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208 Total Reviews Given
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Review of Missing you  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Terrifying. This is the sort of thing that upsets me immensely when I read about it in the papers, hits close to home too. My first wife died of cancer and left me with two young sons to care for and support.

Really well written short story, absolutely packed with emotional impact. The religious addition made the story interesting, giving an unusual way to tell the story using a dialogue. Not sure what would happen next, guess I'd have to pin hopes on the infinite mercy clause, because murder suicide is pretty definitely a sin. I liked the use of italics to emphasize that Barb's comments were otherworldly, or inside Rick's head, depending on preference of interpretation.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Willie Pete sounds unpleasant, but then he is a character 'writ large', and exaggerated for comedic effect. I was a bit surprised that more wasn't made of the irony of his death, choking to death on a fish bone, when the funeral eulogy reveals that about the only thing he did like was fish.

I noticed a couple of typos: " As a youngin, Willie's mother, Mrs Emmeline Pete, would encourage him to 'go and play outside' " I'm sure that A with a hat has a name, though I couldn't say what it is, but I don't think it should be there anyway.

" Well, it came to pass one day that old Willie Pete did too," should that be old Willie Pete died?

My poor old eyes had to squint at the very small font, making it larger might encourage more readers?

Overall, I enjoyed reading about Willie Pete, despite his misery gut attitude, This is well written, and I could easily imagine it being read aloud to great effect.
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Review of Hornetz  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a fascinating conversation, and I actually learned something. I have to say that I'm not keen at all on wasps, I didn't know that hornets were more discerning about who they sting. Mind you the only time I saw a hornet the sheer size of it was pretty terrifying.

Loved your use of "z's" and Zazparilla is a beauty of a name. Now I am going to wonder how a hornet had heard of 'Androcles and the lion'. You gave Zeke a definite personality, it is easy to see why this was the contest winner.
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Review of I Am Seen  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am... seeing a pattern here. Your poem is simple, but I think actually also really clever. Given that you use 'I am' no less than 16 times, it could have been a very self centred piece. Yet it isn't, instead, it is life affirming, positive and uplifting.

The conclusion is the best line though, and it made me smile.

The only suggestion I can make for improvement is one someone kindly made to me after I posted my first poem, and that is - increase the font size to make your poem stand out on the screen.

A beautiful poem, I hope you write and share many more.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Unusually for me, I had read about Ronaldo's achievement on the BBC news and sport website, so I actually knew what you were writing about, (I have very little interest in sport).

Your writing is clear, fact filled and really well presented. It's clear that you've a lot of knowledge about Ronaldo, and you give a concise history of his career, and plenty of supporting titbits of information. This is how information should be conveyed, you've done a great job.

Unhesitatingly give this 5 stars. I hope we see more of your writing on WDC.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting opener, that shows promise of being a really good tale. The main criticism I have of it is that the spacing becomes erratic towards the end, and could be improved throughout.

Leaving spacing between paragraphs, and between lines of dialogue greatly improves the presentation of a piece, and makes it easier to read, more it makes it attractive to read.

You develop your protagonist nicely, giving us her background, explaining why she's travelling etc. Then the chance meeting with a cop, who turns out to be someone she knew from home. His offer to give her a ride back on his bike is obviously going to lead somewhere. Having him volunteer that he has leave due might make the offer seem less unlikely.

The last paragraph is very rushed though, we go from her being left to her own devices to seemingly planning the trip with Johnathan, with no transition. Definitely needs splitting into two paragraphs (at least), or perhaps expand the chapter a little, have them go to a bar and sort out their trip, whilst rekindling their old relationship.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your story, and would be inclined to read more of it. I didn't notice any errors to distract from my read. Really good start, and I hope you use WDC to show us more of your writing.
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Review of Last Night  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can see this has garnered a lot of five star reviews. Sad to say that I'm going to add yet another five star to your haul. This is so darned clever, but it is also poetic. Structured, perfectly rhymed - it reads beautifully, even as it leads us to draw all the wrong conclusions. Ah that twist - bravo - superb. This deserves all the accolades.*Cool*
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Review of Backlash  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your plot is interesting, what I also find interesting is that you focus on how everyone looks, especially their hair which always merits very detailed descriptions.

