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77 Public Reviews Given
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Have to say, I have no idea why you had to write this - that's not a criticism though. I read it as a result of a random 'Read & Review' click. If I had to guess I would say I think you must get requests - and this is a list of what you aren't willing to write about.

Two things struck me - first and most important - I'm surprised it is rated 'E' for everyone - it covers some pretty adult fetishes and the rating probably needs adjusting to reflect this.

Secondly as a list it would read a lot better if you spaced it more - blank lines between each list entry would help - maybe use indentation too. Headings could be made more obvious using increased font size, bold and or underline.

You use a couple abbreviations that I'm not familiar with 'NTR' and 'AU' - but I am guessing that your expected readership would know so this probably isn't an issue.

Hard to rate this, since it is a functional work, I'm going with a 4 because I'd like to see it better spaced.
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Review of Backlash  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your plot is interesting, what I also find interesting is that you focus on how everyone looks, especially their hair which always merits very detailed descriptions.

Didn't actually find many mistakes at all. One typo "Nblain would always get what he wanted" - obviously your finger slipped when typing Blain.

One thing that would improve this for me would be some explanation from Jax as to why he fell out so drastically with Blain that he was prepared to kill him.

You develop the character of the protagonist well, though it did seem a little odd him telling us what he looked like. The first line states that his family 'lost the house', and I confess I was expecting him to describe how that happened. I don't think the story did, it describes something that subsequently happened. I wasn't even 100% sure if the trip to Corktown was the result of the house loss, so I feel this needs to be made more explicit - did the gambler father lose the house through gambling?

Another bit that is 'fuzzy', (to me), - was he in a new school? It seems unlikely as he appears to know the layout of the halls - and he knows the names of the bullies.

Overall though I liked this - it has a solid plot - it moves forwards at a good pace, and within the restrictions imposed by its short length - it develops the protagonist as someone real. A bit of polish - maybe tone down the hair descriptions -and it could be a great short story. I can see why you'd be proud of it - it's a clear sign that you can write.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.0)
This reads as though you'd taken a script for an old fashioned comedy show, and written it as prose. Sad to say, but I feel it would be much better as a script. This is because there is a lot of dialogue back and forth between the two characters Little Henry and Stinky, much of what you've written is 'Little Henry said', or 'Stinky said', because otherwise it would be easy to lose track of who said what. A script would be easy to follow, and we could concentrate more on the dialogue.

I did notice that in the second paragraph, in the sentence that begins "So as little Henry's buddy Stinky" the 'l' of Little Henry is lower case, whereas it is upper case throughout the rest of the work.

Odd that Stinky would be able to look for a familiar car, and yet not know what Little Henry's sister looks like.

I could imagine this as a very fast patter piece between a couple of pals, either on stage or the radio. It's got a very old-timey feel and appeal to it.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
A nicely written short piece for the Writer's Cramp. Given it's short length, you've done a great job of making the characters real. I did wonder as to the lack of mention of their parents though. We aren't told the reason for the gathering, but it reminds me of Dylan Thomas' descriptions of Christmas - that's meant as a compliment.

Secrets must be irresistible to children, and you've brought this out nicely, but also something of their characters being well brought up and respectful. They are curious, and in no way mischievous though they aren't supposed to be in Uncle Johnny's room.

Excellent writing.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This is a strange tale, did the Captain grow a tail by the way? What struck me most about it is that everything the Captain tells us seems matter of fact. There is no explanation as to why he was in the dark alley and able to hear the three men in black. Even more perplexing is that Randy knows that a new drug has been smuggled into the country by three men, but no one has ever seen them. How does he know that there are three men, if no one has ever seen them?

When Randy points his gun at Joseph, he subsequently says “Oh, My God! Randy, are you okay?" - This should be: "Oh my God! Joseph..."

The logic of not mentioning the three men so that the others don't get worried is really odd. Wouldn't it make more sense to warn their colleagues about the danger of touching anything the three men have - especially strange powders?

I notice that this is fan-fiction - I'm afraid I don't know what the source might be, that might have helped.

Overall, I would say that this is an interesting framework for a story, but that it needs a fair bit of work - tightening up the plot, and extending the descriptions and details of the action.
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Review of Going Bananas!  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is a lot I like about your poem, and especially the third stanza is very good, and made me smile.

Despite the syllable count wandering a bit, between 7 and 11 syllables per line, this doesn't on the whole detract from how the poem sounds when read aloud. It trundles along nicely, and the commas are used properly to indicate pauses, which helps the flow.

