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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
| You know I can't get much else happening in my head tonight. Nothing of interest anyway. My mind is too focused on me aspects and what i'm doing in my own little world. It's a pretty selfish mindset I suppose, but then again even everything I'm doing isn't entirely for me. I'm really loving working with Forge on this book and I'm so very pleased with how well it's coming along. Writing each entry boosts my confidence in my writing. I'm very pleased with how my entries come out and I've written four entries now, about 3000 words I suppose. There are many more to write but I'm proud of all I've accomplished so far. It's giving me courage to consider writing other things. I've also worked on the PPP today and realise I need to put more focus into getting the other PPP projects off the ground. It's obvious some members are eagerly awaiting the launch of these features. I'm sorry for putting them off so regularly everyone. The group itself is doing beautifully and I'm looking forward to it's continued growth. I had a great deal of fun this morning at my daughters end of school Christmas assembly. It was so delightful watching all the children and singing along to the carols. My girl was the perfect dancing dingo for 'The Australian 12 Days of Christmas' and I was so pleased I'd gone to the effort of getting her an outfit that really suited the part. She had a great day, enjoying junk food for lunch in the little class room party and she even saw Santa. Alas he was too busy to talk to her so it's a good thing she's sent him a letter already.  Christmas is a true delight as a child. I remember the expectation and wonderment of the holiday. I remember pillowcase-like sacks that went on the end of our bed on Christmas Eve. I can't remember how many years we used them but they were faded and worn so I suspect they must have seen a few Christmases. I'm starting to really think about christmas now. I'll be going shopping on Friday and can hopefully provide for all the gifts I'll need to give. I've not started planning what to get yet although I know I definately should start thinking about that. I know there are a few things I want but they're generally out of the usual gift giving price range. I've mentioned one to significant ears so perhaps they'll plan to combine their gifts to get me it together. :) If now I'll just have to buy it for myself after Christmas. It's hard deciding what to give my children for Christmas. I realise how blessed I am that there is nothing they 'need' that they don't have. Everything I consider giving them seems a waste because they have so much already. They have more than enough clothes, bags, books, and toys. They have a swing set and a trampoline. I'm not prepared to get a pool put in at this point but there are plans for a pond after I've done the fencing which the kids will love. Ohh I have a great idea for my daughter, a garden perhaps. I could dig in a section of the back yard and gift it to her with things like sticks and seeds and mulch and a watering can. I think she'd really love something like that. It could work to benefit the household too if we grew things like strawberries, tomato and lettuce in there. I could include a childrens vegetable gardening book too and we could read and learn about it all together. Ok then, so what should I give my son? He's harder to buy for because he's so young he's interested in everything. Of course he has plenty of cars, trains, blocks, and books. For some strange reason I'm picturing a tent over his bed. You know like a mosquito tent only dark cloth that you can see through. It wraps around his bed cocooning him like a secret hiding place. I'm not sure how I'd accomplish that. In my mind it's hanging from the roof on a big hook. Something to consider I suppose since he has a lot of fun with cubby houses. The other option that comes to mind involves airplanes. When he's older I'm thinking I could encourage an interest in building model planes. He loves planes and helicopters in the sky. *sighs* All this gift thinking about is making my brain hurt. lol I haven't even started on my mother and sisters yet. I also have to remember to finish the gift box for my exhusband and make sure it gets in the male or it won't reach him in time for Christmas. The kids have gathered a bunch of things already, paper, pictures etc. mostly and I'll make sure they add a few gifts. But that's my concern for Friday. Right now it's minutes until midnight so my concern turns to getting some sleep. Tomorrow is Thursday, no plans as yet other than writing another section for Flight of Torque and my blog entry. I might put Tennyson on my list. Three projects to ensure get done at some point tomorrow just as I accomplished the three tasks as well as r/t today. |
