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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| Dave's younger sister is pregnant. I know this is supposed to be in a time where this isn't as big a deal as it used to be, which is definitely true. But in many households like the ones Dave and I grew up in our parents would much rather us be married and so forth. The fact is Dave's dad (well step-dad although he sees him as his dad -but that's another story) had his kids young and out of wedlock -although him and his former wife eventually married. In his rare case, once they divorced he retained custody of his kids. He's a great dad. He worked full-time, went to school full-time all while raising three kids which is no easy feat. The point being that his kids know how tough it was for him, especially before he re-married (Dave's mom -when he was 11). Nevertheless 6 years ago Dave's other sister got pregnant and she ended up dropping out of college and working to take care of her son. His dad wasn't happy about this but of course he helped in every way he could and loves his grandson. Now the youngest sister has seen all of this. She knows all about her dad's struggle in the beginning being a single dad AND going to school. She then watched her sister struggle with her son and NOT make it to school. Dave's point is she should have learned. What should it have taken for her to learn from other's mistakes and to take a new route. He thinks she shouldn't have it and she's not ready for a child. One, I believe in a woman's choice whole heartedly. The fact is she is 22 years old. So she's not exactly a child or pregnant in high school. Do I think she should have learned? -definitely, but many times no matter what you do or say to your kids, they are dead set on learning the hard way. Dave kept saying over and over how he didn't understand how she could let this happen. Didn't she use protection and why wasn't she more careful? Now he finally said this one too many times and I looked over at him and said,"Oh you don't possibly have ANY idea how that could have happened?..none," I mean seriously. He looked at me and started laughing. "Well..." Exactly. Don't get all high and mighty because you've been lucky so far...but you've had "scares". Suddenly he has a clue  Unfortunately this situation will force his sister to grow up and realize what sacrifice is all about. Now I am no parent yet and I'm not speaking as if I know how to raise a child because I don't. BUT I do know from my parents, Dave's parents, friends, and situations like Dave's sister that parenting is no small job. Sacrafice is a major aspect and I can honestly say that for now I'm selfish. I'm about me and my career, and going out to the club or out for a drink after work or any number of things that don't force me to back out because I have to rush home to be a mommy. When I do become a mommy I'll gladly accept those responsibilities but until then drinks are on me  |
| I went paintballing this weekend in the Poconos...well technically Jim Thorpe, PA and it was a LOT of fun. This was my first time ever going and I must say that it's a good way to take your mind off of things and to relieve any stress you may be feeling. We only had a group of seven and we were paired with another group of nine to play against and they were great. I felt like GI Jane and I loved every minute. I have a HUGE strawberry bruise on my right thigh, despite having on three pairs of pants (though not that thick) because those paint balls come at you fast and hard. It rained a bit so it was muddy and you basically have to get down and dirty. I was crawling on the ground and hiding behind trees...I basically thought I was in the army... Obviously I'm not in the army, but it did get me to thinking about the real conditions they have to face in Iraq everyday. Just being out in the paintball "conditions" had me emphathizing as much as I can with our soldiers out there. I can not even imagine the types of situations they find themselves in and the seriousness of it all. Its so easy to sit over here and complain about the war (which I do) and how unnecessary it is (which I believe) but depsite that, serious warfare is going on and the conditions are real and dangerous. I pray that our soldiers get back home as soon as they can and I wish that the paintball was as tough as it got...unfortunately that is far from reality... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| My grandfather passed away yesterday. It was totally unexpected to me. I knew he'd been ill for some time now, not being able to really talk or feed himself or be able to walk and just do activities that the rest of us take for granted on a daily basis. But despite knowing this, I expected him to be around for a while. I was planning to visit in the spring when another cousin of mine would graduate from Spelman in Atlanta which would be the perfect opportunity for me to visit my family in Alabama. I'm so saddened by the fact that my grandmother is left alone. They were together for over 60 years and all I can think about is that when she falls asleep at night that familiar warmth of my grandfather will no longer be there. I've never been one to shy away from older people. Ever since I was young (not to long ago) my parents always had me and my siblings around our grandparents and so it has always been natural for me to be able to converse and interact with the elderly. I feel people can distance themselves so much from generations that feel so foreign to them but are part of their history. My grandfather was part of the original Negro baseball league before the league became integrated. He coached a team and was very integral in putting African-American males in the sport. I remember him telling me many stories of the various great players he used to coach and play against and the social battles they fought to prove themselves. My uncle Oscar played for the New York yankees in the 70's and so baseball is a big part of my extended family in Alabama. I,myself have always been active in sports: tennis, track and basketball. He used to love that I played basketball (I was really good) and I used to always tell him that oneday I would give him a million dollars (at the time I meant to play professionally) and he loved this. It tickled him so much and I never failed to remind him every time I saw him. A couple of years ago my granny passed away in Alabama (a little confusing