A couple of things bother me though, one is that the 'voice' of the poem changes from impersonal: 'one's enemy'; to shared: 'our pride', 'we will ride'; back to impersonal: 'their minds'; to shared: 'Killing us', you get the picture. I'm not sure this is wrong, but it did jump out at me on my second read through.

The other quibble I have is with the fifth stanza, and specifically the last line seems forced. I suspect the way to remedy this might be to add a couple of syllables to each of the last two lines.

Overall, it's a fun poem, and uplifting. On the whole it sounds great when read aloud.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
You've written an interesting piece of living history. It's a strange thought that something as ubiquitous as a newspaper will probably disappear in printed form within the next couple of decades.

I notice that you don't give your brothers' names, although you do give the Italian boys, this seems a sad omission. Your memories of them seem very positive, so there does not seem to be any reason for them not to have at least first names given.

There are a few minor typos, (I make loads of these, I suspect most of us do).

Am pretty sure 'Catholics' needs a capital letter, "We were Irish catholic’s...", also you have used a apostrophe which isn't needed for a plural, i.e. it is "Catholics" and not "catholic's". You've also used an apostrophe here: "and that meant trouble for the boy’s.", again this should be "boys." as they are plural.

This sentence "The Italian boy’s named Jo, Rocky, and I don’t remember the other names would be on the corner", might be better like this:

"Two of the Italian boys were named Jo and Rocky, I don’t remember the other names. They would be on the corner..."

I liked the way you illustrated the characters of your brothers, without saying X was like this, Y was like that. The way they kept silent when being bullied, rather than getting into a brawl, and the way they didn't tell tales despite being pressured to was admirable.

Overall this is a great memory piece, the sort of 'every day' story that needs to be preserved, and it's nicely written in a real 'voice'.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Contribution to group funds.
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Review of Pessimist Eye  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
There are lots of things that I like about your poem. The inline rhymes, especially 'They don't understand my lies. Tears in my eyes.....or flies' are really good. Your articulate expression of what you felt and thought is admirable. Making something out of your experience, like this poem, is a powerful way of improving your life.

I have some suggestions, that I feel would improve it a little. There are several places where your lines seem long, and a natural break occurs, why not make these two lines?
For example
'I don't want to shrug and giggle. I want to find the reason behind the anger I've stored.' would become two lines:

'I don't want to shrug and giggle.
I want to find the reason behind the anger I've stored.'

Many of the lines begin with 'I', and this is natural as the poem is about you, but you could experiment with slight differences to break this up a little.

Perhaps 'I tell them that I've been fine. ' could become 'When I tell them that I've been fine. ' - it doesn't change what you are saying, but it would be one less line that starts with 'I'.

This partial line sounds slightly off: 'your eyes are tired or do you have a soul.' - perhaps it could be 'your eyes are tired, or asks "do you have a soul?"'

Feel free to ignore any or all of this.

I think you are brave to have used your personal experience to create this poem, and smart to have made it so accessible and interesting. It is very well written.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rhyme Scheme

This three part poem has the following rhyme scheme.

Part 1

Three octaves: a,b,a,b,b,c,b,C

followed by a quatrain: b,c,b,C

Last line of all stanzas is the same.

Part 2

Three octaves: d,e,d,e,e,f,e,F

followed by a quatrain: d,f,d,F

Last line of all stanzas is the same.

Part 3

Three octaves: g,a,g,a,a,h,a,H

followed by a concluding quatrain: a,h,a,H

Last lines of all stanzas is the same.

Several lines throughout the poem reuse the same words to maintain the rhyme scheme, for example 'way', 'may' and 'stay'. In the third stanza of Part 1, the word 'way' is used three times, which seems excessive.


Syllable count

The syllable count for each line varies.

In Part 1 each line is either nine or ten syllables, though in no particular pattern I could see.

Syllable count in Part 2 are again predominantly nine or ten, but there is an eight syllable line, and three lines are eleven or twelve syllables each.

Part 3 has variance between seven and thirteen syllables, though again nine or ten seems the average.

I feel that if the syllable count was given more emphasis, perhaps fixing on ten syllables per line, this would considerably improve the flow of your poem.


Theme

The poem seems to deal with a tragic loss, or perhaps more accurately a destruction of someone the protagonist loved. Part 1 deals with the damage, and repercussions, burial is suggested, and the loved one is perhaps trapped. This might echo the myth of Persephone or Kore and her sojourn in the underworld. Part one is winter.

