|Thank you, Jade Amber, for the privilege of reviewing your good short story with some very interesting characters. I hope my words will encourage you as you grow as an excellent writer.
Congratulations on being selected as a featured Showcase Profile in the Newbies Academy Group for the month of April, 2017!
Overall Impression: You have so many tasty morsels in this story, Jade! It really seems like it could be a much larger story or even a series of stories. In some regards I think you have epic narrative with elements that remind of Star Trek and Star Wars. You appear to have created a story in which Doctor McCoy is the lead character as well as being a much younger, female version of the good Doctor.
I really think you've got something here, My Dear!
Suggestions: There are some plot twists and turns that I appear to have missed because I WAS looking for them. However, knowing you I expect they will be included in the next installment of this saga. I just need to keep reading.
For instance, the foursome had a super easy escape from the jail and from the planet. Now knowing you as that different sort of writer you are, who likes to make her own new mark on the world, I'm thinking, "Maybe that's it! This foursome is so gifted that they put a version of Smeagol's Precious around the space ship in some way and shifted into hyper-drive so fast that no even Sauron could keep his eye on them.
I guess I just missed having Han Solo blasting his way off the Death Star as he headed back to Tatooine or some other exotic locale, but that's just me.
In another way I was noticing that the big dotted line between the end of the main story and the epilogue holds an entire new story (or maybe two or three stories.) How did Hazana and Japame start their relationship and finally get married? That has got to been a fascinating backstory that I would dearly love to read. What was it like for Hazana to become a mother? What is it like for her to have two children in her life now? Where do Trudy and JJ live? What is life like in that other town or on that other planet?
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: Jade, there were a few things that gave me pause to consider as I read your story. I have listed them here with my suggested corrections because I recognize them as similar things that I find when I reread my own stories and poems for three or four times before and after posting. Most of these things seem to happen because I get so excited about telling my story or the emotions of my poem that I'm "thinking faster than I can type" accurately. Reading my own words over and over and over again are of critical importance to me as I present my work to the world. I hope something I say will make sense for you like it seems to help me.
"Thanks, Japame!" I say, then dug into the food. If we change the word, "say" to "said," then both of the verbs will be in the same past tense. My English teacher in high school stressed the importance of verb tense agreement within sentences as well as within entire paragraphs. I'm not perfect at this, but I do try to do this. The corrected version would be, "Thanks, Japame!" I said, then dug into the food.
We walked to the court house, where my trial was to be taken place. In verb tense agreement the verb, "taken" would be best changed to "taking." "...where my trial was to be taking place.
She looks at me, and reply: "Yes." Again, this is another instance of a verb tense agreement issue. "She looks...(she) replies." Also, a comma is used rather than the colon. She looks at me, and replies, "Yes."
She stays silent, but nod. Verb tense agreement needs an "s" at the end of "nod." She stays silent, but nods.
"Hey, we're almost arrived on the same spaceship! I'm Number 2,738.5!" I think this could be an instance of simply "thinking faster than the fingers can type." Could it be like this? "Hey, we must have arrived on the same spaceship! I'm Number 2,738.5!"
"You do know what how to drive a spaceship, don't you?" Again, an exciting story can make the thinking go faster than the typing fingers. Just drop the word, "what." "You do know how to drive a spaceship, don't you?"
What I Like: I like this fast-paced story about a strong and determined young lady, who knows what she wants to achieve in life and she chases it with all her heart. She sounds like someone else I know personally.
Thank you for taking the time to read and to accept my review! You have a great story or a series of stories here. Continue to give us great details because you know how much we all like to know everything there is to know about the characters of our favorite stories as well as the real people in our lives.
Great Work, Jade! WRITE ON!