BEING OLD

Me during a difficult time

Being old has become constantly looking at my past moments and memories
I see myself thinking of all the many moments in my life that have slipped away
I find myself looking more closely at each of those moments, each of those memories
They are like each like grains of sand
I can watch each grain as it slips through the bottom of a cracked hour glass
I suddenly realize that the hour glass is my life

The more I watch the crack in the hour glass, I see the crack widens
The amount of sand leaving the hour glass has increased
I sadden because I know I cannot stop it, or slow it down
I understand I cannot mend my old broken hour glass, and I feel a pain in my heart, my soul
A pain for all the sand that has left, all the sand that is leaving, and all the sand yet to go
All of it gone forever

I want so badly to replace all of the bad moments from the past with good
I know this is not possible, I know there is no redo, I know there is no retake, I know there is no second chance
I know that once each grain of sand has passed through the crack, it is gone forever

In the grains of sand, I feel my body retaliating for all the neglect and abuse it has endured over its many years
It cannot forget all of the beatings, the rapes, the overeating
It cannot forget being over worked, of no rest, of its hard life
And so it remembers with pain, for it is all it has ever known
The pain is felt with every movement, every action, every thought, every feeling
It continually reminds of this lifetime of abuse, and neglect it has endured
My body will not forget, and will not forgive

At times I wonder, or maybe hope, will this be the day my broken hour glass will finally empty
No more grains of sand, no more pain, no more sad thoughts
Sometimes I want it to be so, but then, maybe not
Maybe, I think, maybe being old is just finding better ways to live with it all
Maybe it is time to hold onto what I have, and be thankful
Maybe it is time to stop watching the sand