I like this quite as much as the other poem you have posted, (Using Up My Words). So many glimpses of your inner life, and exquisitely expressed. The opening two lines are my favourites, although they are but two amongst many. 'Unaware the true art of listening, Is hearing what was never said.' - a rare insight, and of course listening requires more effort than mere hearing.
I do hope that you post more poetry here, this is amongst the best that I have read on WDC.
This is simply wonderful. I especially liked 'And you made me feel so blue,
Until it became my favourite colour.', but these lines are just the cream of a very rich crop.
The four line stanzas seem self contained, and related to one another. They seem to be sharing the protagonist's insights about themself, and their relationship with the world, but also, I think, with someone special to them.
The rhymes on the second and four lines of each stanza don't feel forced, and because the first and third lines do not rhyme, they don't sound twee. Which means your poem sounds pretty good when read aloud.
Some of the lines are a little long, 'Collecting the freedom that ripples through the broken cages', in particular might benefit from being tweaked and shortened, but this is a minor quibble. Excellent writing. Thank you for sharing this.
This intriguing little tale hints at much larger stories. There is a conversation between a transcendent, who has never been human, and a Japanese man, who seems eligible to transcend, but hasn't. Nothing is resolved as such, but the transcendent learns a little from him and promises a return with more questions.
As a reader I am left wondering what started humanity moving, and continuing to move towards transcendence, so much so that the population is dwindling. And my question is not so much 'why?', as 'how?' Then I'm wondering, where do transcendents, (if they can actually be called that), that weren't once human actually come from?
I really enjoyed reading this through a few times. It would be great to read more and perhaps discover some answers.
What a beautiful evocation of the month. I really like the way you have used the Trois-par-Huit form here, the poem has such pleasant and appropriate imagery, I particularly love line two.
I see that this is themed as Dark, but I have to say, I think it is rather beautiful. Relatives that have predeceased the protagonist helping her to move on, and a calm understanding resolution. I hope the dog will be alright. That's the power of a story like this, you've made me care about the protagonist, and her dog. The ending was a complete surprise, and I read it twice in a sort of disbelief. Really well written, and most impressive.
Very impressed with the character that you've created. I especially liked that you made it clear Matilda doesn't care a great deal about the rules too much, and then demonstrated this in a very 'shocking' manner. There were plenty of absorbing details to maintain interest, and it was well paced.
I'd definitely enjoy reading more about this resourceful and clever gum-shoe, so your backstory is a winner. Look forwards to seeing your novel at some point.
Utterly brilliant. Love the imagery that you've employed, the cat's attitude, pretty much everything about this poem is perfect. I think you have captured the essence of the uncollapsed event here. The deja vu moment near the end with the slight twist to another reality is clever indeed. Never thought of Schrödinger's Cat as having half lives before, another stroke of genius.
This has to be one of the strangest pieces I've read in a while. My only problem with it, is that it leaves so many things unanswered. Like why did he take his pants off? You've written a fascinating script, and I'd love to see where you'd take it next. I'm not greatly familiar with the correct way to present a script, but it looked fine to me, and I didn't see any typos either.
Firstly, yours is one of the best hooks I have seen, 'Featuring private investigators, London commuters and bacon sandwiches.' How could I not want to read!
I admit to misreading, and was vaguely puzzled as to how or why Mrs Clifton’s stalker had sprayed her with signature scent, then I felt really foolish as the sentence clicked into making proper sense.
You've written a great short story, with a neat little twist. I didn't spot any typos, nothing was missing, in short - excellent. Thanks for brightening my evening.
What is intriguing about your short story is that it reads a lot like a conventional science fiction, "We've all got to get off Earth, because it's doomed' plot, and yet there are elements that seem to describe a spiritual journey. This is of course supported by the genres that you selected for the story.
What I think is needed, is more to go on, development that will place who is speaking, what his or her relationship to Jenaya. I find a really useful way to develop a tale, is to try and ask the questions that anyone reading what I've written so far would be likely to ask. For example, what is happening that specifically is driving the protagonists desire to leave Earth?
One sentence I think needs looking at is "Later I entered the cadet school, where after hard training we were ready to fly." It starts with 'I', but ends with 'we', who does we include?
Overall I like what you've written so far, and it would be great if you could add some flesh to the bones. Welcome to WDC, I hope you find it helps you to write more, and enjoy doing so.
I sent a really detailed review of your piece, but weirdly it came back 'Invalid Author', not sure what that's about, so I'll try again. Your scary tale of the ██████ was very original, no wonder it stirred up so much interest with the various agencies that look after [REDACTED]. I hope it won the contest, but sadly I think ██████ is a rather divisive subject.
