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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| I must say, I've become slightly addicted to this site. I consider my self a liberal of sorts, I haven't really as yet defined exactly where I stand but I am by no means a conservative. Dave calls me the queen feminist and I can't help it that I feel women need to be empowered and that men need to recognize our worth and power...nonetheless its great to read the blogs on this site and the comments that are given in response. Today Arianna wrote about how she's writing her new book about living your life fearlessly and she'll be posting parts of it asking for our comments along the way. I think she's very inspiring even if you don't agree with everything she says. My continual objective is to always live fearlessly, not always easy. |
| On Friday I got the notice that I wasn't accepted into my graduate school of choice. I won't lie, it stung a little but for the most part I'm fine with it. There are many other ways for me to reach my ultimate goal and I plan to exhaust every one of them until I reach it. Plus I already had plan B in action and to be honest I'm secretly a bit happier with plan B. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself of that because I didn't get in, either way its a great way to go as well. The fact is not having more student loans piled on top of my previous student loans may very well be a blessing. Dave got an interview for his program and I'm sincerely happy for him. He's entering a clinical psychology program for his masters and PHD a five year program and it looks like they really want him. I'm glad that his dreams are finally becoming realized...it'll be tough for both of us financially and emotionally to adjust to a new schedule of school and classes for the both of us along with work and everything else it takes to sustain a relationship...I hope I can handle it. I'm tired of fear having a role in my life and my decisions. I have to push through my fears...Plan B is actually a lot scarier and in more ways harder. It forces me to get tough and not have any excuses, for not writing, not working, not pushing toward where I want to be, so honestly I think Plan B was the track I was meant to be on... |
| I went to see V this weekend and it was good. I must say that I'm a fan of Natalie Portman so I might have been inclined to like it because of her. But the screenplay was well written and there was plenty of action but not overdone. It'd be nice if the Congress or our senators would take a hard stand on some of the issues. This presidency makes a mockery of what this country stands for but no ones wants to take a hard line. |
| I'm going to see either V for Vendetta this weekend or Thank you for Smoking. Probably V for Vendetta. I like the theme of this new movie and I love Natalie Portman. Plus its always good to see shots taken at this administration which needs a lot of work. 2008 can't come quick enough, if only for a new president to take office...I woke up this morning thinking it was Saturday, obviously the weekend couldn't come quick enough...I need to leave cause clearly I have nothing to say and I'm tempted to erase this whole entry |
| Yesterday I was a little upset because my boyfriend did not call. I had spoken to him before I went to the gym and he said he was going out with co-workers to celebrate a chick named Stacy's b-day. I'm familiar with his co-workers and they're not my favorite bunch and so I decided not to go + I love going to Kwando. ANYWAY he was like I'll probably be home before you (who is he kidding?) I get home about 8 p.m. after the gym and of course he is a no show. But no big deal. Its his week to cook, but I cook, no problem + I had a taste for some catfish and spaghetti so I didn't mind cooking but 11:00 rolls around and he's not here. My beef is not the fact that he's out with friends or whatever the point is (which we've already previously discussed) is that you need to keep me in the know. Call and say I'm having a good time...whatever but I'll be home later than I first thought. That's it! Then I'm good. All night he was trying to be all snuggle cause he knew I'd be upset and I wasn't having it. But he did apologetically explain everything the next morning and I've been working on not holding grudges so I let it go. By the way he got home (so he says I was sleep by then) at a quarter to midnight.....hmph! |
| Here is the letter that Phylicia Rashad wrote to her younger self in the April issue of O Magazine, that I felt was a good message for me: Dear Phylicia, Romantic involvement distracts you and can blind you to what's really in front of you. And what is really in front of you? You are. You don't even know yourself yet. You think you know and you want to assert that you do, now that you're a certain age, but you don't. What's in front of you is a whole world of experiences beyond your imagination. Put yourself, and your growth and development first. There are long-term repercussions to what you're doing now. Everything you do, every thought you have, every word you say creates a memory that you will hold in your body. It's imprinted on you and affects you in subtle ways-ways you are not always aware of. With that in mind, be very conscious and selective. With high hopes for you, Phylicia. This letter is amazing... |
| I read something in O Magazine yesterday that brought tears to my eyes. O gave three prominent people the chance to write a letter to their younger self; what would you say now that you're older? Phylicia Rashad was one of the three and her letter to herself at 21...I felt like she was writing to me. At 25 I understood all that she was telling herself. Letting romantic involvement get in the way of my goals and trying to do both at the same time. She was so eloquent and so to the point every time I read her words I want to cry because I recognize myself, young and wanting to prove that I know so much when I have so much to learn and so much to accomplish...that was the first time I felt compelled to write a letter to O expressing how I was touched. I love that magazine. I'll bring it in tomorrow and post her words, I plan to put them up on my desk anyway as a constant reminder... |
| Yesterday was my monthaversary...YES we celebrate every single month...he got me a card which was nice I didn't have anything to give but I'll pick up something tonight to give to him. The thing is we have these huge blow up arguments where he tells me how he's sick of this relationship and its a joke but then I get a gift on our monthaversary....I never know how these days will go when according to him he can't remember a holiday where we've ever gotten along. WHATEVER I'm thinking about going into therapy. I like to think of myself as my own personal therapist and I think that I do a pretty good job (esp. since I watch Starting Over and I used to watch Dr. Phil) but ultimately I analyze my life and my self I think pretty accurately but I would love to hear the opinion of a licensed person and what they have to say...my boyfriend's goal is to be a psychologist and I already know his opinion... I find these journal entries therapeutic because I'm releasing all these thoughts and it just so happens that each time I've written things in a journal on paper my boyfriend(s) have taken it upon themselves to read them and get angry and the thoughts and feelings that I've written...who has time to try and defend my ever changing thoughts and opinions of you? Not me |
