I don't have a place where I can really just let my thoughts out. They tend to just stay bottled up and away until I forget about them entirely. So I've decided to put them here: thoughts, frustrations, vents, anything. I'm not really sure if this sort of thing is normal here - I honestly don't know much at all about this site despite having posted here before. I understand the resources to learn are blatantly available, and one day I will be hit with the right amount of motivation and resolve which, assuming that I have a way to access this site the moment that happens, will allow me to spend some hours learning everything I need to. But until that day I'm just going to assume this is normal enough to at least go unnoticed.
I know I'm bad at social interactions and, in the uncommon scenarios where friends are made, I'm terrible at maintaining said friendships. I've accepted this and it is what it is, but right now it really, really sucks. I'm graduating today and everyone's running around getting their yearbooks signed and everything - and of course I have signatures and they're all very nice, but I've seen people writing these long personalized messages and crying when saying goodbye to their friends, and I've never wished I had that with someone more than this moment.
I actually packed and ate lunch at school today. Granted, it was because I had an AP test, but I feel like that's still progress. I think I'm going to take it as a win, even though I'm not sure how I feel about it.
My mom found out about my more self-destructive habits during a doctors visit sometime last week. Apparently I'm meant to go see a therapist, but while I've desperately wishing for one since like 2019, I doubt it will actually happen. It's no one's fault in particular. Therapy is expensive, my mom's schedule is about as reliable as her employees, and my dad doesn't know - and doesn't get involved in this type of thing anyways.
It's a nice thought though: therapy. Maybe one day.
I really don't like how little say I have when it comes to what I wear/what people see of my body. My heart can't heart so I need sonograms requiring the doctor to see from my waist up. Anything remotely water related creates the expectation of a swimsuit and if I try to justify not wearing one then everyone makes a deal out of it. And I know it's a me problem, it's not their fault I don't like my body. (or that I have self-harm wounds/scars I would like to hide, thank you very much) But the fact that, at any time, one of the adults in my life can just say "you're going to wear this" and I can't argue without it becoming a {thing/i} is such a big source of anxiety for me at this point. I nearly had a panic attack just moving some of my moms shirts from my room that were left there a few weeks ago when she wanted me to "model" them. I'm a fucking adult now, technically, so why am I still struggling so much with this? It's frustrating. I really want to get out of here.
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