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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| We dissected the no panties argument in counseling today. Our therapist says that we're a great couple. More on track than many married couples he works with. I sort of challenged him on this and he he kept nodding his head. Yesterday was a good session. We decided to go to counseling because we'd begun taping our arguments to try and show each other that the other is a liar or a hypocrite. These tapes actually exist. The tapes prove nothing. We're both liars and hypocrites and we already know that. We wanted/needed a third party to moderate our dialogue or more accurately our yelling matches as well as provide another perspective and if we're lucky, good advice. So I'm telling Doc my version of the story and he's nodding and shaking his head. "And how did that make you feel?" "Well I've always worn underwear and so I basically felt like he thought I was cheap. As if I'm going out trying to illicit unwanted attention." He asked me if I'd asked Dave why he asked me about my underwear in the first place. I hadn't. Only in the rhetorical sense. So he wanted me to turn to David and ask him. I did. He said upon seeing me, he saw that I had the dress on but it was just left unzipped so that he could put some Aloe on my back and he thought, wait why doesn't she have underwear on and so he asked me. And in turn I blew up. Dave says that he has a great ideal of me and that he was in no way thinking what I'd suggested. He hadn't looked at the whole situation and sort of jumped the gun, but that he understood my position. My position was -what kind of question is that? You should already know the answer. Its like me saying to him -do you have on underwear? Of course he does. That's almost insulting. Even if you see me in a dress with no undies on you should know that before I walk out that door, somewhere between now and then underwear will have arrived on the scene. But we discussed it amicably and Doc told us that we had great adult dialogue. Its all about understanding and perspective. What did you hear him say? Feel better? Great. Besides that incident we'd had a great week. He asked us where was marriage on our radar. I answered that it wasn't close. He nodded. Looked us both in the eye. "Too many couples have no tolerance for ambiguity. They rush to marriage. You guys are in a great place. I'm telling you. This is great dialogue." I liked that. No tolerance for ambiguity. I understood that. Being scared of the gray areas. We're a bit lost in the different shades of gray, but the goal is to go into marriage with a clear understanding and no guessing games. I've always been a stickler for pre-marital counseling, I don't need those kind of surprises. I've been easily disillusioned by idealism and fantasies. The all or nothing attitude. But too many times I've found that I have to turn to Dave and say, "This is what I heard you say," or "What the hell are you talking about?" I feel bad for calling Dave and asshole, so I'll alleviate that by calling myself and asshole. "I'm an asshole".....all better |
| Lately I've found myself wishing I could revive old frienships. But of course this would create issues within my trust weary relationship. sigh I had this great friend Atu (A-too) in college. We were the best of friends. We used to crack each other up. Hilarious. I used to keep him informed about my then relationship and that high drama and he kept me consistently giggling. We tried dating for the briefest of moments. I was getting out of the aforementioned relationship and well, we were just so close that we said what the hell. That didn't really work mainly because we were better as friends and the fact that we weren't really attracted to each other so much physically...I miss our conversations and the witty sarcasm that we constantly used Sarcasm has now gone bad in my current relationship and oh how I love to use it. Atu is like 6'6, thin with locs. He has an angular face with quite precise features. I'm 5'11 and I loved a male friend (finally!) that I could actually look up to. I mean I have plenty at eye level, but nothing beats looking up. For me anyway. Once I was talking to him on the phone about Derrick -one of my exes- and this was a long conversation that included lots of jokes and many loud outbursts on my part, only to be scared shitless when Derrick emerges from under my dorm bed (I had no idea he was there, he had supposedly left) about 40 minutes later (we're still on the phone and Atu is in hysterics on the other end laughing his ass off) and I'm in shock. That was definitely a big red flag, we didn't last much longer. We've lost touch. I don't know why. For some reason or other I think he got pissed at me and wouldn't tell me why. After me and him broke up (mutually) I reverted back to Derrick (I know -big mistake) ever so briefly and I've always guessed this was the reason. Who knows. I tried to ask him but he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. A mutual friend kept trying to reconnect us (he's close to Atu) and he knew we were the best of friends and was equally as baffled. I theorize that maybe he had more feelings for me than I thought, although our break-up was so friendly and full of laughter. I miss him. A lot. You don't find friends like that often. If you're out there my number hasn't changed from college...we can start right where we left off. |