Love the subversive way you've done this, very original approach. Keep ██████ !!!
Writing about something that you love is always a great idea, because that love will show through. Despite this being a short piece, your enthusiasm for the keyboard shines through.
There are a couple of tweaks that might improve it a little, and it is worth editing your poems, if only so you don't see the same corrections mentioned over and over.
On the end of the first line you have the item number, which should probably go. The other point is that the keyboard starts out as an 'It', but ends up as a 'He'. If this is your intention then obviously it doesn't need changing, but you might consider changing lines to be consistent throughout, "He is white and black....", "..my mood, I make him sing" etc.
Hope this is helpful, but always it's your poem, please feel free to ignore what doesn't fit with how you are trying to express yourself. Welcome to WDC, hope to see more of your work.
Terrifying. This is the sort of thing that upsets me immensely when I read about it in the papers, hits close to home too. My first wife died of cancer and left me with two young sons to care for and support.
Really well written short story, absolutely packed with emotional impact. The religious addition made the story interesting, giving an unusual way to tell the story using a dialogue. Not sure what would happen next, guess I'd have to pin hopes on the infinite mercy clause, because murder suicide is pretty definitely a sin. I liked the use of italics to emphasize that Barb's comments were otherworldly, or inside Rick's head, depending on preference of interpretation.
Willie Pete sounds unpleasant, but then he is a character 'writ large', and exaggerated for comedic effect. I was a bit surprised that more wasn't made of the irony of his death, choking to death on a fish bone, when the funeral eulogy reveals that about the only thing he did like was fish.
I noticed a couple of typos: " As a youngin, Willie's mother, Mrs Emmeline Pete, would encourage him to 'go and play outside' " I'm sure that A with a hat has a name, though I couldn't say what it is, but I don't think it should be there anyway.
" Well, it came to pass one day that old Willie Pete did too," should that be old Willie Pete died?
My poor old eyes had to squint at the very small font, making it larger might encourage more readers?
Overall, I enjoyed reading about Willie Pete, despite his misery gut attitude, This is well written, and I could easily imagine it being read aloud to great effect.
What a fascinating conversation, and I actually learned something. I have to say that I'm not keen at all on wasps, I didn't know that hornets were more discerning about who they sting. Mind you the only time I saw a hornet the sheer size of it was pretty terrifying.
Loved your use of "z's" and Zazparilla is a beauty of a name. Now I am going to wonder how a hornet had heard of 'Androcles and the lion'. You gave Zeke a definite personality, it is easy to see why this was the contest winner.
I am... seeing a pattern here. Your poem is simple, but I think actually also really clever. Given that you use 'I am' no less than 16 times, it could have been a very self centred piece. Yet it isn't, instead, it is life affirming, positive and uplifting.
The conclusion is the best line though, and it made me smile.
The only suggestion I can make for improvement is one someone kindly made to me after I posted my first poem, and that is - increase the font size to make your poem stand out on the screen.
A beautiful poem, I hope you write and share many more.
I'll start with the complaint here, to get it out of the way. It's really hard to review something so well written, There I've said it. No apologies.
Having got that out of the way - I thoroughly enjoyed reading your short story. You told me everything I needed to know, (less common than you may think). Why the protagonist was there, what she thought about the others, expectations compared to reality - it's all here.
You use some lovely expressions, this for example is my favourite: "Suddenly, I was in a sinking boat of my own making with my confidence abandoning ship. " I think it could use a comma between 'making' and 'with', but the words are perfect. Definitely appreciate the dashes of humour you sprinkle in.
Your descriptions make great use of clothing to help convey character, without overdoing it, and I could hear the professor speaking, and watch his moustache dance.
To sum up, I note the genre you chose is 'Personal', (you could also perhaps of added 'Writing' as a secondary genre). If the protagonist here is you, there is no doubt whatsoever that you are an author. Not only that, but a really good one if this is anything to go by.
Unusually for me, I had read about Ronaldo's achievement on the BBC news and sport website, so I actually knew what you were writing about, (I have very little interest in sport).
Your writing is clear, fact filled and really well presented. It's clear that you've a lot of knowledge about Ronaldo, and you give a concise history of his career, and plenty of supporting titbits of information. This is how information should be conveyed, you've done a great job.
Unhesitatingly give this 5 stars. I hope we see more of your writing on WDC.
An interesting opener, that shows promise of being a really good tale. The main criticism I have of it is that the spacing becomes erratic towards the end, and could be improved throughout.
