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Review of Harsh Judges  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Clearly stated, BBW=Uncle! As humans we do tend to have preconceived ideas about things in general and other humans in specific. I suppose this is why trompe l'oeil, (which is a French phrase, meaning "It was painted to look that way," my paraphrase,) is so popular as a decorating technique. The mind tends to "go with the gut" on first impressions. Sadly, first impressions can be fooled as you have proven with your article.

It is often not fair, that first impressions are so prejudicial, but some aspects of life require personal adjustments, since Societal adjustments are often much slower to become reality. I'm a big guy of nearly 200 pounds. I've had the time, the life experience of dealing with the public and the commitment necessary to work at a local hair salon, but I have seen multiple female temps go through the job I've wanted, and I've yet to be considered. It's not fair, but what can I do?

The point is that prejudice is a pervasive human trait. You've pointed this out well. I have simply confirmed your concept with personal experience.

Nicely put. Write on! :D
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Review of The Arrival  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent thoughts, Dear Lady!

Your imagery helps me to live this part of the day, too, even though the late nights of working well past midnight make it difficult for me to see this explosion of life with any regularity. I always enjoy reading your writing because I feel like I am there in the moment of whatever you express.

I love your last words because they remind me of a strong principle of life. Creativity begins "just by showing up." :D
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Review of 7-11  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you so much for the gift! I feel so honored! Be Blessed! :D
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hippychick, this certainly sounds like you. You write in emotional phrases with great imagery. Often your words between periods amount more to being phrases, that are the phraseology of the heart rather than to being exact hard-edged English grammar.

You write like the artist, that I know you to be. In so many ways the words of this wondrously emotive story are like splashes of paint on a new canvass with your hands flailing out in multiple directions almost at once to create some new idea or emotion or piece of boho, that is truly...YOU.

I like the fact, that "the lady's house stands in stark contrast" in which "Her porch is festooned with geegaws: the reflective rounds of discarded CD’s hang from the rafters. Bits of stick, painted and striped, are tied together to form mobiles, and lengths of bottle-caps are strung together like garland." I can see that in my mind, and I hope to see that in reality very soon in a place I have enjoyed living for quite some time, now. ;)

There is a phrase in the third from last paragraph, that seems very sad and emotive. To express, that "the young man" was imagining a mother in a home "full of life rather than the death that she instead created for herself" seems to express a very depressed mother or one, who had committed suicide.

The abiding message of this piece is "...she still touches the world..." and "...she follows them although she never seems to leave her chair on the porch." Our lives do, indeed impact our world merely because we exist. We were created to do this. :D

What a memorable character! What a memorable piece!

Great start, My Dear! Write on! :D
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Review of Full Circle  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an excellent poem, written in a running, quickly-moving, emotive style. Impassioned love draws two lives together like magnets. Just like magnets one cannot pull away from the other without the same magnetic force drawing, pulling, desiring for reconnection with the dearly loved one.

The emptiness, that ensues from a broken relationship symbolizes a torn heart, a distracted mind, a forever-changed life.

Similar emotions turned me into a poet so many years ago. Thank you for letting me emote as I reflected upon your poem.

Stylistically, the first part of the poem has a slower rhythmic four-count per line, which waves into two-count lines, then back to four-count & three-count, but in the middle of the poem, the paces quickens to two-count lines as the passions and emotions run high. As to rhyme scheme the poem is much more free verse.

In short, the pace of each line seems to mirror the emotion that the characters are experiencing.

Nicely done! Write on! :D
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Review of Deny Me Not  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Grumpy Bart, this certainly is a stylized free verse poem. Some of the sensory touch points remind me a little of pulp fiction. "Lips brush,...droplets,...icy,...against...skin,...hand seeks,...slippery,..." This seems to illustrate a great deal of fluid, hot, steamy passion, which if that was your intent, then you definitely hit your mark.

