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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I am FULL of pride right now, for all the amazing things that are going on! Firstly, Ryan made All County Honor Band this year. The last time he made it was when he was in 5th grade. This time around, he's outdone himself-he earned 1st chair out of the entire county. To say I'm bursting would be an understatement. 1st chair is a HUGE accomplishment, and I am beside myself! My son, my amazing, talented son, is 1st chair out of the entire All County Honor Band. To top that off, the principal of his middle school hand wrote a postcard to him to congratulate him on all his accomplishments for All County Honor Band. When I saw in the mail today, I burst into tears. He deserves every accolade he gets. He's amazing! Secondly, my lovely little Journey has not only earned her safety patrol pin for being safety patrol for the elementary school for first quarter, but she also earned star student for the month of October!! I cried when she brought home the invitation to the ceremony. I am so very proud of her, she's such a model citizen in her school. She's an amazing girl, and she exudes responsibility. I couldn't be more proud of her if I tried. I cannot wait to go to her ceremony on Friday and watch her receive her certificate! I will have my camera in hand and take a few shots! Lastly, my Bronze Award girls, all nine of them, worked together to put on what was basically their Bronze Award event, Girl Scout 101. Oh my goodness, I am SO FREAKING PROUD of them!! The stations were fantastic, and things went so smoothly, my girls handled everything with class and grace, and outdid themselves on all that they prepared and all they did. It was a smashing success, and I am literally brought to tears on just how well they did, and what they've accomplished. They worked so hard for this, and they deserve everything they've earned. We have a Bronze Award meeting on Wednesday, where we will discuss our next steps to what we're going to do. A lot needs to be talked about, and we have plenty of options, so we'll make decisions, take votes, and see where we're going from here. My heart is bursting!! |
| As usual, things have been happening on my time away from here. Sometimes it's too much to blog about, sometimes it's too personal to blog about, sometimes it's just batshit crazy to blog about, and other times, it's just..nothing great to blog about. I know, I know, I should be blogging all this so I can look back and remember. I know. I guess, some things I just want to forget. Had a bit of a dark period there for a little while. My meds never let me stay down for very long though. Even when I'm not feeling 100%, I still find a way to throw it back on my shoulders and trudge through it. I don't have time to be down. However, Don has reminded me that I do need to take time to feel what I'm feeling, and try to work through it. Nothing ever gets resolved when I just shove it all down inside me and keep going. Unfortunately, that's what I've been doing for the last 12 years. It's what I'm used to. My perspective always changes from one week to the next, so I don't really stand still and drown in anything. Truly though, this is survival mode at its finest. Because of revealing my true feelings to my therapist and her telling me that I was throwing a pity party for myself and looking for the wrong kind of attention, I have decided I'm not going back to her. Truthfully, this has been a long time coming. I have never really felt comfortable with her, and only give her information from the tip of the iceberg. The reason I have stayed with her this far is because she was the only one in my general area that took my insurance. I regret the time I have wasted there, but at the same time, I have come to learn to rely on myself and Don more. No one will ever be Therapist Bill, and I've come to realize that. I'm not expecting that everyone BE Therapist Bill-but at least some semblance of him and his caring, listening nature. My now ex-therapist was more critical of me than she was a shoulder to lean on. I guess I stayed because I was so fearful of what I would do without a therapist. At this point though, her brand of help isn't doing me any good, and I'm not going to waste any more time, energy and money on her. I'm done. I will continue to seek a new therapist, but for the time being, I think I'll be okay without one. I'm kind of glad about how many badges we were able to put on last year, because it seems as though we won't be able to put on too many this year. I'm still having a hard time with this "every other week or less" deal, but, if it's the only way to keep my girls with me, I'll do it, and I'll do what I can. The Bronze Award stuff has been very time consuming and all encompassing right now. Saturday is our fundraising event, Girl Scout 101. We've got 21 Daisies and Brownies registered. I'm not entirely sure I've prepared the girls for this as well as I hoped I would, and that makes me quite nervous, but I think they'll be okay, we've got some back up from a Cadette troop, and we still have tomorrow's Bronze