but I have 2 grandmothers) and he was very close to her. It makes me happy that now they can meet up again but that much sadder because I miss them both very much. Alabama isn't the same without them for me. Coming from California, it was a lot different but I embraced my country side of the family whole-heartedly. I knew no matter what that I would always have some great cooking wherever I went down there. I remember a few years ago on a visit down there my grandfather asked me to drive him to the country. When we were younger and eager to drive my siblings and I would always jump at the chance to drive to the country where my grandfather raised cows. Now I was a bit older and not that eager to drive to the country -where believe me there is absolutely positively NOTHING to do (and how my father grew up in the country is beyond me)- but my grandfather wasn't driving as well as he used to and this would be a great chance for us to have some time together. Now my grandfather is or was a hunter and he used to tell many stories of deer hunting and eating the meat. Hearing the stories were one thing but I never dreamed of being in one of the stories. On our way back a deer ran leisurely out on the road and stood there watching us for a while. The road is pretty narrow so I was pretty much stopped until s/he decided to move on. Then my grandfather gets the great idea that he'll shoot the deer and I'll help him carry the bloody carcus back to the truck to carry home. I prayed so hard not knowing what to do. I did NOT want to kill a deer nor touch a dead one. My grandfather pulled out his shot gun all the while I'm telling him this wasn't a good idea, but to no avail. God intervened because at this point my grandfather realized he had no bullets and so he had to put off killing the poor deer. I was ridiculously relieved and he was quite disappointed. Despite my grief I'm happy to have had a grandfather and I'll always cherish the memories of the many summers I spent in Alabama visiting. Now he can continue watching over me from a more comfortable position. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My grandfather is in the middle flanked by his wife, my grandmother on the left and my granny on the right...he looks like a pimp! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm the light blond girl (if you can tell) up front ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm on my granny's hip, with my grandma Mary next her, my mother is next to her with my older sister on her hip and my grandpa Jimmy is next to my mom...I think I was like 3 |
| Peyton Place by Grace Metalious is a great read about the intricacies and prejudices of a small town. This book enters the world of Peyton Place where nothing is too small to gossip about and every story is greatly exagerrated. This book does an excellent job describing in vivid detail the thoughts and behaviors within the social environment of this small community. I first read about this book through an article in Vanity Fair which described it as the book that transformed the publishing industry and created quite a stir. It became a television series as well as a film and I believe they're doing a re-make of the film. I'd recommend checking it out of the library, it's worth the read. |
| I was just sitting in a lunch time meeting with a room full of women discussing how we can enpower ourselves within the firm and enrich our careers as women in a man driven society. As I'm listening I explicitly realize that I am in the wrong place. I work at an architecture firm and this is not the career for me. As we were talking the ability to take risks came up. I instantly knew that me sitting in that room was a prime example of me playing it safe. I'm shaking my head and nodding my assent when I'm not even taking the risks that truly will mean something to me and in my career and happiness. I made a decision that I would make a risk today. (No, not quit my job -not yet anyway)but I am signing up for something I feel will be integral in memoving towards my goal and finally switching careers that until today I've put off with the excuse about the money involved. If I'm being honest with myself this is a small risk in comparison to so much that I am capable of. The fact is, I am passionate about reading, writing, and editing even if I'm not the best at just yet -those things are who I am and from now on risk is word that I will not associate with fear. |
| This morning Dave woke up to tell me that he had a bad dream that was about me cheating on him with a friend of his from college. I know this guy since we had a lot of the same friends although he was more of an aquaintance to me and a good friend of Dave's. The thought that I would EVER even hook-up with this guy is extremely laughable. I mean really. But eventhough Dave knew this it affected him and he was looking for some kind of reassurnace that nothing was going on with me in general. This immediately annoyed me because somehow this dream morphed into questioning his level of trust for me. I snapped that obviously nothing was going on with me and treated him like he was nuts for even suggesting this because of a dream! But as I went into the bedroom I recalled a serious life-like dream that I had of Dave being involved with several girls. Now when I woke up it seemed so real that I thought I was in the middle of it but as I washed my face and woke up I knew that obviously the dream wasn't really especially since it had involved Dave jumping up and down on the bed laughing hysterically as I confronted him about 6 different girls...the fact is I was a little shook up and though I absolutely knew it wasn't true and I could trust him I wanted his reassurances of his love for me which he gave sincerely and lovingly. I went back out to the living room where he was doing his morning work-out and apologized. I assured him that he was the one for me and that I appreciated his compassion when these situations are reversed. He does so much better than me many times in being compassionate and I know its something I need to work on. Self-less love looks a tough goal for me to reach at the moment. |