| Darn, *pouts* I forgot to get my entry done yesterday. I was intensely involved in the chatting with Forge last night relating to the book we're working on together. It's going great and I'm really excited about it but as usual struggle each time to begin my section. Last night I again put it off till the last minute and by the time we wrapped up the night was growing late. I decided I could leave blogging until the morning. Only I didn't remember to come back and blog before noon today. Or I did remember but put it off thinking I'd have more time later. But of course there is never more time with as much as I cram into a day. It would be nice if I could set the date for this one as yesterday and write two entries today to fill in the blanks but i guess it doesn't work like that. It's not really a big deal but I feel like I've really accomplished something when I know I've blogged every day so having put it off yesterday feels like a failure. Anyway, that asside I've had a good day. Had great luck at the costume rental place finding my daughter a dingo outfit. It's actually a brown lion outfit but without the hood it works well as a dingo. She'll have a dingo mask and her fluffy brown boots to complete it tomorrow and I think she'll look fantastic. Tomorrow is full on with the final farewell school assembly and then the party afterward. I'm not sure how long I'll stay but I'm looking forward to sharing in the fun.This evening however I have a lot of work to get done. I have to focus on writing my latest segment of The Flight of Torque so that Forge has something to work with himself. I also need to make sure I get the Tools of Poetry lesson done and that Workshop moving along. There wasn't very much participation and I'd like to get a newsletter out to the members so after I get this blog and then Torque done I'll focus on Persevering Poets. It feels wonderful to be really writing again. To be writing other than poetry or chat. I read over my entries and remember why I write and how much I've learnt and come along as a writer. I really love language and being able to bring this story out of our creativity and onto the page where others can share in the wonder and beauty of this story. There really is a deep core to this one but the casement of the meaning and truth is rich and intriguing. This sort of writing, and my love of language, is what inspires me as a writer. I want to share truth with the world. To bring light and understanding into other peoples lives while they enjoy and relax in the weave of words and the lives of very special characters. Writing The Flight of Torque is certainly a challenge however, it's daunting to think of in the greater scheme of things so I try to make my focus smaller. Forge and I joke about movie deals. And are perhaps too serious about sequels. But when he asked me how many entries this would take I think we both felt a little deflated doing the math. I don't want to know how much work is ahead of us. I'm inspired by the story, I reenergise every time we talk about it and build on what we already have. For now I'm focusing on the next entry, and I'll worry about the one after that when we get to it. |
| Yeah well that about sums up one of those ultimate truths doesn't it? I want to say bastards too but since my parents never married it would be an insult to me to put them in the same category. But really, they're selfish and retarded and overall generally just blind to the needs of the people they are supposed to be the voice of. Ok, so you're all wondering what Rebecca's on her high horse about now huh? *chuckles* Well I'm just peeved. Because I want to write tonight. I'm not going to bed until I've written the first segment of the story Forge and I are collaborating on. BUT... My kids aren't sleeping. Want to know why? Because of stupid, moron politicians. For years Western Australia has had referrendums asking the people if we should instigate daylight savings. For years it's been a fairly solid "NO" Yet the arguements keep coming up for DLS and this year the politicians decided to have a yap in house about it. After a few days debate they decided to say, "Stuff what the public want, we'll make more money if we can do DLS like the rest of the country do." Seriously, it's rediculous. Don't they realise that DLS is an outdated custom originating to the days when industry depended on making the most of daylight hours. People would wake up in the morning when the sun rose and wind down in the evening when it set. So business ran to the sun, it made sense to change general business hours in the summer months to counter for the long sunlight hours. But PEOPLE!!! We've had ELECTRICITY for years now. We no longer function on sunlight because we have artificial sun 24/7. We no longer wake up with the sun we wake up with an alarm clock. We function by the time on the dials instead of the stars in the sky. Daylight Savings no longer makes any sense at all. In fact it makes less sense then ever. Anyway, tonight I'm particularly peeved because as of 2AM/3AM this morning we wound our clocks forward. So all day today the kids have been rocked out of our routine. They aren't hungry at noon because when it's noon it's actually 11AM. They aren't tired at 7PM because at 7PM it's really 6PM and that's when they usually have their dinner and baths. Tomorrow morning however my oldest will start school at 8:50 same as usual, but it won't be 8:50, it'll be 7:50 which is about when she normally wakes up. Seriously, who thought this stupid idea up? Their routine is out of wack so they can't sleep anyway, AND they have to get up and hour earlier than usual. The strangest part is that they go to bed an hour earlier in DSL but the sun doesn't. Really, it's 7PM and bedtime but the sun still has another few hours in it. They don't understand why they have to sleep while the sun is still bright in the sky blinding on their bedroom windows. Try telling a six and two year old that retard politicians decided we could all pretend time takes a leap for a few months. The craziest thing is in three months just when our bodies are getting used to the new hours, they tell us "Oh, it's over now, set your clocks back to normal." And the routines are all messed up all over again. Kids have been in school a month and then we rock their boat again. My kids don't take to having their boat rocked. They're sensitive to change. They've been through enough with the rocks