This is a good take on the prompt! I admire your touch with reality and your final denouement on the life of the modern-day pirate. They say that money never is free, and one has to work hard to earn it, whether legitimately or illegally, and your 99-words endorse this fact all too clearly.
It was indeed a devilish turn of the prompt that made you write this wonderful item for the Writer's cramp! I wonder if you created a blank blue screen in your port just so that it showed up in your story. If so, I congratulate you on showing such inventiveness! I found the story well-written and with hardly any mistakes, although the cramp overlooks errors of grammar and such.
Did you know that RN in the West means a "registered nurse"? . Welcome to writing.com, and I hope that you have an equally enjoyable stay here as I have been having for over five years. It appears that you too are an Indian. In that case, a double welcome to you.
About your story. It reads more like a school report. The tension and drama of such a dramatic tale are missing. I could not feel any sympathy for the victims, and likewise, any anger for the "master". Try and tell the story like a story. Include emotions within dialogue. I am not interested in knowing the names of all the five friends. Rather, it may be more interesting to know a little more about Mallika's interaction with the narrator.
Do revert to me after you have revised the tale, and I will be happy to re-read/re-review it.
This was a truly heartwarming story. I am so sorry that God had to take him away. May His soul rest in ?Eternal Peace.
On the merits of the story, you have so succinctly laid out his best qualities in the tale. I doubt if I could do that if there came upon me a need to eulogise someone.
Good writing. Keep it up.
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P.S. Do correct the spelling of "everyday" at one place where the "Y" has got dropped inadvertently.
Hello, and welcome to writing.com, the largest site for writers and readers on the net. I just read your story. It is a well-imagined take on vampires. I only hope that the next time you get a chance to edit, please run this through a spell check and rectify all the wrong spellings. The word bartender is a single word. There are, in addition, several errors of grammar and syntax that need your attention.
The point of conflict and the resolution of the same were very nicely done. In the final sentence, the tense suddenly changed from past to present. I point this out to you so that you take the time to alter the construction of the sentence, as also other similar sentences with mixed tenses.
Another thing: the story of vampires is an old one with some stated rules and general form of behaviour. You seem to forget that once a vampire sucks the blood of a victim, that victim, in turn, becomes one of their own: thus, logically, there should have been several more vampires in the town.
I also did not understand why you mentioned that Khwaja had not seen a full moon in a long time. How did he then come to the pub to drink? With his eyes blindfolded?
Lastly, the dialogue is quite silly at some points. Do try and redefine it . For example, the line >>Your death could be more painful then the limits of the word pain itself<< sounds like a cheap dialogue from a second grade Bollywood movie.
Thank you for a delightful insight into the mind of a thinker - you. I am envious of your ability to write such profound thoughts in an essay of this nature on a public writing site and making it available for general consumption to simple mortals like us!
Your references are impeccable too, and I am raring to go out there in cyberspace and check them out, except that those aren't cyber links.
Coming to your essay in particular, I rather liked your way of showing that science, in fact, in itself demonstrates the possible existence of the supernatural.
Thanks again for writing this. It appears that you have not just the gift of writing well, but also of penning good poetry! I enjoyed your allusions to metaphor throughout the poem.
In particular, I liked your differentiating evil, the sneaky devil from the all-manifested malevolence. Your descriptions there were also very vivid and believable.
While we will all, as a team, get into the editing aspects later on, I can tell you this: this is a good story and is likely to be selected (if everyone agrees). I want you to provide a link to our team and to the PWW item of Kiya at the bottom of the item.
Congratulations on being the first to put up an item from our team!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, truth that they are, in this site. I hope many American writers and readers of this poem pause to reflect on the words that adorn this item.
With best wishes for the coming festive season, and praying to God that he keeps that exit door far away from you,
Let me, at the outset, apologise for not having reverted to you much earlier. It was the pressure of time. Also, as a team leader of Team India, I wanted to evaluate your writing before admitting you to our group. Having read this item, I can say that while your idea and content are interesting, your syntax and grammar are wanting. You need to, for example, understand the difference between the reflexive pronoun "myself" and the personal pronoun "I" while formatting sentences ending in the narrator's participation.
Here is an example: *Every body had already assembled in the hall. My mother, my grandma, my sister, Prem uncle, Bhanu uncle and myself were there.*
This is better written as:
*Everybody had already assembled in the hall - my mother, sister, Premuncle, Bhanuuncle and I (were there)."
Besides this, I found a couple of spelling errors, none too serious, and a few more instances of construction mistakes that can be improved upon.