| I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water, held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love." This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds. This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect...and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you. For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings. Give and don't expect. Advise, but don't order. Ask, but never demand. It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring." Passing thought... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away..... Life is beautiful!!! Live it !!! Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." |
| I'm not really sure why I write this blog. Personally I think of it as a private journal although I know others can view it. I don't think that many people, if any, will be passing through and that's okay. It's important to me to do it on a daily basis because that's something that I struggled with even in writing my own personal journals at home. There would be large gaps in time or sometimes I would write daily for months but I'm trying to get rid of this sporadic attitude towards writing. Today I'm not feeling so inspired in terms of my future and I just hope to keep focused on my goals...I need more money I need a better job -really I have a good job but it's not what I want to do and sometimes it's uninspiring to go to work...I have to perservere |
| AHHHH!!! Going to court was a complete waste of time. They decided to settle with her and let her stay until the end of her lease which is for TWO more months. I have no idea how I will handle her ignorance. The lawyer said that if they pushed for the eviction it still wuld take until the middle of May to get rid of her and then she has the opportunity to appeal the decision which could push eviction to August depending on the court schedule....so she stays for 2 whole more months...what a bitch |
| Today I have to go to court (well I don't have to but I want to) to help evict my upstairs neighbor who is a ghetto pain in the ass. To make a long story, shorter than what it could be... I moved into a really nice apartment with beautiful grounds, a lovely one bedroom apartment with nice hardwood floors in a nice neighborhood. Somehow they let a person better off in the projects where she comes from move in. Unfortunately she moved above us -which for the life of me I don't know why the property manager didn't give us the upstairs apartment since we moved in about 3 weeks before she did. ANYWAY this chick -Yolanda- plays her music as if she lives in the country and there isn't anyone around for miles. She stomps (literally-not kidding) around her apartment and there is a stipulation in the lease that says the floor needs to have 80% carpet to alleviate the loud sounds of walking on hardwood. Its clear she has no furniture because you can tell the way she stomps around everywhere...she has been a nightmare. I complained multiple times where finally they said that they were evicting her plus Ruth the property manager acknowledged how ghetto she was and said she had a feeling not to let her get a lease when she came. So Yolanda has been getting letters telling her to she needs to be more compliant to no avail and so finally she was sent an eviction notice. Now I rarely see my neighbors because people leave at different times and what have you, but a few weeks ago I was having a GREAT day. It was actually nice out (finally-I'm in Philly) and I was pressed to wear a skirt with no tights and some cute heels with this cute blazer. So I'm coming home from work, listening to my I-Pod and I happen to glance up and notice her as I walk by in the parking lot. I continue on listening to my I-Pod not hearing anything. (I know what she looks like because we've had a couple of Un-friendly encounters where she acts like a complete idiot)Anyway, we live in a unit with four floors and I always take the stairs to the third floor (she doesn't) and on the second floor landing I notice movement from the corner of my eye and I turn and I see its Yolanda's fat ass struggling to make it up the stairs after me saying something. I can't hear her obviously due to my I-Pod and I take off one headphone and she's like, "I was trying to call you" mind you she's talking ridiculously loud. So I point to my music and headphones, "I couldn't hear you." "Well have you been telling Ruth that I've been harassing you and telling lies about me?" I sighed ever so deeply because honestly this was such a good day and I did not need this. "You're harassing me right now," and I kept walking up the stairs. Now I forgot to mention that she was breathing heavily (no Lie) on the second floor so by the time we get to the third floor she's breathing pretty hard. I walk to my door ignoring her and use my key to unlock the top lock and before I can unlock the second lock (mind you she's still talking) she moves her ample body in front of my door so I can't enter. Now Yolanda is ghetto that's just a fact. She's the type of project chick where if she did something like that she expects you to pull off your earrings and get out of your heels and start to call her all kinds of bitches and threatening to fight while she responds in the same manner. Unfortunately for her, I am NOT that girl. I stand a good 3 inches taller than her and because of my height (5'11) we may weigh the same although she may have 15 more pounds on me but nevertheless I am NOT at all afraid of her in any way, which doesn't mean I'm going to stand in my hallway and commence to act like I'm in grade school and fight. So she continues to ask me questions which I refuse to answer. I continually, calmly tell her that if she has any issues with me she needs to contact the leasing office because I'm not going to stand here and argue with her. So she says a few more things at which I sigh. So then she decides to get in my face (as much as can) and put her finger in my face and threaten to "fuck me up." I push her hand out of my face and tell her,"Is that supposed to scare me, because its not working." Mind you, I'm looking down at her with a smirk on my face. so blah blah blah she talks more crap but moves out of my way and I enter my apartment as she continues to make threats. I filed a restraining order just so that I could have the paperwork to show how she acts and the type of behavior she displays. So today we go to court. Ruth really wants me there (I think she's a little scared of Yolanda) so today we'll see what happens. She will definitely be evicted the question is how much longer until they come and force her out....I'll let you know later today -court is at 1:00 p.m. |
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