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 |  Take a look into the world as I see it. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~  "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ---Edgar Allan Poe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Traditional Gemini Traits Adaptable and versatile Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively On the dark side.... Nervous and tense Superficial and inconsistent Cunning and inquisitive ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LIKES  Talking Novelty and the unusual Variety in life Multiple projects all going at once ReadingDISLIKES Feeling tied down Being in a rut Mental inaction Being alone Liars** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I got my MRI results today, and they came back positive. It's not cancer or anything. All of the disks in my neck are bulging out, except for one. The one that isn't has some minor issues, but at least none of this requires surgery. Thank God. *breathes a huge sigh of relief* Dr. Karen determined that this thing with my neck was in fact caused by the accident. This will definately help with the lawsuit. Jerry was luckier than I was, he only has one bulging disk. I guess this will require longer treatment for me.  Not what I wanted to hear. Oh well. |
| There are times when I feel like isolating myself from other people. I know why, I just can't get it out on paper. I guess maybe because certain people annoy me on a daily basis.........or piss me off. Pick one or both if you like. I also feel as though I don't fit in with anyone. I don't seem to have anything in common with anybody. I can't really hang out with anyone who have children, because I don't have children. I just feel weird and out of place when I am around them. I also have feelings of envy and sadness. I don't feel that I will ever get to that point in my life. Jerry and I constantly have money problems. I feel that Jerry will never reach the maturity of wanting to have children. I feel like giving up in that department. I have wanted children of my own for years. God has a way of keeping the things that I want out of reach. The people that surround me are really old. I know, I will be there one day. I live in Florida. Not too many people of my age live here. All I ever see is old people. It's like Heaven's Waiting Room. It's really annoying if you ask me. Florida is not a place for young people. There is a possibility that Jerry and I won't be in this state much longer. Jerry is disenfranchised with the people he works for and I can't find decent work. I am only working part time and it's a real drag, it's something, but that something is not enough for what Jerry and I need to thrive and be happy. If things don't get better, we will probably save up enough money to move back to Michigan. I need a new car first. Between Jerry and I, we only have one car. We are trying to come up for a ten day vacation to see our families. Hopefully it will be starting on the 28th of June or so. My sister Molly told me that there's going to be a family reunion on July 4th. I kind of dread that, because it just isn't the immediate family, it's also the extended family too. Great. Everyone knows about the brain tumor and the surgery, and I don't want anyone to ask me about it. It's nothing to be proud of anyway. It gets really annoying when everyone asks about it and I have to keep explaining every detail about it. I want to forget that it ever happened in the first place, and people keep bringing it up!  I know that people care, but I also know that they can be just plain nosey and won't let it be. |
I know that this isn't the first time someone has wrote about this subject. I think that it bears repeating though. I can't stand narrow-minded people. I have written a few free-verse and other form poetry. I get these people that tell me they hate it, or they don't understand what I am writing about, or they simply don't like it. Rather than doing research on the particular form or simply asking me they get all higer-than-thou-art on me and totally blast my intelligence. I have a friend on here that is going through the same problem here. She creates her own forms with poetry which I think is very impressive. The format of the poetry is not what matters, but how it sounds when it is read aloud. Writing is like art, everyone may write differently, but all is beautiful because it's written from the heart. This is excludes racially hateful writing. Since becoming a member of this wonderful site I have opened myself up to newer and greater things. I am not the same person as I was when I first joined. Which is a good thing. I have the many people on here and WDC to thank for that!  I wish everyone felt this way. |
I could just mame those assholes from the Florida Casino Company! Jerry went in to do a party per the manager's request because someone couldn't make it on Saturday. So Jerry goes and works and finds out during the job that the manager forgot to tell Jazz that Jerry was going into work, so they didn't get a check cut for him. We needed that money to survive for this week. We are completely out of food.............almost. We have brown and white rice and water. I hate rice, I refuse to eat it.  You can't do that much with rice anyway. It's just like when I order Thai or Chinese food I don't eat the rice. It doesn't have any flavor and it's extra carbs and calories that you're putting into your body anyway. Besides, I am doing just fine without eating. Aside from being cranky and a little weak, I am doing pretty well. I can survive another 3 days without food. As long as I keep drinking water, I will be okay. I need to do a total body detox anyway. |
