*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bertiebrite/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
292 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 ... Next
101
101
Review of The Bridge Home  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Strong mental imagery. I can feel the drag of the woman's feet up the slope of the bridge and the relief she feels at attaining the sumit. This is skillfully written and a joy to read.
I find no spelling or grammatical flaws and the rythym was spot on. An easy read and genuinely lovely work. Blessings
102
102
Rated: E | (4.0)
What happened? Where's the rest? I am very interested because this has the seeds of a very engaging story. I gave it 4 rating because the idea is wonderful. I look forward to a finished story.
103
103
Rated: E | (3.5)
The ending of this poem was really good. If you don't mind a little constructive criticism, in the first line, eliminate "she" and the rythym will flow more smoothly. A typo in the sixth line I think you meant "home" and wrote "him". Take away the period at the end of the eighth line
Try this punctuation:

She agreed most eagerly
the man seemed meek and kind;
little did Mrs. Trundle know
what fate the cats would find.

There are two many syllables here:

He enjoyed his crazy experiments.
That's how he liked to play.

Perhaps eliminate "his crazy"

This part has only grammatical improvements take away the commas

Some say when it is windy
and the day has turned to night,
you can see him in his yard
flying a fuzzy grey-tailed kite.


This is really a wonderful poem. A little adjustment should make it better. Remember, this is only my opinion and I only seek to give you advice that I believe will improve your poem. You don't have to do a thing to your work it is yours after all.
Thank for the opportunity to read and critique this piece, it is a really good idea set to poetry.
104
104
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You get the point across perfectly. I find the meter a little off in the areas where you are explaining the action, maybe there is a beat left out? I try to read my poems rythymically to see if the meter fits. Just a suggestion. Also, was the last eight stanzas part of the poem? It confused me a bit, although the meter was much more decided in the last eight lines. Good imagery, especially through the mind of the molester. Well put together and flowed nicely. Thanks for sharing, Blessings, Bertie
105
105
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good rhyme, well thought out. The point you made was spot on and the poem lives up to it's title. It has a very lively message without being heavy handed.
Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie
106
106
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, I thought the ryhme was flawless and quite often fun. For instance:

He grabbed my arm with crooked smile
And dribbled on my coat.
‘Would sir be kind and give to me
A legal tender note?

It's such a comic picture and so very vivid that you took me in right away. The story is really well constructed, a thief after all.