You have mentioned 0845 as the time. When one narrates, one says "fifteen minutes to nine O' clock" rather than 0845. I am sure you agree with me.
I wish you all the luck. I am adding you to our India team, but I hope to see this work improved. Welcome aboard!
I think that you are perhaps the most humble and yet gifted author on Writing.com. This particular item lists five of your closest relatives and ends by saying that although they were all common citizens of the US, they were, in many ways, uncommon heroes! I have always maintained that heroism is not that uncommon. In my medical practice, I come across hundreds of parents of disabled, retarded and differently enabled children who continue to smile and live courageously in society despite inordinate claims - financial, social as well as emotional - on their resources.
Your listing of all the family-centred items is also a great thing, as I intend to visit most of these items through the coming months.
May God rest the souls of the Departed in peace. And may He bless you and your large family in the years to come.
This is a very interesting poem. I enjoyed reading it aloud to my daughter and she enjoyed it too. I think the rhythm is good, as is the cadence and the song-like quality that the poem evokes.
I wish you all the best in getting this tickle - i mean, poem published!
I finally got around to reading this story! It was in my favourites folder for the past two years, and what kept me from reading it was its sheer size! Now that I have read it, I think it is a masterpiece. I have not rated it a 5.0 as I want you to look at it again and rectify the several small errors that have crept into the text. But I tell you, this story gave me the heebie-jeebies!
Hi! I am Taher and I came to your item through your submission in the PWW coffee room for team India. I must say that you are a great admirer of Gandhi and have written a very good poem on him.
Title, rating and brief description:
The title has no problems at all. It is well understood which Gandhi is being referred to. The rating is also pucca correct.
Contents of this item:
Most of the poem is excellent. I had my doubts about the second last stanza. It highlights some events of the struggle for independence but adds nothing to the subject of Gandhi. I think you could safely axe it from this particular poem.
Another thing: if Churchill did say that Gandhi only had virtues and no vice, I fail to understand why this should be labelled as "unkind".
Finally, the line "the incessant white ire" needs drastic alteration, as white includes non British Caucasians too.
Aside of these few things, I could not find anything inappropriate or out of place.
Beginning and Ending lines:
No issues here. Both the opening lines and the ending lines were great.
Flow and rhythm:
Superb, as you have structured the poem in a specific way. The line Einstein ... needs a slight tweaking as it sounds a bit longish when recited aloud. In reality, though, it is one syllable short!
Format, spacing, indenting, etc.:
No issues here. It is perhaps a uniform style with you to capitalise each and every line; I would have not capitalised the starts of those lines that were actually a continuation of the previous line(s).
Grammar and composition:
I refer you to these lines:
Espoused the cause of those,
Oppressed and downtrodden, who
Against the British, rose.
In these three lines, the comma placed after the first line is wrong and needs removal.The comma in the last line is also not needed.Try and re-read this to understand what I mean (I have made the above two alterations):
Espoused the cause of those
Oppressed and downtrodden, who
Against the British rose.
What things I liked:
I liked the flow and rhythm of most of the poem. Your choice of words is also quite precise. (But we already know that, don't we? )
What things I did not like:
I have something more to say, but I will do so in the PWW forum or in private mail.
Hi! My name is Taher and I came to this essay/article through a search for authors with interesting portfolios. You have been on this site a lot before I joined, and I think you might be ready perhaps for an upgrade now. However, who am I to say what you really want to do with your membership?
May I ask you to please bear with me as I read this essay properly?
Hmm ... here goes:
Title, rating, genre and brief description:
The title and the brief description look almost identical. It might have helped if you had spiced up the description into some positive statement, or instead, added an element of secrecy into the title. The genres seem correct. I wonder why you did not rate this item a "E". I could not see anything offensive in it.
The first few lines:
Not counting the italicised lines at the top, I think your start was good. You might be surprised to know that many authors, including yours truly, discovered stories.com in much the same way as you did - accidentally while searching for writing sites on the net.
The main body of the essay/article:
You have indeed made out a strong case for the generosity of this website and the features that free members can access and enjoy. Truly, wdc is a really enriching experience for newbies, older authors and almost everyone including guests. It is always possible for free members to keep an item for a few months, and then take it off and put up a new one to get opinions and reviews on it. In this way, by recyling your writings, you can get the best out of this website.
I totally agree with you that the best advantage of wdc is in getting exposed to so many good people and befriending them for life. Also, reading and reviewing others' work makes one a better author too.
