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Rated: 18+ · Book · Experience · #1254729
A compendium of my thoughts. Probably disturbing to most people.
Begun on April 28, 2007, because I was tired of forgetting things. I place all of my really heavy thoughts here, and they are heavy. I avoid harsh language, but it will be there sometimes, and any links should be followed tentatively. May or may not blow your freaking mind.
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May 29, 2008 at 12:19am
May 29, 2008 at 12:19am
I wrote a little peice on a girl I fell in love with a long time ago. this is about a different girl. not long enough to be a paper, but it doesn't rhyme, and I hate free verse. what am I to do with myself?

I am solid.
I am your anchor. I am always there, whenever you need me. But I am alone.
I need your light, your passion.
I will chase you until we are both out of breath; over hill and underbridge,
through the blackberry patch and across cities miles wide.
I long for an adventure. You are such.
Around you, chaos forces ripples in the universe, rending open a path that you can't even see, but you walk it.
I can see the ripples, I see the close-calls, last minute vibrations in the cosmos, just barely in time to keep you in existence.
I am afraid,
I am excited.
I want to watch you forge your path.
But first, I need to meet you.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
March 21, 2008 at 1:27pm
March 21, 2008 at 1:27pm
my inability to make friends who are girls, much less net myself a girlfriend of anytype, has pushed me to the point visiting a number of the "tips for guys" style websites. what I found was entirely unhelpful. nearly all of them assume you're in your late twenties and have a significant dating history. the talk about calling up exes, dealing with women with children, and office relationships. now that's all well and good unless you happen to be twenty and desparate, which, of course, I am. I ventured into the "teen" dating advice through a search for "tips for young men", and found myself apalled at the level of advice we're giving our teens these days. all the websites expounded the virtues of simply going up and talking to the girl, as if every female teenager was simply waiting around for a male who, upon contact, she would then marry and be happy with forever, the end. I won't go into what I think they should be saying simply because I'm not really one to talk, but I think my point there stands on its own.
I digress. the only websites geared toward my agegroup are college websites, but seeing as I'm not in college, I don't think an article entitled "how to make a move on that homeroom crush" is going to be of much use to me.
another thing these sites do it split up their articles into groups. you cannot find an article covering every facet of a successful date. you must first read "how to get her number", then read "when to call her", then continue on to "what to say during phonecalls", et cetera. which wouldn't be nearly as bad if it wasn't that certain sections are always absent. often the article progressing will go to "ending the date" and skip immediately to "how to please her in bed", leaving one oblivious as to how to make the leap. and by "one", I of course mean me. how am I supposed to broach the subject without getting slapped or looking like a tool? this is what these website and advisors are supposed to do, and yet they are no help at all. from various experiments done by others, I know that if a person goes up to 100 women and asks them to have sex, he will get laid once and slapped between 20 and 25 times, which, to a different perspective, borders on S&M.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
October 2, 2007 at 7:12am
October 2, 2007 at 7:12am
It's not quite four in the morning and I'm thinking of love. again. Why do I think this? I make myself lonely. Why now? Half a year ago I was content with my life. i had but needed no one. I had all my desires if not fulfilled then kept in check. Now I feel lonely. perhaps the decade of reading of love has finally caught up with me. perhaps my hormones have kicked into high gear, perhaps i was not as mature as i thought I was.
What scares me just a little is that I like this. I feel empty, and yet I am filled more than when I need no one. I would rather feel lonely than need no one. It's not a choice I make, not a preference; it's something fundamental, like appreciating a breast or listening to a beat.
Perhaps my feelings more intense now that I am so at ease. I have slow guitar music playing, but not loud enough to drown out the sound of the wind through the trees outside. as the minutes pass, i can hear rain occasionally. the shade taps gently against the sill of the open window in my bathroom. the room is lit by the soft light of my lamp, its strong bulb dampened by a dark shade. Kokopelli, unmoving, dances on its base. My keyboard is lit from underneath, a wonderous thing. I've dimmed its normally intense luminescence.
Even as the music swells in a crescendo, I hear the wind in the pines. Evergreens make calmer, deeper sounds than their seasonal counterparts. deciduous trees rattle and shake like a junkyard. Evergreens are the shush of a mother to her crying child, the hushing of an audience as the lights dim.