Part 2 then moves forwards, to planting of seeds. The delicacy required for this task is emphasised. This is early spring, and though the protagonist is planting the poem makes clear this is not an easy task, nor yet assured at this time of success. The protagonist vows to stay with the land until their self appointed task is completed.

Part 3 moves through spring, and the welcoming rains - where earlier the poem used imagery of twisted rivers and drought to portray the destruction wrought by death. This part looks forwards to summer, 'golden and green', but also shows awareness of the cyclic nature of vegetative growth. The scars are still there, though diminished, that winter will come again is alluded to.


Conclusion.

This is clearly a well thought out poem, it covers an ancient theme, (if my guess as regards Persephone is in any way correct), but is fresh and powerful. It could be improved, (couldn't any poem though), specifically I think the syllable count could be tightened and the rhymes perhaps varied more.

I have enjoyed reading and analysing your poem a great deal, it is great to come across a poem with such depth. Despite my quibbles I feel this deserves five stars.
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Review of Prussian Blue  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how you've used a colour as a jumping off point for some evocative images. Aside from repeating the descriptor, and contradicting yourself slightly saying first that it's like a dream, then that it is a dream there is nothing to stop the reader being drawn into the scene you describe.

You make use of several senses and this adds depth to your short piece. I'm not sure I'd call it a story, because it doesn't have a plot, but I would call it a beautiful and imaginative exploration of what the colour means to you. This is very well written.
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Review of I reset  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your poem is uplifting and positive. Each stanza develops the powerful ongoing effects of the initial decision to dream, and more importantly make the dreams real.

The flow is generally good, but the syllable count wanders a little. Most lines are 9-10 syllables, but one is just 6, and others as long as 13. You could add polish to your poem by counting the syllables and maintaining a fixed pattern. If you settled on 10 syllables a line - it would be a challenge to rework some lines, but this would stretch you as a poet. The result would read smoothly.

In the last stanza your rhyming couplets break down, perhaps you could try 'Take the risk, your choices explore', or something similar.

Despite the above, I think this poem is well worth 5 stars, because it is so positive, a genuine pick-me-up of a poem. Hope some of this is helpful, but of course - it is your poem feel free to ignore any or all of my comments.
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Review of The Perfect Pet  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love works like this. Clever, telling a story, reminiscent of a Marriott Edgar monologue.

You either have a good ear, or else you syllable count, (possibly both - I like to cover all possibilities). There was nothing to disturb the flow of each stanza as the tale unfolded. I found myself wondering what pet he'd wind up with, and I didn't and probably wouldn't have guessed.

Thanks for a great poem, and a pleasant chuckle. A first class poem.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The story is developing well, lots of detail and the characters developing nicely. I especially like that you have a definite plot, it's fun to read and I am able to enjoy it despite not being familiar with the origins of your characters.

The only bit that I wasn't sure about in these chapters was where you refer to Joan's agoraphobia. When I looked up what it actually means as opposed to my vague idea of what it is, I found it fitted perfectly as you'd used it - so I've learned something.

This is very impressive, and I have bookmarked Part 4 to read next.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Praise: It's really rather good. Love the humour, love the rhymes. You could also tout the educational possibilities of this to the newly married or partnered.

Criticisms: None whatsoever.

Overall: Superb!
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
The extract is interesting although it doesn't give much of a flavour of what the novel is about. I think part of the problem is that when Frances recounts her little adventure, it evidentially involves her being followed. Why this should result in her being described as a 'Dick Barton' is a mystery. From the extract we have no clue what she had to find out either.

Setting that aside, with the suggestion that to tempt a reader to actually go read the book you need a bit more than this, it could really use some spacing. This would improve it's look and make it easier to read. At the bare minimum it should have spacing between paragraphs, but spacing the dialogue would be even better.

Some of the sentences read very poorly. A specific example would be "Then my parents had this accident. And I decided to come home.". This should read: "Then my parents had this accident, and I decided to come home.", (don't begin the sentence with 'And' when it is clearly a follow on from the previous sentence).

Albert's introduction also reads oddly, (to me), I feel that he should get that they'd met before into the conversation a lot earlier:

‘Good evening. I saw there was someone home and thought I'd see if you needed anything. My name's Albert, I'm your next door neighbour. You must be Frances Cooper. We've already met, you remember, in the pub, on Friday? I thought you were American because of your cigarettes.’

This bit also bothers me: "He was considerably taller than he had seemed earlier when sitting in the pub" - this implies she saw him earlier in the day - yet Albert referred to 'Friday' - I'd just drop the 'earlier', it isn't needed for the line to make sense.