Leaving spacing between paragraphs, and between lines of dialogue greatly improves the presentation of a piece, and makes it easier to read, more it makes it attractive to read.
You develop your protagonist nicely, giving us her background, explaining why she's travelling etc. Then the chance meeting with a cop, who turns out to be someone she knew from home. His offer to give her a ride back on his bike is obviously going to lead somewhere. Having him volunteer that he has leave due might make the offer seem less unlikely.
The last paragraph is very rushed though, we go from her being left to her own devices to seemingly planning the trip with Johnathan, with no transition. Definitely needs splitting into two paragraphs (at least), or perhaps expand the chapter a little, have them go to a bar and sort out their trip, whilst rekindling their old relationship.
Overall, I enjoyed reading your story, and would be inclined to read more of it. I didn't notice any errors to distract from my read. Really good start, and I hope you use WDC to show us more of your writing.
I can see this has garnered a lot of five star reviews. Sad to say that I'm going to add yet another five star to your haul. This is so darned clever, but it is also poetic. Structured, perfectly rhymed - it reads beautifully, even as it leads us to draw all the wrong conclusions. Ah that twist - bravo - superb. This deserves all the accolades.
Your plot is interesting, what I also find interesting is that you focus on how everyone looks, especially their hair which always merits very detailed descriptions.
Didn't actually find many mistakes at all. One typo "Nblain would always get what he wanted" - obviously your finger slipped when typing Blain.
One thing that would improve this for me would be some explanation from Jax as to why he fell out so drastically with Blain that he was prepared to kill him.
You develop the character of the protagonist well, though it did seem a little odd him telling us what he looked like. The first line states that his family 'lost the house', and I confess I was expecting him to describe how that happened. I don't think the story did, it describes something that subsequently happened. I wasn't even 100% sure if the trip to Corktown was the result of the house loss, so I feel this needs to be made more explicit - did the gambler father lose the house through gambling?
Another bit that is 'fuzzy', (to me), - was he in a new school? It seems unlikely as he appears to know the layout of the halls - and he knows the names of the bullies.
Overall though I liked this - it has a solid plot - it moves forwards at a good pace, and within the restrictions imposed by its short length - it develops the protagonist as someone real. A bit of polish - maybe tone down the hair descriptions -and it could be a great short story. I can see why you'd be proud of it - it's a clear sign that you can write.
A nicely written short piece for the Writer's Cramp. Given it's short length, you've done a great job of making the characters real. I did wonder as to the lack of mention of their parents though. We aren't told the reason for the gathering, but it reminds me of Dylan Thomas' descriptions of Christmas - that's meant as a compliment.
Secrets must be irresistible to children, and you've brought this out nicely, but also something of their characters being well brought up and respectful. They are curious, and in no way mischievous though they aren't supposed to be in Uncle Johnny's room.
This is a strange tale, did the Captain grow a tail by the way? What struck me most about it is that everything the Captain tells us seems matter of fact. There is no explanation as to why he was in the dark alley and able to hear the three men in black. Even more perplexing is that Randy knows that a new drug has been smuggled into the country by three men, but no one has ever seen them. How does he know that there are three men, if no one has ever seen them?
When Randy points his gun at Joseph, he subsequently says “Oh, My God! Randy, are you okay?" - This should be: "Oh my God! Joseph..."
The logic of not mentioning the three men so that the others don't get worried is really odd. Wouldn't it make more sense to warn their colleagues about the danger of touching anything the three men have - especially strange powders?
I notice that this is fan-fiction - I'm afraid I don't know what the source might be, that might have helped.
Overall, I would say that this is an interesting framework for a story, but that it needs a fair bit of work - tightening up the plot, and extending the descriptions and details of the action.
There is a lot I like about your poem, and especially the third stanza is very good, and made me smile.
Despite the syllable count wandering a bit, between 7 and 11 syllables per line, this doesn't on the whole detract from how the poem sounds when read aloud. It trundles along nicely, and the commas are used properly to indicate pauses, which helps the flow.
A couple of things bother me though, one is that the 'voice' of the poem changes from impersonal: 'one's enemy'; to shared: 'our pride', 'we will ride'; back to impersonal: 'their minds'; to shared: 'Killing us', you get the picture. I'm not sure this is wrong, but it did jump out at me on my second read through.
The other quibble I have is with the fifth stanza, and specifically the last line seems forced. I suspect the way to remedy this might be to add a couple of syllables to each of the last two lines.
Overall, it's a fun poem, and uplifting. On the whole it sounds great when read aloud.
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