Ha, that's it for today. Inspiration over.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
September 22, 2007 at 11:12pm
September 22, 2007 at 11:12pm
You are racist to children. You are racist because you assume that, being younger, they are stupid. You are wrong.
If I know one thing, it's that no one likes to be talked to in baby talk unless they're babies, and I think they're leading us on. Why, then, do people insist on speaking in such a way to toddlers and pre-adolescents? children have a recognition vocabulary roughly the size of a given adult's working vocabulary. That means as long as you talk normally, a child will have no problem following you; unlike most adults, they will also not hesitate to ask what a word means should you drop something huge out.
Most children understand most social concepts. I wouldn't engage most children in an abortion debate, but there is still no reason to break the world down into black and white. How many times have you heard "that's a bad man, and bad men go to jail", or somesuch thing? We tell children this, assuming they'll pick up on the grey area sooner or later, but why should we assume that? why also should we assume they can't handle that grey area now? When is it too early to teach them that all people are fundamentally good and some of them just make a lot of poor decisions? Look at your own morals. does your judgment of right and wrong get further than "the criminals should be punished"? How do you view civil disobedience? Children are at a stage where they can learn complexity, where the need to learn complexity. Simplification is counterintuitive.*
Teenagers are subject to this, as well, and I should know: I've been one for nearly half my life. I've had several jobs that mixed many different age groups, and I've observed that the only significant difference between working with teenagers and working with adults is that the know far more about recent history. In terms of maturity, I see no difference, and in terms of intelligence I see no difference. While working on a boat, I met a man in his late thirties who took offense at everything, deflected blame, and slacked off. i also met an eighteen-year-old who worked hard and did his tasks well. he was building on his bank account so he could better raise the child his wife was carrying.
Juveniles tend to be juvenile precisely because that's how we treat them. They are second-class citizens with poor education and poorer judgment, and thwey can't be trusted. in Japan, the age of consent is sixteen. they act like eighteen-year-olds. in taiwan, it's fourteen. they act like eighteen-year-olds. the people who have struck me as mature tend to have had to raise children at one point in ther teen years. one man had a child at 15. "I grew up pretty fast," he said. A mature teacher of mine was well-liked among his students. his father was a deadbeat and although I never learned of his mother, I assume she was even less help. He raised his younger broher almost single-handedly. I have a friend who is in a very similar situation right now. he provides most of the family income, and has for several years. he'll be turning nineteen soon.
I work in the outdoors a lot, and my skin is a little weathered. I also grow a strong beard. I look about my age of nineteen when I'm clean-shaven, and people guess my age at around 25 with a month's growth. I am treated very differently with the beard than without. as a teen, I strike people as a know-it-all who butts into conversations. I stick my nose into other people's business and give advice where it isn't wanted. I'm also wrong a lot. as a bearded twenty-something, I am an intellectual, knowledgeable about many subjects. my advice is welcome and appreciated, even if it is a little long-winded. I'm right about many things. I can also say that I'm psychologically mature for my age when I'm sporting the beard. the same statement is brushed off and occasionally ridiculed when I've shaved.
Think about it the next time you're talking to a youth, and ask yourself, "how am I changing my speech? what subjects am I avoiding? what am I assuming about this child?", and then ask yourself why.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
September 18, 2007 at 8:17pm
September 18, 2007 at 8:17pm

16: The Internet. An unmitigated disaster by most sane standards, the internet's original goal of a massive, world-wide communications line for educated thought and artistic expession has been nearly completely overwhelmed by the largest amount of porn seen on planet earth. many websites are subject to random, malicious attacks planned and executed by forum members so powerful, they hold even their own moderators at bay (that would be the /b/tards, or the collective "Anonymous", if you will). shock sites filled with images and videos that go far, far beyond titillating, beyond disturbed, and well into the pathologic. It is truly a no-man's land. It is perhaps the only no-man's land left on earth. the few laws that govern the internet are simple and unambiguous, and I love it that way. the knowledge that you can find nearly anything on the internet is a gleaming becon of freedom in a world that seems more repressed than it needs to be, and this brings me to my next thing.

