This is a promising beginning and I will certainly comeback for more.
I have scanned the piece for errors and will list them out for you:
Brunette = uncapitalise
I am neither young nor particularly attractive
An old failed musiciancommaI think Stevecomma I think comma started this thing just to maintain some connection to his youth
my Godcomma everything about her.
the greatest thing about this job is it’s remove the apostropheproximity to
anymore = two words
ad guilt = and guilt
Her to her car, and me to mine. She to her car, and I to mine
keeps my me clean and sober
and I’ve even taking taken a liking to waking up before noon
I have too much at stake and just like every other time I’ve had a lot at stake I am being paranoid that it will all go to hell. = break up into two sentences.
This is a very uplifting prayer and as it is directed at us, I must thank you on behalf of all the readers for wishing such nice things for all of us. In return, I am sure the other readers will join me in wishing you a happy and contented life, free from avarice, poverty, ill-health, loneliness and boredom.
I think your way of writing, that is, from the heart, is the best way to write. At the same time, I think this piece needs some revision. I will take just one paragraph from your item and show you what needs to be done as an example:
“This must be a poor neighborhood, - I figure out, succumbing to the dark socio-cultural stereotypes lurking in my psyche, - with all the fishermen on the peer Hispanic, and all the mothers on the beach overweight.”
-This looks like a thought dialogue. The comma and the dash both serve to enclose a new thought within a larger one, so I think one of these has to go. Here, look at this:
This must be a poor neighborhood, I figure out, succumbing to the dark socio-cultural stereotypes lurking in my psyche, with all the fishermen on the peerpier Hispanic, and all the mothers on the beach overweight.
Don't you think that looks a bit better?
You have mentioned soimething about a fish rising from the water and going back in. Well, the fish is a neutral gender object, so replace the "he" and "him" with "it".
Congratulations on having twins! I can feel your excitement, your pain and your pleasure even as I read this small but upbeat item. You need to replace those numbers with spellings of "two", "three" or "four" as the case may be. It will make the writing look neater and smoother to the reader.
I am reading this poem and am finding it quite good. I think the girl is now a slave to him, regardless of his loyalties and unmindful of the reality which she already understands. There were a few spelling errors, which I will request you to correct:
It appears that you gave a lot of thought to this question before actually sitting down to write this item. The simle truth is that sound is a sound, and both the choices exist - a sound can be made, and it can be heard too. And, of course, the birds and animals who had made the tree their home or their resting perch, are also going to create a ruckus when the tree actually falls.
Mass genocides have occurred in almost all the nations which have been ruled by despots and tyrants. I am, therefore, grateful to you for highlighting this blot in history. You have written with your heart and it is a moving verse indeed. Try and explain what "red, white and blue" is as a foot-note as many readers may not understand the symbolism. I didn't either, as I am not an American, but I presume it refers to the uniform or American honor or its flag. Correct me if I am wrong.
It appears that you gave a lot of thought to this question before actually sitting down to write this item. The simle truth is that sound is a sound, and both the choices exist - a sound can be made, and it can be heard too. And, of course, the birds and animals who had made the tree their home or their resting perch, are also going to create a ruckus when the tree actually falls.
Your poem needs to be read by everyone who feels down in the dumps. It is full of hope. I urge you, however, to sharpen it a little. The title is repeated too often in the poem. A few more errors that I spotted are also listed below.
AllMy life is Isfull ofwishes and dreams
That never come true
Wishes and dreams
Of me
And ofyou
I wish offor stars
What happened to the world
Where wishes and dreams cCame true
Although this poem is not as good as its sister, I admired your effective use of the Figure of Speech of "Repetition". It underscores the difference between a heartless father and his unknowing offspring very clearly. In this poem, the contrast is etched more vividly than in the other poem.
While I have marked this folder among my favourites and will return to it to see all the poems, I must say that your grouping of all the autobiographical-type poems into one folder and our plaint to the reader to at least see this one poem here etc. touched something in my heart. Do keep writing like this.
