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173 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Pessimist Eye  
Rated: E | (5.0)
There are lots of things that I like about your poem. The inline rhymes, especially 'They don't understand my lies. Tears in my eyes.....or flies' are really good. Your articulate expression of what you felt and thought is admirable. Making something out of your experience, like this poem, is a powerful way of improving your life.

I have some suggestions, that I feel would improve it a little. There are several places where your lines seem long, and a natural break occurs, why not make these two lines?
For example
'I don't want to shrug and giggle. I want to find the reason behind the anger I've stored.' would become two lines:

'I don't want to shrug and giggle.
I want to find the reason behind the anger I've stored.'

Many of the lines begin with 'I', and this is natural as the poem is about you, but you could experiment with slight differences to break this up a little.

Perhaps 'I tell them that I've been fine. ' could become 'When I tell them that I've been fine. ' - it doesn't change what you are saying, but it would be one less line that starts with 'I'.

This partial line sounds slightly off: 'your eyes are tired or do you have a soul.' - perhaps it could be 'your eyes are tired, or asks "do you have a soul?"'

Feel free to ignore any or all of this.

I think you are brave to have used your personal experience to create this poem, and smart to have made it so accessible and interesting. It is very well written.
77
77
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rhyme Scheme

This three part poem has the following rhyme scheme.

Part 1

Three octaves: a,b,a,b,b,c,b,C

followed by a quatrain: b,c,b,C

Last line of all stanzas is the same.

Part 2

Three octaves: d,e,d,e,e,f,e,F

followed by a quatrain: d,f,d,F

Last line of all stanzas is the same.

Part 3

Three octaves: g,a,g,a,a,h,a,H

followed by a concluding quatrain: a,h,a,H

Last lines of all stanzas is the same.

Several lines throughout the poem reuse the same words to maintain the rhyme scheme, for example 'way', 'may' and 'stay'. In the third stanza of Part 1, the word 'way' is used three times, which seems excessive.


Syllable count

The syllable count for each line varies.

In Part 1 each line is either nine or ten syllables, though in no particular pattern I could see.

Syllable count in Part 2 are again predominantly nine or ten, but there is an eight syllable line, and three lines are eleven or twelve syllables each.

Part 3 has variance between seven and thirteen syllables, though again nine or ten seems the average.

I feel that if the syllable count was given more emphasis, perhaps fixing on ten syllables per line, this would considerably improve the flow of your poem.


Theme

The poem seems to deal with a tragic loss, or perhaps more accurately a destruction of someone the protagonist loved. Part 1 deals with the damage, and repercussions, burial is suggested, and the loved one is perhaps trapped. This might echo the myth of Persephone or Kore and her sojourn in the underworld. Part one is winter.

Part 2 then moves forwards, to planting of seeds. The delicacy required for this task is emphasised. This is early spring, and though the protagonist is planting the poem makes clear this is not an easy task, nor yet assured at this time of success. The protagonist vows to stay with the land until their self appointed task is completed.

Part 3 moves through spring, and the welcoming rains - where earlier the poem used imagery of twisted rivers and drought to portray the destruction wrought by death. This part looks forwards to summer, 'golden and green', but also shows awareness of the cyclic nature of vegetative growth. The scars are still there, though diminished, that winter will come again is alluded to.


Conclusion.

This is clearly a well thought out poem, it covers an ancient theme, (if my guess as regards Persephone is in any way correct), but is fresh and powerful. It could be improved, (couldn't any poem though), specifically I think the syllable count could be tightened and the rhymes perhaps varied more.

I have enjoyed reading and analysing your poem a great deal, it is great to come across a poem with such depth. Despite my quibbles I feel this deserves five stars.
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78
Review of Prussian Blue  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how you've used a colour as a jumping off point for some evocative images. Aside from repeating the descriptor, and contradicting yourself slightly saying first that it's like a dream, then that it is a dream there is nothing to stop the reader being drawn into the scene you describe.

You make use of several senses and this adds depth to your short piece. I'm not sure I'd call it a story, because it doesn't have a plot, but I would call it a beautiful and imaginative exploration of what the colour means to you. This is very well written.
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Review of I reset  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your poem is uplifting and positive. Each stanza develops the powerful ongoing effects of the initial decision to dream, and more importantly make the dreams real.

The flow is generally good, but the syllable count wanders a little. Most lines are 9-10 syllables, but one is just 6, and others as long as 13. You could add polish to your poem by counting the syllables and maintaining a fixed pattern. If you settled on 10 syllables a line - it would be a challenge to rework some lines, but this would stretch you as a poet. The result would read smoothly.

In the last stanza your rhyming couplets break down, perhaps you could try 'Take the risk, your choices explore', or something similar.

Despite the above, I think this poem is well worth 5 stars, because it is so positive, a genuine pick-me-up of a poem. Hope some of this is helpful, but of course - it is your poem feel free to ignore any or all of my comments.
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Review of The Perfect Pet  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love works like this. Clever, telling a story, reminiscent of a Marriott Edgar monologue.

You either have a good ear, or else you syllable count, (possibly both - I like to cover all possibilities). There was nothing to disturb the flow of each stanza as the tale unfolded. I found myself wondering what pet he'd wind up with, and I didn't and probably wouldn't have guessed.

