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This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!
Please remember that these are just my thoughts, at the end of the day whatever you decide is the right answer!
 Initial hook: sweet story that greatly details the life of a war torn family
 Storyline: Lady loses love to war and child to tragedy and is left to deal with her emotions with her late husbands cousin and a motley crew of other characters.
 Characters: Patrick Gavin, Marilyn Williams/Gavin, Grace (i'd like to know how old the toddler is), Ivan Navratil, Peter - Ivan's footman, Mr. Jameson - the butler, Marshall - Ivan's chauffear, Mr. Williams - Grace's father (surprised he's not introduced to the story by his first name, not as if the characters have much respect for him), Ms. Danielle Porter - William's mistress, Beth - Marilyn's sister, Dr. Lyons, Abigail Pembroke - fellow factory worker, Sir Charles Templeton, Virginia - Marilyn's lady maid, Eric McNealy, Ambassador Evzen Navratil - Ivan's father; Sir Robert James Griffin - his appearance is rather random, Evzen never explains how they know each other, Robert's young enough to be his son;
 Setting: WWI era Toronto, Canada
 Atmosphere/Tone: very storylike, drama sitcomish, Jane Eyre in the 20th century-esque; serious in some areas, lighthearted in others
 Dialogue: enjoy how all the characters interact, good dialogue flow for most part
 What I liked: "Grace straightened her shoulders and seemed to walk with more of a purpose now ...Grace on her heels, imitating her every move in an almost comical fashion." love it when kids do this; "I'll kill ya! Hold me back!" he shouted at the others., that scene was pretty funny, Eric should definitely have had a recurring role
 A few suggestions I had:
(Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear)
 "Sunday next." / "But that's just two days away!
wouldn't that be "This coming Sunday"? 'Sunday next' sounds like a week or few days at least, maybe just say "In two days time."
 The three eventually sat with blank stares on their faces
The three sat with blank stares on their faces
 Marilyn wondered about the fate of her young chauffeur. ... I can't stand the idea of those great lads Mr. Gavin and Mr. Navratil risking
if he's young should he be referring to Pat and Ivan as "lads"?
 eye sockets stared blankly back at her, ghastly, making her stomach churn.
eye sockets stared blankly back at her. The ghastly sight made her stomach churn.
 He and Ivan should both should be arriving together.
He and Ivan should be arriving together.
"All notions of class have nearly been eradicated the minute Germany declared war.
"All notions of class were eradicated the moment Germany declared war.
Theirs was responsible for the blending of the gunpowders for time fuzes.
Their station was responsible for blending the gunpowders for time fuzes.
"What gala?"
as a high society military wife it seems odd she wouldn't know about the gala already
"You've met Lieutenant Navratil, haven't you?" Abigail asked ... "Oh, so you know each other?" Abigail inquired, very interested.
contradictory statements, and why didn't Ivan tell Marilyn he was in town before the gala?
"Oh, poo," Marilyn said.
too trite a sentence to follow such grave news "I see..." would have been better
I reckon I can hold my liquor just fine, thank you very much."
I reckon I can hold/manage my spirits just fine, thank you very much."
and listened with intent ears at the scene that ensued.
and listened intently to the conversation that ensued.
We've known each other for how long? Four years?
hmmm, I'd almost expect them to know each other a little longer, he's been away on 2 6 month deployments so they only met 3 years prior to start of the story? feasible, but maybe consider 6-8 years
a bewildered-looking Mr. Jameson at the door. Ivan froze, as did Marilyn, as neither knew what had frightened the man so.
a bewildered-looking Mr. Jameson at the door. Ivan froze, as did Marilyn, as neither knew what had surprised the man so.
trying to reason with a drunk was like trying to shoot bullets at a freight train.
consider a better analogy
Dreams of Patrick still haunted her in the night, however.
Dreams of Patrick still haunting her in the night.
As he pushed Eric backwards, the latter fell back onto the table,
As he pushed Eric backwards, the stocky Canadian fell back onto the table, try not to use "latter"/"former" too much
But when the strong hands of Mr. Jameson yanked him up from the ground
if he's so strong why the heck didn't Jameson try to rescue them?! changes the readers opinion of the man greatly to write it this way, I suggest having him incapacitated somehow, a beam fell on his head, he's unconscious, and have Virginia be the one to tell Ivan they are still inside
Sir Robert said, a young man of only twenty-five, a few years older than Marilyn and Abigail.
those ages don't seem right, at the least he should be the same age as Marilyn and Abigail, as it is now it sounds like Marilyn had her daughter at 14/15, maybe younger
How I wish that I had let him wait so I could let my dear girl enjoy her ice cream, what would possibly have been her last."
How I wish that I had let him wait so I could let my dear girl enjoy her ice cream. love how the ice cream takes her back to that memory, but surely it wouldn't have been the girls last, that trip took place over a year before her death
"I imagine an afternoon on my boat shall do the trick," Sir Robert said.
she referring to that day? but it's thunder and lightening outside...
Deciding upon seeing him, his father planned the journey, taking along Abigail. Sir Robert and Marilyn remained behind.
seems unlikely that any of them would stay behind, the hospital is right outside the city after all
She was unsure what he might find there herself,
She was unsure what she might find there herself,
You know, like when we were children."
seems a little too nostalgic since they just met recently
A few parting comments...
consider taking out some of the character names, unless they are central to the story in some way there's really no need to tell us the name of the soldier and doctor at the hospital, to much information takes away from the focal points
I'm curious to know what became of Abigail's brother; interested in the next installment to hear of Ivan's fate also
Hope this helped! Great job on a great piece of readable art!!!
Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:
 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  . |
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