17: Freedom. Not physical freedom, but the freedom to think whatever you choose. in everyone there is a will to defy the collective and think their own thoughts, and they have the complete and total freedom to choose. thinking differently may often take more willpower than people are used to using, but wants are mental limitations we put on ourselves to make our lives less boring.

Hamlet: Denmark's a prison.
Rosencrantz: Then is the world one.
Hamlet: A goodly one; in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.
Rosencrantz: We think not so, my lord.
Hamlet: Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison.

I think it's topical to quote the theme to the short-lived Fox television series "Firefly": Take my life, take my land/take me where I cannot stand/I don't care, I'm still free/you can't take the sky from me.

18. Zen. Not the religion, but the state. Zen is the pinnacle of insanity, where upon reaching the summit, you become sane. Zen is the duality of nature, light and shadow. Zen is the Pope not noticing that a small dog is pissing on the hem of his holy garments. But all that "I can figure it out, therefore I'm better than you" bullshit aside, zen is the knowledge that the ultimate knowledge is beyond knowing, and the consideration that this knowledge is the ultimate knowledge. Going back in time to kill your own father is very zen. in practical tems, Zen isn't just paradoxes, though. those who are truly zen would laugh at their own death, just as they would laugh at others'. But zen is difficult to teach. i can show you zen, explain it brilliantly but simply, as I have above, lay it out in two sentences, as I have above, and it is still up to you to figure it out. But before you say "Dan, if you can't teach it to a five-year-old, you don't really know what you're talking about", I may note that you are a mature adult (or close enough). can you teach what maturity is, or can you only describe and demonstrate it and hope I get it?

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
September 1, 2007 at 2:27pm
September 1, 2007 at 2:27pm
Many people wonder just what separates humans from other animals. some have gone so far as to say that there is no separation, and there is some merit to their arguments. However, I know better; Name me one other creature that makes music. not just pretty noises, but melodies, beats, songs. There are other creatures that masturbate, other creatures that mate for life, other creatures with good problem-solving abilities, but not a one can make music. This is what separates the intelligent from the animalistic.
It is true that many humans can't make as incredible compositions as those talejnted few among us, but nearly everyone has some ability to lay down a beat and make up a tune. no matter how terrible, it's still music. Take truly good music, Nirvana, for instance, to anywhere in the world, and the people will listen and comprehend the quality. They may not understand the words, but the beat and melody will pervade.
It is also true that young children suck at making music. It is true as well that they suck at speaking, walking, and problem-solving. they are children, after all. regardless, truly great music will capture the attention of even an infant. Our recognition of music is ingrained, or so I believe.
It amazes me how much emotional investment I have in music. I can use it to agument or even create emotions in myself. I vent anger and frustration through Mindless Self Indulgence, Pantera, and the Hives. I make lighter moods bubbly with Fantastic Plastic Machine, Silly Wizard, and the White Stripes. I can increase my speed when writing simply by playing Da Rude or Juno Reactor. I can relax to Chris Smither or Jason Mraz. In a funk, I let the Guano apes pull me out, and when I'm too excited, I let Coldplay soothe my nerves.
Music saves me.
"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
May 18, 2007 at 7:35pm
May 18, 2007 at 7:35pm
The second installment of things that, if you do not like them, you should probably die.

9: New places. I don't just mean generally, like Paris or Rome or somesuch things: I'm also referring to places like the little abandoned spots in your city that you fail to notice. abandoned buildings, empty lots, driveways to nowhere; all places have these things or something like them.

10: Calvin and Hobbes. There's treasure everywhere! I pragmatically turn my whims into principles.

