Richard

founded love, lost and then reconciled after years apart.

I took a look at myself in the mirror and made a face. I was not happy. My red curly hair, once thick and lushes, was now dull and flat. My blue eyes looked back at me with worry. What was I doing? I had a lunch date with Richard, and I felt out of place. It had been ten years since I last saw him. I looked different. Age sure took a toll on me. I was not the same innocent teenage girl Richard had met. Not even with foundation, could I cover the circles under my eyes. Bearing two kids didn’t help either. Why was I being so harsh on myself? I was only meeting up with an old Friend.
Old friend? Ha! More like an old boyfriend.
I sighed with nervousness as I took one more look in the mirror before deciding there was nothing more, I could do to improve myself.
I wore a Tiffany blue summer dress with yellow rose imprints. I placed another coat of lip gloss as I attempted to distract myself from falling into a ball of nerves.
On my way towards the café, I remembered how I first met Richard. We were both seniors in high school. He was in the library on a Friday afternoon, trying to find a book for his history project while I was there working. I was so shy and nervous around him. However, it was his eyes that had caught my attention. They were dark brown and devious. The moment I stared into them I was hypnotized.
“Hi, can you help me?”
“Hi!” I said breathlessly. My heart was racing. I knew I had a crush on him. I’d like to think he felt the same.
By the time the library closed, Richard had asked me out for dinner.
We had met up the following night at a local Diner, and by the end of the night I realized that I was going to marry Richard one day. I was bitten by the love bug. We shared a simple kiss soon after. We were inseparable after that. Everything was perfect. Unfortunately, life had other plans for us…

***********

I arrived at the café early. I did not get out of my car quickly as my nerves had me immobilized. I didn’t know if I could go through with it.
But I am here. Don’t mess it up again! You’ve already done that too many times!
I rolled my eyes with annoyance. "What am I supposed to say? I’m sorry I messed things up! How’s life?” I said out loud.
Stupid!
Things were different back then. I had lost myself. I ended our relationship. I didn’t know how to live after… after…
Her death, I thought.
“What the hell am I doing here?” I wondered, suddenly wanting to leave. This was a mistake! Why did Richard even want to meet up? But he had messaged me, surprising me.
“Oh, come on Clara. It’s just lunch! It’s not like I am asking you to marry me!”
It was this that convinced me to meet him. He seemed genuinely happy to contact me.
Maybe it's going to be alright. I told myself as I slipped out of the car.
The truth was Richard was not only an old boyfriend; he had actually proposed to me three months after dating him. I did not hesitate to say yes. I had told my mom the wonderful news and we had celebrated that night with champagne and mom’s meatloaf dinner. The night was perfect.
But I never got married. That day never came. My mom got terminally sick.
Cancer.
It ate my mom alive, as it did my relationship with Richard. And even though he was trying to be there for me, I had pushed him away. So much anger and later guilt.