I really like the concept, that end the piece, "Deny me not...any second, except those spent without you." Strong wording to emphasize, that you want to be with your loved one.

There is no consistent rhyme, nor rhythm, which is obvious. There is just a great deal of desire to be close.

Great beginning! Write on! :D
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for the mention, Sam! Your words are always so encouraging! You are a great friend! :D
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Review of Writing.Com 101  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a nice lay-out. I will endeavor to explore it more in the next few days and weeks.

I am having a little difficulty finding specific groups. I was told, that the are poetry groups on WDC, but I can't find them per se.

How should I search for groups?

I have found one writer here, who has become a good friend. We have a good conversation going.

I guess I'm such a newbie, that I am still not effectively using the NAG group...

In some ways I feel like an inexperienced swimmer flailing over the Mariana Trench.

Maybe I just need a couple of tandem parachute drops onto the target area. Thanks for the forthcoming help. I'm sure I will make a go of it sooner or later. :D
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Review of On The Verge  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
As you have said you have the beginnings of a very good story.

The following thoughts are just my opinions, so please take them for what they are worth to you.

I have a few notes, that would make the reading a little easier for me, and possibly others like me. In the fourth line, "...those blue marbled eyes..." would read better as "...those stunning blue eyes..." for the reason, that "marbled" is a difficult adjective for me. It always seem to remind me of a playing marble. I hope that doesn't seem too silly.

In a similar way, "...glistened upon you..." seems a little formal for this story. "...glistened at you..." sounds to my ears more like the consistent style of the story.

The eyes of a girl do have great effect on the heart of a young man in love. Well told. You have left me wanting to know more.

Write on! :D
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for entry "Stubborn Dreams " Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
WOW! Excellent, Carly! Shades of "It's a Wonderful Life!" Being noble is important, yet as we live this way of life we find, that personal sacrifice is almost always part of the bargain.

Family is very important to Daisy, which is as it should be. However, Damon is interested in starting a new family or at least have her to himself.

Decisions! Decisions!

Carly, you have captured nicely this very common experience of life. To honor one commitment we have to dishonor (or at least give a lower priority to) another commitment.
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Review of Back to school  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The desire to be loved and needed is so very real in every one of us. The last line of your piece showed just how much Liz did care about the friendships she felt were lost, even thought she tried to portray a tough and unfeeling exterior.

Though I am many years out of college, your work reminds me of some painful experiences, that I, too, had, making the story as fresh as today's newspaper.

Nicely expressed!

As to grammar and punctuation, it would make my reading a little easier, if you took notice of a couple of items. Personally, "Whys that?" would be better written as "Why's that?" since the apostrophe shows that the "i" is missing.

Maybe the rules of English have changed in the past few years, but "...the anonymity she so desperately seeked out..." is an expression, that is a little uncomfortable to this reader's eyes. May I offer some options, "...the anonymity she so desperately sought out..." is correct English, but seems a bit stilted for this piece. Maybe, "...the anonymity she so was so desperate to find..." could be an acceptable option for maintaining both good English and the sense of this piece of writing.

Again, these are my thoughts. I hope at least a few of them benefit you.

Keep writing! You obviously have skills! :D
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Review of Noticing Newbies  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Ruwth! I like your avatar because Jesus IS Lord!

So far as East - West living goes, I think we just about switched places. I was born in Fort Worth, Texas, but I started elementary school in Oklahoma, where I was born again. Now, we live in Georgia.

Ergo, I was born in the West and now live in the East. You were born in the East and now live in the West.

Glad to meet you! :D
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Review of Wasting Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Prosperous Snow, this is a great perspective on the subject of Time. Time is depicted as a black cat, which is ominous, dark and spurious in motive. Black cats fade into the background, keeping us off-balance as to its next move. This holds a strong similarity to Time, which is always with us in this life, rarely telegraphing its motives or intentions.