11: apples. Woe be unto ye who eats not the fruit! apples are awesome. I prefer Fujis grown locally, but I was a fan of the Pink Lady strain for a long time. there's nothing quite like the taste and texture of a good, fresh apple.

12: books. I would not be who I am today without books. I'll let the stories inside vouch for their value, but beyond that there's something romantic about propping yourself up on a couch in front of a fire, putting on some music, and wasting a whole evening consumed by the adventures in the pages. my favorite book for that scenario is Don Quixote. another romantic ideal: a cool but sunny summer day in a park, sitting against a tree, book on knee. feel free to turn that into a poem. I like reading Kant's works in that scene, for no particular reason.

13: Jarritos. a Mexican soda. Comes in such interesting flavors as Orange, Fruit Punch, Tamarind, and Guava. I prefer Lime. no matter what flavor you have, it should be sipped and it will go well with a cheese-based dish.

14: Anime. From the beginning with Tezuka's Astro Boy to the recent masterpiece of Kurau: Phantom Memory, Anime has delivered a hearty helping of quality material from every genre. Even some of the most despised works, such as Urotsukidouji, are shining examples of creativity, artistry, and execution. The best that Anime offers is some of the best media ever created. The intricate, gripping plot of Perfect blue, the cliche-bashing (and re-enforcing) of Saiyuki, the masterful directing and execution of Kino's Journey, the sly social commentary and wit of Azumanga Daioh and Cromartie High School, anime has brilliance to please a fan of anything. Even pornography is brought to another level in works such as Words Worth and Bathus: Tia's Radiance, where plotlines are intelligent and engaging, and the erotica brings out the true meaning of the word. Favorite Anime so far: Kino's Journey.

15: These 3 Blogs. Brainsturbator, Hump Jones, and Skilluminati Reasearch. They are as gods among the minds of mortal men. read them if you're in the mood for a mindfuck, because all three serve that at least twice a week.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
May 10, 2007 at 8:23pm
May 10, 2007 at 8:23pm
In a particularly unpatriotic article bashing the way the America is set up, the writer noted that one of his goals was to live in a different city every year, for five years. A commenter responded that it would be impossible to do so, as he would need jobs to provide the necessary cash flow. I beg to differ.
In my home state of washington, the minimum wage is the highest in the country at just shy of eight dollars an hour. this comes out to roughly 1200 dollars monthly. I don't think it's terribly hard to get a minimum wage job, so I'll ignore that and assume it takes one month per job to be employed. So That is income. Now for perspective.
I live in an apartment my father owns. as such, I get the family rate of 350 dollars a month, roughly, which is incredible rent in any first-world country. As for my income, I have a surprisingly stable income for having no "real" job: I gross about 500 dollars a month. less rent I have 150 dollars to feed myself and do whatever else I might want to do. It would not suprise you to learn that i am living beyond my means. What might suprise you is that I am doing so by only 50 dollars a month.
Mind you, most of that goes to my food. I eat around 5000 calories a day and stay at a stable weight because I cycle places rather than take a car, and am otherwise beefy-manly. I rarely buy things because i don't need them. I have The Internet to amuse, entertain, and inform, a PS2 for mindless recreation, a local library for mental stimulation, and plenty of friends. so, living an inexpensive but healthy and happy life costs me around 550 dollars a month.
Dert Pore Cheep rent in most smaller population centers is 600 dollars, if you're lucky. say 800 dollars a month and no roommates. food is around 200, assuming the spender is myself and that I go out to eat once a month, which isn't unreasonable. set aside 100 dollars for bike repairs, bus fare, and cash for homeless people (I'm ever so charitable), and at washington wages, you have 200 dollars left to do watever the hell you want with, be that storing it away for emergencies, picking up a cheap health insurance plan (really, really cheap health insurance plan), or buying coke and hookers.
If you happen to run an interesting website that receives donations, as the writer in question did, you would have yet more income, posssibly enough to balance out the lower wages in other, non-lewis-and-clark-related states. and if you got a job that pays more than minimum wage, well, that's just peachy.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
May 4, 2007 at 5:48pm
May 4, 2007 at 5:48pm
This is the first installment of the things in life that prevent me from killing myself. They are in no particular order and will probably consume a large portion of this blag.