The ending lines and the overall impact of this essay/article:
This was a positive. I liked it.
Language, grammar, spellings and syntax (in short, the creative merit of the article:
Not many errors. I detected an extra apostrophe in the very first italicised line.
Things I have liked:
I liked your sincere posturing, your balanced view and your error-free writing (almost!).
What a lovely page! Madam, you really go all the way to spice up your group. This is so beautiful. I want to see my name there and will work hard to do so ... Thank you for accepting me into the group. Er... how do you create those awardicons??
Honestly, I don't know what to say! You are so meticulous and informative without being didactic. This FAQ has been one of the better FAQ's I have ever come across in my entire internet experience. It helps that you have a wonderful layout, lovely colour schemes and short, to the point answers. Please congratulate Amalea for the layout, but part of the credit DOES go to you too!
Hi! I am Taher and I came to your item as I sat browsing the ports of my team-mates at PWW.
Title, rating and brief description:
I have no issues with any of the above things. Surely, this is a very creative item and I, for one, had never thought it could be described in quite so many words that you have done, and that too, in a comical vein. Hats off to you for such a nice poem in your port.
Contents of this item:
Your rather graphic description of a yawn had me imagining it before my eyes as I read the poem. Legs joining in - wow! What a stupendous yawn that must have been! I was only wondering one thing: why late eve? Why not still later than that? LOL. Don't you yawn now as you read my review though, or I will come and flagellate you! Ha ha.
Beginning and Ending lines:
Very dramatic, simple yet flowing lines throughout the poem, from the first line to the last. Very evocative too.
Flow and rhythm:
Excellent rhythm, and I must say the poem flowed nicely all through.
Format, spacing, indenting, etc.:
No issues here. I could not find any typos or forgotten symbols sitting there and doing nothing. Like this 1/2 parenthesis: {
Grammar and composition:
Just a couple of things. Unstifled is not a hyphenated word. And a yawn does not have any roaring noise; it's more like a loud aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
What things I liked:
I liked the choice of the topic. I liked the short sentences and the two-line stanzas. I liked your simple language and your imagery.
What things I did not like:
Nothing, really, except for what I have already pointed out above.
Hi! I am Taher and I came to your item through your invite in a different forum. I am honored that you chose to compose a poem on the very day I sent you a missive. Thank you.
Title, rating and brief description:
I have to say this. You really shoot from the lip! Your brief description all but named me. I have not, in any forum or email, ever said that you are an Islam hater. I used the word Islam-basher. There is a fine but real difference between the two terms. This difference is not merely one of spelling, but of intent and purpose. A person who hates something has no rationale for doing so. On the other hand, a person who bashes soem concept usually has some reason to do so, whether the reason is logical or not does not matter.
On a different level, I would urge you to change the tenor of the basic description to a positive one, rather than point to the fact that the poem was written as a reaction to a comment passed by anyone (even if it is me!)
Contents of this item:
Your poem captures the essence of Islam rather well, but from the seventh stanza, it loses its straight path and begins to eulogise and condescendingly advises one fifth of humanity to change. While there is nothing wrong in expressing an opinion, it is amusing that these negative thoughts pervade the rest of the poem that was supposedly written in "praise" of Islam. That rather takes away something from the poem. I'd rather that you re-title your poem to show that there is not just praise, but healthy criticism too.
One more thing. Your statement that the religion has "legal flaws" is a bit of an oxymoron, in the sense that religious truths are outside the purview of courts of human law. If that were not the case, pray tell me why radical Hindus in India scream from the rooftops that they will not listen to the Supreme Court or any court if the courts decide against permitting the erection of a Ram temple at the demolition site of the Babri Mosque in Ayodhya. And I know you will say that I am generalising about all Hindus by quoting an example of the radical groups, but this generalisation does have a rational purpose. It is to show you, sir, that the words "legal flaw" have no real bearing on the diktats of religious leaders.
Beginning and Ending lines:
Why are you so doubtful about the positive traits of Islam when you have yourself listed them in stanzas two through five? That doubt came across rather strongly in lines three and four of the first stanza. The ending is all right, but tends to be in the nature of a hope and a prayer, which is fine too.
Flow and rhythm:
I have said this many times earlier, and I will say it again: your poem is more like a prose statement that has been broken up into poetic lines, and the rhythm is mostly missing.
Format, spacing, indenting, etc.:
No problems with these.
Grammar and composition:
Just one suggestion. In the line "I don’t know much about the
Islamic principles", drop the word "the". This will make the read more enjoyable.