life's thrown in their path already. So, overprotective mother vibe going on leads me to be seriously upset and annoyed at this pathetic stunt. I understand the arguements FOR DLS but you know what? If NO ONE did DLS they wouldn't exist. Come on have you not noticed that people? Businesses want to be in par with the rest of the country who wind their clocks forward, they feel like interstate business loses an hour but if the other states stopped the antiquated tradition it would be a non-issue. The crazy thing about it is that they come in with this saying they're "trialing" DLS. As if, once they put it in place even for a trial that's it, it'll go on and on for years. No matter how much people protest it won't put it back to normal. Politicians overrule what their citizens really want. They decide what's best for us as if we can't decide for ourselves. This is why I'm an anarchist. Because people aren't stupid as a general rule. We put our hands on a hot stove and get burned but the majority don't then put their hand back again on the stove. I honestly believe that if as a majority we could decide for ourselves how best to take care of our needs the entire country, indeed the entire world would be better off. *sighs* Yeah, I'm peeved. In rant mode. And my 2yo is still wide awake on my lap and I'm getting nothing written. Tomorrow I'll be getting up at 7AM like normal, except it's really 6AM *groans* I wish I could just ignore the clock for 3 months until all this is over. But unfortunately it's not so easy. The school expects her on time, shopping centers open and close on the clock, TV schedules go by that there ticker, doctors appointments and friends and dentists and all manner of appointments are all going to based on DLS now. So I'll ride it out and hopefully my kids will get used to the NEW routine and not be up all hours of the night for the next ten years. *sighs* |
| One of my favorite joys over December and the coming holiday is light. Christmas and the various holidays celebrated this time of year depending on your religious choice seems to be abundant in light. Be it candles or tree lights, gardens arrayed in lights, houses brilliantly glowing, or the scattering of the stars in the sky seeming brighter in the clear summer sky. So many traditions abound that it's strange to realise that in most of them this holiday season has come to associate gift giving more highly as commercialism takes a grip on society. It's easy to forget the various reasons the holidays came into existence to begin with. Especially since these alter depending on the religion and it's specific beliefs. Christmas to me has to do with family and life. Coming together in love and harmony to share our joy of life and of the year past. Gifts to brighten the lives of my children and share with them the abundance of having so much. We also give a lot to charity at this time of year. I gather up many of their older toys and we discuss why we give away our abundance and they understand that some people aren't as lucky as we are to be able to have so much. But the light is where I feel the joy I had as a child. One of my greatest season's joy is to wander the streets at sunset and see the light. To notice how at this time of year it doesn't get truely dark. As Christmas approaches more and more houses sparkle be it outside or in. Some of the displays are incredible. The time and effort that go into putting up that display each year, of growing the collection of lights and the various focuses from reindeer to snowmen, santa, stars, nativity scenes, gifts, candy canes and trees. Everyone's idea of Christmas come together in their light displays. This year I'm looking forward to putting up my own lights. I've wanted to do this time and again but just beginning the light collection is expensive let alone thinking of the electricity bill. Last year I bought lights but didn't have the opportunity to string them before the holiday had come and gone but it's one of my priorities over the coming week or two. It's only a small collection of lights, but it's something I'll expand on each year until my own home sparkles with the light of stars on Earth. Bringing light to the world after months of Winter. Bringing light and joy to the hearts of people who face this season sad and alone. Bringing light, and peace, and love back to the community and the people who have forgotten that there is more to the holiday season then shopping and gift giving. Giving a smile, and light, is more important. |
| I was talking recently with a friend about affirmations and she was telling me about the power they can have in your subconscious on your life. I'm not so sure myself but the idea seems sound enough and it's an easy thing to try with no side effects assuming you phrase the affirmations correctly. I figured I'd give it a shot. Of course the hard part was coming up with the affirmations I wanted to use. Over the past couple of weeks I've been writing affirmations whent he mood struck. The kind of affirmations I'd like to strengthen my ideals and encourage me in my life's goals. There are so many areas in life to focus on and I rounded the affirmations to a full 100 that hopefully covers pretty much everything. Now comes the task of typing up and then voice recording all of those affirmations and burning them onto a DVD that I can play to myself when I sleep. I'm not so sure I'll enjoy that part. Hearing my own voice and speaking clearly isn't exactly fun. I do however occasionally record myself. I practice singing and sometimes I record myself because it's easier to know where I'm going wrong if I can hear it back to myself after. I don't hate my voice but it is strange to hear how different I sound then what I think I sound like when I'm talking. The 100 Affirmations of Self point to so many areas in life. Career, writing, teaching, family, home, heart, travel, body, mind, spirit, etc. Everyone would have their own categories too. Like some might have considered religion an important group to factor some affirmations into. I'm hoping I've covered everything but then with 100 affirmations I think they're a good start. lol No idea if it'll do anything to listen to these but it can't hurt can it. Perhaps it'll strengthen my resolve and help keep my mind focused on what I really want. |
