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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I feel a need to write this down in here. Personally, I really don't care if there are comments or not, because, this is how I, myself, feel, about my life, and no two people or lives are exactly the same, and no two perspectives are ever the same either. I can't guarantee that Don will feel this way, even though he and I are sharing our lives together. This is solely on me, and I really feel that any advice given isn't going to be of any possible use to me. To be honest, I'm not even really looking for advice at this time. I just...I need to let this out. I am a needy person. This is fact. I've driven many people away because of this fact. I'm still trying to figure out why Don is here with how needy and smothering I am. I guess he loves being needed. The role of Mama placated my neediness; my little ones needed me as much as I needed them. It was such a beautiful harmony, me helping, them learning, us all getting what we needed from it. And then today, when Ryan decided he'd rather hang out upstairs in his room (not to say that I'm against that. Not at all. Teenagers need their space, and their own time. Someday very soon, he's going to grow up, move out of the house, and be on his own, and be his own company. There's nothing wrong with that.) then hang out downstairs with Journey and I, I started to realize where in this particular parenting adventure we were in. I've pretty much worked myself out of a job now with Ryan. He's very independent, he can do a lot of things on his own, including his own laundry, procuring lunch, etc. While I'm thrilled to know that I have helped mold an independent free thinking good citizen of the world, I also realize that he needs me so much less than he used to, even less than he did a year ago. In about two years, it will be even less than that, as he'll get his drivers license, and won't require me for a ride anymore. My mind goes from being innately proud of him, to wondering what I'm going to do with myself and all this newfound free time. I have Journey, but for how long? I'm even supposed to be stepping back from leading my troop, into being more of an adviser now. It's getting to the point where, my kids don't need me nearly as much as I need them. The truth of the matter is, I've always needed them. I've always needed them to need me, and want to spend time with me, and be around. Maybe I'm lucky, that I got a good chunk of Ryan's attention until he was 14. Maybe some other mothers don't even get that from their sons. We're still very close, and I love him so damn much it hurts, but I also don't want to hold him back. Just because I need him doesn't mean I'll hold him back and keep him caged. I would hate for anyone to do that to me, so why would I do it to him? The same goes for Journey. Right now, at the cusp of eleven, she and I are two peas in a pod. In fact, the biggest reason I booked a flight to Minnesota for both her and me is because when I t old her I was going, she begged me to take her with me. She and I both felt like it would be very hard on her, so, I bought her an accompanying ticket. This may very well be the last trip she ever asks me to take her with. I don't know. The years, they play tricks on me. Sometimes, I think my kids wouldn't do this or say that, and other times, I realize just how one dimensional thinking that is, and how I seem to have my kids put in a box, believing that we'll always be this way, forever and ever, and that's not the case. My life is made up in two minds-the logical, rational side of me, and the emotional, irrational side of me. I don't always realize when I'm being emotional or irrational, but eventually, my logical, rational side of me will realize I am, and tell me to stop. Problem is, my emotional, irrational side is so worked up about it all, my logical, rational side can't take over and control the flames that are busting out into the streets of my mind. A good portion of this is due to my mental health, and believe me when I say that tinkering with my psych meds for the last 8 or 9 years has helped me tremendously to listen more to that logical, rational side. I don't completely lose all control, ESPECIALLY over huge things, but sometimes, I feel a good cry come on over situations I thought I could handle but apparently cannot. I don't deny myself a good cry either, as I find it extremely cathartic and I feel a million times better after I'm done. But I digress. I realize that as the kids age, they will need me much less. My emotional side says that if I try hard enough, we can stay the way we are right now in a holding pattern for the rest of our lives. The logical, rational side of me says that's not possible, all things must grow and change, including myself, and even if I don't want it to, things are going to be different. My heart pleads for that to not be the case. I want Ryan and Journey to need me every day, just the way I need them...but my mind knows, that's not the way any of this works. So where do I go from here? I don't even know. I know right now I'm going to keep on doing my best to live in the moment and enjoy having my kids with me still at this time. I know that I need to continue helping them learn to take care of themselves and look after themselves for when they leave the nest, and when they're out there in the big world on their own. I don't want to sabotage this, or fail them just because I'm selfish. That's not what a good parent does. (On an aside note, I can't help but feel that I was sabotaged when I was a teenager as well...but that's another story for another day, and I am here to break cycles.) I know this sounds horrible, but frankly, at this juncture, there's not a lot of things I want to put my time into, other than what I'm doing now. Being Mama is one of my most favorite things, and I really don't want to have to give up being hands on Mama until I have to, but we're starting to move towards that. Soon I'll have to be far away Mama, or Mama on the phone. It's nice....but it's not what I want. Emotional, irrational side speaking. Logically and rationally, I know that what I want and what needs to happen are two different things. I'm dragging my feet and being surly about it. That's not going to help anyone in this situation, and I need to find other productive things to do with my time. Nothing seems as fulfilling as what I've been doing though. Would I do it again by fostering/adopting another little one? Honestly? I'm not entirely sure. The emotional side of me says maybe...the rational side of me says "Lady, are you outta your damn mind?? We've got kids who need money for college! Where are you supposed to find extra funds to adopt a little one??". Perhaps the two need to meet up and hold a meeting of the minds. That's not something to take into lightly. Most importantly, it's something Don and I would have to talk about. I'm not about to do something like that without bringing him into it. And frankly, I think he's fine with the kids growing up and moving on....more than I am apparently. And, funny, you'd think having Dixon would solve these issues...but the fact of the matter is, the cat doesn't seem to be too needy of me, other than to fill his water dish, food bowl, and clean his litter box. He lavishes all his attention and affection on Don....sometimes I feel like the cat and I are competing for my husband's attention. Again, another story for another day...I'm all over the place here today...don't mind me... It just hits me in waves sometimes. Sometimes, I'm fine with everything that's happening, and sometimes, my need to be with my kids is all consuming. I love all the people (and the being) in my house. I want to be surrounded by them constantly....but realistically, I know that's not possible. I've loved every single day of summer vacation so far, because I'm with my two kids day in and day out. We go everywhere together, with or without the car. I'm crying right now because, I don't know how long that's going to last. In six weeks, they'll return back to school, and soon, it will just be Dixon and me during the day. Dixon's happy right now that the kids are home with me right now, and feels comfortable being with us the whole time. When it's him and me, he usually decides to stay upstairs and nap his time away until the kids come home. Frankly, I don't blame him, and I would too, but I can't force myself to sleep. It comes when it wants to. I have no real choice in the matter, and it upsets me. My options are limited. My time is running out. Right now, I'm determined to make the most of it, and enjoy every day that we have, because who knows what tomorrow holds. It's what tomorrow holds that makes me drag my feet in the now, and makes me uncomfortable and uncertain. |
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