1: Tasty Food. Near where I live is a fish and chips shop. I like to oreder the salmon and chips, then mull around town until I'm hungry again. Then i like to go home and make an open-face sandwitch of Italian dry salami, kerrygold's Dubliner cheese, and a hearty locqal bread. Later on, i'll make some ramen with egg, veggies, and some meat. I pour out most of the packet-broth.

2: The Sky. When's the last time you looked at the sky? Go outside and look at the sky. i don't care if it's raining. No sky is ever the same, sort of like snowflakes that change shape. The sky is beautiful. You haven't gone outside, yet, have you? Dance in the rain, bathe in the sun, watch the clouds change.

3: Good People. Have you ever seen someone admit their mistake an make amends immediately? Try and watch for it if you can. It makes you feel good all over, almost on the verge of tears of joy. These people are where the concept of "Honor" started. These people open doors for you, too, and tend to volunteer. Hand the next one you see a fiver.

4: The Sound of Rain. I always wish storms would continue on forever. I'm always glad to be back to normal after it's passed, but during a deluge i can think of nothing else. The feeling is completely indescribable. If you could hear contentedness, it would sound like rain falling on flowers and rooftops. If you ever get the chance, trap yourself in a wood cabin in the woods during a rainstorm, preferably with a significant other. Heaven is huddling with your soulmate under a blanket while the scent of old pine and the sound of the gale entrance your senses.

5: A Hard Day's Work. Absolutely nothing beats a long day of hard physical labor. I once spent an entire day felling trees and dragging them places. It was exhilarating. I've spent an entire day trying to remove an enourmous stup, and half a day chopping wood. The power you feel is immense, and the relief and satisfaction of finishing sutch hard jobs is equally great.

6: Sex. If I need to describe this for you, you probably shouldn't be hearing about it.

7: The Smell of an Old Library. You walk into its voluminous walls and your nostrils taste the crisp but musty air, and you know that this is a compendium of centuries of thought. It reeks of experiences languishing on shelves. the dust cries out to be removed by an exploratory mind. Whenever I enter a library, I'm exuberant, but i reign it in, be it because of tradition or something more.

8: Music. Watch for an extended post on this. There's way too much here to tell in one blag post.

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.
May 3, 2007 at 10:27pm
May 3, 2007 at 10:27pm
I've been reading a lot of really heavy formal writing recently. a lot of experiment conclusions, reports to congress and the like, and I've noticed a certain device is used over and over again. The purpose of this post is to identify this device and criticise it. later, this post will discuss my personal views on it beyond simple criticism.
That was the device. yes, directly above this sentence. I can't stand it. It really grinds my gears to see people employ it. it's terribly overused. there are much better ways of sounding smarter than you really are, like putting an "indeed" at the beginning of every other sentence and repeating yourself in different words. Indeed, there are a variety of ways to avoid using this device. It really bites my ear that people can't write intelligently without explaining what they're going to do later on. I think it's really bad that the people who use it arwe rarley being paid by the word, so the use of it mystifies me. I can understand a sentence or two that lays out the purpose of a paper, but there's no reason to state the facts that you will present in the next dang paragraph!
What really twists my duodenum is that this isn't some Lost English Relic of Oldde like the double-space after a colon that i use (I'll post on that some other time). This is something second-graders' are taught. I remember being criticised on it clearly because my teacher was so blunt about it. she said, "Don't tell them [the reader] what you're going to do, just do it!"
If you do this, then I'm sorry, you have to stop. for the sake of good writing, you can make one little sacrifice, right? right? Tell you what, I'll stop mixing in British quote style if you stop this nonsensical writing, okay?

"My hand is not so great that showing it would make a difference." -persuader user from Kino no Tabi.

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