A nice piece of writing, evoking mystery and imagination.
I didn't notice any spelling mistakes and I thought the metaphors were mostly well thought out. Although a couple of sentences could probably be simplified or reworked.
Example:
"The rays of the sun have not yet melted the fog in my thoughts..."
Suggestion
"The sun has yet to pierce the fog..."
I thought perhaps your final sentence, as the climax, could have a little mystery; leaving the reader with some work to do.
Currently:
"And for once I am at peace and the act of balancing two cultures doesn't seem impossible."
Suggestion:
"But, for now, I am at peace and have hope for the future..."
This is quite a nice poem, well written and full of emotion.
Suggestions
These are just a few of my thoughts on the style, which is your own, so take my ideas with a grain of salt.
In general, you could probably simplify some of the verses, just by removing some of the words?
Promised myself I wouldn’t cry
Promised myself I wouldn’t let you get to me
Yet here I am, tears running down my cheeks
My eyes not dry for weeks uponand weeks
Maybe you could avoid the repetition of Promised myself, and wouldn't although I suspect you are stressing the character's disappointment in herself. Could the second line be something like: And that you would not get to me
I think the word upon is not quite consistent with the style of the rest of the verse.
-----------------------
I remember when you told me
You didn’t want to see me get hurt
So when you broke my heart and saw me cry...
Tell me, did you close your eyes?
The last 2 lines are surperb!
--------------------------
Third verse: no suggestions!
--------------------------
Each piece of my heart has a part of you
Now on the floor, shattered and broken
Our souls on a path meant to meetbe
With your harsh words, mine you did mistreat
I thought that with a soul, be would fit better, a little more vague, as souls tend to be!
The last line, I think could be simplified. Like the first/second line, where happiness has simply been replaced by sadness. You have decided, to be free. ?
-------------------------------
I need to learn how to stop these tears
I know that you’re not worth them
Although my heart has made its choice
I still remember how to use my voice
Nothing much that I can suggest there. Great!
---------------------------------
Your last verse provides a good finale to the emotions, and journey undertaken, but each line seems a little lengthy. Perhaps it could be split into two separate verses?
This is a nice piece of writing. I like the way you have created an image of an apparently perfect being, only to discover she is losing her humanity.
Grammar/spelling suggestions
Just a few minor issues, I haven't listed every suggestion, just a few examples. If you're like me, you probably tend to repeat grammar problems throughout a piece of writing.
her every motion toa product
It seemed like theThe entire class hushed when she walked in the door.
I can imagine that the entire class would have hushed, rather than just seeming like it.
thought-throughthought through and planned
I'm not sure, but I don't think you need the hypen there.
Whenever she made a mistake, she claimed them happily, to express the remnants of humanity she clung to
You have a few phrases like this one, which I think you can simplify a little.
I'm guessing you don't express a remnant, so maybe: Whenever she made mistakes, she claimed them happily, remnants of the humanity she still clung to
I loved this phrase: living had replaced the vivacity of life with the cynicism of obligation
Context and continuity
The only possible continuity issue I found was here:
She waltzed to her chair, all eyes on her.
Then, later in the same paragraph: Her hair swung with the same tempo, picking up when she went down the stairs or turned a corner
I suppose if you are making a general observation about how she appears in her class, that needs to be separated a little from something general.
This might work: Away from her studio, her hair swung with the same tempo, picking up when she went down the stairs or turned a corner
Story outline
I'd like to know a little about the narrator, was she part of the actress's class? I can imagine she would have felt unnoticed in the presence of such a formidable personality. How would she have felt? What - in her own life, perhaps - made her realise that she shouldn't feel jealousy of the actress?
I found this to be a thrilling read, from start to finish.
A few minor grammar suggestions
She sat down to eat it. When she heard this psychopath screaming at everyone.
She sat down to eat, when she heard this psychopath screaming at everyone.
...a mysterious cloud appear out of nowhere and descend where they were standing.
...a mysterious cloud appeared out of nowhere and descended to where they were standing.
As soon as he and Median had finished speaking
Overall
I thought your general plot was well thought out. The idea of redemption, or a second chance is something we'd all like.
Ideas to consider
Continuity. The start of the story was very effective, with Jan an observer of the possibly tragic events to follow. She was in a hiding place, yet, when recalling the events:
Everyone obeyed, except, for Jan and one man sitting pensively at the back of the restaurant and casually sipping a drink.
