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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/action/view/entry_id/985405
Rated: 18+ · Book · Personal · #982524
Online journal capturing the moment and the memory of moments. A meadow meditation.
#985405 added June 11, 2020 at 4:27pm
Restrictions: None
Snow geese 雪雁 (xuě yàn) [177.87]

Snow geese

Her meadows brown and wither,
coarse stubble wedged between thighs;
An ancient gander gleans grains
during this rice harvest time.

Kåre Enga [177.87] (10.juni.2020)


雪雁

草甸棕色和枯萎, 大腿之間的粗茬;
老甘德收集種子, 在水稻收穫季節。

草地 微風 [177.87] (2020年6月10日)

xuě yàn

cǎo diàn zōngsè hé kūwěi
dàtuǐ zhī jiān de cū chá
lǎo gān dé shōují zhǒngzǐ
zài shuǐdào shōuhuò jìjié

cǎodì wéifēng


For:
FORUM
Oriental Poetry Contest  (E)
Poetic forms from the East. New challenges twice a month.
#2106425 by Chris Breva AKA Marvin Schrebe


Notes: Jue Ju (絕句: juéjù) (七絕: qījué = 7 zi)

I approached this as a challenge to translate back and forth from English to Chinese trying to make some sense of tonal patterns in Chinese (level (平) tones and oblique (仄)) while following word count (5) and syllables (6 or 7) in English. A real pain. To be erotic is to suggest ... who knows whether it's erotic in Chinese! In English it may be too subtle.

草地 微風 (cǎodì wéifēng) is the translation of my name: kåre = breeze (ripple) = 微風 (wéifēng); enga = meadow (grassy field) = 草地 (cǎodì) [a rough translation between 3 languages]. Note that 草, the first character of my name, starts the poem (I thought that was neat).

Also that cǎo in line 1 has the same tone as lǎo in line 3 and dàtuǐ in line 2 is echoed as zài shuǐ in line 4. The end characters follow a tonal abab (although they are all oblique 仄). The patterns: ○ is a character with a level tone, while ● is a character with an oblique tone (a rising, departing or entering tone). This poem doesn't match as well as I'd like ● ● ○ ● ● ○ ● (first line: isn't a traditional pattern nor does the opposite pattern follow like it should) ● ● ○ ○ ● ○ ● . Same with 3rd and 4th: ● ○ ● ○ ● ● ●, ● ● ● ○ ● ● ●. To know ones word choices and adjust? Yes ... this is frustrated verse. *Bigsmile*. But since I'm interested in Tang dynasty poetry it's good place to begin.

In English I tried to have 5 words and 7 syllables per line. I succeeded but word choice was difficult: (the/her) (meadow/field) (stubble/straw) (wedged/grasped) (goose/gander) (during/through) (season/time). A 5 word / 6 syllable would look like this:

Her fields brown and wither,
coarse straw grasped between thighs;
An old gander gleans grains
through this rice harvest time.

[177.87b]

It's at best a transliteraton, an attempt to be poetic in two languages. IMHO, it's best to start from the second language and translate into ones first; but, at least it's an attempt.

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/action/view/entry_id/985405