I remember haikus in pattern, but I am less familiar with sedokas. Thank you for the lesson. Very good poem. Nicely done.
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nicely done, Rhyme Maven! In years past I had a greater amount of hope, that my vote could make a difference in Washington. Now, I'm not so sure. It seems more like a shell game without a ball under any shell. It has become an elaborate game of charades.

Your A-A-B-B rhyme scheme and lilting gait make this poem easy to read.

Just before I read your poem, I posted something I had just written. They could be twins. (Your post was at the bottom of my post page as a suggested/related title. Frankly, I think they are more than just distance cousins.) :D

 
STATIC
...And Now We're Out of Carrots Open in new Window. (E)
Politics feels like a mule chasing a carrot, that is always out of reach. Now, no carrots.
#2091591 by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Network Marketing  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Pavann3008, your concept is good. It has been called, "Failing Forward." Just as we learn to walk by taking a step, and then falling, by taking two steps and then falling, and then again and again, doing the same thing, until we learn how to walk, we can fail in our careers, until we become successful, when we do not quit. (Study the story of J.C. Penney.)

I have seen a quote, that is something like this, "To fall is not a failure. To stop getting up is a failure."

As an ESL teacher I see your style of writing has a few errors of syntax, tense and word order. This article can be improved to sound more like a native speaker, if you will have someone to help you to edit these little details.

These are my opinions. I hope they are helpful to you.

You have good ideas. Please, continue to write them for us to read. :D
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice creation, Jellybean!

The rhyme scheme starts out A-B-C-B, but then changes verse by verse like a white canvas changes as the painter paints on layer after layer of paint.

Like a butterfly which does not light on any one flower for any length of time, the thought takes flight and the reader is gone with it!

Thanks for the privilege of reviewing your poem. :D

Nice work. Keep writing.
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Review of Endure the Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Timothy, this is an excellent piece in so many ways. For one, I am a runner, who has completed two marathons in my lifetime. I have attempted an ultra-marathon, but I didn't finish. That is the connection for me with your wonderful story.

The reading of the story mirrors the race in so many ways. The words you use are often not common. Ergo, the reader is forced to stretch linguistically, like the runners are forced to stretch as athletes. I have already had to search for the definitions of "crepuscular" and "gelid."

"TheÂ" is in the 10th paragraph. It appears to be a typing error.

Your usage of "blister-full" is certainly understandable. However, may I suggest, that "blister-ridden" might play better in the style of writing. This is just my impression.

I am enjoying the story line as I can perceive it, but I must confess the at-times-extreme verbiage does slow my progress measurably. However, if this is your purpose, which seems to match the stresses of ultra-distance racing, then you have hit your goal dead-on. (I often do this in my poetry. I try to illustrate the point of my poem by the choice of words and rhythms used.)

In many ways this reads like a runner in the race with a little bit of the mental confusion mixed in to boot. My best marathon was about 3:38 in my prime, which means an ultra-marathon is woefully out of reach for me, physically, but not beyond my imagination.

100 elite runners in the Western States 100? I believe it! More than 60% would not finish the race? Very conceivable!

"...his body has exhausted all its resources..." About the fourth paragraph from the end I believe the "has" should be changed to "had," since this a recounting of the story. The tense of the verbs needs to be consistent throughout the paragraph.

"The voices thou..." I like King James English as well as the next guy, but I believe the word here is "though." ;)

"Just don't go to fast now..." Please, use "too" here. Thanks.

Nice touch at the end with the father remembering the Western States Medal of many years ago as he trained his son for things to come. I remember those days of running exploits and my current gratitude of being able to walk 3-4 miles in a day now.

These are my many thoughts as I read this intriguing story. I hope I haven't seemed too critical, but I was reading it in much the same way as I would read my own work for editing purposes.

I understand the story very well. I can relate to much in this story. However, it is due to my background as a runner, that kept me going through the nearly one and a half hour reading.

