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 |  Take a look into the world as I see it. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~  "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ---Edgar Allan Poe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Traditional Gemini Traits Adaptable and versatile Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively On the dark side.... Nervous and tense Superficial and inconsistent Cunning and inquisitive ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LIKES  Talking Novelty and the unusual Variety in life Multiple projects all going at once ReadingDISLIKES Feeling tied down Being in a rut Mental inaction Being alone Liars** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
My dad called me a couple of hours ago and told me that panthers were spotted in Western Michigan recently. Martin Michigan, and other counties in Michigan, such as Baldwin, Comstock Park, Lansing, and Kalamazoo (where I used to live). Supposedly the panthers are coming down from Northern Michigan because they are being shoved out of their natural habitats because of land development and people moving to those areas and building houses and businesses. Poor kitties!  Dad and I both agree that if it becomes a problem that they should be moved to other areas in the United States where they have lots of room to roam and not be a threat to people or pets. He sent me pictures of the panther that a guy took. The panther was standing outside of a glass door to the kitchen watching the guys children. Martin is about 10 miles from where my dad lives. Dad was telling me that the dog acts funny when he takes her outside to do her business. She will usually run around on his property for awhile after she does her duty and then come in. Now she just does her business and comes inside immediately after that. She must sense them nearby. I told dad to be careful. They're beautiful creatures, but they don't know any better when they attack. That's kind of scarey. I love panthers, I even pay a yearly extra fee on my license plate because it helps protect them. We have panthers in Florida too. If it isn't worrying about an alligator knocking our doors down, it's also panthers, lol. I tried to find the news article for it but didn't have any luck finding it. Maybe this is too recent of a story. I will try and find it tomorrow. |
Jerry and I made up on Sunday. He couldn't take the stress from not making love to me, although he fought me on not getting condoms until he got paid on Thursday. Well, he couldn't wait any longer and lured me into bedroom after he had a nap from being screwed up from the time change. He didn't buy condoms, we just practiced like most good Catholics do.  We took a risk, but we couldn't hold out until Thursday. What normal human being can abstain for that long when your used to getting a certain thing? Sunday was the first day of the five days of ovulation. Jerry knows it too, so if anything comes out of this, he can't be too suprised or pissed off about it, because I would've lived without until Thursday or Friday to make love again. It was his choice. I doubt it though.  I hope not yet, because I need to lose at least 100 pounds and get off that medication. The medication worries me more than anything, because that can do the most damage. I am not worried because Jerry and I have unprotected sex a lot and nothing has happened so far. But, I know that these things happen when you least expect it. I am still not worried, because if it does happen, it will be God's will, not ours. I found out why Jerry is putting off having children. He expressed to me that he wanted to get all of the partying out of his system before we settle down. Jerry nor I have had childhoods or teenhoods, we lost that because both of our mothers were inadequate to raise children and we were both forced to grow up fast and raise our siblings. I don't have resentment for my sisters and he doesn't have resentment for his sister either. I have a little resentment for my mother, but that has passed now. Raising my sisters has given me the experience of rasing babies and children though. I guess good does come out of bad..........most of the time. I wish Jerry would've told me this a long time ago. Then I wouldn't have gotten so depressed and thinking that he didn't want children. Now that I know what he really thinks, I feel a lot better and I predict that things will be better between us. It will probably be our early 30's before we have babies. I am fine with that now. I would be happy to have children in my 30's...........as long as Jerry and I have children at some point is all that I care about. I am glad that he finally told me the truth and what was on his mind. |
I just wanted to say congrats to all the members of Van Halen for being inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame tonight!  They have been around for almost 30 years and all I have to say is..........It's about fricken time! They were way over due! Congrats again! Thank you for all of the music that you've done and for the music that you will give us in the future! Oh, and congrats to all of the other inductees as well! Velvet Revolver (another one of my favorites) performed "Ain't talkin 'bout Love" in place of the original members of Van Halen. It wasn't the same, but they did good. Then as a surprise Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony came out and performed "Why Can't This Be Love?" That was enough to satisfy my hunger to see Van Halen perform. I wish the others could've been there too. Maybe once Eddie comes out of rehab, he will be a stronger and happier person than ever before. Good luck Eddie! |
| I found out today that if I want to take a class at Michaels for anything I can attend for free and all that I have to pay for is supplies. Isn't that cool? They are doing an introduction to scrapbooking on April 28th and I think that I will go. I have been wanting to do that for the longest time. It should be fun. |
| I want to enter some contests but none that I see aren't very appealing to me at all. I wanted to get some sort of inspiration to be able to write again, but I just can't find the inpiration to do so. I have been in a terrible rut for quite some time now. I pray that I just get into a poetry writing streak soon. |