My one criticism is that the fifth and seventh stanzas break form with five lines. This made me stumble through the fifth verse and I had to re-read it to get the gist. This is a well written poem overall. Only you know how you want your work to read and you don't have to take my advice, I think this is a wonderful poem.
107
107
Review of A Mother's Sonnet  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wonderful rythym. I enjoyed this poem for it's truth in telling and the fact that it was honest without sentimentality. I can see your buttons just bursting with pride at seeing her with her children. There is a whole story here in a few short verses and that is an achievement. Keep writing and thank you for sharing yor talent
108
108
Review of Winters Glow  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Perfect rythym and rhyme coupled with strong mental imagery. I loved the walk through a snowy day that you treated me to. Beautiful picture, wonderfully painted. Blessings
109
109
Review of Refrain  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very vivid. Brevity is the essence of good poetry. Get the most out of a few lines, a few words. You succeeded wonderfully here, this could inspire a whole story. Very well done.
110
110
Rated: E | (3.5)
The ending of this piece tells me nothing. The language flows beautifully through the work, and it is therefore, rapidly read. But, I don't see a point to this. The narrator is dying, that is evident and the title comes into play with the idea of the story, but the end is anti-climatic. Perhaps you meant it this way, ending before the "ending?" It is hard for me to tell. Liked your use of English, though.
111
111
Review of Illusions  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ouch, really good. Poor little Merlin. This is really well put together, the style is direct no wasted words. Your setting is very dark and damp and adds to the reader's alienation. I enjoyed this, very original.
112
112
Review of Gone  
Rated: E | (3.5)
In my opinion brevity is the essence of a good poetic endeavor. The shorter the poem and the more successful a writer is of making his point in a few short lines the more accomplished the author. That being said, this is surely brief, but, there is a world of philosophy in those five short lines. The other wonder of poetry is construction. Although this does not rhyme and does not have a stated rythym, it opens a world of thought for those who read it. The world of man is brief and this poem is a clear application of that thought. Keep writing, this is well done.
113
113
Review of Smithy My Friend  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Rythym and rhyme are excellent, Punctuation good, found no errors. The sentiment is regretful without the heavy handed sadness that would weigh this poem down. Good construction, keep writing.
114
114
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the language of this vignette. It is natural and that is a gift. Rich dialogue is difficult to construct. There are some tense errors, for instance:
" my breath catching in my throat when the door cracks open so easily' "when the door cracked open" would be a little less confusing.
Overall this was a well written piece just long enough to portray the scenes you wished to construct. It may be advantageous to amplify the scene where she sees herself sitting in the chair. Just a bit more descriptive value, maybe a little of the room she's in, or the way the light came across her image. Make it more eerie.
Perhaps you could combine some of the ending sentences to emphasize the breif time she has to impress the passers-by. Aside from this minor point, the ending was perfect and unexpected. Remember this is your work and you may take all or nothing of my suggestions. Most important keep writing and honing your skill.
Blessings
115
115
Review of The Pocketwatch  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very interesting and engaging story. You pulled it together with solid mental imagery. There are some constructive errors, but they could easily be corrected with a pre-read before publishing. The story moved along really well and the tie in with the watch worked at just right time in the story so that it was not predictable.
Overall it was easy to read and well thought out. Remember this is your work and you may take some or none of what I suggest. However, I believe that these small changes will make a difference.
Blessings
116
116
Review of MAD COW DISEASE?  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is so funny, I laughed outright. Well constructed and humorous, rythym and rhyme are great. Really an enjoyable read.
117
117
Review of Shattered  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good alliteration, word pictures are strong. My only question is why you changed the style in the last stanza? Although it rhymes very nicely it kind of sets off the rhythm. Very brief and to the point makes for a forceful statement.
118
118
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh, heavens, I am there with you. I always feel so much younger than my 62 years. Looking in the mirror is a wake up call, just as you state here. When seen through the eyes of love, all changes. This poem had excellent rythym and rhyme, didn't miss a beat. And, the resolution of the last stanza ties the whole thing nicely together. I enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.
119
119
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice, well done statement without sentimentality. Logical in questioning what we will do to make things better as the humming bird took and gave.
My only criticism is the first stanza. It does not follow the rythmic pattern of the rest of the stanzas; the lines in the first stanza are shorter than the rest. Overall, it gets the point across with lovely imagery and alliteration. Keep writing, this is well done.
120
120
Review of Mind Workers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The flow of this piece is really well executed. I enjoyed your take on classical psychology, it can be a lot of mumbo-jumbo and everyone's got their own interpretation of how we are supposed to think and what makes us what we are. Loved the lines about Siggy Freud, I often wondered why the world payed so much attention to an individual addicted to cocain. Go figure. My only criticism is Poe spelled his first name Edgar, not edger. Overall, very well written.
121
121
Rated: E | (4.5)
Believe it or not, this poem took me way back to when I was a child on autumn walks with my mom and infant brother. We would walk along and I would kick leaves or throw them up over my head. My mom would tell me the names of trees and flowers as we passed by. Very inspiring piece, flowed along easily. The little one's mind is so filled with possibilities, super hero, fighting bad guys, or maybe dueling with dad. The poem traces the way a young one would be inspired by a simple thing like a stick. A tribute to childhood imagination. Keep writing, I enjoy your work.
122
122
Review of The Young Wolf  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"She peers around an aspen tree" I can see this. The moonlit glint of her pelt, the stealth inherent in her approach to prey. There is much more suggested her than actually stated and that is, in my opinion what poetry is about. A scene played out with the minimum of wordplay so that only the raw idea is left. Concise and direct your word pictures say it all. Nice job.
123
123
Rated: E | (3.0)
I read this poem because I love brevity in poetry and no other division of poetic expression lends itself to briefness as does Haiku. However, I don't feel myself qualified to disect this poetic form. This poem expresses a definite statement, to the point. My only suggestion would be to find an alternative for "okay" To me, it weakens the final impact. You may want to take my advice or not. If you do, please let me know; I would love to see the alteration. Above all, keep writing, nothing improves our styles like practice.
124
124
Review of Asylum  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This poem reflects the need for protection not only from the world outside, but from the world within us that can be just as hurtful. It is effective in the way that it makes a person reflect on the need for peace. I would suggest that you decide whether you want this poem to rhyme or be a blank verse, one that does not rhyme. An author can say a great deal in a short piece and that is why I love poetry. In the first stanza the word "asylum" is used one time and is alternated with "safety" in the second line. This gives the word "asylum" more strength and creates your opening impact. Thereafter, l feel that the word "asylum" is used too often and the middle of the poem loses it's impact. I would suggest using alternative words as you did in the first stanza, such as: succor, peace, shelter.
One other factor is your length of line. Especially in blank verse, the rythym is dependent on syllables. In the first line you have eight and also in the second, but then in the third and fourth you break into 5 syllables. Think of your poem as a sort of song. If you analyze the line of a song from verse to verse and clap the syllables out you will notice that from verse to verse they repeat the beat pattern. I do this often with my own verse and I find it effective to clap out the beat of my poem to keep the rythym true.
I enjoyed reading this poem. Brevity is important to me, unless you are writing a saga and you have conveyed a strong emotion with just a few words and four verses. I would love to see a re-write of this. One way that you could keep the third and fourth stanzas with the syllable construction they already have would be to add one more verse using the beat that occurs in the first and second stanza.
Remember, this is your work and you can take all my suggestions, some of them or none. I would love to see you keep writing, remember "practice makes perfect.
125
125
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hopeful, I really think this is good. A bit too many words and, at times your sentence structure gets a little twisted, but overall it is filled with so much feeling that those things mean little and are fixable. I suggest you re-read this, knock out some of the extra words and watch your spelling. I would love to see you work on this and re-post. The Title is what attracted me and I see the theme carried through in this piece. I enjoyed this aand look forward to reading a re-write. If you seriously want to re-write this, I will do some editing for you. Let me know.
127 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bertiebrite/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/5