| Her: these poems/prayers/sayings are nice, but the cliche'd nature of them really waters down the point... makes things sound all rosy and easy, when in fact- if God is really 'cleaning a person's house', it's not easy or rosy at all..it's really a struggle.. a wrestling match. against spirits, against flesh. everyday. poems like these are just a bit too cute, and they are misleading as to how God actually deals with a person he is trying to develop, and what the growth(or cleaning) process is really like. Me: I agree, although its nice for people to have uplifting thoughts and thinking about God at all these days; every person's spiritual level and growth is different and for those taking the first steps or reconnecting with their spiritual roots or even more further along as you may be it never really hurts to read poems like these and have these type of thoughts on your mind. After all, a poem like this may just act as a reminder for where we are in each of our personal growth levels and clearly it's not easy and suffering is continually involved, but so is joy and blessings and these type of reminders are great in reminding us of the rewards of continual faith and ultimate trust in God. You never know what will touch someone or give them the added boost to take a positive step they were already considering...God recognizes the true nature of a person's heart and while I don't think the poem is misleading I also don't think it was meant to promote that its easy to decide to walk the straight and narrow...what's rosy in your opinion may have been a reminder to someone else that they shouldn't put off Bible class this week which is still necessary and important in many people's spiritual growth and struggle. It's also nice to see positive Godly messages like this floating around the internet then some of these other forwards that people so eagerly pass along especially in times where there is so much pressure to take God out of everything. Her: definitely- people have different levels of spirituality, but what keeps alot of christians at the same level, is the misleading idea that it's "nice to think about God", if at all, since so many people aren't. as though God is willing to take whatever he can get from us. as though if the holy spirit is truly within us, then we shouldn't need a cute poem to remind us to think about God sure, this poem may be nice for a new christian, but i guarantee you most of the people reading it have been professing to be christians for years and are still at this level. i'm not too far off myself-last year i probably would have been the one forwarding this to you. However he has revealed alot of things to me in the past year, and called me to go deeper with him than i ever had before, and it's been a huge struggle since then and a huge blessing. and one of the things he revealed to me is that you can't truly get the blessing without the struggle and without the pain. i'm not necessarily talking about just 'walking the straight and narrow', i'm talking about an intimate relationship, and just how deep does that relationship get, and how much are we willing to go through to get that relationship with him, knowing that it's not easy, knowing that it's not just a matter of up and deciding to one day dust a couple of nagging items off the shelf like worry and fear and hate and bad memories. or a matter of attending bible study every week. this poem is definitely misleading, in that stacking faith and trust up on the shelf is as easy as spring cleaning. this poem is misleading because it infers that in order to achieve these crucial things, you don't have to go through anything. and that sounds good to us, cuz we don't want to have to go through anything. me included. and i'm not just talking about health problems, or poverty, or just life issues that everyone deals with, i'm talking about- what was this person in the poem willing to do in order to gain trust, faith, friendship with God, and a new philosopy? seems like all he had to do was go and get it. a person has to learn how to trust (and trust with their heart), be tested in his faith, struggle with himself, and seek the lord with his whole heart, and his whole mind and his whole soul. you don't just pick up trust and faith like lucky pennies you find off the ground, that is not what the word says. that's not truth. and it's very easy to be mislead by cute sayings and cliche's and miss the urgency and the seriousness of things. it's like a grownup suckling a bottle, when he should be eating tough meat. What I've started to do is really search my spirit on things, and ask God what He thinks about everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. Ask him what he thinks about this poem. "Who shall the Lord teach knowledge? And who shall he make to understand doctrine? He that is weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts." Isaiah 28: 9. Me: I agree to the extent that I already know and believe that its tough and definitely not easy and it takes a lot of work...that I do know from my own personal quest and spiritual growth but I don't think the poem was meant to suggest what you say it does as well as it wasn't meant to be taken extremely literally...that being said I agree to disagree with you on some of your points....honestly I think you come across a bit judgmental, although I do believe many people are stuck and their growth isn't where it should be that's not really for me to speak about or judge them...I can't speak for God and what he thinks of others, in spite of that I don't think he would find the poem ridiculous...I concentrate on focusing on trusting Him and following the path meant for me which I cannot do without His help...what I can do is continue to work hard spiritually which is a daily struggle but one that I am committed to and ultimately I believe God knows everyone's heart and judges them accordingly but only He does the judging... I got the last word.... |
| CLEANING HOUSE 2006 Last Week I threw out Worrying, it was getting old and in the way. It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things God's way. I threw out a book on MY PAST (Didn't have time to read it anyway). Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today. I threw out hate and bad memories, (Remember how I treasured them so)? Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago. Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, AND I MUST. Threw out I might, I think and I ought. WOW, you should've seen the dust. I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while. His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style. He helped me to do some cleaning and added some things Himself. Like PRAYER, HOPE AND FAITH, Yes I placed them right on the shelf. I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door. I FOUND IT- its called PEACE. Nothing gets me down anymore. Yes, I've got my house looking nice. Looks good around the place. For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space. It's good to do a little house cleaning, Get rid of the things on the shelf. It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF. BE BLESSED AND BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!! May the Lord open the windows of heaven and pour you out a blessing that you will not have room enough to receive it all. Malachi 3:10. May the Lord bless you exceedingly abundantly above all you could ever hope for. Philippians 4:19. May the Lord bless you that you may walk in a financial overflow for the rest of your days. Deut. 28:2 Amen Take 60 seconds & Bless some one! |
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