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You must be extremely desperate to fabricate a lie to try to hold him down, sis. That lie bit you in the ass and now you don't know what to do. I feel sorry for you. To tell him that you were assaulted and then hurt your body, so that you can look like a victim... sheesh. I hope I never become that desperate. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. But to lie, is even worse. Walk away. Take care of yourself. I hope you get the help you deserve.
I have an obsessed ex friend. she said that she wanted nothing to do with me and I obliged and walked away. I don't force anyone to stay in my life. However, the fact that you are still trying to find ways to hurt me? what the hell is the problem? I left you alone and yet, you find it in your day to try to break me. Let's make this very clear. I'm nice but not stupid. I know when to walk away. But if you continue to poke me I will lash out. Trust me when I say this, you have never seen the bad side of me. Let's hope, for your sake, you wont have to see it as well. I'm trying to be civil. Keep it up and I'll be glad to introduce you to the wrong side of me.
Jon Little (they/them) - I really wish it was just a story. But there are some situations that are a living hell. and she is truly becoming a monster.
Serena Blade - Truly, I do understand. But that is where the best stories come from. And ... I have found it is quite therapeutic to write them out, and then change the ending to something more satisfying.
Jon Little (they/them) - you have a point. I just might. :)
Sometimes I feel silly chasing after you. I sometimes wonder if I am wasting my time. I think I hurt my own feelings because I want your attention and you are too busy doing other things. there are so many inconsistancies. And yet, I hold onto the little things you say to me. Maybe I should see the big picture and realize that I am wasting my time.
How did you get inside my head? These same thoughts have been plaguing me for the past month...
s - maybe because the world is small and we are all dealing with some sort of disaappointment in their lives. stay strong! its hard but we will overcome this one day! i promise.
Am I being silly? I made dinner last night. My nephew comes home and prefers take out. Then I bring some to a friend and my crush. Friend says that he already brought dinner but that he will take him home so that he and his wife can eat it. My crush says he will eat it later, then buys himself a burrito. Before he leaves home he tells me that he will eat the food I brought, tomrrow, since his daughter made him dinner. I was so hurt... still am. I worked really hard and no one cared. I dont even want to cook anymore.
I'll send you my address. I don't pass up kindness... and I'll supply the wine. *Laugh*
Spring in my Sox - Thank you. I appreciate it. maybe they will realize that I dont have to do anything if i dont want too. hopefully they will appreciate it in the future.
πŸŒ• HuntersMoon - maybe next time
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I dont want to fall for you because you are so unpredictable. but at the same time i want to see what will happen. Maybe a heartache, maybe somehting wonderful. all i do know is that when i am not near you, you get really crancky and so do i. but when we are together, we are so happy and carefree. I feel so peaceful in your presence. I don't understand how this can make you run. Is it me? or is it truly because the time is not right. We keep holding on to each other, even though it might not be the best thing to do. but I don't care, I want to stay. But will this kill me? I dunno what to do.
I seem to be doing these alot now these days. I want it to help me like it use to back in the day, my writing. I don't like what is happening to me right now. I have so many emotions porcolating through my body. This is the reason why I don't like to open up to anyone. Because I love hard. It's just sad to know that the one that I always fall for, is no good. Yet, even though I know this I am still trying to nurture the situation, still care for this individual! Why am I doing this to myself. Why can't I be those people that when they know something is no good they just leave. NO! I have to be the dumb butt that still wants to prove something? what that is exactly - I do not know what i want to prove. but i need to remind myself that it doesnt matter what they want, it is what I want. I want peace. that is all i can have that is all i desire. it's just hard. maybe i have to leave out of here and start new somewhere else. but i dont know if I want to do that as well.. I just need to stop...
Then there's idiots like me who fall for friends and want more than they are willing to give, so end up perpetually lonely. Love sux...
s - i know how that feels as well. the real question is how do you know when you are actually doing it right?
This is a lot harder then what I thought. I was fine! Then I come back and I want it to be the same. But that is not the case and I need to be okay with it. I need to keep myself busy until I am okay again. I need to be okay, again.
You'll get there. I don't know what you feel you need to be okay with, but things are always changing, and you will be okay. I have to believe you will be, or I can't believe I will be. So hang in there, friend. Write? Journal? Take care of you. *Heartb*
sorry, buddhangela's broken - Thank you for your kind words. have you ever thought something was going one way and then you realize that it went sideways. now you have to deal with it everyday because you work in the same enviorment. and you wish things were the same but you have to understand that it will never be okay. and you have to be okay with it? yeah... that is what I am dealing with today. lets see what happens tomorrow.
I think I am doing good. I am staying away from this individual. It is true when they say to stay away, so that you can get better inside. Without seeing them, they may try to slip in my mind, but I brush it away and remind myself why I decided to walk away. They said they cared. But forgot to mention that they did not care enough to do anything about it. So, when you say: "You still love me!" I want to scream: "WHO CARES!" These feelings are not valid since there are no actions. I remind myself that actions are more important then words...