| *grimaces* Placeholder I'll be back  *** Told ya I'd be back. And not even Forge's smartass comment would entice me to leave this entry as it was since I said I'd be here. lolOn Wednesday I had a sick six year old to take care of. She was very crook so I kept her home from school and she rested most of the day. Slept early and by next morning was completely fine. Last night I was up all hours with a sick two year old. Same illness but he was sick all day today too. He had a good long nap during the day which is unlike him but I'm hopeful that he'll be fine tomorrow. I can't believe how helpless I feel when either of my kids are sick. Especially when it's something unexplainable but passing and mild like this past illness was. 24 hour stomach bug. It rocks their world for the day but is all forgotten the next day. Even so there is little I can do, their stomach revolts against everything, even water and children's pain medicine. The good news is they're not hungry so there is less mess to clean up when the little they do eat comes back up within minutes. They get tired so I'm not having to chase them around trying to get them to rest. And they get clingy which works out fine when I'm able to settle in and just hold them all day long. I remembered the early days with my kids when I was holding my youngest today. He was warm in my arms. Sleeping peacefully but definately not well. It brought to mind the times I'd held him and his sister before him when they were babies. Of course looking at him now my heart aches a little because although I still call him baby boy he really isn't a baby any more. The good news is after rest and some TLC he's looking much better. Tomorrow he'll be fine; both will be back to their normal bouncy selves. Of course, chances are in a day or two I'll be crook with whatever they had. *chuckles* Oh the irony.  |
| QUICK POST!!! I'm cheating. Got to post before the half hour is up so placing a place holder and will fill it in too. But if I don't post it first the hour will have crossed over and it'll be tomorrow. **** Ok, see, now I have another blue day and can feel happy instead of letting myself down with a black blemish to further desimate my calender. Now on to the real topic. **** I was discussing with a few friends today the various aspects of writing good erotica or simply great love scenes. There seem to be quite a few schools of thought on the matter. To tell the truth there are so many ways to portray sex and it's various derivatives that you really don't have to write a full love scene to get the same message across. Some of the most effective scenes involved a fade to black rather than details. Others give minute detail, fleeting glimpses of love making but nothing explicit. It's in scenes like this you can subtly introduce a great deal of character developement and realization. Sure you don't need to have these sorts of scenes in your story to do that but they can be effective when added to the right kind of story. So many aspects of your characters come to the fore when dealing with the emotional and physical aspects of coupling. There are many elements too and sometimes the where and how are huge factors for the pace and realism of a great story. I've found the best way to write a love scene is to be in the moment. Like writing a touching death, grief, fear, action, etc. scene it comes easier if you let yourself feel these emotions but don't become overwhelmed by them as you write. Reflect on what you know, your own history. I doubt someone who's never made love before could write a love scene that would come across with the right depth of emotion and integrity. If you've read and watched enough you might be able to simulate but odds are you won't quite hit the right note. If find this equally true with poetry. Finding the right language and emotional intensity for any topic is aided by allowing yourself to get emotional involved in your subject. I think it would be interesting as writers to challenge ourselves to write outside of our normal genre. Erotica and romance are two categories that give us an opportunity to test our ability to bring emotion, and physicality together. Love scenes in particular focus a great deal on the anatomy of the human (or animal) body and how external influences can affect internal thoughts and feelings. Some erotica comes off fairly smutty but it really doesn't have to be that way at all. Even with exquisite details I believe it's the connection of the characters that make the difference between a good erotica scene and porn. Of course it's a delicate topic. How much is too much? I've been meaning to try my hand at a few more love scenes and romance stories. As usual, never enough time in a day. lol |