As I've said before there is great similarity between the writing of the story and the running of the race. Few will attempt the race. Fewer still will finish the race. Yet, the sense of accomplishment in completing such an arduous task is as much of a trophy as the medal around the neck.

I hope my review of your work is helpful and encouraging. You have great potential as a writer and obviously great experience as a runner!
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Excellent thoughts, Angel Rose!

I like the poetic verse, that I find in the King James Bible. Psalm 139:12 says, "Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee."

How wonderful that strength does not reside in darkness! Darkness is but the absence of light, and as you so masterfully put it...
"Your nights are filled with with darkness.

"Not perpetual, though, for there are millions of stars in the sky and a huge shining moon up high." There is no perpetual darkness, even in the night because The LORD places points of light in the night as He places Christians on the Earth. (I did add a comma after the word, "though," since it helped the reading for me. I hope you don't mind. I would like to suggest an exclamation point at the end of the second line to the end to correspond with the word, "How.")

Excellent!

Be encouraged, Young Sis, for I assume that you are a believer, due to your moniker and the subject of this poem.

Be Blessed! :D
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Review of Notebook Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nicely done, Poolé. There is, indeed, less of ourselves in a photograph than in a drawing.

As a photographer I know this all too well. As I write this I am looking at a photograph that I affixed to a canvas many years ago, painting over the highlights and out onto the canvas with acrylic paint. The point is that I made it more my own, when I used more than just my eyes. We are strongly agreed.

Your format is nicely balanced down the center line of the page. This is free verse with no perceivable rhyme scheme. This plays well with the subject matter.

As someone, who loves nature and who shares your interests, this was a pleasant poem to read.

Please, write more of these. :D
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Review of Escape Artist  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow, ZE, escape times two. I think you captured the concept quite well.

Being an actor myself, this seems like a two to three minute scene in a much larger play. You may want to explore the background of her life as to why she has such dicey interaction with men. She obviously handled herself well in some rather tough scenarios.

No doubt that is the reason for the spicy language and the 13+ rating.

I, for one, hope that this young lady will escape the bad scenes right into a happy ending, that will need no more escaping. Maybe that would be a good take on this story, the escape artist escaped from the bad life of experience into a wonderful life of the hoped for.

That is another actor's perspective and I hope it helps.

Keep writing plays. You, obviously, have great passion for the genre. :D
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Review of World Peace  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Actually, Prosperous Snow, I like it just the way it is right now. It gives an interesting twist on a very familiar story. It makes it sound like the cat is really over any residual fear and is now ready for "some serious business."

Forgive me, but the tension between the present and the potential future makes me wonder if the title would be more accurately served to be instead, "Whirled Pieces." XD

In a slightly humorous way, all war seems to be living out the phrase, "Fighting likes cats and dogs!"

However, world peace has truly come to my home. Every day I have the privilege of seeing three cats nuzzling up to our Australian Shepherd, enjoying very peaceful naps. :D

The brisk cadence and free verse style married with the subject quite handily. Nice job! :)
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are great thoughts!

We start with the rose, moving to the snow drop, then landing on the "climbing white jasmine," where the rest of this free verse poem is an exultant dance, extolling the love of our children. Family love lasts forever! It is unconditional. There are no strings attached.

Technically-speaking, this is free verse and no perceivable rhythm nor rhyme of which I am aware. Yet, these facts play well with the theme of unconditional love in which no expectations are placed upon the loved one.

Nicely done!
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is an excellent testimony, Lady Jeannie!

I, too, have found it encouraging to write, especially since speaking has often been difficult in my life. It has been very intimidating to look people in the eyes. With writing, I don't have to look at anyone to express my thoughts.

The diligence and camaraderie with other children, regarding your writing, is a great example for children and adults, who think writing might be a skill for them.

The personal, conversational tone of the article draws the reader into your world. I, for one, am very grateful to visit there.

Excellent work! :D
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Review by Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is well written and the message is accurately stated. This is a message for the ages and for all people.
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