It might be even more effective if Will simply ignored Jan; almost like she had been assigned the role of witness, and therefore could not be touched, or even seen by Will.
Will, the hoodlum, seemed to be all bad. I wonder if he could have had some brief flashbacks of more happier times; perhaps of his mother treating him gently for a grazed leg, or something similar. When he first noticed Median might have been a good time for that; my image of Median was of a kindly old man who could well of rekindled some warmer images for Will.
Viewing a little of the good side of the hoodlum may have given Median the reason to intercede, to save Will?
An interesting piece, on one of the oldest questions we face.
Some grammar suggestions
Most of the lines end with a period; a few do not.
AlthoughYet, we do not share the same beliefs.
The comma feels out of place there, with Although.
Our biggestBiggest variance of opinion is God.
Ponder While I ponder and meditate the way to the right answer.
I've assumed this line is your response to your friend's quest for proof.
We speakSpeak of newborn babes and their perfection
I thought this line had the potential for you to have something in common.
And worst of all, he knowsis convinced that he is right.
For me, this line suggests you believe he has a very solid argument, convinced suggests you have your doubts about his views.
Speak of newborn babes and their perfection
Vocalize the order of the universe.
Extol love of mankind and for one another Reminding him of his personal blessings. I wasn't quite sure of your meaning, and the relevance of the last line here. I guessing it would be that he has many blessings in his life, does he believe it is all luck?
Content suggestions
I wonder if this piece could be improved by each of the participants seeing some merit in the other's views, no matter how small.
This line He does not seem to fear what the future holds
suggests a grudging respect for someone that is not afraid of death.
Whereas your friend, I am sure, has some admiration for the unyielding faith you have in your future.
an on-line online relationship created a trip to nowhere. Probably debateable, but a quick google search tells me no hypen is required.
I wish we could begin again," he said softly(full stop missing) in shock at the closenessnearness of my miss.
Personally, I would prefer nearness as it speaks more to physical proximity, whereas closeness could imply something emotional?
Other comments
This line, I sat for a moment where I'd pulled off. I was begins a series of sentences beginning with "I..", maybe overdone a little?
It was a terrible fire, what the experts might call a conflagration. Many lives were lost My problem here was that I had to look up what conflagration actually meant!
Maybe some of the sentences could be strung together a little more, rather than a new sentence:
The fire seemed even closer. For ,and for the first time I noticed that there were no other cars on the road.
Had it only been the shock of finally meeting him?
I thought you could expand on this thought a little. It's quite an interesting human relationship issue: how we can "connect online", and yet when meeting in person it can be like meeting a stranger!
I remembered how much I loved him
I do wonder if love is the right word for an internet relationship. Just my opinion, but it might be taking the power of the internet a little far. I wonder how it would go if your character mused about her relationship with David a little?
Would it bloom into something she might recognize as love?
Was it simply the tragedy of the disaster that was bringing them together?
Some would say that what we did was wrong. It was risky, and we gambled. Why was it risky, or a gamble? I guessing it was the emotional risk your character was thinking about? Or the risk of getting caught!
where such imaginary creatures are prevalentprevail. My thinking here is that it would be a rather neat reality where romance survives, rises and succeeds!
This is a nice piece of writing. I could feel the tension building and wondered what exactly it was that the husband did, clearly something to do with money.
Couldn't really spot any mistakes in grammer or spelling, so just a few comments on the style and storyline. Just my own thoughts, as always.
Your first paragraph, I'm guessing, was a reflective diversion, hinting at the disaster that was to come. I got lost a little there in the metaphysics, especially this line:
But the other world, the one that existed before we were born, Perhaps talking about an inner and outer world might make it clearer, at least for someone like me! Something with a little more clarity may have been just as effective.
And after After dinner we played Go Fish
I was told in a review that you should rarely, if ever, use and as the beginning of a sentence.
flooding me with relief that I had a girlfriend
My thinking here is that "girlfriend" is associated with good times. The use of friend might imply something more serious, which it is.
In your last paragraph, I feel an emotion, quite appropriately, of stress and panic within the family. The short sentences are effective, but I wonder if they could be emphasized a little more by being separate - in their own paragraph -and maybe in itallics? Maybe, again, something briefer may have sufficed.
Still your home...Nothing to do with you...Lots of love in this family...
Because that night Ray and I had sat the children down to
I'm guessing that Ray is the devious husband. His appearance here seems a little out of place, without some kind of prior confrontation over his deceit?