meeting and Friday's meeting to work on things and get everything together for Saturday. This is what we've been working on, all summer. I'm going to do my best to stand back, let the girls do their thing, and just wander around and take pictures. They've got this...I think. I think they do. I'm pretty sure they do. Just in case though, we'll practice tomorrow and Friday. After Girl Scout 101 is over, it's then time for us to turn our attention to our Bronze project, which is creating sleep inspired baby bundles for low income families. I've been doing some research (which is bad, because I'm not supposed to do the research, the girls are. Not to say that the girls haven't been doing research-they have. I guess I just got a little excited and had some extra time and decided to look some things up? I'll show them what I saw, and let them poke around and see if they can find better. I'm only aiding, not doing for them, I promise!), and with the extra we earned from Girl Scout 101, and from our Fall Product fundraiser, we've earned just about enough to help 25-30 families. It's not much, both in terms of helping, and in terms of what all the bundles consist of, or at least the girls don't think it is, but every little bit helps, and if we can put the word out there, that's what matters the most, right? We'll discuss it more after Girl Scout 101 on Saturday. So much to talk about. I think, if anyone who's going through Bronze Award projects next year wants some advice, I will be sure to let them know just how time consuming it all is. As of Girl Scout 101, 7 of my 9 girls will have earned more than enough hours to complete the Bronze. If Girl Scout 101 WAS the Bronze project, 8 of my 9 would be earning it on Saturday. I am so proud of them for all the work they've put into this, and all that they're accomplishing. They've done fantastically. Also, my other suggestion would be to really make sure all the girls in the troop complete the Journey together, so that way they can ALL work on the Bronze, because having to split time and resources and money and such is such a pain! |
| Sometimes, my kids do something totally amazing that just surprises the hell outta me and makes me smile. So, yesterday, on this very blog, I was lamenting how puberty is making my kids super sassy towards each other, and it was driving me nuts. For the last 9 years, Ryan and Journey have been very amicable, nary any bad blood between them. Then Journey started puberty, and Ryan's currently in the middle of puberty, and two kids with super strong emotions at the same time is kind of...whoa nelly. It's an interesting white water rapid adventure, let's put it that way, shall we? Last night, at dinner, Ryan asked if we could go talk after dinner was over. I always say yes when they want to talk. (Truth be told, I would rather sit and talk and hang out with them than be online, watch tv, or anything else. Connecting with the people I love is far more important to me than anything else in this world.) We headed upstairs right after dinner, and Ryan began to pour his heart out. Ryan is very logical, and realistic. Journey is very imaginative and idealistic. Hence, they clash. The funny thing is, Ryan gets it from me, and Journey gets it from Don. (Sort of. I'm the imaginative one, so she gets that part from me, but her unwavering belief in her ideas and assurance that it will happen one day is what drives Ryan nuts, and that's the part she gets from Don.) Don and I have found a way to temper this with each other. In the last 15 years, he has shown me that there's nothing wrong in having dreams and thinking about achieving them. In the last 15 years, I've shown him that sometimes things don't always work out the way you hope, but sometimes that's a good thing. He fills the hope balloons for me (which I very rarely carry around), and sometimes I have to pop a few of the massive amounts of hope balloons he has, to kind of temper him down and bring him more towards reality. We have learned to work harmoniously through this. Yes, sometimes I drive him crazy, and yes, sometimes he drives me crazy, but we know that in the end, we're just trying to help each other. The kids, however, are still really new to this. To Journey, this hope that she has inside her, with her wild imagination, is what gets her through the day. When days are hard for her (and many times they are), the things that get her through are her ideas of becoming cat class president, or building a cat wars star ship, talking to her imaginary Eevee, or her other Pokemon, like Blake and Linda, her Meowstics (more Pokemon). It makes her happy, makes her smile, and gets her through the day, even when it's been a terribly shitty one. I commend her for this, and in this way, I am superbly grateful that she has the imagination and the hopefulness that she does. Ryan, however doesn't really understand this, and all he sees is the front of it, the pie in the sky expectations and ideas, and he doesn't understand how someone can think silly things like this would be a reality. There's no logical sense to it. In this case, he's not thinking with empathy or emotions, he's only thinking