**********

I walked into the café. I had never been here. It was a simple small room with white tables and chairs, decorated in blue and white. There was a long counter where the cashier stood. I searched the room and noticed that Richard had already arrived and sat at the corner by the wide French window. I couldn’t move for a moment. I could feel my heart stop for a moment. He had not changed much. Aging looked good on him. His thick black hair now had streaks of gray, complimenting those dark brown and devious eyes, those eyes that had always captivated me. He looked at me right then; with the same kindness he had many years ago.
I swallowed my nerves.
The waitress walked up to me and escorted me toward Richard. As I approached, he stood and pulled the chair out for me. I sat and the waitress got our order.
“I’ll take a latte,” I said.
“Black for me,” Richad said.
He had always liked plain black. That had not changed. It felt familiar. I relaxed a little.
“How are you, Clara?” Richard asked with a smile as the waitress walked away.
I swallowed before I answered.
“I am okay, I guess. Just trying to get myself and my girls situated.”
“That is right, I did see that on your profile. Recently divorced, as well.”
“Yes, that’s right.” I said, feeling a little exposed by my failed marriage.
“How long were you married?”
“A little over eight years.”
“Oh, okay. Sounds like my situation.” Richard said.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I said, not sure what to say.
Richard seemed thoughtful for a moment.
“You can say I tried. But in the end, I was never really happy. And instead of continuing to hurt Lisa. I let her go. To be honest, she seemed to be happy to leave. She told me that I never truly loved her.”
I stared at him for a moment before I asked: “What did she mean by that? Not truly love her?”
Richard half smiled, his eyes seemed to lose some light in his eyes. He seemed sad for a brief moment.
“I think I married because I was trying to forget certain things in my life,” Richard finally answered, staring directly into my eyes.
I stared back at him wanting to look away but his stare was piercing. I wondered if he was trying to tell me something. Richard, I thought; have you been suffering like I have all this time?
It was strange because I had done the same. I got married because I was trying to forget certain things as well. Like losing him, hating myself for treating him so horribly, to the point that he had just disappeared. And then hate him for not saying good-bye. But the worst thing was hating myself for allowing him to let me go!
Even though I had married John, I could never really love him nor ever really let him get too close. For that reason, I felt lonely and always yearned for Richard’s return. He truly was the one that got away.
I cleared my throat before I spoke: “Richard, I never thought I was ever going to see you again,” I said.
He smiled then, the light in his eyes seemed to come back.
“Don’t you just love social media.” He said.
My oldest daughter had opened up a Facebook page for me and that is how Richard had found me. He actually reached out to me. At first, I hesitated. I stared at his profile for a long time. Why would he want to see me? I hurt him. I did not deserve anything from this man. And yet, here he was, requesting to be my friend. After a few days of contemplating, I accepted his friend request.
“What made you come back to town?” He asked, interrupting my thoughts.
Why did I come back? I had left town to start over. Staying in town had only brought me painful memories. But then after the divorce I moved back. Even though there were still painful memories, no other place felt like home.
And that is exactly what I said.
“I came back home.”
“It sounds like you like to move around a lot whenever certain unpleasant events take place.”
I could tell he immediately regretted what he said. Richard looked down, seemed to be thinking of something else to say.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean -”
“That’s alright. I deserved it” I said. I was angry. Mainly at myself. What he said was right. It was so much easier to run.
“I guess that is all I am good at, starting over,” I said bitterly.
Richard stood quiet.
“Don’t do that. I didn’t mean-”
“No, but you implied it,” I interjected. I felt annoyed. This was supposed to be a nice gathering. Not a long overdue argument.
Before Richard could respond the waitress came with our coffees.
I took a sip. It tasted bitter and hot. I made a face and pushed it aside, no longer wanting it.
“For what it’s worth, I am happy you are back,” Richard said. I could tell he was attempting to steer the conversation.
“Right,” I replied, appreciating his attempt. The truth was I wanted to stand up and walk out.
But before I could give a second thought, Richard asked; “What are their names, your girls?” It took me a moment to register what he was asking. I took another sip, collecting my thoughts.
“My oldest is Coreen. She is eight. The youngest is Bonnie. She is five” I responded.
“My boy is five as well. His name is Hunter.”
I half smiled. We were supposed to have kids together, I thought sadly. Richard seemed to have noticed my mood shift.
“I’m sorry,” Richard began.
I sighed before I said: “There is nothing to be sorry about. Our lives took different paths. And that is my fault. We should have had kids together, been married.”
