This was a very moving tale and I was impressed by your medical knowledge!
I did find many typos and minor errors and have listed some of them for you to edit. I am sure you will find the others as you edit the piece.
I could only heave a heavy sigh ... I could only sigh heavily.
In my heart was the heavy lead weighted pain. ... That's the third time the word heavy/heave has occurred in the same para. Try and modify this line. Lead and weighted are to be hyphenated. Perhaps this might work: Pain weighted down my heart like lead.
Only I didn’t stop there I went on and on. Add a comma after "Only" and a full-stop after "there".
ceasures ... Is misspelt. Should be "seizures".
Dale, I’m sure could see that I was just barely holding on and quietly led us back off to the truck ... make this begin with: I am sure Dale could see ...
Sure, this will be a great opening to a story. One waits to find out who knocks on the door, and whether that person is an instigator of the malice that the narrator holds in his hand or a rank outsider, or someone from the family who knows nothing about it.
Very good imagery. Here is wishing you the best in developing this story.
What a painful situation you have described. I cna fully understand your feelings at this point. I share your grief. I share your anger too for the drugs and for the drug-peddlers and for the drug-lords and for the impotent governments and for the God above us, Who seems to be doing nothing to stop these bad things.
What a painful situation you have described. I cna fully understand your feelings at this point. I share your grief. I share your anger too for the drugs and for the drug-peddlers and for the drug-lords and for the impotent governments and for the God above us, Who seems to be doing nothing to stop these bad things.
Sure, this will be a great opening to a story. One waits to find out who knocks on the door, and whether that person is an instigator of the malice that the narrator holds in his hand or a rank outsider, or someone from the family who knows nothing about it.
Very good imagery. Here is wishing you the best in developing this story.
Definitely, war is something common people have nothing to do with, and as such the sentiment in your poem is likely to be appreciated by most readers. I feel you should not put up a poem under work for reviewing as each and every word counts!
Let me know when it is finished, and I'll be happy to do a re-rate of this item.
I am sorry to have to give a low rating to this one, but you have admitted that this is not written by you. In all fairness, I feel you should not allow ratings on this one, or acknowledge in the item as to who wrote it.
This may look bad to you, but believe me, it is constructive criticism, since it will help you think about what I said. If you still want to, write back to me and I will revise my rating to a 5. What does it matter anyway to me?
This setting out of the reviewing system and its rules and regulations has been most forthright, easy to understand and done with the utmost clarity. I congratulate you and the SM for this dynamic service that you are doing to the Writers and Readers who are members of this site.
A very nice poll. Remember, there will be guys (and gals) here who think they know it all (the braggarts) and those who are good but truly humble (like me) who stay as "black" cases for years!
I feel that the poll may not throw up accurate answers. But, you already said the poll is for fun. So never mind: just go ahead and have fun'''''''!
Nothing to say. Please hold yourself together for the final moments. But you said you believed in miracles. So now believe. Maybe Robert will survive you ... who knows? Take care ...
Growing as I have in the land of the Mahatma, hunting as such is abhorrent and anathema to me. I will, therefore, definitely join you in prayer, but not for hunting safely, but for hunters to stop hunting and begin to appreciate that every living thing on earth has a right to be on it until God Himself decides to take him/her/it away.
Having said that, I am well-prepared to apologise to you since a counter-argument is also tenable that hunting is like "culling" and it may well help to restore the ecological balance.
By the way, regardless of my opinion, the article or rather the essay, is well written!
A sure-fire ending for others to read the next few editions of this ballad or storoem as you call it! I liked the words that you put in Aldrc's mouth. They are words of royalty, words of fealty and words of bravery.
In my opinion, a story of this calibre needs at least three more installments.
So, a love that stays unrequited. What a sorrowful future must await a young, passionate Gwendolyne who is consigned to be put for God knows how many days in a nunnery!
You write a tight story. One thing I noticed: in each of the installments, the first three or four stanzas are smaller; then, the length of the lines suddenly gets longer. Why is it so?
A sure and simple poem, and yet, it makes for a great story. I do think your life has been checkered enough for you to pen an autobiography of a common man!
Terrific thoughts and lovely rhyming (except at a few places, where it looked a bit contrived!)
Each of your storoems is well thought out and is complete in most respects. The emotions of the fighting men who give up their weapons to play soccer are shown ery ably in this particular item. It makes sense to everyone except to politicians and military lords that war is basically useless and harmful to the health of the community.
You sure have a hilarious way of introducing yourself and your writing. And, you have a fun way of encouraging unregistered writers to sign up on the site! I liked the layout and the answers that were given by you. Your teacher labelled you Rasputin, hmm? Well that's an enjoyable anecdote to read!
Child's beliefs ... what a lovely tale you spun around it! I am yearning for more of your writing after crying silly on this one. Vivian, you are really a gifted writer. Your story of an underprivileged child and her mother being rewarded as they are in here will be enjoyed by readers of all ages and religious beliefs.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! What a marvellous one this was. I am still wondering whether the turkey came first or Cathartes Aura, armed with a sharp wit and a lovely imagination!
This piece was free from any mistake that I could detect. But aboe all, I am rating it a 5 because of its beautiful content that made me sit up and notice you!
This is an outstanding poem of common sense. Filled with the words of wonderment and interspersed with caution, hope, endearments and finally, pragmatism, the poem has a universal appeal.
What a wonderful summing-up of life in its entirety. I appreciate the fact that you have put various skills and issues in separate stanzas. Why did the last stanza exceed the usual length of, say, 8 - 10 lines?
The line :sapped his strength of muscle,: might look better as: sapped his muscles of strength.
Nice take on romance! I don't know if you are aware that the item link to the contest shows "invalid item" here. You might want to edit that. Other than that, I could not find any major errors or typos. I suggest the word "thumping" instead of "jumping" for the description of "hearts" that you have favoured.
Disease-ridden and life-giving should both be hyphenated, friend.
That criticism aside, this painful and sad story really touched me deep inside as the story of a courageous and defiant member of a vanishing race. Of course, as this was a brief story with a word limit, several of the characters could not be properly understood by me as a reader. Perhaps this might serve as a stimulus for you to extend the story a bit further and make it more dynamic and easy to follow.
Your story is full of promise but I am afraid some polishing is needed. Since Sentry is an artificially constructed device, it might be incorrect to address it as "he". Perhaps "it" might be better. Apart from this one aberration, the story flowed smoothly and easily.
"Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor?" Asked the Sentry ... here, capitalisation of the word "asked" looks a bit odd.
-Taher
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"Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor?" Asked the Sentry ... here, capitalisation of the word "asked" looks a bit odd.