| I wake up for work, always pushing it too the last minute. I'm supposed to be to work by 8:30 and I get up at 6:45. My train leaves at 7:47. I was already pushing it because I had no idea what I was going to wear. If I know what I'm going to wear that saves me at least 15 valuable minutes. That day it wasn't happening. I just couldn't visualize what to put together from the pitiful meager amount of clothes that I own. I'm working on it. The previous week I had worn a pretty dark blue linen skirt ensemble that received quite a bit of comlpliments. I had all but forgotten about this outfit until I noticed it during my search of desperation not to repeat something so soon. So I returned to this same desperate thought process and I remembered this black dress that my aunt had given me a long while ago. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to pull it off at work because - I do have an ass. I'd just come out the shower and -David likes to tell me that I'm an exhibitionist (which I'm not)- I was naked except for my towel which I let fall on the bed. I went into my reserves and grabbed the black dress, foregoing my bra and undies just to see what it looked like before applying the particulars. I looked in the mirror, turned this way and that, sat down on the toilet lid, the dress rode up my thighs -too much for work...I was still trying to figure out what to try next but I had the brilliant idea to have Dave put some Aloe on my back and shoulders (as I was peeling from our trip to the shore..how come on the east coast its a trip to the shore and back in cali its a trip to the beach?) I unzipped the dress and grabbed the Aloe and went back to the bedroom. I went to my wardrobe attempted to find something, gave up and asked Dave if he would put some Aloe on me. He came over and I handed him the Aloe with my back facing him so he could apply. Now I was in a bit of a funk but nothing major and nothing directed towards him. I just hated having so little clothes that needed serious acts of creativity that I really don't possess to put something together each day. So he pulls the back of my dress back a little -near the zipper- and I'm thinking, he's not getting any this morning. But instead of shutting his mouth and applying the damn Aloe he says, "Hold up, you're not wearing any underwear out?" His tone is seriously, fucked up and his face is all torn up -I'm getting serious attitude. For a split second I'm confused because I'd thought he'd wanted some. But suddenly I'm turned into some hoe, the kind of girl who doesn't wear underwear to work in short black dresses. I wheel away from him. PISSED! (because I still don't have an outfit to wear on top of this and I have to waste minutes dealing with this bull...) "I'm not even wearing this! I wanted to see what it looked like first and if you noticed more you'd see I'm not wearing a bra either. Have I ever not worn bra and panties or now I suddenly wear neither!" And this yelling match ensues with him making it seem like he said, "Honey, you seem to be wearing no underwear getting a little freaky aren't we." Smiling sweetly the whole time with me laughingly responding, "Yeah that's exactly what I'm doing.." And we laugh the whole thing off as the silliness that it is. But no, David was an asshole who was very serious. And I responded accordingly. I mean what the hell, in his jealous twisted mind suddenly I'm the girl who walks around with no draws on. That's the kind of person you see me as? Later...days later...I was in the shower and I thought about this (which later was glossed over, but whatever) and this thought coincided with the film 'Boomerang' and I thought, NOW if I ever wanted to be sexy FOR DAVE and we went out to a restaurant and I didn't wear undies (which has never happened)and we were playing under the table it just wouldn't work, I know that this issue would be revived, re-birthed and the whole point would be lost. His loss. |
| I've been afraid to start writing this thing the moment I created it. As soon as it became real my euphoria ended. Even now I had to start on paper and transfer it to this box. This is as far as I'd gotten but I'm willing myself to complete my first entry. I've always been afraid of putting my thoughts into actual sentences. Then it becomes real. My jumbled thoughts, all my observations and assumptions, judgements, -written down, become actual proof that they even existed. I can't take it back. That's my problem. Most of the time I need to take something back. This from a person who wants to live her life with no regrets. No what ifs, I wish...forgetaboutit. Where did I come up with THAT idea. Right now I'm not up to going back to the beginning and re-living moments in my mind. Let me just say that I've always craved love. That feeling. And yes, my parents are still together, still married (sometimes happily, a lot of times not), my childhood was fine and yet I still have stuff to bitch about. This isn't really about them anyway. It's about me. I know that sounds selfish, but as trite as it sounds I've always been trying to figure out who I am. Find the direction that I'm supposed to go in without always ending up at a fork in the road. My search for myself has always been through others. Searching their eyes and faces looking for clues as to what they thought of me. But it was a relationship I'd always fantasized about. Romance. |
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