This choice: Politely decline, as always • Go Back...Chapter #14Embracing (My/Her) Ambitions by: Nostrum   Though the offer’s tempting, you know – because Claudia knows – that this won’t be his last. You can afford telling him off for now – after all, you want to know about her other suitors, and why would she ignore a ten like Herman Woodrow for them.
“I have,” you tell him. “But I’m afraid it’ll have to be another time. Not now.”
You see his face distort with suffering. “I hoped you’d finally accept. May I ask why?”
“You know the reasons,” you tell him. “I find Oceanside too pretentious for my tastes.”
“It doesn’t have to be there. You know that. I’ve invited you to my house, to that brick restaurant on the old district, even to that place on the highway that looks like an English inn.”
He’s referring to the Brickhouse Junction, Claudia tells you. You recall hearing your dad speaking about it, once, some time ago. It’s on the highway connecting Tyneside to the neighboring county, surrounded by trees, just five minutes away from the city limits – not too desolate, surrounded by nature, which definitely fits the idea of a “romantic venue”.
“Is there something you haven’t told me?” The question falls like a ton of bricks, startling you. You need her guidance on this, for you know he’s wounded.
You know already. He’s not the only man I’m interested in. If I give in, he’ll move to formalize our relationship – and I can’t let Henry, Alan or Roderick feel like I’m ignoring them.
You snort, marveled by how the bookworm librarian is playing with the hearts of many men. But you notice how that strikes Herman, and you grab his hand, trying to soften the blow. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disillusion you. I’m not laughing at your request – I find it very endearing. It was a nervous laugh, because you took me by surprise.”
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” he says, proving why Claudia’s so smitten with him. “It just feels like...”
“I’m not playing with your feelings, Herman. I appreciate our friendship--” Friendzone alert! Friendzone alert! “--and I wouldn’t want that to end. But I want to sort my feelings before making a decision.”
You see him take a deep breath, and you know – with your masculine insight – that he didn’t like the answer. However... “I appreciate your honesty.”
“I know you want to formalize a relationship, Herman.” You figure a straight answer will do better than skirting around the issue. “Your invitations here are basically dates, no? Barely hour-long dates, but they are.”
He straightens up, signaling he didn’t expect your answer. “And the invitations to dinner are essentially the next step. You feel it’s only a matter of time before we engage.”
His enthusiasm drops to a minimum, but it’s best for him to suffer now than to suffer later. You twist the situation, so that he may understand. “Would it be fair if I accepted your proposal, and engaged, only for you to realize a much closer friend was the one?”
“But you’re my closest friend.”
He gets you there – you've never spoken at length about your own circles of friends. “Perhaps, but I want you to evaluate it. As painful as that rejection would be for me, as painful it would be if I gave you needless hopes.”
“Then that means you...”
And then, you give him a genuine glimmer of hope. “I didn’t mean that. I only asked for time. I dream of you, Herman – but I dream of others too. And they’re wonderful men. Would you consider it fair that I rejected them without being entirely sure of my feelings?”
That stuns him. You can see in his eyes that he didn’t expect that answer. “I don’t want to make a decision without sorting my feelings. And I wouldn’t want a magnificent friendship to end because of the pain of unrequited love. As much as I don’t want to give you false hopes, I don’t want to deny you true ones. Let me sort my feelings, Herman. And if you’re the one, I will let you know. If you aren’t... I will do the same. I owe it to you for being a gentleman.”
You sip your tea and finish your sweets in silence, but as you leave, he grabs your hand. You see him trying to hold his tears, but with a tender smile. “Thanks, Claudia. I appreciate that you opened up to your feelings for me. And I won’t deny it – I truly love you, and I wish you’d be my wife.”
“If you are the one for me, I will love being your wife. But if we are not meant to be together, I’d love for someone else to have a wonderful husband as you. This isn’t a rejection, Herman. This is an apology.”
“And I accept it.”
“I do hope that doesn’t mean we’ll stop seeing each other – I’d love to hear what your student says when you prove him wrong.”
He chuckles, his laughs echoing the relief in his heart. “Sure, sure! I will. And... again, thanks. I needed to hear that.”