Sorry if it seems that I'm doing a hatchet job, despite this I'm more than tempted to look at your book. I have a suspicion that it's self published? I see that it's set in the year I was born (also in England), so I think I'm going to splurge on a copy.

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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your poem alternates with 8 syllables on odd lines and 6 syllables on even lines. This holds for the first two verses, but then 'My girlfriend's unique' only has 5, 'And such a fine physique' then has 7. Tweaking to 'My girlfriend is unique', and 'Such a fine physique' would set both these lines to 6 syllables each. This has the additional benefit that form and physique would seem to be the same thing - so the 'And' seems erroneous.

In the final verse 'To be with her seems spiritual;' has 9 syllables, and this is harder to adjust, as it forms the rhyme with 'Her love's a timely ritual,'. I found 'Engagingly spiritual' works at 8 syllables, but you might find something better.

Taking the poem as a whole, the references to awakening at night put me in mind of a vampire, though there is nothing to indicate this directly.

Your words convey a deep love for the woman who is the subject of the poem, and aside from the possible improvements to scansion mentioned above, it's beautifully written.
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Review of Finding Ted  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a little gem, I really like this short story. Your ability to create someone 'real' in such a short piece is admirable. I saw no errors, no distractions to disturb my enjoyment, and of course I was a little disappointed when it ended, (I wanted to know what Ted's story was going to be.)

First class writing, congratulations.
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Review of In The Mist  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
This made me smile, very cleverly done. Funny how such a short poem can leave one hoping that the participants find somewhere less inclement to meet next time. Thank you, keep writing, we all need more humour in our lives.

*Rolling*
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (4.5)
Difficult to write something with so few syllables to play with, but you've succeeded. Your poem reads as a complete work unfolding, and is simple, but not simplistic. Minor quibble that the lines seems to begin with upper or lower case at random. Good luck with the contest, this is a very elegant little poem.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting piece. I am reviewing this in respect of how it is written, rather than your subject matter. If you haven't already, you might care to read 'Prometheus Rising', by Robert Anton Wilson.

I like how you have laid out your essay, and broken it up with appropriate sub headings. You've developed and fleshed out your argument, and provided a conclusion, all of these things are a mark of, (to my mind), good essay writing.

Quibbles - you haven't caught all the spelling mistakes - a run through a spell checker is a must for any serious writer - one I spotted was 'terrible dieses' - which should of course be 'terrible diseases', and I think should be followed by a comma.

'Vis-vis' I think should be 'vis-à-vis'.

Some of your opinions are very forcefully expressed, are they addressed to your target audience? The reason I ask this is that you switch from 'these people..' and 'they prefer to kneel down...', to 'You can pray'.

You also use 'God' and 'god' in the same paragraph, it might be better to chose upper or lower case, and stick with that throughout the essay.

Overall I would say this needs some polishing, but is not badly written at all.
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Review of That Summer  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Clever short story. I loved that the cop's over confidence in his own abilities worked against him, although he was correct in spotting that the small man was up to something. I see it is flash fiction, which I guess means it had to be written fast and that just makes it even more impressive.

If you'd not had such restrictions I think it could have been improved by adding some description to the speech, as to how it was delivered, a whine? defiantly? But you did, and it's excellent.
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Review of The Pro!  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great use of dialogue here. You've managed to tell the story using only the three voices. You've conveyed something of each person's personality, set the scene, and delivered the pivotal point of the plot. I see it was a contest entry, but if you expanded this further, it would make a really good short story. Very impressive work.
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Review of Yes, maybe, no  
Review by Adherennium
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

A prologue is a piece of writing found at the beginning of a literary work, and is before the first chapter and separate from the main story, this is therefore either a Prologue, or Chapter One, I don't think it can be both.

As a scene setter, this is first class though. The situation is tense, and you capture that, but then you lull us into a false idea of what is going on. We're led to believe David is here to save the guy, (Visions of 'It's A Wonderful Life' trotted through my mind). You slip in why Austin is trying to kill himself, though why he deserves this, is still a mystery. Then there's the twist, and I didn't see that coming - perfect.

This definitely makes me want to read on, and find out what is going on. Very well written piece.
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Review by Adherennium
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a delightful little tale of two unlikely friends spending time together. It reads very well, with no typos to disturb at all. The plot is simple and easy to comprehend, making it perfect for a younger reader. I have to say it cries out for illustrations, but that is not a criticism at all. A wonderful piece of writing, it also made me want to read more about what these friends get up to.
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