with logic and reason. So, as we sat, Ryan began to explain to me how it drives him crazy that she does this, and he feels like such a jerk when he shoots her down, but he doesn't understand, and it bothers him, so he just blurts out what he's saying. He came to me for suggestions and tips on how to curb this, how to stop stomping on her dreams, and not let it bother him so much. We sat and discussed it for awhile, and I gave him a few coping mechanisms to try to see if it would help. He was very upset with himself for feeling this way, and was beating himself up pretty hard. I did what I could to console him, helped him wade through his feelings and emotions so we could find a way to feel better. And then it hit me. Ryan is very emotionally mature. I was absolutely blown away by this. I mean, he still has a way to go, especially towards thinking with empathy, but I mean, how many 13 year olds do you know that would ask for assistance on an emotional problem that they're having and try to find productive ways to alter their mistakes and behaviors? Middle schoolers are jerks. They don't care about anyone else, they only care about themselves, and they will do whatever they can to make themselves feel better. I'm not saying they're horrible people (okay, sometimes they ARE, but...) this is par for the course with this age and stage for kids. It's like toddlerhood version 2.0; they revert back to being jerky little toddlers who only care and think about themselves. This is pretty much due to hormones. Because of puberty, they're not thinking straight. I guarantee you a class of kindergartners are way more empathetic towards their fellow student than a class of 7th graders are. This stage is full of hard transitions; everything is growing and changing, mentally, physically, emotionally. It's not an easy time for these kids (which is really why I think that out of all the amazing superhero teachers out there [teachers are the most amazing people! They deserve all the credit in the world!], middle school teachers really are the unsung heroes of the teaching profession world. Elementary teachers have it kind of easy. High school teachers, some of them actually become very chummy with their students. Middle schoolers hate EVERYTHING, including themselves. Trying to rope in a class of middle schoolers to do anything deserves a medal, immediately.), so they say and do stupid things to try and cope. They have enormous pride streaks also, and are fearful to admit that they're wrong. Ryan not only admitted he wasn't doing his sister any favors, but also asked my help to find a way to make it a little better and a little smoother. This is high school level thinking. I have never in my life seen a 13 year old display this kind of awareness and humility. Hell, even I didn't display this kind of awareness and humility until I was in my 20's! I started laughing after Ryan and I talked it out, and he asked what I was laughing about, so I explained to him how advanced he is. He immediately told me he no longer thinks he's advanced, but when I explained this to him, I told him how yes, this is advanced thinking. He actually couldn't help but grin. I was glad I could help make him feel better about himself as well. I have also decided to stop telling Journey that when she does something or says something or thinks something the way that I do, that she's just like me. I'm extremely frightened that this will cause her to resent me, and she will hate being like me. I know she wants to be an individual and feel special to just be her, so I'm going to continue that route. I worry every day that puberty is going to bring the chain back around again, and I would really rather not re-live that. Not to say that I will wither my position to make her feel better-you know me, I'm a follow the rules kind of girl, and stern is my middle name-but at the same time, I'm not going to bring up all the time how she's so much like me (even though she TOTALLY is. I swear I have successfully cloned myself.), and make her feel like I'm choking her self-identity. I guess, I was just so amazed to finally meet someone who thought, acted and felt the way I do so much, that I just had to marvel at it. I will keep it to myself though. |
| So, there hasn't been anything that's really eventful that's happened, but in the emotions and feelings department for me, it's been pretty intense. I've been kinda stressed about things with Girl Scouts (which is basically what I've thrown myself into the last 5 years since I can't seem to get a job), and it's really eating at me. I decided to drop being a co-organizer because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I feel like an utter failure because of having to bail, but, I overstepped my limit, and in order not to shut down and close off EVERYTHING, I had to drop it. I've been assured that I did the right thing for me, and things will be okay, but no one is a harder critic to me than myself. I also implemented some behavior policies that I'd like for my girls to try out...and I feel like I'm getting a little backlash from two of them. I *think* I know what the problem is, and I'd like to talk to them about it, both separately. The part that sucks is, I won't get a chance until the 21st. We were supposed to have a meeting this Friday, but the school is holding a fall carnival (they do every year), so the school won't be able to accommodate a meeting that night, and I'm pretty sure all the girls want to go to their very last fall carnival. I'm waiting and trying so hard to be patient about talking to these two girls, and I feel like if I don't do it soon, something's going to happen where they want to stop coming, and I don't want that to happen. It stresses me out to no end. I know that I should just live and let live-if people don't want to be a certain way, then I should just say "that's your decision", and if they leave, they leave, I know. I know I know I know, I should do this. I was cool with this happening at the end of last year. I don't know why I'm taking it so hard this year now. My anxiety has been off the charts these last few days, and I swear I felt like I was going into a depressive episode, but I think it was just a shut down day in order to save myself. I hate being a roller coaster of emotions sometimes. It's a real pain in the ass, and very exhausting. Sometimes I think I'm more trouble than I'm worth. Anyway... We had a parent teacher conference yesterday for Journey, and I heard nothing but good things. I went basically to talk to the teacher about being open to communication (she hasn't really messaged me about anything yet, so I'm left to assume that things are going swimmingly...her 2nd teacher on the other hand messages me about nearly EVERYTHING. He's the mecca of communicating teachers-I don't think we've had one like this since her kindergarten teacher or pre-k teacher), and also about things like recovery from tests. Journey and tests just do not work. I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses for her, but seriously, tests just send her anxiety sky rocketing, and she gets so stressed out she can't focus. She does poorly on some tests mostly for this fact. I'm torn between feeling like I'm asking them to coddle her and feeling like they're only setting her up for failure, because this isn't helping her learn anything. It's a fine line to walk, especially with an IEP in place. We should be getting an IEP meeting date coming up soon-usually we do her annual in November. I think I'll talk to them about more test accommodations, and see what we can do. She already gets extra time and she can leave to test by herself. Trust me, these two things are extremely helpful-but they don't always do it. They do for county assessments and state assessments, but I haven't really heard if they do this for things like just a regular math or science test. I suppose I could ask Journ herself, but I can't guarantee I'll get a straight answer. I think sometimes I confuse her more when I ask these kinds of questions than if I just directly ask a teacher. She is such a wealth of information though! Oh goodness, when I think back to where she was 6 years ago, she's like a totally different girl. She amazes me every day. I think I'm annoying her though by commenting about how many times she says, does, thinks like me. I don't know if she considers that a good thing or not. I think truly, she just wants to be herself, and no one else. I don't blame her for that in the least bit. I don't mean to put that kind of undue pressure on her or make it seem like her life is already cut out for her, because it's not. I guess I just can't help it when she says or does something so like me, that I just blurt out "Oh my god, I said/did/think that too!" I will try to cool it with the similarities though. I don't want her ending up resenting me. Now that both the kids are going through puberty, there is so much sass and aggression. They've started bickering, which they've pretty much NEVER done before until now. I knew it was only a matter of time, and so far, there's just been some sandpaper moments, nothing that has lit a real fire, but they definitely get on each other's nerves. They're not entirely empathetic or open to listening to someone else's ideas just yet (yeah, they're my kids. Stubborn as the day is long), but with little nudges here and there from me, they're getting there. Gahhhh, tweens and teens are so hard. I don't remember toddlerhood being this difficult. Perhaps I've been romanticizing it because of how long ago it was, and the edges are all soft and fuzzy, and maybe it's also because they were so much smaller and cuter, so they were easier to forgive. I dunno. But sometimes...sometimes I want to lock myself in a room and just hide. I love them, but helpful suggestions sometimes just seem to get snarky "I know!"s and eye rolls. Trust me, I love my kids at every stage, since they were newborns, and I'll never stop loving or enjoying them. There will be days though when I just don't want to deal with them. For the most part though, my kids are fantastic. I just wish they'd listen more. It's like, once they hit 11, your voice no longer registers with them. They've successfully tuned you out. Aggravating. |
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