Richard stared at me for a moment.
“You lost your mother. I can’t imagine how it felt walking into her room and finding her…just gone.”
“I pushed you away.”
“I don’t blame you.”
Suddenly I felt annoyed, angry: “Why not? I genuinely pushed you away. I treated you badly! Why are you not upset with me? Why are you here?” I felt my heart beating fast; I could hear it in my ears. I wanted to cry from the guilt I felt. Richard shouldn’t be here. He should have stayed away and lived his life.
I looked down, trying to retrieve whatever dignity I had.
I thought of my mom then. I don’t remember much about that day, only that she died in her sleep. I had walked into her room one morning…tried to awaken her.
But she never did.
My life, after that, was dark. No matter how hard Richard tried to help me, I had found so many opportunities to push him away.
“I know your mom was all that you had at the time.” Richard said, interrupting my thoughts.
“I also had you but did not appreciate you. And all I did was take my anger out on you. That was unfair.”
Richard reached for my hand. It felt warm. I stared into his eyes and noticed that glow, the one that was always there, a smile that seemed glued whenever I was around. It was so welcoming, just like it did that moment.
Yet all I could think about was how I shouted at him to “Just go away! Leave me alone!”
“For how long, Clara? Let me help you!”
Richard had pleaded.
“There is nothing you can do! I am no good to you, Richard! I don’t know if I’ll ever be! I died the day my mom died! It’s over!”
I was lost and there was nothing he could have done. I didn’t know how to let him in.
Just like now. Am I still pushing you away, Richard? I wondered.
“You know, Clara. I didn’t bring you here to bring up old wounds.”
“Then why did you?” I said, “I treated you so poorly. I don’t deserve your -”
“Clara, just stop, please.” Richard interjected.
I closed my eyes, telling myself to relax, trying to compose myself.
“I’ve missed you. And even though we have different lives, I have not stopped thinking about you.”
This surprised me.
“You haven’t?”
“Even when you were gone, I still thought of you late at night. When the world was asleep, I’d wonder if you were happy. If your life had become the way you wanted it to be, even if I was not a part of it.”
I could not speak. I felt my breath get caught in my throat. I wanted to tell him that I had felt the same. That I had woken many nights just to think of him, if he was happy…
I felt tears threatening to fall.
“Really?” I whispered.
“Clara, maybe we can continue…I mean, there is nothing in our way. Maybe we can try again.”
I didn’t have words to describe what I was feeling at the moment. What was I feeling? Hope? Excitement?
“I never gave up the thought of us meeting one day. And now that we are here, I am not planning on walking away that easily.”
I felt something warm in my heart. I covered my face with my hands as the tears began to fall. After all these years, Richard still wanted to be with me, still had hope for us. I felt it… the pain, the guilt… it was flushing out of me like a persistent parasite, finally ready to be exhumed from my body.
“I’m sorry, Richard! For everything. I don’t deserve this but, how I want this to work,” I said.
With both his hands, he brushed my tears away. I felt blossoming inside me. Could it be another chance?
“I lied, though.”
I looked at him confused for a moment before he continued.
“I did bring you here so that I could marry you one day.”
My mouth dropped.
“Whoa. What?” I said with a smile.
“I think we’ve had a long engagement. It’s time to take the next step.”
I laughed feeling carefree and, dare I say, happy. I had not felt this way in such a long time. I started to think it no longer existed in my life.
“But how can you still want me?” I asked. “We have lost so much time.”
“I don’t think so. Time doesn’t mean anything, Clara. The day you left me was the day I learned to partially live, only half love. I don’t regret my life. I love my son. But the truth is I could never find anyone to really fulfill what I had, when I was with you. You have always been my other half. I still love you. I never stopped loving you.”
His words were like a flashlight that lit the path that I had strayed from. And now, he had found me. I wasn’t planning on ruining this opportunity again.
“I am so sorry, Richard! I never meant to hurt you!”
“Shh. Let go of this guilt. All of it. Let’s start over.”
He pulled me into him, embraced me and I felt my hard exterior shatter. Warmth ran through my body like liquid gold silk. I finally came home. I took a deep breath and let him in.
“I love you too!” I finally said into his ear.
He held me tighter. I don’t know how long we held onto each other. I could have stayed in his arms forever. When we finally released each other, Richard leaned forward and lightly kissed me. Warm, sweet, tender.
I was falling and I did not want to stop it.

****

Richard walked me to my car. He held me again.
“I really am happy you are back,” Richard said.
“So am I. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For never giving up on me, on us.” I said.
Richard kissed me. This time longer, deeper and with a passion that was long overdue. As we departed, he kissed my hand.
“Until we meet again.”
“Sooner, better than later,” I said.
I felt warm, safe. I sensed a new beginning. And I liked it. Richard and I found each other once again.