Thanks for a great poem, and a pleasant chuckle. A first class poem.
81
81
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Praise: It's really rather good. Love the humour, love the rhymes. You could also tout the educational possibilities of this to the newly married or partnered.

Criticisms: None whatsoever.

Overall: Superb!
82
82
Rated: E | (4.5)
The extract is interesting although it doesn't give much of a flavour of what the novel is about. I think part of the problem is that when Frances recounts her little adventure, it evidentially involves her being followed. Why this should result in her being described as a 'Dick Barton' is a mystery. From the extract we have no clue what she had to find out either.

Setting that aside, with the suggestion that to tempt a reader to actually go read the book you need a bit more than this, it could really use some spacing. This would improve it's look and make it easier to read. At the bare minimum it should have spacing between paragraphs, but spacing the dialogue would be even better.

Some of the sentences read very poorly. A specific example would be "Then my parents had this accident. And I decided to come home.". This should read: "Then my parents had this accident, and I decided to come home.", (don't begin the sentence with 'And' when it is clearly a follow on from the previous sentence).

Albert's introduction also reads oddly, (to me), I feel that he should get that they'd met before into the conversation a lot earlier:

‘Good evening. I saw there was someone home and thought I'd see if you needed anything. My name's Albert, I'm your next door neighbour. You must be Frances Cooper. We've already met, you remember, in the pub, on Friday? I thought you were American because of your cigarettes.’

This bit also bothers me: "He was considerably taller than he had seemed earlier when sitting in the pub" - this implies she saw him earlier in the day - yet Albert referred to 'Friday' - I'd just drop the 'earlier', it isn't needed for the line to make sense.

Sorry if it seems that I'm doing a hatchet job, despite this I'm more than tempted to look at your book. I have a suspicion that it's self published? I see that it's set in the year I was born (also in England), so I think I'm going to splurge on a copy.

83
83
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your poem alternates with 8 syllables on odd lines and 6 syllables on even lines. This holds for the first two verses, but then 'My girlfriend's unique' only has 5, 'And such a fine physique' then has 7. Tweaking to 'My girlfriend is unique', and 'Such a fine physique' would set both these lines to 6 syllables each. This has the additional benefit that form and physique would seem to be the same thing - so the 'And' seems erroneous.

In the final verse 'To be with her seems spiritual;' has 9 syllables, and this is harder to adjust, as it forms the rhyme with 'Her love's a timely ritual,'. I found 'Engagingly spiritual' works at 8 syllables, but you might find something better.

Taking the poem as a whole, the references to awakening at night put me in mind of a vampire, though there is nothing to indicate this directly.

Your words convey a deep love for the woman who is the subject of the poem, and aside from the possible improvements to scansion mentioned above, it's beautifully written.
84
84
Rated: E | (4.5)
Difficult to write something with so few syllables to play with, but you've succeeded. Your poem reads as a complete work unfolding, and is simple, but not simplistic. Minor quibble that the lines seems to begin with upper or lower case at random. Good luck with the contest, this is a very elegant little poem.
85
85
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting piece. I am reviewing this in respect of how it is written, rather than your subject matter. If you haven't already, you might care to read 'Prometheus Rising', by Robert Anton Wilson.

I like how you have laid out your essay, and broken it up with appropriate sub headings. You've developed and fleshed out your argument, and provided a conclusion, all of these things are a mark of, (to my mind), good essay writing.

Quibbles - you haven't caught all the spelling mistakes - a run through a spell checker is a must for any serious writer - one I spotted was 'terrible dieses' - which should of course be 'terrible diseases', and I think should be followed by a comma.

'Vis-vis' I think should be 'vis-à-vis'.

Some of your opinions are very forcefully expressed, are they addressed to your target audience? The reason I ask this is that you switch from 'these people..' and 'they prefer to kneel down...', to 'You can pray'.

You also use 'God' and 'god' in the same paragraph, it might be better to chose upper or lower case, and stick with that throughout the essay.

Overall I would say this needs some polishing, but is not badly written at all.
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Review of The Pro!  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great use of dialogue here. You've managed to tell the story using only the three voices. You've conveyed something of each person's personality, set the scene, and delivered the pivotal point of the plot. I see it was a contest entry, but if you expanded this further, it would make a really good short story. Very impressive work.
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87
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a delightful little tale of two unlikely friends spending time together. It reads very well, with no typos to disturb at all. The plot is simple and easy to comprehend, making it perfect for a younger reader. I have to say it cries out for illustrations, but that is not a criticism at all. A wonderful piece of writing, it also made me want to read more about what these friends get up to.
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Review of Fergus the Frog  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a delightful poem. A lovely expression of friendship and learning, and I do feel that a child would enjoy reading this. One small quibble, the lines 'Gertie the giant goldfish bubbled, "what are you trying to do?"
And Gary Galah's screeched 'Boo Boo Boo" ' are a bit too long and break up the flow spomewhat. Could I suggest either 'Gertie Goldfish...' or 'Gertie the goldfish...', then lose the 'And' on the next line, so:

Gertie goldfish bubbled, "what are you trying to do?"
Gary Galah's screeched "Boo Boo Boo"

Other than that, a real pleasure to read.
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Review of Breaking News  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cleverly and succinctly expressed. Strong use of repeated rhyme, but not straying from your message to achieve this. Observe discretion, to avoid censorship obsession, though I don't feel you need this lesson. A powerful opening shot, now let's see what else you got.
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