| Both Jerry and I have to go in to an MRI for our necks. I am not thrilled about that at all. I hope they don't find anything. It's just to check us out for permanent damage from the car accident back in February. Boy, this drunk has really caused us a lot of grief by us having to waste our time with these doctors appointment. I am getting sick and tired of this! |
| Okay, this is getting to be insane! The station that we're watching the NBA Finals on has a severe t-storm warning running on the screen and it keeps making this 'booping' sound every time it comes on. It's driving me nuts! It does it every 3 minutes or so. Very un-nerving! I love thunderstorms though. As long as it does't knock out the power or anything, I am good!  |
Leading Entry: "Invalid Item"  I need to vent about unfair reviews and reviews that shouldn't count. It's been eating at me all day. I look on the public reviewing page and find one person in particular gave another person a one star rating and wrote a bunch of z's in place of a review. There must have been 50-100 z's, and then this sentence, "Boring. Made me fall asleep." I know that everyone has their opinion when reviewing, but to me this is abuse and harrassment. Not that I am a tattle tale or anything, but I ended up reporting the person to a Moderator. It is my place and everyone elses place to report abuse though. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this was one of those auto reward reviews. So, not only was the person abusive, they also got 300 gps for typing a bunch of z's in the review. But luckily for the victim of this horrible assault, the abuser was kicked off the site. I wasn't trying to get anyone kicked off of WDC. I thought that they would just get a warning like you would for anything else. I don't feel bad in the least about getting them kicked off. Abuse is abuse and it shouldn't be tolerated!Written For:
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| "Invalid Entry" In response to Beyond the Cloud9  's entry:I will raise my voice when someone starts raising their voice at me or I will start crying. I also get angry if something pisses me off. Most of the time I can't express my feelings as easily as others. My mother is very emotionally unstable. More so than me. I only blame her for not being a better mother to me and for not being a more emotionally intact person. If she had treated me better, would I be as sensitive as I am now? Would I have better relationships with people rather than be a shy reclusive girl? Would I be more outgoing and more successful if my mother hadn't treated me the way she did? My mother sheltered me and wouldn't let me experience things like normal children did. I think that I wouldn't be an emotional basket case like I am if she had simply let me be a kid. I never really had childhood. I don't really care anymore. It's all in the past and nothing can be done, but for me to move forward and enjoy life. Written For:
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| "Invalid Entry" In response to Melissa is fashionably late! 's entry:I won't be able to respond or offer any anecdotes to go along with it, only because I don't have children and I have never been pregnant. So I don't know much about any of this. I do know what it's like to be told by the doctor not to over-do it. After I had my seizures and I was discharged the first time, they told me no strenuous activities. Fine. I followed most of the doctors orders. But I wonder, is sex considered strenuous? My fiance and I made love several times before my surgery date. A week later I had brain surgery, and a couple days after I had been home, Jerry and I made love again. The really odd thing was after the surgery and being discharged, they put on the papers 'no restrictions'. Okay,  to me this is weird. Why after having surgery would they lift restrictions when you have several sutures in your head along with dizzy spells? I don't get it.Written For:
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| "Invalid Entry" In response to objurgate's entry: I have a hard time forgiving my mother and the things that she has done in the past to me and my father. My sisters really didn't suffer all that much through their lives, they were really too young to understand at the time or to have what she did affect them the way it affected me. I wish that I could erase all of those bad memories from my brain. I tend to think about the bad stuff that happened to me rather than the good. Only because the bad memories out-weigh the good memories. I have learned with time to let go, even though the memories can't be erased. After being ill back in the fall, I called a truce with my mother. I realized that it's not worth it to hold a grudge for so many years. You never know when the worst will happen. I have had times when I have wanted to shoot myself though. You have one of those Murphy's Law days, where everything that could possibly go wrong and it does. The only difference that there is between a bad memory about a relative and bad life moments is that you can laugh at one later on. Written For:
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| "Invalid Entry" In response to Problematic Content 's entry:This is going to a difficult entry to respond to. I don't think I can match Problematic Content 's blog entry. Although it was funny but gross at the same time. Ugh......I will try to respond as best as I can to this. Here it goes. Picking my nose in the car- Never have done that, and probably never will. Most of the time that I spend driving is spent on the highway. There is no freaking way I will take that kind of risk. I would be totally humiliated if anyone saw me. More so that I would probably cry about it. I am such a priss!  Shaving my pubes- I do that all the time. I am not a guy, so I don't have to use a razor on my face. Just the under arms, legs, and you know where.  The Lobster and the bloody tampon- First of all, I would never do that. My tampons go in the waste basket in the bathroom or the toilet. I would never put those in the kitchen trash basket. What if I had company over seeing something like that? What would they have to say about that? Car Cleaning and Stale Food- First of all, ewwww! If I found leftover food from what I dropped in the car from where ever it would go in the garbage. Just a few weeks ago, I found a bunch of jelly beans that Jerry spilled in the car. I didn't eat them though. I also found Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Minis. I didn't eat those either. I live in Florida and any food found under or between the seats goes straight to the garbage. It gets way to hot for food to be eaten, especially if it's ions old.Friends & Sex Toys- This is a bit on the funny side. I have to admit that. But of course, I do not care to know what my friends keep in their sock and underwear drawer, or under their bed for that matter. Some things are best left undiscovered. I certainly wouldn't want my friends and family finding what I keep in my room. I don't have any sex toys though. I am seriously thinking about though. Dropping Things in The Toilet- This I have to admit. Yes, I have dropped things in a toilet before and had to go on a fishing expedition to retrieve the items. I did that with a toothbrush in the toilet. I didn't re-use it though, this is why I keep extras. Plus you can't flush a toothbrush. I have also dropped combs and brushes, plus make up. All of which are not flushable. I have also dropped jewelry in the can as well. But not any of these were dropped in a public restroom. I have however dropped money in a public facility before, it was change not bills. All I did was make a wish and flushed! Masterbating In a Theatre- Never have done that before. There is always a first time for everything!  Things I have done when people weren't looking: At work, I have been known to let a fart when no one was around, and no one was in listening distance. I seldom admit to this one! Ever!Switch stalls with my pants undone in a public restroom when there wasn't any toilet paper in the one I had originally stepped into when no one was looking. Get erotic with Jerry (not sex) in public places when no one was in sight. Jerry only does this when he has been drinking. A sober Jerry normally wouldn't do PDA. Written For:
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| "Invalid Entry" In response to Penemue 's entry:That is a difficult question to ask me. If my honey Jerry was in danger I would risk my own life to save him, or if a child was in danger, whether the child was mine or someone elses I would definately do it, or a family member such as my father or sisters. I am a very loving person, if I saw anyone in need of help I would certainly do it. However, if I was a mother myself I would seriously need to think it over as to whether I would risk my life for a total stranger. Not to sound callous or anything. I am thinking more along the lines as to; "Who will take care of my children if I leave this world?" I am not a mother yet, but this entry has led to me to think about it for once. I couldn't risk my own life if I had a family of my own with children. I am not even sure if I would do it in the first place. So to answer this burning question; I am not sure. I don't know. Written For:
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| Jerry and I have been going through rough times in the past two years. It's not anyone's fault, it's just that we are constantly together all the time. I get free time in by myself, but Jerry does not. This could be the reason why we aren't getting along as well as we should. I have decided that I am not going home to visit. It isn't just about my relationship with Jerry, it's also about the financial bind that it would put us in. If Jerry takes a vacation it doesn't affect him because he's on salary, my job on the other hand is hourly and part time. We can and can't afford for me to go if that makes sense. Plus there is no one to watch Max. I can't just leave him for 10 days straight at home or with a stranger. Getting back to what I was originally talking about. I think that it's best for Jerry to get away for awhile being that he never has free time by himself. In the middle of June there is the All-Star Games in Daytona coming up, that will give us a few days apart, and then when he goes on that 10 day vacation at the end of June that should give him a break as well. I am currently working on finding a full time job with another company. I need to be making at least $10/hr in order to live, and this will allow for me to get another car. I believe that if I am working full time and I get another car that will solve a lot right there. Jerry has been out of his mind lately and not acting like himself. He's suggesting some wild things for us to do sexually, like threesomes and swinging. I think that he doesn't really mean it. I think that it's the stress talking, not Jerry. One things for sure, I am not giving up on him or us. Jerry is definately worried about the uncertainty of his job. They treat him like shit and don't listen to any of his ideas. I feel really bad for him. That coupled with me not making enough money and helping out with the bills is getting to him. We kind of live like peasants. It isn't as bad as he thinks. I think that he just wants us to have extra money so we can have fun once in awhile rather than being cooped up inside all day. In the end I believe things will be alright. |
| Round 1 of my newbie challenge is finsished, and the judging too. It was pretty fun to be honest. I am very impressed with all of the entries that I received, and how well everyone was able to write their Cinquiano entries. I ended up just giving the poetry entrants prizes only. Because the turn out for short stories didn't reach the minimum ten entries like I had hoped. I did end up giving everyone 100 gps just for entering and all of the short story entrants 1428 gps each as a consolation to make it fair. I can't just let them leave with nothing. I have the winners posted and awarded. Round two is underway. I hope that it turns out just as sucessful if not more successful than the first. I have decided to make round two just a poetry contest. Then maybe for June's round I can bring both back. We shall see. |
Jerry and I went to our physical therapy visit today. They want us to go in for a cervical MRI. I hate MRI's, I am always afraid that they are going to find something. I mean look at what happened with that stupid brain tumor that I had.  I get nervous when they do x-ray & MRI images now. I hope everything turns out okay for both of us. |
| "What the hell is up with McDreamy?" In Response to Sophy  's entry.I have never watched Grey's Anatomy. I need a show that has some comical aspect to it. I am more of a HOUSE person.  At least with HOUSE there are some comical aspects to it and the characters are easy to relate to. Dr. Gregory House is the kind of person that's so vulgar that you love him anyway, especially that sarcastic attitude. Gotta love that! LOL! I really liked the episode where Dr. Cameron got it on with Dr. Chase when she was tripped out on Meth (this was that episode where this guy with HIV coughed blood into her eye). I am obsessed with this show, I never miss an episode. I am hopelessly addicted!  Dr. Cameron and Dr. Chase started to sleep with each other again, when a couple weeks ago, Dr. Cameron broke it off with Dr. Chase. I was pissed because she was basically using him. This kind of behavior is that typical of a guy, but this was the opposite. I never understood how anyone could go into a sexual relationship without any emotion or even feelings and just have sex. I could never do such a thing. I have to be in love with the guy or at least care for him. Some would say that I am too sensitive when it comes to people. I don't think that I am.Written For:
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| Jerry confuses me sometimes. I asked him what he thought about our sex life. He just replies, "It's okay." I said, "Just okay?" Then he replies, "We aren't porn stars or anything." "What would make it more exciting?" "I've told you, and you are always uncomfortable when I bring it up." I won't go into what the thing is that he suggests. It's too embarrassing to talk about. "What else besides that do you want to do?" "I want to see you be more aggressive." I don't really have any experience in being aggressive. "Okay, what else?" "Nothing really." I asked him if he was going to break up with me and he said that he wishes I would find a full time job. I told him that you don't just break up with someone over finances. I have a part time job. Come on, it's better than nothing until I find something worth sticking to. I told him that I refuse to take a telemarketing job regardless of what the fucking thing pays. It isn't worth the stress and grief, especially if I am not into it. I need to work on finding something else anyway because I keep getting nasty headaches where I am working now. I never get them at home, just when I am in that building. Back to what I was talking about; if Jerry is going to hang the prospect of breaking up with me over whether I have a full time or part time job over my head, then he is not worth staying with if he is going to threaten me with such bullshit! That is not love in my book. I feel that even if I find the best job in the world and we get back on track, he will find something else wrong. Nothing's ever good enough for him. That's how it seems anyway. Maybe this is how all men act? |