The only other comment I can offer is there were a few terms I was unfamiliar with - I'm from New Zealand:
new world Irish twins
PNE
Go Fish
If in doubt, a brief hint as to what something meant might work. After dinner we played Casey's favourite game "Go Fish"...
Now, this in nitpicking, but I looked up "Irish Twins", and it means siblings born in the same calendar year, or otherwise less than twelve months apart
Shannon's babies seemed to have an 18-month gap. Serendipity that with a twenty-two month old and a four-month old
This is a pretty cool story. Is this a variation on the werewolve theme, except Mortem turns into a postman after midnight? A neat play on word, Post Mortem.
A couple of thoughts, and they are only that!
What is "a betel from a bus driver?"
I looked it up on google and it said South American climbing bush or something similar.
Could the presentation be improved by having a couple of paragraphs?
A couple of spelling and grammar errors. I know they don't really matter, but I'm a firm believer in getting the smaller details right, it means readers will respect your writing, whether it is a serious piece, or something more light weight. I find google is a great place to go, especially for spelling, and meanings.
lightening lightning
He was turning in tointo a postman
sorting mail till til morning
Just a thought about your opening sentence. The day from hell, which I guess is very apt, given the storyline!
Maybe the description could be split up a little?
"It was a rainy, snowy, windy, cloudy, hail-stormy day"
Something like:
"It was a windy, cloudy day, and then the rain, hail, and finally the snow arrived. Bleak couldn't even begin to describe it."
It reminds me of the teaching of Deepak Chopra, where he says "You can have anything in life that you truly desire." That is the key, truly.
Most of us, I suspect, think we want to win the lottery, or to find some other way to riches. But if we had to choose, would we rather be, say, a published author earning a comfortable living, or to win the lottery and still be miserable, but with money?
One of my stories, "What would you do?", explores that theme.
But back to your writing!
I suspect english is not your native language, and it's tough to master with its grammer, context and other rules. But the tricky bit is the minor details, such as where you place a comma, how you can construct your sentences, context, proper tense etc.
Your opening sentence
"Why life is a cherished as greatest book that no one would have read it fully?"
I understand your meaning, but could the sentence be re-worked to make it clearer?
Something like this:
"If life is as cherished as the greatest book, why is it that most of us have never read it fully?"
This is a great story. It's inspired me to try my hand at writing about ghosts.
A couple of grammatical errors. I'm learning that it's a great idea to look at the finer details, as well as just telling your story, it improves the overall look and feel, and lets readers take your writing seriously.
"was perfect for someone who needs the stamina "
Not sure, but I think you mixing tense here. "needed" ?
"As he ran laughter started to fill up the air around Steven sending"
Was Steve in earlier sentences.
"Especially near the dungeons, talking, whispering, the..."
Probably should be a : after dungeons, rather than a comma.
On the story itself. And these are just ideas and opinions.
Maybe the theme of Alcatraz means souls can't "escape" rather than leave?
"He walked the halls cleaning and checking "
It depends on what you want ghosts to do, but I quite like it when you realise that all the time Jack could have been a ghost. Can ghosts actually DO anything, like clean, move things around?
How did Steve gain entrance to the prison, if Jack was a ghost and no-one else could see him. Or perhaps the other guards could see him too, and so let them in?
(I liked the Bruce Willis movie, 6th Sense, when you think back and nobody ever talked to him, acknowledged him at all, except the boy. You don't think, nah, he couldn't have been a ghost, he opened doors and drank coffee.)
It was quite spooky when you realised Jack was actually dead. But what did that actually mean to Steve, or Jack, or to the reader?
You could probably make this better by a little proofreading and editing. I think that getting the details right can improve the look and feel of your writing.
A few examples:
Spelling: Aproxmitly Approximately relatioship relationship
Tidy up a few sentences:
"So we kept talking and talking one thing led to another I really didn't want get attached to him because I just gotten out of a bad relatioship but shaun was persistent!!"
Something like this?
"So we kept talking and talking, and one thing led to another. I really didn't want to get too attached to him because I had just come out of a bad relationship. But Shaun was certainly persistent!!"
I find reading my sentence out aloud helps me decide whether they make sense or not.
It could be a preface to a horror, thriller, mystery or a love story. Family secrets perhaps.