What things I liked:
I liked your quick response, your grasp of basic Islamic tenets and your honesty and forthrightedness.
This was a very touching poem. You have been an observant daughter, describing the last moments of a life lived fully and yet dying in pain. Your agony as well as the bittersweet parting are captured very eloquently.
Hi! I am Taher and I came to your item through a mention on the front page of WDC. This seems to be a fairly newly written poem and I am sure glad I found it and am reading and reviewing it. It is a very good poem indeed.
Title, genre, rating and brief description:
The title is very catchy and draws in the reader. The genres and the description are also appropriate, as is the rating, although I think kids may not appreciate the mature emotions on display here .
Contents of this item:
What a marvellous poem this is. Your expressed emotions are very imaginative and they "show" rather than "tell", which is awesome. A person who truly loves another will be ready to give up everything he has or possesses to get the love he so wants. I think you have expressed this idea very well.
Your commitment to the relationship is best seen in the final two stanzas where you have shown the lover's willingness to go the full distance even if his love is not returned.
Beginning and Ending lines:
Both the beginning and the ending lines are well-crafted and do not lack in substance, emotion or the artistry that is the true hallmark of a good poet.
Flow, rhyme and rhythm:
No problems here at all. The poem flowed easily from the start to the finish. The rhyme is good too.
Grammar and composition:
The use of simple language made it an easy item to review and I, for one, could not find any major mistakes.
What things I liked:
I liked the final stanza very much.
What things I did not like:
Not that I did not like it, but I felt the second stanza is the weakest of all and needs some redoing. Why should a lover ask his beloved to cry and let the tears fall down?
Hi! My name is Taher, and I came to your story through the noticing newbies link at the top page of WDC. Welcome to writing.com. I hope that you enjoy your stay here and get to meet loads of people and write and read loads of stuff.
I am going to review this story in some length. While pointing out the positives, I might also draw your attention to negative things if there are any. Please bear with me as I read the story through before commenting anything at all.
Title, brief description, rating and Genre-type:
The title is a bit heavy since not many Westerners know much about Karma (I am from India, the cradle of both Hinduism and Jainism), although they have all heard about it thanks to Pop music bands and what not. The genre selection, the rating and the brief description are all fine. I think adding the genre "spiritual" instead of "Romance/Love" might work better.
The beginning:
The word "warning" sounded negative since the event you describe has a completely positive look to it. Perhaps saying that it was a fortuitous event might help you do away with both "fortunate" and "un-warned" in the first paragraph. The beginning is very effective and made me want to read further.
The body of the work:
Although I am an Indian, the exact meaning of the idea of Karma has not occurred to me. Your narration of the developing realtionship, your holding back the condition laid down by the woman for accepting the man, and your final explanation of what Karma is are the real nice parts of this story. I liked the way you outlined the internal struggle that the hero experiences as he waits for her nod, as he realises that the woman he loves is about to die and as he prepares to meet a new soul-mate.
The craft of story-telling and the grammar:
There are a small number of errors of grammar and language, but none are too bad. They do not come in the way of understanding this rather lovely and touching story.
The ending and the overall effect of the story:
I am half-convinced about the ending, inspite of your excellent effort in trying to explain the meaning of Karma. I will get there soon, don't worry!
Suggestions for improvement:
I had no recourse but to smile back, a guiltier one and nothing compared to the one she had just bestowed me with. >>> Change the first comma into a long dash and rewrite this to: I had no recourse but to smile back -- a guiltier one -- nothing like the one she had bestowed on me.
I had just started going to the meditation classes, which was being offered nearby. >>>Remove the before the word "meditation" and substitute the "was" with "were" (singular to plural).
I don’t know if it was that or she just got tired of talking to me. >>> the word "talking" should be changed either to "arguing" or "opposing". Why would she tire of talking to the hero?
That's all.
Thanks for a nice read!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Hi! My name is Taher, and I came to your story through the front page of WDC where it was featured as a story by a newbie. So, welcome to the world of WDC. I am sure you are enjoying yourself here, as I did when I joined this amazing site nearly three years ago.
I am going to review this story in some length. While pointing out the positives, I might also draw your attention to negative things if there are any. Please bear with me as I read the story through before commenting anything at all.
Title, brief description, rating and Genre-type:
This is a very sensitively written item, and its personal nature does not take away anything from its general goodness and sensibility. I am very happy with the title, the genres and the brief description. I don't know if the very young people will be able to relate to the deep truths that you have conveyed, but if they do learn a thing or two, why, there is nothing offensive here and therefore the E rating is also approved!