 I am so pissed! Jerry promised me that he would go cash his paycheck and go get a few groceries so we could eat dinner tonight. He claims that he's exhausted from the loss of one hour and that he only got six hours of sleep. I have slept five hours and was able to function the very next day.  I was so looking forward to cooking some grilled chicken breast sandwiches with sauteed mushroooms and onions with barbecue sauce on top. I made a huge salad in anticipation of something good to go with it. I am so disapointed and angry. I know that it's just a little past 7pm but I hold out no hope of getting anything filling for dinner tonight. All that I have had today was salads and apples, none of which kept me full for even a few hours. I am going crazy. |
| My chiropractor gave me a water pillow for my neck. It's basically a regular poly pillow with a bladder built inside of it. You fill it with distilled/spring water and acts as a cushion for your neck. I slept on it lastnight and it felt so good. I have sore spots in my neck. Sometimes when the chiropractor tries to adjust my neck it won't move. She was shocked lastnight when she felt the left side of my neck. She asked me if I have been getting headaches lately and I told her, almost everyday. I had a real nasty one on Thursday. I hope that this pain subsides soon. Part of it is Jerry and his attitude. He behaved better today. Hopefully it keeps getting better. |
| I have the feeling that Jerry doesn't love me or want me anymore. He gives me the cold shoulder and says hurtful things to me. He has treated me like shit for over a month now. He tells me that I have no dreams or goals, and that I have no ambitions in life. That is so not true! Now he is acting as if he doesn't want me going to the St. Patrick's Day festivities after the baseball game. He told me that he didn't want me going if I wasn't going to be social with anyone or have fun. What a fucking jackass! I am social with people. He was ragging on me because I wasn't very talkative to any of his co-workers at Mardi Gras. Excuse me? I was sick as a dog, and it was only a short time since the accident occurred. I was angry, depressed, and sick. What the fuck does he want with me? I don't know anymore. I feel unwanted and very sad. If this relationship doesn't work, I am completely through with men. I will hate men for the rest of my life. With what I have been going through lately, I feel as though men are completely worthless to me right now. |
| Not what you're thinking. No, my Naturopathic Doctor gave me some oil to massage into my neck or where ever I have stiffness and pain. He gave it specifically to me to use for my neck. He tells Jerry that he can use it too. Great. Knowing how Jerry is, he will probably have it used up within one day and there won't be any left for me. I just won't remind Jerry that I have the oil, but he will probably remember anyway. I really wish the doctor would've given Jerry his own stuff. If Jerry is going to deny me sex/making love, then I am going to deny him pain relief. I feel deprived. By the time we really have any money it will be almost 2 weeks since the last time we made love. I can be vicious when I want to. Jerry only remembers things when it benefits him only. If it's anything having to do with me, then he doesn't remember, which really pisses me off. It's like I am not important to him or mean a thing to him anymore. I wish things were as good as they used to be. They can be if Jerry would lighten up and appreciate the great things in life instead of bitching. |
| This past month and a half I have been so mentally and emotionally spent. I can't help it. Jerry is driving me insane. All he ever does is bitch and complain. He never gives it a fucking rest. If it's not one thing, it's another. Food, money, my job.......you name it, he bitches about it. I don't know how much more I can take. I decided to take a part time job with Michaels because that would cushion us as far as extra money goes. I figure with what I've been through in the past six months that I should take it easy and eventually work up to something full time. Well that's not good enough for Jerry, he figures that I should just jump full balls into a 40-60 hour week. Even my doctor agrees with me on taking it slow and just take it easy and start out small, then eventually work up to more. We ran out of condoms last week. We did it without one on Sunday......we figured it was safe because I just got over my period. Well, I mentioned today that we should get some more so we don't have any surprises happen because I am headed toward my fertile period. At first he was in agreement and then went over the figures, and he said that he needed Lysol and this and that and said that we might not be able to afford condoms. I told him that we won't have sex then. He didn't seem to care. But we did stop at Wal-Mart and get subway, then I asked him about the other stuff and said that we couldn't afford it. This is a man who definately does not know what the fuck he wants. I am growing impatient with his attitude and recent cry baby behavior. I need a man, not a whimp. He's been a total jackass lately and has been treating me like shit. When we arrived at home tonight I asked him why we didn't get condoms and he said, "Well, I thought that you wanted food more than sex." Please, if I could have my choice of food or sex, I would choose sex, plus I would probably weigh a lot less too if I chose that. *groan* I don't understand him anymore. I don't think that we will ever be the same as we were when we first started dating. He is totally different than when I met him almost 4 years ago. He's gone from a really sweet and caring man to an insensitive jackass. I know that he's stressed out, but he doesn't need to use me as a damn punching bag. Where is God when I need him the most? |
| I have now worked at Michaels for two days, and I really enjoy it. It's always busy there which I love. It makes the time fly by like you wouldn't believe. I never knew how busy a craft store could be until I started to work for one. I mentioned to one of my managers that I do a lot of cross stitch and embroidery and she has encouraged me to teach a class to get extra hours to work. That sounds really fun! I will have to look into that. I like being in retail becuase you're not sitting on your butt all the time. Since I woke up yesterday, the right side of my back is hurting like you wouldn't believe, it's bringing me to tears. It hurts more to sit or lay down. Just like everything else it will go away with time. |
I have created a new set of butterfly cNotes! They aren't as good as the first ones, but they are still pretty!