I am upset. I am very resentful towards an individual. I should know better and just let it be. But there is that part of me that wants to make them miserable. Because I feel miserable. I did not deserve this. I am a good person. And yet, this only brought me more pain and anger. And I am suppose to be okay with this? Yes... I know better. I am better and I need to let this die. Leave this individual in the past. But I see them and I have to fight within myself in order to be a civilized person. But deep down I want to lash out and hurt you. I realized that I cannot be your friend, ever. It is best that I stay away. And then there is the other side of me that wants to be with you, in hopes that you will change. What a silly thought! You have already showed me who you are! Why am I like this! I'm sick of you and I am sick of me! Sick of it all!!!!
My opinion is people don't change. If they have done what this individual did, you don't need that person in your life. If you see them all the time make a change to another work location even a new job. Get toxic people out of your life and you will not have to lash out. In this case, imagine the person out of your life and consider that their punishment. You will feel a load off your shoulders. The flip side is to show them love and understanding being the better person. You can't heal relationships without love.
tracker - This is very true. No matter how much I care and no matter how much I tried to show them that people were different, situations are different, their own mind put them in their own down fall. they truly think they are no good and that i am better off without them. However, at the same tie, they try to love me and then hate me...all at them same time. I tried and I got tired. I hope this person finds peace, because they can be a good person. if only they could see that themselves. that is the tragedy of their life. :(
Its harder to stick around and watch you become cold and distant. I want you to go so I can live my life instead of always wondering what you are doing. Or how you are feeling. I'll tell u this much, you seem to be perfectly fine to me. While I'm struggling to let you go. Honestly, I hate the fact that I cared for you way more then what you did. And that is literally my fault. I always fall for the wrong person. I wish I could learn. Wish I could tell you to go away. Cause right now you are just lingering. and even though I know that would be best for me, I can't help but want you around. It is hard to let someone go. Especially when you have no other choice. He wants nothing to do with me. I can't wait to wake up one day and no longer care. That is the day I am looking forward too, no longer wanting to see you. What a shame. I thought this was going to be different. Nah, it's all the same. I don't know what else to say, but maybe one day finally say goodbye.
Im so upset right now. So much has happened to me this December. December 8th my brother in law was murdered. Decemeber 15... After trying to with another human being...a potential, it was over before I could comprehend the reason. December 18th found out my dad died in his sleep. ( at the age of 66) I never really had a chance to fix our issues. I'm sorry dad, I hope you went peacefully. A few days later I went to a funeral to bury my brother in law. Had to watch his kids cry because their dad decided to do dumb things and was robbed of his life because of his dumb decisions. I have not had time to really allow my mind to comprehend all of this month. I could only move forward and smile and act as if all is okay. it is... but not really. I want it to feel okay. Im always the rock and I forgot that the rock can get cracks, especially with so much pressure around it. I feel so weird. I want to wake up and feel okay. but I don't know what I can do to do so. I feel very upset about life, about work, love and my...well, life. I'm just messed up right now.
My condolences. It's too much for any one person. Please keep posting here and maybe start a blog. Writing is not the solution for everything, but it can be one small part of helping to deal with life. We're only online, but at least we can see you.
KΓ₯re Enga in Montana - Hello, thank you for the thought. I think that is a good idea. to have a small goal a day, see if that will help me get out of whatever i have right now. appreciate it.
Annette - Hello, I agree with you. i think i need to delve into my writing in order to feel some sort of normacy. i feel like i am so out of place. and i hate the feeling. but i agree with you. thank you. appreciate it.
Happy anniversary πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

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Happy 7th WdC Anniversary!

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         At this point in time I would rather sleep and let time pass me by. Maybe when I wake up, things will be different and I will be okay.
I don't feel motivated tonight. I don't want to be here and work. When I am here I think of you. I know I cannot allow for this to take over me. But I cannot help it. It's how I feel. In time, I know it will get better. I am getting ready for the battle I will fight within myself. When I know you will allow me to walk away because you never really cared enough to hold on to me. You will allow your past to hold you back. And for that reason, as I am fighting to exhume you out of my heart, you will act as if nothing has happened and move forward. It hurts to know this. To see the memories I created with you. To know that I allowed myself to open up and express my love to you. Nothing is ever enough for those that truly are not meant to be. If the time comes and you ask why I walked away I will express myself to you one more time and tell you that I cannot be with someone that refuses to open their heart to anyone. I tried and I failed. I guess time will heal it all but Goddamnit, I hate this. I never get it right. I am always told that I am strong to walk away... One of the many great aspects, one that I am very proud of. But I am so tired. My soul hurts. I have no peace because I opened up my heart. Maybe I shouldn't have. I don't regret it and for that I must now get ready to fight and remove the "what if's" and understand that what was not meant for me, must go for good.
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Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to do the right thing for ourselves. *Care*
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