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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/azulofegypt39/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
326 Public Reviews Given
326 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
WARNING: If I say "I'm going to be brutally honest" I'm not lying and you may or may not cry (it's happened before.)
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Historical Fiction, Mythology
Least Favorite Genres
Nonfiction, Romance (although the occasional good one I'll review)
Favorite Item Types
Well, I suppose statics. I like crosswords, but those don't particularly need reviews. I read more short stories than poems.
Least Favorite Item Types
Uh, I probably won't read a script, because I would prefer to see them acted out.
Public Reviews
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Review of Murder Mansion  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
You know, this almost completely mirrors a scene from the 1986 movie, Clue. Not sure what copyrights are on that, but this might be a little bit risky.
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Grace♥Leo health issues Author Icon,
I've decided to review your short story. Just as a disclaimer, please remember this is not my piece, but yours. Any suggestions I offer you you do not have to take.
*StarW*FIRST IMPRESSION: I've always liked scary stories. Except not those kind that leave you with nightmares. Your story seemed pretty simple but a little scary.
*StarBl*PLOT: A girl goes on a date at a haunted drive in. The plot moves good enough. My only question is what the missing repair guy had to do with this. That part didn't necessarily need to be there.
*StarW*GRAMMAR/TYPOS: There were two paragraphs during a conversation that were a little off.
“Oh yeah, right.” “Valerie what are you saying”?
and then it goes to...
“Valerie, he is probably taking a day off or maybe he died?"”Who knows? Just finish topping your hot dog so we can get back to the car. I don't need someone ripping the interior in my car. I left the top down.”
Starting with the first sentence.
“Oh yeah, right.” “Valerie what are you saying”?
First off these two should either be combined under a single pair of quotation marks, or put on separate lines. But combining them would be better. Also, the question mark must be inside the quotation mark. And, when addressing a person you should put a comma after the person's name. So, fixed, it would look like this.
"Oh yeah, right. Valerie, what are you saying?"
Then for the next part.
“Valerie, he is probably taking a day off or maybe he died?"”Who knows? Just finish topping your hot dog so we can get back to the car. I don't need someone ripping the interior in my car. I left the top down.”
Again, these should be combined under a single pair of quotation marks. Also, the first sentence should be made into two different sentences. When it says "I don't need someone ripping the interior in my car, you might want to take out the "in my car." It's an unnecessary repetition that disrupts the flow. So, fixed, it would look like this.
"Valerie, he is probably taking a day off. Maybe he died. Who knows? Just finish topping your hot dog so we can get back to the car. I don't need someone ripping the interior. I left the top down."

*StarBl*FAVORITE PART/LINE: "We talk about school and laugh about women being turned into robot perfect wives." Robot wives? Is that something you made up or a real movie? *Laugh*
*StarW*OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: I would take a look at the quotations again, and also I would add some commas for addressing people.
*StarBl*Thanks for letting me review your work,
C.R.
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Interesting idea. I like it. Especially considering the fact that Adam and Eve's bones would have been displaced during the flood.
Suggestion: Make the sentences shorter. They can state the same facts, but still not be one long, carry-on sentence.
Also, typo, Crreation, should be Creation.
Looking forward for maybe a sample or something posted here on WDC. *Smile*
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Review of For Love & Death  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
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SHORT STORY

         Hi, ThunderdUp Author Icon,
I've decided to review your short story. Just as a disclaimer, please remember this is not my piece, but yours. Any suggestions I offer you do not have to take. The final decision is yours.
         *Graph*FIRST IMPRESSION: I was driven by curiosity to find out what happened to Emma. The ending was predictable enough, but it was still okay.
         *Writing*PLOT: Basically, mom loses boy, boy comes back from dead, kills mom, and they go to some afterlife together. This would be a good plot, but it needs some serious reworking in other areas (see below.)
         *People*CHARACTERS: Emma, Eric, and the old lady. We know Emma's world is Eric. We know Eric is dead. We know the old lady is creepy and that she helps Eric kill Emma. My suggestion will tie into below: try fleshing them out a little more. Descriptions, quirks, habits, stuff like that.