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I slept until noon today, so I was pretty close about sleeping in until 1pm. I was right about not being able to go home until 1am lastnight/this morning. I am not hurting as much as I thought I would be. I am just more tired than anything. I also wasn't kidding about having a lazy day today, especially since I start work tomorrow. I insist on having a lazy day today. No one can stop me.  I will be pissed if anyone calls me and Jerry to work some more. |
| Who knew that standing this long could cause so much pain in your feet and ankles. It's been since I worked at Target that I have had to stand on me feet for this long. When I worked there my feet always hurt like hell after working an eight hour shift. This was 2001 and further back to 1997 when I started there. I helped out for the Monte Carlo Night for just a mere 5 hours and it put so much strain into my poor feet. I helped decorate the room with Mardi Gras stuff and added a Vegas/Reno touch to it. It looks awesome if I do say so myself! Michael is coming to pick me up again around 11am today to help add the finishing touches to everything. I will probably have to help cook and set the food out too. We will be there from 11am-1am tonight. That includes clean up too. Yippee. I hope that it doesn't take until 1am. I am tired enough as it is. I have to get ready and put on my work clothes and also bring a change in clean clothing as well because I have to work the auction booth too. Tomorrow is definately going to be a lazy day. I will probably sleep until 1pm tomorrow, lol! |
| Today boys and girls, I get to go clean and prep for tomorrow's Monte Carlo night at our church. JOY. Mike is picking me up in an hour so I can go help. Jerry needed the car today, so that's fine. I hope they are going to feed us lunch or something for helping, depending on how long we stay to clean and prep. I got a call from the craft store yesterday and they want me to start on Monday at 9am. Yay! Jerry has calmed down since I told him that I will be actually starting some type of work. At least he got into good spirits anyway, and he is now off my back.I had another acupuncture treatment yesterday as did Jerry at the naturopathic doctor's office. I like it better there than I do at the conventional doctors office that we go to for our other treatments. He seems to do a much better job, and I get more out of it. Jerry feels the same way. Tomorrow will be a very busy day. First Jerry has a baseball game in the afternoon, and then at 7pm is Monte Carlo night, and I believe he's working the Black Jack table. I am not sure that I will be able to go because I am not sure if I am allowed. Jerry seems to think so since I will be helping them today. Maybe. Either way it doesn't make that much of a difference to me. I just hope the weekend is relaxing........at least Sunday anyway. |
I am feeling a little bit better than I was yesterday. When Jerry came home to pick me up lastnight, I didn't say one word to him on the way to our physical therapy. He asked me if I was going to talk. I just shrugged my shoulders and had that 'whatever' look on my face. I do understand now that Jerry's anger and mood are out of frustration and worry. It's partly my fault for not being more proactive about things. I should know better than that. I still think that he blows things out of proportion a lot of the time. I try not to panic in situations that I or anyone can't control. Jerry does just the opposite. I think that's the way men are programmed. Jerry and I kind of made up this morning though.............. Hee hee.I got my x-ray results lastnight too. The reason why I don't have full movement in my neck is due to the fact that I have muscle spasms in my neck caused by the car accident. The same goes for the reason why my spine is curved. The doctor has instructed me to do no heavy lifting of any kind. Great. I feel like a cripple. |
Sometimes I wonder what Jerry's life would have been like if I didn't wake up from my brain surgery. Lately I have been wishing that I would've died on the operating table. Then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this pain that I am going through. When are things go to look up for me and Jerry? Why do I get all of the tough breaks in life? Why can't things be great for a change? I am tired of all of this negative shit in my life. What is God's purpose for me? I wish there was some sort of sign that would tell me that I was in for a long and wonderful life with Jerry, but I see it differently. That's if there is a God. I have no faith.  I have to sadly say that my relationship with Jerry is probably coming to an end. I am at a loss and I can't take it anymore. I know that Jerry is having to carry a huge load on his shoulders and everything, but he doesn't need to treat me the way he is. I can't live with an unstable guy. Heh! They say that women are the hormonal ones! If Jerry can't live with the everyday stressors of life then he will never be fit for any relationship and he will be a alone forever. I wish that I had that tranquilizer gun so I could make him sleep for a few days. He's driving me insane! |