Didn't actually find many mistakes at all. One typo "Nblain would always get what he wanted" - obviously your finger slipped when typing Blain.

One thing that would improve this for me would be some explanation from Jax as to why he fell out so drastically with Blain that he was prepared to kill him.

You develop the character of the protagonist well, though it did seem a little odd him telling us what he looked like. The first line states that his family 'lost the house', and I confess I was expecting him to describe how that happened. I don't think the story did, it describes something that subsequently happened. I wasn't even 100% sure if the trip to Corktown was the result of the house loss, so I feel this needs to be made more explicit - did the gambler father lose the house through gambling?

Another bit that is 'fuzzy', (to me), - was he in a new school? It seems unlikely as he appears to know the layout of the halls - and he knows the names of the bullies.

Overall though I liked this - it has a solid plot - it moves forwards at a good pace, and within the restrictions imposed by its short length - it develops the protagonist as someone real. A bit of polish - maybe tone down the hair descriptions -and it could be a great short story. I can see why you'd be proud of it - it's a clear sign that you can write.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A nicely written short piece for the Writer's Cramp. Given it's short length, you've done a great job of making the characters real. I did wonder as to the lack of mention of their parents though. We aren't told the reason for the gathering, but it reminds me of Dylan Thomas' descriptions of Christmas - that's meant as a compliment.

Secrets must be irresistible to children, and you've brought this out nicely, but also something of their characters being well brought up and respectful. They are curious, and in no way mischievous though they aren't supposed to be in Uncle Johnny's room.

Excellent writing.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This is a strange tale, did the Captain grow a tail by the way? What struck me most about it is that everything the Captain tells us seems matter of fact. There is no explanation as to why he was in the dark alley and able to hear the three men in black. Even more perplexing is that Randy knows that a new drug has been smuggled into the country by three men, but no one has ever seen them. How does he know that there are three men, if no one has ever seen them?

When Randy points his gun at Joseph, he subsequently says “Oh, My God! Randy, are you okay?" - This should be: "Oh my God! Joseph..."

The logic of not mentioning the three men so that the others don't get worried is really odd. Wouldn't it make more sense to warn their colleagues about the danger of touching anything the three men have - especially strange powders?

I notice that this is fan-fiction - I'm afraid I don't know what the source might be, that might have helped.

Overall, I would say that this is an interesting framework for a story, but that it needs a fair bit of work - tightening up the plot, and extending the descriptions and details of the action.
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Review of Going Bananas!  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is a lot I like about your poem, and especially the third stanza is very good, and made me smile.

Despite the syllable count wandering a bit, between 7 and 11 syllables per line, this doesn't on the whole detract from how the poem sounds when read aloud. It trundles along nicely, and the commas are used properly to indicate pauses, which helps the flow.

A couple of things bother me though, one is that the 'voice' of the poem changes from impersonal: 'one's enemy'; to shared: 'our pride', 'we will ride'; back to impersonal: 'their minds'; to shared: 'Killing us', you get the picture. I'm not sure this is wrong, but it did jump out at me on my second read through.

The other quibble I have is with the fifth stanza, and specifically the last line seems forced. I suspect the way to remedy this might be to add a couple of syllables to each of the last two lines.

Overall, it's a fun poem, and uplifting. On the whole it sounds great when read aloud.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Contribution to group funds.
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Review of Pessimist Eye  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
There are lots of things that I like about your poem. The inline rhymes, especially 'They don't understand my lies. Tears in my eyes.....or flies' are really good. Your articulate expression of what you felt and thought is admirable. Making something out of your experience, like this poem, is a powerful way of improving your life.