         *Beach*SETTING/IMAGERY: This could use some work. Perhaps describe the house and room a little more. Is it cheery, lit up, and happy? Is it dark, dismal, and gloomy? What is the temperature?
         *Smile*FLOW OF EMOTION: This is what needs the most work. There are several things that need to be fixed.
1) You constantly switch back and forth between past and present progressive. This caught me right on the first line and annoyed me. For instance, "Emma stood there shattered, broken in pieces as her son 8 year old son Eric Free is being lowered into the ground." Should be "Emma stood there shattered, broken in pieces as her son 8 year old son Eric Free was lowered into the ground. Or "Emma stands there shattered, broken in pieces as her son 8 year old son Eric Free is being lowered into the ground." This kind of sentencing continues through the whole piece, and needs some work.
2) You seem to suffer from a problem I have: tell-heavy. Telling, telling, telling, but never showing. Why tell the reader what is happening when they can show them? For instance, "On the way up to the front entrance, she hears a rumble in the nearby bushes." could be "While shuffling towards the front entrance, a rumble in the nearby bushes caught her attention." Strong verbs help. Constantly telling allows the reader to not feel any emotion from the characters at all. Scare the reader. More dialogue would be nice, as well.
         *FlagR*GRAMMAR/TYPOS: Well, there is the tense thing that I was talking about above. There's also a few grammar mistakes. I'll just do one.
"Emma stood there shattered, broken in pieces as her son 8 year old son Eric Free is being lowered into the ground." This sentence states Eric three different times. There are a variety of ways to fix this.
"Emma stood there shattered, broken in pieces, as her 8 year old son Eric Free is being lowered into the ground."
"Emma stood there shattered, broken in pieces, as her son Eric Free is being lowered into the ground."
"Emma stood there shattered, broken in pieces, as her son, 8 year old Eric Free is being lowered into the ground."
Just a few different ways. Also I added a comma after pieces. Don't quote me on that, but I'm fairly sure that's what it's supposed to be like.
         *ThumbsUp*FAVORITE PART/LINE: Emma smiles, and tells Eric that she loves him, she looks over to see that the dark woman is now gone. Emma and Eric fade into the darkness, together, and for eternity.
It's a twisted end but it works.
         *PointRight*OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Two things: fix the tense problems and find a good balance between show and tell. Also, a quick grammar polish-up should help.
         *StarY*FINAL THOUGHTS: I truly believe that this will be a good piece once you fix the problems mentioned. *Smile*
Thanks for letting me read your work,
C.R.*Ankh*
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams Author Icon,
I've decided to review your short story. Just as a disclaimer, please remember this is not my piece, but yours. Any suggestions I offer you you do not have to take.
*Fire*FIRST IMPRESSION: I've read some of your short stories before. Congratulations on your many wins. I was wondering how this one would turn out.
*Fire*PLOT: I've noticed your stories tend to follow a basic plot line. A woman with some supernatural ability helps (or tries to help) a ghost cross over to wherever, usually at some expense to herself. Although this is a clearly tried and true method, perhaps you should try doing a little variant. Perhaps make the protagonist a male, or something. Nonetheless, as I have said earlier, it's a very tried and true plot that still works very well (obviously.)
*Fire*GRAMMAR/TYPOS: None that I noticed.
*Fire*FAVORITE PART/LINE: When I opened the car’s door --- crying, sweating and still upset about their uncertain fate, I saw - neatly lying on the passenger’s seat - a brown, rough but beautifully hand-carved stone in the shape of a heart.
*Fire*OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: One thing I noticed. You describe the area as completely empty except for the house and the gas station. But, when the waitress talks, you'd think you are in the middle of a town somewhere. Which is it?
*Fire*FINAL THOUGHTS: As always, a good ghost story.
*Fire*Thanks for letting me review your work,
C.R.
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Lobelia is truly blessed Author Icon ,
I've decided to review your script. Just as a disclaimer, please remember this is not my piece, but yours. Any suggestions I offer you you do not have to take.