He’s still hurt, however, because he doesn’t offer to escort you back. You give him his space – which helps you face the angry thoughts of a frightened woman.
What did you do!? What if Herman’s the one--?
Better to rip it off like a band-aid, you tell her. Erm, like a bandage.
I know what you mean! But I can’t stomach seeing him hurt.
He doesn’t deserve us lying to him, you stress – both the importance of your actions, and that you are her. What will you tell Henry, Alan or Roderick? Might as well sort this out.
Perhaps, but in such a crude way?
I’d hate if a woman plays with me like you do with them. Might as well let me handle this.
True, she tells you, admitting defeat. You’re the one in charge.
No, you remind her. I am you. And I’ll choose what’s best for us, because it’s our future we’re talking about.
--
You finish arranging the books in their proper stands and check on outstanding lent books when Marshall taps you. “Time to close, Ms. Nicholls.”
“Yes,” you tell him, looking around. Like yesterday, you feel the pain of an empty, if silent, library. What you would give to promote it, so that young and old could experience the marvel of a good story, or the wealth of knowledge hidden in old books?
“Have you worked on the proposal for City Hall?”
As organized as she is, she hasn’t - and you haven’t either. It’s a delicate proposal, tasked to you by the current head librarian, Sylvia Drexler; a sign that she trusts you as her successor. She’s soon to retire, and has kept the library funded by the city during her tenure, preventing its closure.
But this time, things are different. The board of aldermen is considering cutting funds to the City and Municipal Libraries. The budget barely covers for everything, and her retirement might not help so much. Late book fees cover too little and are often unrecoverable – the municipal assignment is paramount to the libraries’ survival.
But to justify the budget, the Municipal Library needs more visitors. The City Library happens to have a robust computer center, but the advent of smartphones and affordable units has rendered that service moot. You can’t even match that with your outdated equipment.
Yet, that inspired you to write a small note on a Post-It, as you practiced Claudia’s impeccable handwriting. [Suggest a Code Training Program.]
The idea came as you recall how you heard Fort Tyne still relied on outdated equipment out of necessity. What if the library helped the youth of Tyneside and Edgefield to learn about it, thus helping national security while safeguarding the legacy of computing?
If you can develop it, you’d be funded by the Department of Defense itself, giving a great relief to the city – the kind of thing that would snatch the big prize of head librarian. And with control over such a large budget, you could even secure its future by making it a repository of rare and valuable volumes seen nowhere else in the region.
But the task is daunting, and while Claudia is smart and charismatic, business intimidates her. She needs help. And in seeking that help, she got acquainted to a potential suitor – Henry Ackerman, a lawyer specializing in corporate business, and one of the few lawyers that isn’t inherently sleazy.
"I have an idea,” you tell Marshall, sighing in relief, “but I need to consult it with someone before delivering it to Mrs. Drexler.”
“Try to make it quick – I heard Smithers has a magnificent idea to propose.”
You instinctively snarl as you hear that name, because Claudia loathes it. Archibald Smithers is the closest thing she has to a rival. One of the oldest employees, also considered for the position of head librarian, but to your shame, almost your mentor. He inspired you to embrace library sciences as your profession.
But when you started working with him, you regretted your hero worshipping. He’s a chauvinist pig and a lazy asshole. He’d rather be at an office, enjoying Sylvia’s salary while letting you do the day-to-day work, while having the final word on everything. None of the other librarians would be safe – especially you, who he has taken a liking for.
You know Marshall’s a bit of a blabbermouth, but you can’t help feel cocky about it. “If mine works? I’ll make the city happy. Close the doors and wait for me – I need to finish a couple things.”
“Got it.” Soon, Marshall returns, tapping the counter. “I like that.”
“What?” you say without removing your eyes from the screen.
“The attitude. Whatever happened to you, Ms. Nicholls? Keep it up.”
As you let him go with a cocky snicker, you absorb those words, deep inside you. See, Claudia? I’m the best that has gotten into you.
You stretch your arms upwards, feeling as the dress compresses your lovely breast. I think I will enjoy this change in life.
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