Hi Dave. Loved your poem. I was told this was a double tanka form, but I see you call it a cleave poem. Just checking here that we are talking about the same thing??? alf
Hi Fyn. You have given me a wonderful sense of the close relationship you enjoyed with your mother, leaving wonderful images of the sacrifices she made to ensure her children felt supported and loved. You have cherished memories in your photographs and in your mind, but more importantly, you have all this with wonderful emotion. What a wonderful tribute to your Mom, and a beautiful poem for the reader. Loved this!! alf
Hi Hooves. loved your rhyming couplets. You have created a wonderful image of a loving mother and don't we all wish for just one more to chance to hug our mothers close!! Somehow, we never do come to the end of things we would have liked to say. Your words flow as present your thoughts, making this an easy and delightful read, alf
Hi GypsySpirit. What a beautiful poem! I loved that feeling of proud freedom, but it was torn from as they died beneath the starlight. I do hope you are campaigning for the survival of these horses. You have a potent message and your strength would bee a great asset. Loved this, alf
Hi K Fiore. I enjoyed reading this poem. The image of cracked paint is there in my mind, and the box that swallows and spits you out is a wonderful reference to the cycle of life. It seems to me the intent of this poem changed as you wrote, but I may be mistaken there. Enjoyed it anyway, alf
hi Prosperous Snow. I have to say, I don't generally review stories, but since this came up on the random review, I took a peek and was hooked. What a wonderful tale I would otherwise have missed!! I took a peek and was hooked. Oh my! What a mess!! it has me intrigued why powdered sugar, but like you say, its better left unexplored. there are a couple of grammatical errors, that could easily be typos but I don't let that deter me. This was a great story, well told, alf
Hi Irina Garbo. Gosh, I couldn't take my eyes from the poem from the moment I started to read. How beautifully you have analysed the situation and found a means to rectify the lack of ability to share your words. Write them in a poem . . . the age old answer!! Love this. it read sweetly and true, with only two very small hiccups to detract from the story. Well done, alf
Hi AnnMae. This poem contains more raw emotion in a single stanza than many poets can inject into forty line mini epic!!! This is so very straight from the heart, no refinement, no alteration -- just pure emotion. I feel the love oozing between the letters of each word, not lust or adoration, just the sincerity and wonder of having found the right person.
What else can I say. I have said it all, just as you have in your poem!!!! Loved it.
I also admire that you gave respect to your work by using realistic grammar. alf
Hi Nicole. I loved the story you told. Heart-breaking, traumatic, deep, sensitive, and haunting. All those emotions flow from your words and merge into the lines of poem. more than that, there is such an emotional roller coaster taking the trip with you as you read, it s continual motion takes you up and down, and you no longer just read, you experience those emotions.
The poem flowed very smoothly at the start, but by the last stanza, cadence had given way to passion. I am in two minds how I feel about that. One, brilliant to finish with impact, or, a sad omission of poetry prowess. Something for you to ponder.
Loved this, your imagery is great, word choices are great and the story, succinctly told. Hpoetry enthusiasm, alfope this is helpful to your continued
Hi GypsySpirit. You have a wonderful poem here. The imagery you have set is light and carefree, riding horses, galloping through the ripples on the beach, splashing through the rollers as they rush to shore, and that imagery flows into life, comparing that freedom of movement to the freedom one feels of being in love.
Might I suggest you don't label you writing. I have twice looked at you description and passed this by as i am not overly attracted to 'feeble' poetry. My attempt, is sufficient to draw interest. (Just my opinion, but i nearly didn't see this wonderful piece of writing!!!)
keep writing, there is something lurking within you that wants to get out!!! alf
Hi Kata Moore. What a sad tale of guilt and grief you have written. To see a friend die, in anorexic distress must be the worst of our nightmares. You have told this story, with such stark simplicity it tore at my heart, for both victim and writer. A compelling read, alf
Hi Peterelbee. How Australian do you need to be to do any better than this. I can image the fiddling, time, determination, bull-headedness, chewed pencil ends, and expletives that might have accompanied the fine tuning of this piece. There is not one phrase, not one line that I would pick above the others. the words flow like molten honey, so smooth and so . . . right! Very Aus-oriented, but I should think, universally understood. Fantastic read, thank you for showing me, alf
Hi Angels in my ear. This is a beautiful free flowing verse with so many descriptive phrases and pertinent analogies. It holds cadence without rhyme, making it a joy to read, and leaving a distinctive impression in the reader's mind. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, alf
Hi Cotton. Of the three poems you have posted, and I have read on this Newbies site, this one, for me, allows a small amount of emotion to seep through. Being addressed to a loved one, I would prefer to get a stronger sense of involvement, a small amount of passion that flows into the words. Like this one a lot, alf
Hi cotton. Another poem where you have expressed your thoughts very well within your poetry. This is a pleasant read, though I'm not sure you would see in 'dreams' in bright sunlight. Second last line, correct spelling of your. Should be you're ( short for you are) (smiles). alf
Hi cotton. I liked the tone of your poem. I would suggest you correct the spelling errors in the second line of the first stanza, and third line of the first stanza, (Reminisce, and lie). Your work has a nice flow, and makes for an enjoyable read. thank you for sharing your thoughts, alf
Hi Smit. As far as I can see you have met the criteria for a tanka. Your syllable count is spot on and I loved the subject you have followed. You have chosen your words very well, they have a haunting quality that lingers in the mind after the reading. Nicely done, alf
Hi Writing Walter. I read your poem and heard the questioning in your words and in your word choices, while you sought reassurance all these emotions were in fact, quite normal. You reach a conclusion that still ends with a somewhat more rhetorical question. I liked this, alf
Hi Emily. Your poem sends me a strong message of discontent, love thwarted, and sorrow for the loss. I liked the word choices, which flowed well to express your hurt, and make comparison with another's situation. I also thought the format you have used here, very effective, adding impact to the emotion, alf
Hi NRB. This writing has come from the heart. I can your grief in the lines, your mourning in the verses and your deep loss as the poem ends. It is not an easy situation to endure, writing will ease some of the pain for you, I hope. The words flowed very well, I had a little trouble with the cadence in places, but this is a fine effort, alf
Hi Matthew. So very sad. A poignant reminder of loss and yet a depth of understanding of the next generation's loss as well. I had a feeling this was family related and that made the reading more difficult. Emotion pours from the words you have chosen, the verses flowed, and you took the reader to a place off loss and grief. Beautifully written, so gratefully read by me, alf
Hi There Old Warrior. First I must say this is a great story tole in verse. It follows the tradition of werewolves and Halloween extremely well. the lines are beautifully cadenced and the verses flow well from one to another without hesitation. I so enjoyed the read, alf
Hi Bee. I smiled when I read this because I am a coffee addict, maybe writing and coffee are soul mates?? I liked the way you described the anticipation of fulfilment as you waited , vey descriptive, and from my perspective, so well said, alf
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