*Pencil*FIRST IMPRESSION: I knew this basic story, so I had a pretty good idea of what I was going to be reading.
*Vignette1*PLOT: An activity for children in the story of Paul and Silas. Paul and Silas cast out a fortuneteller's demonic spirit and the owner has them arrested. This stays true to the basic biblical plot.
*Cut*GRAMMAR/TYPOS: I think that up in the cast of characters you may have forgotten to put fortuneteller on a new line. Also, I would capitalize the props and all of the characters' names. This isn't really a grammar thing, just something that I like to do.
*Vignette2*FAVORITE PART/LINE: This isn't really a part, but I personally love how you incorporate the kids into it. I personally have volunteered a lot in church childcare and I know they love it when they get to help act out stuff. Thanks for writing this!
*Paste*OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: None really. Perhaps format it, center it and put the character that speaks the lines above the lines, so like this.
JAILER
I believe!


*Vignette3*FINAL THOUGHTS: I loved that this took a Bible story and made it easy for kids to understand. Also, it allowed them to be a part of it, which I'm sure helped them learn the lesson even better! Great work!
Thanks for letting me read your work,
C.R.

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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Weirdone-Back in the games Author Icon,
I've decided to review your short story. Just as a disclaimer, please remember this is not my piece, but yours. Any suggestions I offer you do not have to take. The final decision is yours.
         *SuitClub*FIRST IMPRESSION: I was curious about what this could be. It kind of differs from denomination to denomination (as I've learned in the past few months.)
         *SuitDiamond*PLOT:Young Alex Lella learns about God. Interesting, and funny at points. If only I had been in that teacher's shoes. Unfortunately, I would probably not be as patient as she was. Patience is a virtue... which I do not possess.
         *SuitSpade*CHARACTERS: Well, there's you. I don't really need to dis on characters created by real people.
         *SuitHeart*SETTING/IMAGERY: Not much, but none needed, so it's good.
         *SuitClub*GRAMMAR/TYPOS: "Australopithecus", I said." Should be "Australopithecus," I said."
         *SuitDiamond*FAVORITE PART/LINE: "Well, somehow of all the things we had learned that year, that seemed like the least likely, but I accepted it."
         *SuitSpade*OVERALL SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: This is nonfiction, not particularly my forte of reviewing. Since these are actual events, I don't really need to tell anything to improve it, since you can't go back in time and change what happened. Perhaps take out the last paragraph. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the story. And the line before it sounds like a good punctuation mark.
         *SuitHeart*FINAL THOUGHTS: This was very interesting. I've always kind of wondered what kind of education on God and the Bible Catholic children get. Based on the people in my Theology class, I was wondering if there was any. (I mean, my 3rd grade brother is learning the same stuff we are.) Thanks for the interesting read. Oh, and I found your egg! Vengeance for stolen eggs! Mwahahaha.
Thanks for letting me read your work,
C.R.*Ankh*
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh, I like this one. I don't typically review my competitors in this tournament, but I normally read the entries for the Original Character Tournament.
I like the card reading. It's one of my favorite parts. The present was perhaps the best portrayed. Great Job and Good Luck!
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Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Haha! One thing after another, eh? Honestly, I would have put some real pants on before going outside. Grammatically, everything seemed correct. All-in-all a great work! I enjoyed it; comedy is one of my favorite genres. Great Job and Write On!
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Review of Ode to Coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Coffee, huh? I honestly can't stand coffee. Just way too bitter. This was a nice poem, but I think it might look good if you center it. In my opinion, poems should always be centered. Is the a sort of free verse? I picked up the occasional rhyme but not much. The double spacing helps to make it more readable. I have a real problem with that in my own items. Great job and Write on!
*Star* I'm participating in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. with "The Talent Pond" Open in new Window. *Star*
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Review of Ode to Coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Coffee, huh? I honestly can't stand coffee. Just way too bitter. This was a nice poem, but I think it might look good if you center it. In my opinion, poems should always be centered. Is the a sort of free verse? I picked up the occasional rhyme but not much. The double spacing helps to make it more readable. I have a real problem with that in my own items. Great job and Write on!
