Title: | | | Medusa  (13+)
A convicted criminal is stalked by a monster he helped to create...
#2250569 by TCF519   |
Author: TCF519
Plot:
Carter is a teenager, who has committed a terrible crime, and he has become an outcast from his community, including his parents. He is called a “rapist” at one point in the story so that must have been the crime. His girlfriend Nadia at the time told everyone what he had done and then killed herself.
Carter is given a slap on the wrist for his transgressions and the community becomes outraged.
He experiences strange noises on the roof of his car one night, but can not find the source. He discovers scratches on the roof of his car. The next day, he goes jogging in a park and something that he cannot see chases him back home in terror.
The next night after leaving work and trying to get something to eat, a monstrous beast attacks him. It is a Medusa-type creature with Nadia’s face. She is back from the dead to take her revenge on him. She turns him to stone.
I did not notice any holes in the plot, problems with continuity, or any other errors in the story.
Grammar:
I didn’t notice any misspelled words or punctuation problems. Watch those adverbs! 
Setting:
The town is not named in the story, but it sounds like Anytown, USA, a small community where everybody knows everybody else’s business.
Voice:
There was a place where the omniscient narrator took over and I made a note of it below.
Overall impression:
I really enjoyed this story, Kirby! I think it has great scares in it and I would definitely like to read more of your work.  Good job! Your descriptions of the monster are quite creepy, but you did that throughout the story.
I made some wording suggestions in my comments but remember they are only my humble opinion. Take what advice you like and ignore the rest. It is your story!
Comments:
It was 4 AM when Carter finished his shift at the grocery store, and the streets were painfully silent as he made his way home.
[I suggest using active voice here. Consider: Carter finished his shift at the grocery store at 4AM and drove home though the deathly silent streets.]
A heavy thud on the roof of his car shook him from his musing, and Carter nearly drove off the road in shock. He glanced up and wondered what could have possibly hit him, as there were no trees along that stretch of Market Street. As he slowly pulled over to the shoulder to check for any damage, he heard a scratching sound that sent chills down his spine. Though he tried to reason it away, he could not shake the sickening feeling building in his stomach that something was very wrong.
[This is kind of repeating what we already know. You did that very well. I suggest something like: Though he tried to reason it away, he could not shake the building sense of dread in his stomach.]
When he came to a stop, so did the scratching, and he briefly wondered if he ought to just get back on the road rather than investigate
Carter slid out of the car and hoisted himself up so he could see if anything had hit his roof.
[What kind of car is Carter driving? If he had to hoist himself up, perhaps he’s driving a van. If it is a typical sedan, he would just have to stand up.  Also, I’m thinking that maybe he takes a cautious peek on the roof, just in case something untoward is up there? Or perhaps he steps away from his car, maybe to be our of range of what might be on the roof? JMHO]
When he glanced back down the road, he could see nothing, though he doubted he would have found any evidence even in the daytime. Whatever had caused the damage was long gone,
[Hmmm…it seems like it has been only a few seconds since he heard the thump and the scratching. Does he not think that whatever it is might be hiding nearby? Remember it is dark and something could be hiding in the shadows.]
The drive back home was thankfully uneventful, though Carter kept his eyes and ears open the whole way should something else happen.
***
It was noon the next day when Carter woke up and trudged downstairs to make himself some food--cereal, since he did not have the stomach for much else.
[Passive voice. Consider: Carter woke up the next day at noon…]
Then, as he tightened his laces, there came a new sound from behind him: it was a deep, rough growl, but it did not sound like any kind of dog animal he knew.
As he scanned his surroundings for the source of the snarling, he noticed that the other sounds were silenced. The birds stopped chirping, the fountain shut off, and the mowers in the distant grew quiet, leaving only the disembodied growl.
[Can Carter see the fountain? Did it really shut off or did he just perceive it stopped?]
He vaulted over the backyard fence, sprinted to the back door, and slammed it behind him, and only then did the growling stop. Carter pressed himself up against the door as if to block off whatever had been chasing him, but nothing happened; nothing slammed against the door nor scratched at it like his car. His hand shakily rose up and lifted the blinds open just enough for him to peer through, only to find there was nothing outside.
[How about: He lifted the blinds, with hands shaking, just enough for him to peer through…?]
Satisfied, Carter let out a sigh of relief and slid into the driver's seat, just missing the sound of large wings flapping overhead.
[Since we are seeing all this through Carter’s point of view, if Carter doesn’t hear it, then the reader should not either. It takes the reader out of the pov of the character and becomes telling rather than showing. I know this is meant to add a bit of horror to the story, but consider having him hear the wings and slamming the door shut in fear. JMHO ]
Just when he thought he was in the clear, he heard a sickening growl that made him jump in his seat and slam on the brakes.
[Kind of a jump here. We don’t see him starting the car, and already he’s hitting the brakes. Is he out of the parking lot? Is he back on the street from last night where the first incident happened?]
"Let me just get a couple scrambled eggs, three sausage links, and some hash browns," he requested, which the waitress committed to memory.
"Be out in just a few, hon," she hummed before sauntering back to the kitchen.
[The waitress does not recognize him?]
As he stormed back to his car, he could feel the staff glaring at him from the window, judging him just like everyone else in the world. His whole world was getting smaller and smaller by the day, and he wondered if it would get to the point where he could not even leave the house. The scorn he suffered on a daily basis was unbearable and
Carter rocketed down the street, his foot firmly planted on the gas pedal and his teeth grinding against each other. All he could see was red as vVisions of Nadia danced through his head, tormenting him the only way she still could.
Just as he spotted a gas station down the road, something crashed down on the roof of his car with such intensity that the ceiling all but caved in. Carter jolted in his seat and slammed on the brakes before coming to a screeching halt on the shoulder of the road. He looked up to see that whatever landed on the roof had missed him by mere inches, but before he could reflect on that, he was alerted by a hideous screech from above. [I’m thinking that if he is still in his car, he won’t be able to see anything on his roof, right? Also, consider: “A hideous screech from up above shook his soul (or something similar).” ]
[Does the gas station play a part in the story? If not, just take it out since it is not mentioned again.]
But the most disturbing of all--the part that held Carter captive in his fear--was that a bed of snakes rested atop [“rested” makes me think of snakes curled up, but in this case they are very active. How about “…a writhing bed of snakes topped its head…] of its head in place of hair. The mess of serpents slithered and aimlessly writhed about in every direction, their hisses louder than a swarm of cicadas.
He did not ponder how Nadia could have come back or if that was even her to begin with. Instead, Carter turned and sprinted down the side street faster than he thought possible--even faster than when she chased him from the pond. Unfortunately, the outcome was the same as the day before, for though he broke all of his previous records, there was no outrunning the abomination Nadia had become. All he could do was pray that he found some shelter so he could have a chance to think and plan his escape from her.
[Maybe the gas station? ]
When she peeled him from the sidewalk street, tears mixed with blood and he choked out, "Nadia...please, stop."
The body, meanwhile, was found by a jogger on the grounds of an apartment complex
[Perhaps: “Meanwhile, a jogger found a fallen statue where none had been before]. After the city trash collectors said they would not dispose of it due to it exceeding the weight limits for bulky item pickups, the complex's maintenance crew brought it back to their workshop and broke it down over the next several days. They had no reason to believe it was anything besides some ugly statue, and so they took their sledgehammers to it and brought the pieces to the community dumpster. Carter was laid to rest in a mountain of garbage, his body scattered across the landfill and lost to time amid so much refuse.
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