| You know you're body is bouncing on sleep debt when you resort to writing a blog entry to stay awake. lol But it's an hour till midnight and I figure I'll wait up that long and get the 7 hours I'm getting used to. It should be 8 hours but hey, there are already too few hours in the day that odds are I'll never see 8 hours sleep in a row for a long time. Ohh actually, school holidays soon. WOOT!!! Six weeks of sleeping in. *grins wickedly* Sleep is a strange thing. Our bodies need it to rest and recharge. To restore the energy used during the brutal days and to give our tired minds, eyes, and muscles a rest. Mine is the kind of mind that doesn't do too well without enough rest and for the past week or so I've been having 4 and 5 hours a night instead of the recommended 8 or even the pushing it 7. Too little sleep is bad for me. I already know this and I have no excuse for not being strict with myself. I set the midnight curfew on myself when I'd learnt what an effect being up to all hours had on me and my moods and I'm usually pretty good about keeping it. It really does make a huge difference to get enough sleep and yet, I'm nocturnal by inclination, forced to human hours by the fact that my daughter's school expects her ten to nine each weekday. lol The strange thing about sleep and me is dreaming. Or rather the lack of it. If I dream I certainly don't remember doing so. Some would say this is a good sign that when I'm sleeping I'm on the deeper levels. Sure I've had the occassional dream but it's not the sort of thing that happens nightly. In fact when I do have a dream it's often something I should pay attention to. Sometimes it's an important aspect of a story I'm working on or something I should write in the future. There is a storm dream that recurred for weeks until I too notes knowing that it would one day become a book I worked on. I still haven't settled into working on that one but it's there, noted down and every aspect brilliant recall in my mind when I ask for it. It's strange how that works. Dreams can be fleeting and forgotten when you rise to consciousness but if you note them down while they're fresh and you're in the dream between waking and sleeping it imprints them on the conscious mind as well as the subconscious. Sometimes I wish I would dream more frequently. Dreams can be insightful and it might be interesting to have my mind entertained while I sleep. Then again I suspect I give it such a workout doing the million and one things I do each day that it faints into exhaustion when I hit the sheets. lol Sometimes, like now, it's already passed out long before I sleep and my body, my fingers are left to wander about astranged from it. Alas the land of nod is calling and calling and I'm trying to ignore it just a while longer. Floating in that absent space where I'm not really quite awake and I'm definately not sleeping because I'm here and I'm typing. Sure, not making a whole lot of sense but I don't know anyone who can sleeptype. lol *ponders* Now wouldn't that be something? OMG I wish I could sleep-novel-write. *grins* Talk about lazy or what? lol Wouldn't it be fantastic to go to sleep one night and wake up with a few thousand words in the morning? It would be even better if those words make sense. *sighs* I know, wishful half-asleep dreams. lol No one said I had to be lucid at 40 minutes to midnight after quite a few days of 4 hours sleep. You know I was feeling out of it yesterday, down and depressed like I was this morning too and went to bed earlier hoping to catch up on that sleep. It didn't work, I lay there tossing and turning, worrying, and completely in my own head about everything. Eventually I pulled a book to my fingers and lost myself into other peoples lives. I suspect an alternative might be to start thinking about losing myself in Emily and Jake's lives. I'm certainly struggling enough trying to give Jake some substance. Emily less so, she's realistic to me. I guess I have trouble believing in Jake. Too disallusioned to believe something sweet and kind and loving is out there still. Especially the right someone who can be patient and understanding for Emily. I'm probably too close to Emily to be objective enough on the matter but then I couldn't write her well if I didn't adore her so much. What is the point of creating a happy ending for someone you don't much like? Those characters are the ones you give unhappy endings too. *chuckles* Of course now I'm in an Emily and Jake tangent. Perhaps I should wrap this and see if I can churn out some freewriting about them in the half hour I have before midnight since there doesn't seem much else to be doing. *grimaces* Ok, just the idea of that turned me completely off. Barriers go up. What is with this anxiety I have about my book? It seriously can't be as bad as my churning emotions tell me. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, it's all the same debiliting BS that keeps me frozen in time. *sighs and takes a deep breath then sighs again* |
| Ever wake up, see what the world is like today then want to go back to sleep instead? I know I've faced a lot of days like that. I let my highs take me too high, do things that are completely out of my normal comfort zone, become the sort of person I'd be with none of the inhibitions of experience and decorum, and then within days I'm thrust into the reality. Facing reality is harsh, it brings on hermit and defensive mode and I realise that I don't much like the person I am. If I don't like me then I have no right to subject myself on others. This world is filled with humans from all walks of life. As a writer it's interesting to observe human nature. I'm an observer, standing outside the window looking in at the world and wishing I could take part. But I can't, because I'm on the outside of this window and reality is on the inside. When I'm high I feel like I'm on the inside but then when I come out of that high