In a nutshell, what you have written is so true of all traditions and all festivities in all the religions of the world! Globally, mothers are turning into master-jugglers, juggling "house-work" with their "job", their "children" and their "hubbies". Chasing a career has weaned them off chasing their homeliness and their maternal and family instincts.
You are so correct. We must remember what we need to, without getting lost in the daily chores of our life.
Oh my God ... this draft is too confusing to understand. Are Cat S and Yusuf Islam one and the same persons or different? It is also confusing when you move rapidly between the past and the present. I shall await the 2nd draft when it comes, so please advise me accordingly.
The way you bring in real human characters into a neatly woven short story had me hooked. I wish you don't keep on about the fact that you yourself as the author have the same problem. After all, you are mixing up the narration with the story-telling. Apart from these two things, I also felt that the word "auditory" in the first line is totally unnecessary, since you've already described the "Brrring" as a sound (onomatopoiea).
I am impressed with your thoughts and with the way you have gone about writing about your ownself. There are some misspelt words and other small errors, but they can be ignored, at least on this item.
Do take care of yourself and do not let that suicidal bug creep up on you, ever.
It is amazing how much time and effort must have gone in to compile such a long list! I appreciate your candid acknowledgement of the deficiencies in the list and feel that eventually this list will become one of its kind that you can sell to "The Book of Lists" or something like that.
I think this is a promising start to the long story that you have begun in this folder. I just wish this was not in bold type. Try and remove the bold type so that it is easy on the eyes. You also need to check the spelling of "cappucino" which is wrong.
"Brring," went the kitchen timer, giving an auditory signal ...(the word auditory is not needed, since "Brring" conveyed that it is a sound.
Your concern for your mother's "problem" and the way you go about describing it and make light humor of it had my continuous attention!
I partcularly enjoyed your comparison of the problem with the limp of the old dog. I think behind the humor, you were being quite serious and were advocating respect and love for the seniors of the house, be they man or beast.
I request you to once again remove the bold type and change the color from this blue to something pleasing like black, brown, plum or rose.
I think this is a promising start to the long story that you have begun in this folder. I just wish this was not in bold type. Try and remove the bold type so that it is easy on the eyes. You also need to check the spelling of "cappucino" which is wrong.
"Brring," went the kitchen timer, giving an auditory signal ...(the word auditory is not needed, since "Brring" conveyed that it is a sound.
It is amazing how much time and effort must have gone in to compile such a long list! I appreciate your candid acknowledgement of the deficiencies in the list and feel that eventually this list will become one of its kind that you can sell to "The Book of Lists" or something like that.
I am impressed with your thoughts and with the way you have gone about writing about your ownself. There are some misspelt words and other small errors, but they can be ignored, at least on this item.
Do take care of yourself and do not let that suicidal bug creep on you, ever.
Using the metaphor of speed-bumps for the pleasures of life down the fast highway is a very cute and good thing for you to do. I have not rated this a 5.0 because I am not too taken uop with your layout. It's too dreary with long paragraphs and nothing to separate quotes from the rest of the text. Try and "colour" this item up so that we can share the thrill-ride of your life.
Lovely poem. Cute little things that children like are nicely collected by a loving mother who then entreats the child to "approach her and share the loving moments".
Perhaps the first line needs a comma at the end and not a full-stop.
"army" of love ... a not too apt noun there ... but then, it's your choice. Who am I to tell you. I felt that in this very lovingly written poem, this word from wars does not fit. I might have used overwhelming love, loving heart or something like that.
through theall days and nights. How does that look?
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Taher
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/drtaher/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/16
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 6:03am on Jun 17, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Brunette = uncapitalise
Princess didn’t take to anyone else but my boyfriend and I. ... "me" will be the right pronoun for the narrator in this sentence.
Perhaps the first line needs a comma at the end and not a full-stop.