Maybe just a bit of tweaking required:
(Just my thoughts)
"It was nothing more than a sheet of paper, folds made permanent from having been kept folded in a tiny square shape over the years. "
Be nice to get red of the double reference to folds somehow. Maybe:
"It was nothing more than a sheet of paper, permanently creased after being re-folded into a tiny square shape over the years. "
"cautiously pulling at the brittle material in the hopes that it would not rip"
It might be effective to give some discrete hints as to where the story would go from here. What was the nature of the friendship? Is the problem something that needs to be addressed after all this time, perhaps the friend has made the news, or a mutual friend has advised he/she is returning for some reason. So many possibilities there!
I guess you need to work out what story you are telling?
How do you want it to end?
Will there be some drama?
I thought a nice touch might be to tell their story as if Alyssa were still alive. Recalling their stories of meeting, double-dates, arguments and sleepovers, before letting the reader know she has actually died.
"I first met my best friend Alyssa......"
Then...."It was Tuesday, 15th September, 2009. My mum came to me,hugged me, and told me my friend had died. Just like that."
Then, maybe a little on how Ryleigh copes with each day.
I do like the character you have painted here, or colored !
A woman with quiet strength and determination, accepting that she has slipped into a situation she now needs to escape from.
I love this line: "...now it was time to find a life that didn’t need an escape." In fact, could this have served as the ending sentence? The subsequent final words seem slightly superflous.
I feel the start could be a little bolder? I'm guessing you're describing a situation where the woman is displaying some defiance, and the male is about to start some abuse, most likely mental, possibly a common exchange between these two!?
Perhaps you could intersperse the dialog with some descriptions, possibly of similar situations that have occurred before?
"Pass the mustard.” His nausating tone reminded Cindy of the last time......
I like the image you have created here.
That of a young lady suceeding with the advantages of a loving, nuturing home environment. Or is she?
Just the last line I will comment on. You have added a nice touch of mystery with the final sentence, but is it consistent with the previous paragraph?
Does it mean there IS alcohol, drugs and self harm in her life?
Or are you simply hinting that all is not as it seems with the young lady?
If the latter, perhaps a simple statement first:
"All the appearances of a happy, contented young woman, surrounded by love and nuturing.
I could feel the strength of character in Alyssa. Always strong, the one others looked to in times of crisis, yet resenting it a little, never seeming to have time for herself.
Just a couple of thoughts.
I'm thinking a little of the ending, maybe it could tidied up a little.
I will miss you forever.
The word "forever" sounds a little odd here - melodramatic even. Maybe nothing needs to be said after the "Dad". Maybe "oh Dad....why?" would suffice.
Maybe But I will find myself again...soon.
"But" sounds a bit more decisive, more in keeping with her strong character?
There's probably a bit of potential in the character of the younger brother. It was him taking the lead, knocking on Alyssa'a door, looking after his mother until she could take over.
Pieces which describe a characters surroundings and the emotions they feel, I'm a sucker for!
I wonder if you could have finished the piece with a little more clarity? What message were you trying to convey?
Perhaps your message is simply one character's reactions and emotions to an ordinary event, an escape for a brief period of time, an effective meditation therapy. Where she thinks she has discovered the meaning of life, only to be brought back to reality!
You could also take a look at some sentences, do they have appropriate clarity and do they assist with your message?
This:
"One that I shan`t have time or greyed matter space to remind myself of."
Maybe:
"I know I won't have the time, or even grey matter later on, so I will take my opportunity now, before I am brought back to the realities of my own existence."
I like the way you put this story together, moving around chronologically, and leaving the reader to conclude what might have happened,
I wonder if it might be improved by a little less dialog? That way you could concentrate a little more on the emotions of the situation, and emphasise a little more the different time frames and characters.
This is a nice poem about the insanity and despair of love. But also the limitless optimism. Why would you marry a dying person who was insane? For love, of course.
A couple of possible errors, not sure if you want the small details or not or even if they are errors! I have discovered that attention to detail can improve your writing.
Spelling: avoiding life's lies
"and 2 plus equals seventeen".? maybe one plus one equals seventeen - a good allusion to love also!
Should there be capitals at the start of each verse, and also the i ?
Could you break up the "what if" with an "and", maybe the last verse: "and what if I asked you to marry me...."
I think also the last line needs a little thought. It seems a little flippant and out of place with the serious of the piece.
Something like:
because I have nothing left to give
and my love for you knows no bounds
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/andrewgibson
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.40 seconds at 11:14am on Jun 02, 2023 via server web2.
| (4.0)
Awards
Badges
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Auto-Reward Items
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