I realise I'm not inside, I'm still outside, being the clown and drawing the attention of the diners but not really a part of them. Being online is like being able to stand behind the glass and not see or feel it there. Somewhere deep inside you know it's there, you know your not actually with these other people, you know it's just a fantasy where you share your minds but are still, distant, untouched. It's easy to forget that reality surfaces, the glass slams into place when you get too close to it. I've had a lot of online friends. When I'm in my highs or even standing on a shaky edge of balance I can be a pretty nice person. I face the world, online and off, with rose colored glasses believing that ultimately it is good, and kind. But every person brings their own damages into reality. We each have our own quirks, and slants, and ideas. The variety makes for spice in life, as the quote goes, but it also seperates what goes on in the mind, what we want, and what is really there. Facing reality drives home the differences in the way we think and the way we feel. We can stand shoulder to shoulder facing the same situation and generally our reactions would be poles apart. There are a lot of great people in the world, most of them are wonderful in parts. I've come to discover all of us aren't in other parts too. When I wake up on a morning, see the world for what it is, and wish I could go back to sleep instead, I know I'm not going to be a very nice person that day. That's the day when my normal optimism is gone, when I can't find my rose-colored glasses, when I can feel the glass under my fingers that separates me from the rest of the world. *goes to listen to Simon & Garfunkel "I am a Rock"* |
| Isn't it strange how life, love and family is highlighted in December as we swiftly approach the holidays and the death of a year. Refections on the past year bring a wry smile and a deep seated sadness at all the opportunities lost, and experiences missed. It's not even December yet and people are feeling the strain of the holiday season. What is it about celebrations? In long years past they were happy, joyfilled occasions. I remember family gatherings, presents, smiles and a lot of love. I remember being excited this time of year. The stores were arrayed in so many toys and clothes and any material thing you might desire or gift. People moved, one of my favorite things is to be surrounded by seas of people, they don't notice me but they're moving with a vibrant energy like blood pulsing through the veins of civilysation. Now I'm older I notice that there were many elements of humanity and it's approach to the holidays that I didn't notice as a child. That same crowd of people give off a disconcerting air of worry, haste, impatience, and frustration. They aren't filled with a joy for life. They aren't excited about the days to come and the opportunity to start fresh in the new year. I notice now that I'm the one buying the gifts instead of recieving them that toy prices tend to triple from about September through to mid-January. I've decided this is purely tactical on behalf of the stores. For starters, shoppers are frantic and impatient so they are less likely to consider carefully the value of their purchases. They know people feel obliged to give so they know that just because you could have bought it in June for $20 doesn't mean you won't now pay $60. They also know that they're lining up the New Year sales. Yeah 50% off they say so you get that thing that cost $20 in June for $30 now. *sighs* I guess that's a jaded outlook and with two young children I try to remember my youthful exhuberance and get down to their level to see the excitement and joy. I try to remember the fun that goes into putting up Christmas decorations and the wonder of the lights and shiny tinsel. It's so easy however to reflect on the clean up to come and the difficulty of stringing those lights and tinsel. Still, despite my aged years *chuckles* I tend to look forward to Christmas and the New Year with hope and perhaps expectations that I shouldn't allow myself. Invariably I'm disappointent when it doesn't prove to be the magical experience I remember from my childhood. I love the opportunity to gather with my family but even that has shrunk over the years to a few special people instead of the vibrant crowd of extended family. Most would perhaps be glad not to face the rowdiness. The shouts and laughter, the games of pool and darts. Pinball machines, dinners of dozens of people. Kids splashing, swimming, chasing, dogs barking, hide and seek, tantrums, petty squabbles. Voices louder than normal with drink. Competativeness and memory lane rambles. *sighs* To tell the truth, I must be crazy but I truely do miss all that. Now days we face the holidays with the chaos and depression it involves. Why do we put such pressures on ourselves when this time of year should be a reflection of joy and love? It doesn't matter which holiday you celebrate, they all try to bring to the fore the importance of life and family. Perhaps we need to begin appreciating all that has been, cherishing all that we have. Give the gift of yourself, your smile, your time. Alas, just because I wish it were different doesn't make it so. That means scraping together enough money to get my family, especially my children, some great gifts. Thankfully spending time with them will bring me the joy I need to get me through the worries. While the New Year gives everyone the opportunity to put aside the past and start fresh. I believe each new moment does that. I face the next with hope, and a smile. |
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