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Review of Perspectives  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a nice, sweet, simple poem about thankfulness. This reminds me of the comedy movie Deck the Halls. Probably because there's this guy who's like obsessed with Christmas, and his favorite Christmas memory was when he and his grandpa were snowed in for Christmas and ate french fries and chocolate milk on the kitchen floor. So, in other words, I like it. Great Job and Write On!
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Review of Trouble Brewing  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Funny! I like the rhyme scheme. The story about a clumsy witch is amusing. The thought of tongue of bat just kind of makes me shiver. I think it's really gross. All witches seem to have cats. Why can't one just have a dog? Just a thought. Great Job and Write On!
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice short story! You fill people with compassion for Haru. The bonsai must have been really old. You emphasize the suddenness of the earthquake and tsunami. If I had not accidentally scrolled down and as I was scrolling back up and read the red writing first, I would have not known what was going to happen. Great Job and Write On!
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha! That's funny. I'd probably be a Brittney. I"d be like "what's wrong with you," and "you're supposed to be a teacher," and "this isn't funny." I'm slightly OCD about a few things, and incorrect history is one of them. Especially Egypt. That's when I get a little snappy. Like when someone mispronounced Sphinx... Great Job and Write On!
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Review of The Artist  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice! Writers (especially me) will get that flash of inspiration as well. I write it down as fast as possible, and then I may not write anything on that story for a few weeks. Were those few words bolded because this was a contest entry? Great Job and Write On!
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Review of Bike Riding  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Haha! This takes a funny image (the fat man on the bike) and puts it from his point of view. But, honestly, how many people ride bikes in the winter? He should've least waited till summer, when it was warm and there was no ice or anything for him to slip on. Great job and Write On!
Submitted For:
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Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Summer goes too fast. I agree. I"m not much of a golfer, but my dad, uncles, and grandfather all love it. It's like their ultimate bonding thing. Me, I just like to be sitting at a computer writing or sitting on a couch reading. Great Job and Write On!
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Review of To a Pessimist  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You always have to look on the bright side of life right? This is a nice poem with a hopeful ending. Nothing smells worse than burnt anything. Well except burnt candles... maybe. I particular like the ABCB rhyme form. It's used by one of my favorite authors, and I'm always happy to see it used. Great Job and Write On!
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Review of Bottom  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice! That's the one thing to focus on when you're stuck in a low place: There's nowhere to go but up. This nice, simple form is really neat. I like the way it sort of forms an arrow going up. The font and color look nice too. Great job and Write On!
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Review of Up Down  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting. Are you bipolar? Or are you related to someone who is? I don't mean to offend you in any way about that, just so you know. The switching sides is a little disorienting, but I think that's kind of the point. We though my cousin was bipolar when he was younger, but then he grew out of whatever seemed to be making him act bipolar. Great Job and Write On!
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Review of Hungry Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh, wow. This is about dreams, right? My dreams are... interesting... to say the least. But I often say "Please, let me go back to sleep." Man, I hate waking up in the morning. But we all have to, right? I like the poem. It's a really, really nice way to describe dreams. Way to go and Write On!
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Review of Uninvited  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Funny story about trying to get into a party you're uninvited too! The rhymes are nice and clever. This must be a really rich person, if they have a security staff for their party. I like this poem and hope no one ever has to actually go through it. All-in-all Great Job and Write On!
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Review of My Music  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice job talking about how influential music can be. Music can build you up and uplift you, or tear you down and leave you feeling hopeless. This is why I think we should avoid "bad" music that is demeaning to others and selves. Great job and Write On!
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Review of GREED  Open in new Window.
Review by CJ Reddick Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Great poem about greed! Greed is a hard thing that everyone deals with, I think. But we all need to overcome that. Everyone must either succumb to greed and let it take over their thoughts and actions, or defeat it and continue on with life. In the end, all greed will turn into a net, like you have said. Everyone will be caught in their own greed. Great job and Write On!
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