 General Comments & Reader Reaction: Hey Elle! I'm your reviewer for P.E.N.C.I.L.! I'm supposed to be mean. (Dons mean teacher glasses) Let's give it a shot  .
 Plot & Pace:
Okay, so we start out simple enough. An aspiring young writer begins writing a story.
My very first question- Why? Why does he start writing? That's a good question to answer.
Then we're thrown this bombshell- scene shift. It doesn't actually make that much sense- yet. Actually, I've read the three chapters I'm supposed to review. I really think that you should explain how or why the journal works- maybe not in this chapter but in some later chapter. And I think that you should really have more reaction to the scene shift. I mean, there's got to be more reaction than sitting on the beach and writing more. They're eleven and- well I don't actually know how old Caitlin is (You should really state that by the way)- they're not adults. Or maybe it does make sense- since they're younger they can wrap their mind around magic.
As much as the journal thing does not make sense, you keep going. I have to wonder, is Wiremu a real person or just someone conjured up by Jayden's writing. You may want to explain how that works. Of course, you don't need to do that yet. But at SOME point during the book you must!
The arrival of the taniwha is so incredibly anticlimactic. I mean, it gets there, they stand in awe, and he leaves. You call this "Grand and Epic Adventures" (and I wouldn't mention this if I hadn't read the first three chapters) yet it is not particular grand, definitely not epic, and barely an adventure. Now, this is a starter chapter. It doesn't have to be huge and epic yet. But it needs a little something. Some suggestions may be: a conversation with the taniwha, a taniwha ride, maybe even it's not a good taniwha and they have to defeat it. The taniwha is just too easy.
And the ride home at the end doesn't make a lot of sense either. You need to set some rules at some point to the journal. Specifically, how does it work? What is happening with people not in the story?
 Characters:
We literally know almost nothing about the characters. At all. We know Jayden's eleven, Caitlin is younger, they have a dog, they have parents, and they live in New Zealand. Description! Description! Description! (I wish I had a stick to slap on your computer desk.) Is Jayden short, tall, blonde, dark haired, tan, fair, of African descent? Same thing for Caitlin. We don't even know her age! This is something you really need to work on.
 Setting & Imagery:
There's not a lot of scenery describing either. We have no image of his room-- I didn't even realize he was sitting on his bed until you mentioned Caitlin sitting on the opposite side of it. The thing we know about the beach is that it's sandy... duh. And empty. But what else?
Writing Style & Grammar: Okay let's start on grammar. I'm not from New Zealand and I know they have slightly different grammar rules so if there's something that you don't use that I point out-- that's fine.
1) Indents! Indents! Indents! (I really wish I had a stick to slap on your computer desk.) ALWAYS indent the first line of each paragraph. It marks the start of a new paragraph.
2) I want you to separate the things Jayden writes from the things you write. Quotes would be very nice. The italicize is nice. Also, I'd like them to be on separate paragraphs as well.
3) This is a conditional note. Are you planning on writing what Jayden writes with eleven-year-old grammar or perfect grammar? I'll make notes on that for now, but I am not sure what you were thinking for that.
4) This line really bugs me "Jayden was off on a hunt for dragons. Most people didn’t believe dragons really existed, but Jayden knew otherwise. Oh, he hadn’t actually seen one for himself. But he believed. Jayden lived in New Zealand, where the indigenous people, the Maori, believed in a dragon called a taniwha." The last sentence feels like it should be the start of a new paragraph, not the end of one. Why don't you try starting a new paragraph and since he's trailing off you could leave it at that. If he keeps stopping or getting interrupted you don't have to leave at the end of a paragraph. I mean- do you make sure you reach the end of a paragraph when you stop writing for a minute?
5) "realise"-- is this some British/Kiwi spelling? Because at least in the US it's "realize."
6) This may be out of sector but it feels right here. Sum it up to eleven-year-old logic but I don't think that explaining the pronunciation of "taniwha" does not seem logical. What would've made more sense is if he noted to put a Maori pronunciation guide at the front of the book, or something. I mean you can still explain how to pronounce it (interesting on that, by the way) but adding it to the story just is a pet peeve of mine. (I'm critiquing Jayden's novel as well as yours )
7) "Taniwha lived in water, at least most of the time." This does not grammatically make sense to me, you refer to the taniwha as "a taniwha" which if I interpret this correctly, would be like saying "Dog (not a proper name) licked up his water." Unless you're using Taniwha as a proper noun as well, which doesn't make sense. One or the other!
8) Okay "in to" and "into." I really am not sure which is supposed to be used in "Jayden called his sister in to his bedroom." May want to check it.
9) Another use of "taniwha" without an "a" or "the" or even capitalization. Which is it supposed to be?
