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 |  Take a look into the world as I see it. |
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Things haven't gotten any better between Jerry and I. Jerry booked his flight for his ten day vacation. I say good ridence. I will be glad to get him out of the house. I am bummed out because I won't be making the trip to see my own family. Dad said that he could probably fly me up for the ten days if I wanted. I am not so sure that I want to fly up. For one, I hate planes, and secondly, I don't have anyone to watch my cat while I am gone. If there were two cats, it wouldn't be a big deal because then he would have someone to play with. I am completely convinced that things are over with between Jerry and I. I know this because he doesn't hug or kiss me goodbye and he doesn't tell me that he loves me anymore. All he says is to "Take care." You don't tell someone you love to "Take care." You know how retarded and formal that sounds?  I have accepted this fact. The fact that Jerry and I will no longer be the couple we once were a couple years ago before everything went stale and sour. I will be fine. I know that I will be sad for awhile and that's only natural. I know that there are many other men out there that will make me a million times more happy than he ever will. I have come to know that Jerry is lazy about relationships, very lazy! The only romantic thing that Jerry has done for me is our first Valentine's Day together. He bought me a dozen red roses and took me to Red Lobster. Then for our first anniversary he bought me a fossil watch and took me to dinner. For Christmas of that same year he proposed marriage to me. This was all in 2004. After that year...........nothing.......zip. Nothing since 2004. I love romantic gestures all the time. I can never get enough of that. I love attention.  I no longer get that kind of attention. It makes me feel worthless. Maybe I am just hopelessly romantic. One romantic gesture deserves another. |
Jerry came home with a clearer head lastnight and was actually nice to me. It doesn't change how he has treated me in the last two years. It hurts me the way he yells at me and belittles me all the time.  He will never change. He makes it sound like he loves his car and money more than he loves me. There's also no way that I will be flying up now because of the hit that Jerry's wallet will take. I found out that there's a $500 deductible that will come out of Jerry's pocket. If the damage is less than $500 the insurance company won't pay for any of it. This makes me feel even worse. I told Jerry that I would surrender my whole paycheck over if that would help, since it's partly my fault that a police report wasn't filed. I have pretty much given up on Jerry since he has given up on me. |
I spoke with my cousin Melissa is fashionably late! . She has made me realize that Jerry is an abusive loser and isn't worth staying with. Every time I make one little error or mistake he yells at me and be-littles me. The cop messed up by not giving the motorcyclist a ticket. So none of it was really my fault, although Jerry puts all the blame on me, just like he does for everything else. I also had a good talk with my father and he wants me to come home for good. He said that he wants me to pack my belongings, ship them up to Michigan and he will call the airlines and book me a flight home. It will take me a few weeks to gather all my stuff before I can leave. At least I will be out of Jerry's life forever. My dad said that Jerry is an egotistical bastard and pervert. Melissa said that Jerry is insecure about himself and that is why he treats me the way that he does. My grandma Betty said that Jerry isn't worth staying with if he isn't going to support me in every sense of the way. I deserve someone better anyway. Max will be coming with me. I will not leave him with Jerry. There have been a few occasions where Max acted out of intinct and clawed Jerry, and Jerry hit him really hard.  Jerry has never hit me, but there is a first time for everything. It will probably be 3-4 weeks before I will go home just so that I can get all my stuff in order. I think that my cousin is right about Jerry not being mature enough for relationships. She also mentioned that her ex-boyfriend Anthony mentioned doing threesomes and swinging just as Jerry has. What a creep! |
| Jerry hates me and has completely broke up with me. Jerry lacks human compassion and understanding. I will never gain his respect or love ever again. |
| Things were starting to get better. Lastnight Jerry and I went to the bar after the baseball game and we had a good time together with his friends/co-workers. This morning we made love. After I got out of work some dipshit on a motorcycle hit the rear of my car and the bumper came off and the trunk wouldn't close. I gave the guy on the motorcycle my information, but he didn't give me his. The police didn't take the initiative to fill out and give me a police report. I still think that the insurance company will cover everything, they will just raise Jerry's insurance by a little...........it is full coverage afterall, plus they have the policeman's phone number as well. The police know everything that happened, plus there was a witness to the whole thing. Jerry screamed at me for about an hour. I also realized that my license came up missing too. When Jerry found that out he screamed at me for that too. He told me that I didn't act out as a grown adult and that I wasn't thinking straight. Okay, I admit that in the heat of the moment I wasn't thinking. I will accept full responsibility for everything. I will do anything to make it up to Jerry. I feel really bad about everything. I keep screwing up and making myself look bad to Jerry. I feel like a total idiot and that Jerry will never forgive me for this..............ever. Maybe everything that is happening in this relationship is my fault. I can't get a decent paying job which makes it so that I can't help Jerry with the finances, and I make dumb mistakes all of the time. I am pathetic! Now Jerry probably will break up with me. |
| If it turns out that Jerry and I part ways, I will be mentally prepared, somewhat. I will be sad and I will probably cry. I will get over it. I am a strong girl. He's just a man, an impatient man. Thinks he's perfect and has nothing to do as to why we're not getting along. I know that I am to blame for some of the reasons why our relationship is falling apart. Jerry is partially to blame too, but won't admit to anything, being that he thinks he can do no wrong. I know that God will point me in the right direction. That's if he is listening and cares about what I want. And also if Jerry is willing to open up his brain and his eyes and see that we still have a lot in common. Jerry is going through a major stress-fest and it's clouding the way that he feels. This has happened before in our relationship, it just seems to be lasting longer than ususal this time. I am hoping that things get better soon. I keep praying and talking to God everyday. I hope he's listening. I hate giving up on relationships that are otherwise good when major stress isn't screwing it up. |
| Things are still on the rough side. I confronted Jerry on whether or not he was using me. He said that he wasn't. I still have to wonder though. I ended up asking him twice and twice he denied it. Even before Roni and Melissa even suggested that Jerry might be using me, that same thought crossed my mind a long time ago. If he is I will beat the crap out of him for being an insensitive asshole and for leading me on. I haven't changed my mind on telling his parents and future ex-coworkers about his im'ing and internet smuts-capades with the webcam if it turns out that we part ways in the future. Not that I am vindictive or anything. It would serve his ass right. I do believe the 'eye for an eye' saying. |
| Jerry and I are doing better. We're civil toward each other and we are talking now. In the past two days we've been making love ( 3 times). I look at it as a way to re-connect with each other, plus I think that it helps. I can't have sex with just anybody, I have to have an emotional and romantic connection to the person. I am too nice of a girl to just have mindless and lustful sex. I did feel guilty the first time Jerry and I made love after fighting for three days because I thought for sure that it was completely over with and that I was going to leave him. This is only because I don't get invovled with men that I am not dating or are prepared to leave. Of course Jerry is the only one that I have ever been with sexually. Jerry initiated every encounter that we had this week. I will take that as a good sign. So far. I have been on WDC less to show Jerry that I am into him and not obsessed with the internet. Hey, he's the one that said that I don't spend any time with him. Instead of spending the whole day at home, I am going to the game on Sunday. He thinks that I hang out with him and his co-workers to appease him. That is not true! Ever since the brain tumor, the surgery and the car accident I have been so depressed and withdrawn from everything, that I have lost interest in everything that I love. I feel really bad. I need to get out of this funk that I am in. Hopefully with the grace of God it will all work out for the better. At least we are not fighting anymore. |
There is a slight chance that Jerry and I could work through things, but right now it doesn't look very promising. At this point I could careless. I am tired of taking all the blame for everything. I did appologize for some of the things that were my fault. The insurance company that I wanted to work for in the first place contacted me again. I think that I will call them tomorrow to schedule an interview. Jerry's bosses told him that he has to have his car every single day otherwise they will fire him. They told him that if he has to be late to drop me off, and to leave work early to pick me up.........so be it. But he has to have his car regardless. Jerry and I both agreed to not tell our families until we are for certain whether we're splitting up for good or whatever. I haven't told any of my family and he hasn't told any of his family. I think that it's best that way for now. But I know one thing's for certain. I will be okay with or without him.  |
| Jerry just told me that he doesn't love me anymore! Now I know that there is no chance that Jerry and I will not get back together. He has hurt me and made me cry too many times. I can't take this anymore. I wish that I had never met him or gotten involved with him. Like all of my relationships it has been nothing but disappointment. I will never trust another man for the rest of my life. I hate men! |
| I am worried about my dad. He had surgery about 10 years ago on his leg to have a varicose vein removed. According to dad it's been bothering him for a long time and he never told me. It seems to be getting worse and has even become infected, which has forced dad to be on antibiotics for over two straight weeks now. It seems that the infection would have cleared up by now if the antibiotics were working. I suggested to dad that maybe he should have surgery again to ease the discomfort, and he told me that after his first surgery his leg still hurt. Hey, with my brain sugery, my head still hurts and I get headaches from time to time. Dad is trying to get on disability because his leg has gotten so bad. I am in agony after hearing this news. I am hoping and praying that this doesn't kill him. My whole world would be completely destroyed if anything happened to him. |
Jerry called me about 20 minutes ago and told me that he was going out for a beer to relax. I don't know if I trust him, especially after I caught that dirty picture of him in the computer yesterday. I even found 6 more of those icky pictures today. He doesn't tell me that he loves me anymore. I mean he gave me a hug and kiss before he left for work today, and he told me that he loved me after he called me the first time today. Then when he called me at 10pm tonight, he didn't say, "I love you." He just said, "Take care."  I hate mixed signals! He won't be getting any sex from me, especially if I have a suspicion that he might possibly be fucking around. A good part of me says that he's not, but another part says he is moving on because he no longer loves me. "A beer to relax." YEAH RIGHT! I don't know what to believe or think anymore. |
I decided today that I would make some homeade chili, and I am. It takes a lot off of my mind, and gives me something to do. Besides I love to cook and bake!  I have thought about a lot since lastnight. Part of Jerry's problem might be me and my habits. I am only working part time, I hardly spend any time with him, because I am on the computer so much, and I don't pay for any of the expenses except for gas and food. He's right about a lot of things about me. I need to do a total 180 on my part. I need to find a full time job, help with the expenses and be a better partner to Jerry. I feel responsible for half of what's going on with us. He told me lastnight that I spend more time on WDC than I do with him. I didn't know that this made him feel bad like that. I didn't think that he minded me being on here. He thinks that it's a cool thing for me to do but thinks that I should spend less time on here and more time with him. I agree with him. I will just be on here when he isn't home or when he's sleeping. I am going to make some major changes to my life, not just for Jerry but for myself more than anything. I will lose weight and be healthy again, I will get a job making more money, and have my own car again. I am willing to make changes for the better for me. Even if Jerry and I are no longer together at least I will have the new and improved me. I want Jerry to fall in love me all over again and be the person I was when he first met me. I want Jerry to change for the better too and kick his nasty habits too. I can only hope and pray for the best. |
| A sweet-caring, loving, kind hearted man that's loyal, honest, with lots of integrity. Jerry definately DOES NOT HAVE ANY OF THESE QUALITIES! Not once have I met a guy with these qualities. Not any men of my generation that is. Just because Jerry and I get into a fight or argument, he goes straight to the internet to chat with other girls. That's what I think he was doing anyway. I heard him typing, then he would pause for a few seconds then start typing again. Then I asked him what he was doing, he replies with this lame-ass remark; "I didn't think that it mattered what I did on the internet anymore." This just proves that I cannot trust him with an inch of my life. Is this what's going to happen every time we have an arguement or disagreement. Will he push further and physically betray me? I don't mind that he looks at porn on the internet or stuff like that. I really hate it when he im's other women and exchanges dirty pictures. Every boyfriend that I have ever had has never been honest with me. When I met Jerry I thought that he was my chance at a loving and happy relationship. I guess not. Stupid-gullable me. He was my last hope at ever trusting another man. He blew it for me and for himself. If he wants to make this work or to reconcile, he will have to go through a major transformation. Mostly psychological. He has some issues that I alone cannot fix. Not by myself anyway. If we don't make it through this and we part ways and I remain in Florida, I will make sure that all of his ex-co-workers know about his sleezy behaviors, and his parents too. I will drag his ass through the mud! This won't be slander because it's the truth.I hope that my dear cousin Melissa doesn't leak any of this to our family because I have no idea in what direction this situation will go. |
I almost forgot........one month from today I will be the big 3-0!  I can't believe it. I hope that my birthday turns out really good this year. With the way things are going, I totally doubt it though. *sigh* I have never an outstanding birthday before. I just don't get excited anymore. Oh well. |
| It's official. Jerry and I broke up. I think that I am through with men. I don't have the energy or the strength to love again. I have gone sour when it comes to men. Single life is the life for me. I finally broke down and cried about it. Jerry claims that he has cried over it many times as well. Yeah right. I am getting too old to start over again with another man. The only thing that people have taught me, is not to trust anybody. I think that I will follow that belief for the rest of my life. I won't walk down the aisle or become a mother ever. I have finally given up on that dream. I don't believe that I will ever have the life that I want. People don't take me seriously, especially men. I am done. |
| I no longer have the strength to deal with Jerry anymore. It isn't worth it. His mind is messed up and not very mature when it comes to relationships. I need someone who is going to take me seriously and treat me with love and respect. I ended up sleeping on the livingroom floor lastnight. I would've slept on the couch, except for one problem.........it doesn't accomodate my height very well. I got about 5 hours of sleep, but this is because I went to sleep at 3:30am, not because of the floor. I am tired of the way I am being treated and blamed for everything that's wrong. I don't need a man to be content with my life. I found this out the hard way. But at least I found out regardless. I don't see any hope of patching things up with Jerry. I feel that it's too late. I don't want to give up on him, I am just tired of hoping, trying and praying. Praying definately DOES NOT work! Neither do the other two. I know, I have experience in all three. I feel like he's playing head-games with me, and I hate that more than anything. I still feel a connection with Jerry, but Jerry doesn't feel a connection with me. We don't do things together anymore like we used to. That's Jerry's fault. He never makes time for us to do things anymore. I am always willing and able. He isn't. I am tired of all of this. |
| I think Jerry and I are on the verge of a break-up. I don't care anymore. We probably will break up. If this is the case, I am not going to date anymore. I have no patience for men like him. He tells me that I don't do enough in our relationship. I do contribute. It's small, but it's better than nothing. I am working part-time, but it's something until I can get something better. I have had many opportunities to get great jobs, but Jerry won't let me because of the distance. I could've had a better job working as an insurance agent at $15/hr, but Jerry says that it's too far. Bullshit! It isn't that I am not trying, it's just Jerry won't let me try. What an asshole! He says he feels that we don't connect anymore. I feel that that's his fault too. He withdraws from me and won't talk. All the times that I thought that we were doing better, he comes up with something else to bitch and whine about. I am tired of this whole thing! If he wants to end it, that's fine with me. I am tired of being the blame of everything that's wrong in this relationship. I give up trying to let God deal with everything in my life. He doesn't seem to care about me anyway. I guess that I am the product of my parents sins. I am being punished for being born. I am tired of everything going wrong in my life. I have no more energy to fight anymore. I have taken off my engagement ring for good this time. If Jerry doesn't want me anymore, then I don't want the fucking ring! My life is like a roller coaster, but this roller coaster is one that heads in one direction, and that is down. I never have any 'up' moments. I am tired of being around people that don't want to grow the hell up. I think that I might be calling my dad to come down and get me soon, since Jerry doesn't want me around. Jerry claims that he's 'tried' to make things work. He blames it all on me. Just a few days ago he was the one that said that he doesn't provide well enough for me and that I deserve better. It's like he has a split-personality or something. One minute he says one thing, and then the next he says something completely different. I am not basing my idea that I don't want to be with anyone else because of Jerry, it's because I am too old to start over again, and I do not have one ounce of patience left for anyone on this planet. I tend to think that God abandoned me. I know that he saved me from certain death when I had my surgery. But what good is life if I can't have great memories with someone that I love dearly, or even have a long happy life with or without that certain someone? I keep wondering what my purpose in life is. I have been asking that for many years and have not seen an answer yet. |
| This has not been a very pleasant day for me or the rest of Florida. When I first came outside today it seemed like a really nice day outside. Heh. Spoke too soon. When I dropped Jerry off at work today, I got out of the car and I caught a whiff of this smokey smell. I think GREAT. On my way back to Clearwater it seemed to get worse as I drove north going to work. Soon the smoke was so thick that you couldn't see the street signs or the traffic lights.....let alone the other cars. I missed my turn and ended up turning back to get back in the right direction. I finally got to work and as soon as I stepped outside of the car I was gasping for air. I have allergies, asthma, and sinus problems. I get into the building and there is smoke in there too. Luckily they provided us with smoke/dust masks. I am getting tired of all of these fires spreading down from northern Florida and Georgia.........and to make things worse someone told me that this nasty smokey air will last for 3 days!!! Three DAYS!?!?!? DAMN!!! Will we ever get relief from this shit? They keep predicting rain, but we never get any! |
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