I don't know how to explain what just happened. I was laying in bed and the cat hits my upper lip so hard that he leaves it swollen and numb. I have this bumpy red mark where there will be a bruise. The hit felt equal to being punched in the mouth by a human. The pain was so bad that I screamed and cried. Even my teeth felt the sting.  I know that Max didn't mean it, but I am still pissed off about it. Jerry scolded the cat for what he did. I appreciate it, but Max still didn't know any better. |
| In my experiences with people, I have found that the mentally ill are pathological liars. Take for instance my mother. She can't resist to tell a tall tale and stretch of truth. She's always gossiping about her neighbors and saying things about them that may or may not be true. She insists that they did this or that to her, or she claims that one of them is into voodoo or witch craft and they somehow switched her creamy peanut butter with crunchy while she wasn't looking. These so-called people weren't even at the store. I was with her, and she grabbed the crunchy peanut butter not creamy peanut butter. I saw her do it. I even told her that I stood by and watched her grab the crunchy peanut butter. But she swears up and down that someone was working some kind of voodoo magic on her. But what can you expect from a paranoid-schizophrenic and bipolar person? It's hard to love someone who has in the past threatened to kill you, then accuse you of having sex at twelve years old and insists that you smell like sperm, or accuses you of using her make-up when in fact you have your own, and also beats the hell out of your dad and accuses him of cheating when she is the one that's doing all the fucking around. Never in my life have I ever had a normal relationship with my mom. Her whole side of the family is messed up. I am afraid to admit or talk about her side of the family. It's too embarrassing. Like one of my cousins for instance. His name is Neal. I have a hard time understanding him at times. He has a brother named John. My cousin John has been married twice. This is because my cousin Neal has stolen his first wife away from him, and then his second wife as well. Even his step-father was caught in bed with Johns wife. I have no idea what any of John's wives have ever seen in Neal. In my opinion he's not isn't the greatest guy in the world. This may seem bogue or disgusting, but maybe it's his 'rod'. If it isn't looks that they're after, it's usually that. I know that it can't be personality. It probably seems mean talking about my cousin like this, but it's very hard to respect someone like that. He must have some mental illness too, otherwise, why would he do this? It could be that he's just a pervert and nothing more, but given my mom's family history, I seriously doubt it. :::SIGH::: So the big question is, who do I trust? I know that every person is capable of telling lies, but in the great scheme of things it's the mentally ill mother that seems to lie the most. |
| "ordinal position" Hmmmm..............I have to disagree with this for the most part. I am the eldest of four children and I think that I only fall under the last three symptoms of eldest child. As for the positions of my three other sisters, they really don't fall under theirs either. Whichever psych-therapist came up with this assumption is a bit of a quack in my opinion. Although I do think that this is an interesting subject though. Since I am the oldest, I guess it's me first. I never tried smoking, I didn't drink alcohol until I was 25 years old, I didn't even have sex until I was 26 (two of my sisters had sex before I did, and they are five and eight years younger than me). I never saw myself as a prude, just very picky and choosey. They always say that if your mother got pregnant as a young teen, the oldest will too. Bullshit! That never happened obviously, and I still don't have children. They also say that if you're a child of abuse (which I am) that you will grow up to be a criminal. That never happened either. So a big raspberry to the psycho-idiots who think they know everything about children like me. I never misbehaved just because the other three got more attention from the other adults! My sister Jill, second after me is a bit of a rebel though. I have to admit that part. She made all the mistakes first. Except for getting pregnant. She did all of the other bad stuff. Smoking, drinking, married too young and then divorced less than two years later, causing trouble, but always got good grades. She quit smoking later on. She turned out alright so far. Sheila the third after me, grew up as the middle child. She seemed alright too. It's unknown to me whether she tried smoking or not. I know definately drinking and sex. She wound up unmarried and pregnant at nineteen. At least she got good grades and graduated before any of this happened. She turned out fine despite everything. Molly, the youngest of all four of us, is probably going to end up the most successful out of everyone in the family because she has acheived so much in school and in her life. She received a scholarship from one of the best colleges in the state of Colorado and will become a Chemical Engineer. The only thing about this study that reamains true, is that she and I were allied against the other two. It was always me and her against Jillian and Sheila when we got into squabbles. We were probably the closest ones. We always stuck together. Written For:
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