I have some suggestions, that I feel would improve it a little. There are several places where your lines seem long, and a natural break occurs, why not make these two lines?
For example
'I don't want to shrug and giggle. I want to find the reason behind the anger I've stored.' would become two lines:

'I don't want to shrug and giggle.
I want to find the reason behind the anger I've stored.'

Many of the lines begin with 'I', and this is natural as the poem is about you, but you could experiment with slight differences to break this up a little.

Perhaps 'I tell them that I've been fine. ' could become 'When I tell them that I've been fine. ' - it doesn't change what you are saying, but it would be one less line that starts with 'I'.

This partial line sounds slightly off: 'your eyes are tired or do you have a soul.' - perhaps it could be 'your eyes are tired, or asks "do you have a soul?"'

Feel free to ignore any or all of this.

I think you are brave to have used your personal experience to create this poem, and smart to have made it so accessible and interesting. It is very well written.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rhyme Scheme

This three part poem has the following rhyme scheme.

Part 1

Three octaves: a,b,a,b,b,c,b,C

followed by a quatrain: b,c,b,C

Last line of all stanzas is the same.

Part 2

Three octaves: d,e,d,e,e,f,e,F

followed by a quatrain: d,f,d,F

Last line of all stanzas is the same.

Part 3

Three octaves: g,a,g,a,a,h,a,H

followed by a concluding quatrain: a,h,a,H

Last lines of all stanzas is the same.

Several lines throughout the poem reuse the same words to maintain the rhyme scheme, for example 'way', 'may' and 'stay'. In the third stanza of Part 1, the word 'way' is used three times, which seems excessive.


Syllable count

The syllable count for each line varies.

In Part 1 each line is either nine or ten syllables, though in no particular pattern I could see.

Syllable count in Part 2 are again predominantly nine or ten, but there is an eight syllable line, and three lines are eleven or twelve syllables each.

Part 3 has variance between seven and thirteen syllables, though again nine or ten seems the average.

I feel that if the syllable count was given more emphasis, perhaps fixing on ten syllables per line, this would considerably improve the flow of your poem.


Theme

The poem seems to deal with a tragic loss, or perhaps more accurately a destruction of someone the protagonist loved. Part 1 deals with the damage, and repercussions, burial is suggested, and the loved one is perhaps trapped. This might echo the myth of Persephone or Kore and her sojourn in the underworld. Part one is winter.

Part 2 then moves forwards, to planting of seeds. The delicacy required for this task is emphasised. This is early spring, and though the protagonist is planting the poem makes clear this is not an easy task, nor yet assured at this time of success. The protagonist vows to stay with the land until their self appointed task is completed.

Part 3 moves through spring, and the welcoming rains - where earlier the poem used imagery of twisted rivers and drought to portray the destruction wrought by death. This part looks forwards to summer, 'golden and green', but also shows awareness of the cyclic nature of vegetative growth. The scars are still there, though diminished, that winter will come again is alluded to.


Conclusion.

This is clearly a well thought out poem, it covers an ancient theme, (if my guess as regards Persephone is in any way correct), but is fresh and powerful. It could be improved, (couldn't any poem though), specifically I think the syllable count could be tightened and the rhymes perhaps varied more.

I have enjoyed reading and analysing your poem a great deal, it is great to come across a poem with such depth. Despite my quibbles I feel this deserves five stars.
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Review of Prussian Blue  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like how you've used a colour as a jumping off point for some evocative images. Aside from repeating the descriptor, and contradicting yourself slightly saying first that it's like a dream, then that it is a dream there is nothing to stop the reader being drawn into the scene you describe.

You make use of several senses and this adds depth to your short piece. I'm not sure I'd call it a story, because it doesn't have a plot, but I would call it a beautiful and imaginative exploration of what the colour means to you. This is very well written.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Praise: It's really rather good. Love the humour, love the rhymes. You could also tout the educational possibilities of this to the newly married or partnered.

Criticisms: None whatsoever.