10) "Jayden watched out the window as the scenery quickly changed from suburban streets to farmland, then slowly to native bush." try "suburban streets, to farmland, then slowly to native brush."
11) "The road was long and windy but Jayden really didn’t mind.... This" I think the trail off is supposed to be ... and that if you want to start a new sentence it should be only one period. Or you could lowercase the t.
12) "Finally they got there, and they piled out of the car and started on the walk to the beach." Try: "Finally, they got there, piled out of the car, and started on the walk to the beach.
13) " And so somehow he had to get his parents back out of the story." I think "to back out" would be better.
14) “Writing a story.” He actually wouldn’t mind showing off what he’d written so far, so he read it aloud to her." I think you should start a new paragraph after the quote.
15) "metres" is that a British/Kiwi spelling? In the US it's meters.
16) "He couldn’t see his parents though." I believe there should be a comma before though.
17) "lead" I assume is the Kiwi equivalent of "leash"
18) ‘she had no lead attached to her collar. Very strange.’ think these 's should be "s.
19) "Was he going quite mad?" I think the quite is a little out of place here. For me, at least, it sort of interrupts the flow.
20) "Something simple but which would prove it one way or the other." I believe Something simple, but enough to prove it one way or the other.
21) "Jayden looked down the beach and sure enough, the old man was beckoning to them." Since "sure enough" is an interjection, it should be quartered off by two commas, not one. So 'Jayden looked down the beach and, sure enough, the old man was beckoning to them.'
22) "Moko, he thought they were called, the tattoos on the face." I think this is a little redundant. One of two things: option a, remove "the tattoos on the face"; option b, reorder the words 'He thought the tattoos on the face were called moko."
23) Quick comment. If the taniwha is in the picture of the chapter header- maybe try matching the colors. You say the taniwha is brown and green- yet the color of the taniwha in the header is red. Unless I've recently gone color blind, these are not the same. And it is not very hard to recolor images in Photoshop or Paint.Net or whatever you use. Just a little something that will make everything make a little more sense.
24) "Actually, the markings on the taniwha looked a lot like the tattoos on Wiremu’s face, thought Jayden." I think "thought Jayden" is unnecessary. Or you could switch it to "Jayden thought" and put it after "Actually."
25) "memorise" still not sure if this a British/Kiwi spelling but in US it's "memorize"
 Favorite Lines: "he hated it when he told his parents about something he’d read and they told him he was saying it wrong." I hate it when that happens too!
Overall Impression & Conclusion: Well, I hope that was mean enough for you. I'd suggest working a LOT on your imagery, and a little more action and explanation. Those grammar things, some are probably Kiwi grammar stuff that's different, but still take a look at them. If there's something you would like me to focus on let me know!
~ CJ Reddick  
 WRITE ON!
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PLOT: A sad story. A woman discovers her husband's been cheating on her since before they were even married. It's sad that he still married her. He only made the situation worse. You leave the story open-ended, we can only imagine what happened to Sam next. This gives us a hopeful message. Great job 
GRAMMAR/TYPOS: Whenever you decide to add a little something after '... said' make sure that you put a comma. So for example:
CHARACTERS: I still wonder why David would marry Sam even though he loved someone else. He seems kind of stupid and selfish. Or maybe just stupid, and he honestly did not want to hurt Sam. Sam seems like a likable character. Her life should now be better, right? 
SETTING: There's not much setting here but it is not needed.
PLOT:
SETTING/IMAGERY: 
FIRST IMPRESSION: I was driven by curiosity to find out what happened to Emma. The ending was predictable enough, but it was still okay.
PLOT: Basically, mom loses boy, boy comes back from dead, kills mom, and they go to some afterlife together. This would be a good plot, but it needs some serious reworking in other areas (see below.)
CHARACTERS: Emma, Eric, and the old lady. We know Emma's world is Eric. We know Eric is dead. We know the old lady is creepy and that she helps Eric kill Emma. My suggestion will tie into below: try fleshing them out a little more. Descriptions, quirks, habits, stuff like that. 
SETTING/IMAGERY: This could use some work. Perhaps describe the house and room a little more. Is it cheery, lit up, and happy? Is it dark, dismal, and gloomy? What is the temperature?
GRAMMAR/TYPOS: Well, there is the tense thing that I was talking about above. There's also a few grammar mistakes. I'll just do one.
OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Two things: fix the tense problems and find a good balance between show and tell. Also, a quick grammar polish-up should help.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I truly believe that this will be a good piece once you fix the problems mentioned. 
PLOT: 
GRAMMAR/TYPOS: 
FAVORITE PART/LINE: 
OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: 
FINAL THOUGHTS: