%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Well, not so much fun and leisure as...get some damn writing done, you fool! |
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A while ago, I attended a writers' workshop and the lady who hosted it told us all to go away with this bit of advice - to write for just ten minutes a day. I was determined to go ahead with it and I did...for two days. So today I remembered that I'd resolved to do so and I whipped out my journal and wrote for fifteen minutes. I'm typing out pretty much the same thing that I wrote earlier, with some differences. I find I can go a lot more in-depth when I'm typing than when I'm writing by hand. Writing by hand is such a chore! I've struggled with loneliness a lot throughout my twenty-nine years. I struggled with it when I was the only one home with my mum when I was a teen and everybody else had other places to be. I struggled with it after marriage and when we moved into our own house for the first time. I struggled with it after my son was born and I felt torn between pursuing my writing and being a good mum, because my culture seems to indicate that a woman has absolutely no chance of living her own life - or at least, she has no chance of attaining any goals she hasn't already attained - once she has children. I feel it occasionally still, even though I get so little time to myself nowadays that any alone time is simply awesome. I've tried to come to terms with the idea that being alone isn't a bad thing - and a lot of the time, it isn't. My friends don't live nearby so I don't get to see them often, and even when I do, I feel like there isn't much depth to our conversations. I'm surrounded by people who do not think like me, who do not share any of my interests and hobbies. I feel like I've become desensitised to isolation. Loneliness is my preferred way to be. I walked into my college cafeteria at lunch today and it was the usual hubbub of activity. Youngsters walking around, chatting animatedly, shouting across the room, laughing, eating, socialising. I could recall how that clamour wouldn't have bothered me ten-twelve years ago, when I would have been one of the youngsters talking excitedly with her friends. But, as this moment, I just found an out-of-the-way little table and sat down. I watched the crowds for a while, wondering why it was only at moments like these that the sense of isolation became so strong. In the middle of a crowd, I feel most alone. |
| 21:09 The day I had the interview for my counselling placement, I came back from my mum's without my son in tow. He didn't want to come home. It's so much better, so much livelier over there than it is in our two-person (and one pet) home. I don't know why it bothered me so much - usually, it doesn't! I love having the house to myself! But that day, I felt so much more lonely that I usually do at these kinds of moments. I suppose it had a little something to do with my negative thoughts about the placement, my friends not able to come over to mine even though I've met with one of them so many times over the holidays (which is so rare!), but then when I'm in that mindset, the catalyst isn't always clear. When I feel down, all the bad thoughts come to the fore and each thought makes me feel worse. So this time, my son didn't want to come home and I left in a huff because I hate having to deal with him when he gets all whiny and starts crying about wanting to stay, I hate having to burden my parents with him especially since my mum looked after him all afternoon while I went to the interview and then to my friend's house, I hated that my mum gave into his whining when I would have dragged him out of there kicking and screaming if I had to (I usually have to), I hated that I came home to an empty house, I hated that my husband should have been back from Pakistan that day but due to unforeseen circumstances he had to extend his stay, I hated that the friend I went to see is only ever able to hang out like once a year and although we are going to hit 30 next years she is still very much the product of our strict culture...I hated a lot of things. I cried myself to sleep that night. I don't know why. I just felt really empty. Maybe it was the very fact that I got to spend so much time with my friends? Because I don't usually, and I had a great two days when my best friend came to stay over with her kids last week, not being able to spend as much time together and then going back to an empty house was depressing. Who knows? I was trying to get to the bottom of it while I was crying my eyes out but I couldn't figure it out. Let's just say it was an amalgamation of all the things listed above and be done with it. Anyway, why am I talking about the day I had my interview, you ask? Because I got the placement! It's been a year and I finally got a placement! It starts around the time my course finishes so there's no way I'll get my required 100 hours of therapy in time, which means I have to find another place so I can make the hours add up...more headaches, yay! -_- But I got the place! It's the first time I ever did a good interview and left enough of an impression to get the job...even if it's not really a job. But I got it! Yay! 21:27 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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