Men are total whimps! They freak out at the slightest things. They even blow things out of proportion when they don't need to. I am so close to shooting a tranquilizer dart into Jerry's ass. Yes we are low on food and other necessities. I am trying my hardest to get a job. It isn't as easy as it used to be. You have to wait on background checks and all of this other bullshit. I will be starting a part time job next week. But for some reason Jerry isn't pleased with this at all. Nothing is ever good enough for him. Even if it's 15-25 hours a week to start with, it still will mean food on the table and that bills will be paid. He doesn't get it. You just don't walk into a place and ask for a job and expect to start the same day. That never happens. It used to, maybe in ancient times up until the 1980's. Those times are way past. With background checks and drug screenings you are lucky to start a job within a week. Jerry thinks that he's Mr. Know-it-all, and it pisses me off! I am not sure how much of Jerry's crap I can handle. I am headed for a nervous breakdown. I am constantly crying and wondering how all of this is going to work out. I feel like leaving and just throwing in the towel. I feel bad enough as it is. I woke up this morning sick to my stomache and felt like I needed to throw up. I wish Jerry would lay off from me for a change and at least be happy that I found a part time job. I am tired of him treating me like crap. He thinks it's good motivational techniques that he's using to light a fire under my ass. What a fucking jerk! Our friend Mike said that he could get me a job as a Certified Nurses Aid.  Ewwwww! That means that I will be working at a nursing home full of crazy old people, cleaning up piss, shit, puke and blood.  I have a sensitive stomache and might throw up myself. It could also mean that I have to take care of terminally ill and infectious patients. I couldn't do it. Plus I would suffer from cuts, bruises, and other injuries caused by old people who are out of their minds. My grandma Mary used to work in a nursing home, and I remember seeing all of injuries that she would get from old people hitting and clawing her.  It was constant. I can't see myself doing that kind of work. Plus you have to have a strong back because you have to lift people in and out of bed. Never! This whole situation is making me ill! |
| I have been crying and carrying on all day. I can't help it. I have lost my job, car, patience, and hope. I will probably lose Jerry next. I am afraid that he will dump me if I don't find a job by this Friday. Jerry would be my greatest loss. If this happens, I will not get into another relationship. My heart couldn't take it. I have had my heart broken too many times. I know that he's stressed out and everything. No company that is worth working for will hire me. Michael's is worth it, it will be a place that I will enjoy working for even if it's part time. Jerry thinks that I am worth more than $7/hr, but at least it's extra money that we will have. If I have to take a second part time job, I will. I will do whatever it takes to get us back to where we were. I just wish Jerry would believe in me. I took a bath to see if it would help, but it didn't do any good. I fell asleep because I wore myself out from crying all day. |
| I have tried and tried to get a job that's worth while. I have sent in dozens of resumes and faxes of my qualifications and I never hear anything. No one provides a phone number to call. All they provide are fax numbers. The only people that I hear from are those idiots that want me to do telemarketing. I can't handle calling people in the privacy of their own homes, it doesn't feel right to me. I have done telemarketing before and after two weeks of being on the phone I wanted to blow my brains out or jump from a 100 story building. That's how bad it stressed me out. I can't take death threats and cursing anymore. That's what you will encounter when you do telemarketing. I only took that one job for telemarketing for the short-term, and I can definately say that I will never do it again. I want to go back to doing what I did before I got trapped into the tenth level of sales hell. I just came out of brain surgery back in October, I don't need that shit. I even list what I am qualified for as far as jobs, and no where on my preferences do I list that I want to be in sales. I list customer service, healthcare, and administrative as my preferences. Sales does not fall under those titles. Sales are listed under a totally separate category on the internet. I can't believe how stupid some of these employers are on these job search websites. I get people who contact me about doing sales all of the time, and all I do is disregard the emails they send me. Most of the time they are just chain letters sent to several people at a time and they never address me by my first name. I had an interview at Michael's yesterday and it sounds like I have the job, they just have to wait for my background check to come in. It's only part time at $7/hr, but it's something. I told Jerry and he got all miffed and disappointed when I told him. He's so stupid! This is the same Jerry that told me that I should at least get a part time job at Wendy's, which probably pays the same or less as Michael's. Nothing's ever good enough for anyone. None of the fast food or retail places hire full time help anymore. Besides, who the hell would want to work full time at a grease joint in the first place? Not me, that's for damn sure. I know that I need to be working full time earning at least $10/hr or more to get a separate car for myself and be able to survive, but nothing like that seems to exist anymore, and no one is willing to give me a break. I am tired and I am ready to give up. My car has been taken from me, and I can't find a job that pays well. Hopeless. Completely hopeless! |
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The only weight you'll lose via sweating is water weight.