Overall: Superb!
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The extract is interesting although it doesn't give much of a flavour of what the novel is about. I think part of the problem is that when Frances recounts her little adventure, it evidentially involves her being followed. Why this should result in her being described as a 'Dick Barton' is a mystery. From the extract we have no clue what she had to find out either.

Setting that aside, with the suggestion that to tempt a reader to actually go read the book you need a bit more than this, it could really use some spacing. This would improve it's look and make it easier to read. At the bare minimum it should have spacing between paragraphs, but spacing the dialogue would be even better.

Some of the sentences read very poorly. A specific example would be "Then my parents had this accident. And I decided to come home.". This should read: "Then my parents had this accident, and I decided to come home.", (don't begin the sentence with 'And' when it is clearly a follow on from the previous sentence).

Albert's introduction also reads oddly, (to me), I feel that he should get that they'd met before into the conversation a lot earlier:

‘Good evening. I saw there was someone home and thought I'd see if you needed anything. My name's Albert, I'm your next door neighbour. You must be Frances Cooper. We've already met, you remember, in the pub, on Friday? I thought you were American because of your cigarettes.’

This bit also bothers me: "He was considerably taller than he had seemed earlier when sitting in the pub" - this implies she saw him earlier in the day - yet Albert referred to 'Friday' - I'd just drop the 'earlier', it isn't needed for the line to make sense.

Sorry if it seems that I'm doing a hatchet job, despite this I'm more than tempted to look at your book. I have a suspicion that it's self published? I see that it's set in the year I was born (also in England), so I think I'm going to splurge on a copy.

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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your poem alternates with 8 syllables on odd lines and 6 syllables on even lines. This holds for the first two verses, but then 'My girlfriend's unique' only has 5, 'And such a fine physique' then has 7. Tweaking to 'My girlfriend is unique', and 'Such a fine physique' would set both these lines to 6 syllables each. This has the additional benefit that form and physique would seem to be the same thing - so the 'And' seems erroneous.

In the final verse 'To be with her seems spiritual;' has 9 syllables, and this is harder to adjust, as it forms the rhyme with 'Her love's a timely ritual,'. I found 'Engagingly spiritual' works at 8 syllables, but you might find something better.

Taking the poem as a whole, the references to awakening at night put me in mind of a vampire, though there is nothing to indicate this directly.

Your words convey a deep love for the woman who is the subject of the poem, and aside from the possible improvements to scansion mentioned above, it's beautifully written.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting piece. I am reviewing this in respect of how it is written, rather than your subject matter. If you haven't already, you might care to read 'Prometheus Rising', by Robert Anton Wilson.

I like how you have laid out your essay, and broken it up with appropriate sub headings. You've developed and fleshed out your argument, and provided a conclusion, all of these things are a mark of, (to my mind), good essay writing.

Quibbles - you haven't caught all the spelling mistakes - a run through a spell checker is a must for any serious writer - one I spotted was 'terrible dieses' - which should of course be 'terrible diseases', and I think should be followed by a comma.

'Vis-vis' I think should be 'vis-à-vis'.

Some of your opinions are very forcefully expressed, are they addressed to your target audience? The reason I ask this is that you switch from 'these people..' and 'they prefer to kneel down...', to 'You can pray'.

You also use 'God' and 'god' in the same paragraph, it might be better to chose upper or lower case, and stick with that throughout the essay.

Overall I would say this needs some polishing, but is not badly written at all.
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Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a delightful little tale of two unlikely friends spending time together. It reads very well, with no typos to disturb at all. The plot is simple and easy to comprehend, making it perfect for a younger reader. I have to say it cries out for illustrations, but that is not a criticism at all. A wonderful piece of writing, it also made me want to read more about what these friends get up to.
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Review of Breaking News  Open in new Window.
Review by Adherennium Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cleverly and succinctly expressed. Strong use of repeated rhyme, but not straying from your message to achieve this. Observe discretion, to avoid censorship obsession, though I don't feel you need this lesson. A powerful opening shot, now let's see what else you got.
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