The beginning:
Your start is good, but by adding those funny thoughts in "..." in the end of the first paragraph, you contribute little to the beauty of the first two or three sentences. I mean, why disparage yourself about your age and all that? At the same time, since this is a personal item, you can choose to completely ignore my rant.
The body of the work:
This is beautiful. Commonplace words with deep meaning. Great and simple language. Good showing and not telling. You have painted an accurate and nice picture of the evening without the fans and the lights as your thoughts go off into the deep end of the mind.
The craft of story-telling and the grammar:
Your grammar is almost perfect and the one or two errors do not take away much from the substance of this short story. I have pointed out an error or two below under "suggestions". You tell the story well. At times, telling the world about a deep personal experience can become a daunting job, but I must say that you have gone about it dispassionately and managed to share your thoughts very nicely with the readers.
The ending and the overall effect of the story:
What can I say about such a beautifully logical and romantic ending? Your story is very nice indeed, and yet, it is down to earth. I jsut wish everyone learned to appreciate their loved ones all the time and not wait for the lights to go out!
Suggestions for improvement:
Laying there in the darkness thinking about what that man said, ... "Lying" is the right word. Also, this should be in past perfect tense, so it will look better as "what that man HAD said".
Hi! I am Taher and I came to your item through a scanning of items from Newbies. Welcome to Writing.com and I hope you enjoy it here as much as I have been doing, for nearly three years now.
Title, rating and brief description:
Uh, I agree this is really deep for me to understand! I have read this poem over three times, and each time I think I have it, but I don't! I still don't know where the love and romance are ... The rating and the title are all right, but they give nothing away. The brief description seems to be that of the poet and not the poem - this must be changed!
Contents of this item:
You start off quite nicely, and I am with you almost till line 9, and then I get lost. Are there several girls in the square? Are they all blind and wearing white skirts that are billowing in the wind? Are they too many and intimidate the poet? Or am I imagining all this and the allusion is to something else?
Beginning and Ending lines:
Very forceful ending here, and for once, I believe that your poem can shine out amidst a host of nonspecific drivel that people like us write here on WDC. However, you must convey the thoughts that go through your mind a little more clearly so that the reader can not only grasp the essence of what you are trying to put across, but also exult in the fact that he/she actually understood abstract stuff and so on and so forth.
Flow and rhythm:
No issues here. Your poem has short lines, a small overall length and extremely pleasant use of simple (yet difficult to understand in their correct context) words. Keep that up!
Grammar and composition:
All right. No troubles and no issues to deal in.
What things I liked:
I liked the shortness of the poem, the nice flow and rhythm and the good touch of abstraction in the last three or four lines.
Hi! I am Taher and I am returning this review as a favour for your review to my item.
Title, rating and brief description:
Although the title is very imaginative, you should pay a little more attention to selecting the proper genre and writing a nice short description of the poem.
Contents of this item:
I think you have done an admirable job in tying up a mundane late evening bus journey to a romantic episode of unfinished dreams in the eyes of a sleeping lass. The word "down pour" should be changed to "pour down" so that it is easier on the eye. You must avoid ending two successive lines with the same word as you have done.
I was also surprised that you thought that a girl's youth can get "caged" within the circle of her "soft and bare arms"! I should have thought that the aspect of seeing a girl who is in a semi-asleep state with her hair unruly and her head down between her bare arms is a titillating thought in itself and enough to interest any warm-blooded youth in her vicinity!
Beginning and Ending lines:
The word "bounded" must be changed to "bound"; change "the bus" to "a bus"; remove the "the" before the word "bashful" in the final line.
On the whole, the ending lines are more powerful and insightful as compared to the matter-of-fact and mundane opening lines of this poem.
Flow and rhythm:
The flow was average. It stumbles on lines 6 and 7, and again, in line 13, where the "And" as the opening word steals a bit of the beauty away from a lovely buildup that goes on to make for a nice ending.
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. Welcome to writing.com, and I hope that you have an equally enjoyable stay here as I have been having for over five years. It appears that you too are an Indian. In that case, a double welcome to you.
(But we already know that, don't we? 
)
I had no recourse but to smile back, a guiltier one and nothing compared to the one she had just bestowed me with. >>> Change the first comma into a long dash and rewrite this to: I had no recourse but to smile back -- a guiltier one -- nothing like the one she had bestowed on me.