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51
51
Review of Toothbrush  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of TGDI REVIEW GROUP. These statements are only my opinions and as such you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: Toothbrush - The title fits the story after you have a read a bit.

THEME: The theme is of an alien trying to recruit an earthling for a station in his society.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: "Why he got a toothbrush painted all seven shades of the rainbow to their date . . ."
Perhaps you mean 'brought' instead of "got"? I know that there are different ways of saying things in different parts of the world, so if "got" fits in your colloquialisms, then leave it alone.

" . . . she did not know nor did she want to find out."
Place a comma after 'she did not know,'

"The moment she left her seat, she spotted the waitress who had tried to put the moves on the budding toothbrush salesman that had asked her out."

This is an awkward sentence; try" 'The moment she left her seat she spotted that waitress who tried to put moves on her date.'
It is not necessary to keep repeating that he was a toothbrush salesman.
Also, it is implied that a friend hooked her up with this guy, so why had he asked her out?

"This one prevented from developing a migraine or any of her relatives from suddenly expiring."

I'm not sure what this means by 'any of her relatives from suddenly expiring.'
It begs clarification.

"Fully expecting to find that her date had left, she immediately checked whether she had her trusty card with her. It would be just like him to leave her the tab while he went home to worship his toothbrush some more."

Omit the words "some more." They are unnecessary.

"In fact she needn't have bothered being all sneaky."

Omit the word 'all'.

"An insistent beeping from his wrist watch made him turn on the TV. How those two actions were connected, it was not known."

Since the connection and reasons are revealed a few lines later, the last sentence is not necessary.

“The next candidate I interviewed showed intentions of taking any sort of responsibility or committing herself to anything.”
Here, I think you mean to say that the second candidate 'showed no intentions of taking any sort of responsibility . . .{

STRUCTURE: It would be advantageous for you to have more dialogue between the young woman and the toothbrush guy. First of all, if he is doing the toothbrush thing for a class, he's not a full fledged toothbrush salesman.
Second, I think it would be more enjoyable to read some witty conversation between the two as to how he lauds this toothbrush and what the young lady thinks he should do with the toothbrush. Right now, it is humorous but flat.
Third, I would want to see more of why the toothbrush is so important an item in the alien society. Do they have multiple rows of teeth? Were they hampered in the past by rampant tooth decay? There is not enough reasoning behind the use of this vehicle.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: "It was dramatic. It was eye-catching. It was a toothbrush."
This lead in really grabbed my interest.

MY SUGGESTIONS: I would increase the dialogue between the pair. Let them tell through words with each other, his anxious pleading and her desire to be rid of him. This would move the story along in a much more entertaining manner. Also, give an explanation of why the toothbrush is so important. I would add, as well, a bit of descriptive prose either of him, her, or their surroundings to break up the story a bit.
Overall I enjoyed this piece.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie
52
52
Review of The Sisters  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group
"


TITLE; The Sisters The story centers around two women, sisters on a beach. The title fits well.

THEME: This is a story of the unknown. It is successful as far as the theme is concerned

STRUCTURE: Aside from the fact that I think the women ask the girl to come closer too often, it is a well structured, enjoyable story.
The dialogue gets just a bit cloudy as to whom is speaking at the time. Some sentences seem to be coming from either woman. I think their speeches are too long at the beginning.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: There are no errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a great little tale. I did not guess that these were ghosts right away, just some nosey old women on a beach. The time and place that they came from is mysterious. I think this should be played up a bit more. I would also cut some of the dialogue in favor of more action and description.
It was a good read, easily flowing from point to point. The story idea, while not unique to you, held my interest, especially when they talked about the Great Storm.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: I enjoyed the way the women remained mysterious as to when they died. They could have perished at any time in history and new of the the storm and their neighbor's destruction through observation from the ghostly plain.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Cut out some of the dialogue. That is my only suggestion for this litle gem.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
53
53
Review of Free at Last  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group
"


TITLE; FREE AT LAST From the hints in this very short missive you get the point that someone has died by their own hand. The title fits.

THEME: The theme is of the loss of life of someone dear to the writer.

STRUCTURE: This is so brief, although it does tell alot about the action in the story, it is not enough to judge structure. The narrative begins in the middle of the action. The story follows the prompt, incorporating the sentence into the idea well.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: You change tenses which can confuse a reader. IE: "Mother was in shock or either laughing to keep from crying."
Two sentences late "No one anticipated this; perfection is only skin deep."
This would run smoother if it was all in present or past tense.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: The story takes place after all the action takes place. Therefor it is anti-climatic. We only get a glimpse at the after-math and none of the story. It is like a plate of potatoes with no meat. I would like to see more. What led up to this dreadful action? Who are these people that morn? What were the circumstances that drove the person to this act?

MY SUGGESTIONS: Fill this story out. I think it could be a very good piece of work. If the rest is as powerful as this, then you will have a very fine story to post.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
54
54
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

*CandyCaneR* Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group"}*CandyCaneR*


TITLE: The Christmas Mouse The title lead me to believe that I would be reading a Christmas tale and as such, the title does not fit.

THEME: The theme is a Christmas Mouse. In the body of the work, there is only one mention of this.

STRUCTURE: There is no story structure. It is more like a synopsis, a brief outline of what the writer intends to capture in their tale. If it is a synopsis it should be labled as such. The outline looks interesting, I would want to read the whole story.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: I noted no errors.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: Interesting concept. Stories told from the point of view of an animal are always compelling to me. Getting inside their heads is tricky because you have to maintain the animal ways, but translate them onto paper. There is not enough character development here to make the story live.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: The idea of the story is my favorite part. I would really like to see it developed into a full story with all the characters developed.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Write the whole story.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
55
55
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


Happy Holidays from "WDC Power Reviewers Group"

*XMasTree*


TITLE; MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING No, it is not, but by the end of this poem you understand what it means to those who do not possess it. The title is a foretelling of content.


THEME: Those who are without on Christmas. The theme is carried through with plain facts, not designed to feel heavy, but to alert the reader to the truth about many people's plight on Christmas.


STRUCTURE: Although it is set in a poetic form, it reads more like a short story. This helps to move the piece along. It develops as a story would, with a beginning, middle and end. As such it is totally engaging and well constructed.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: There are no errors in these categories


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: As one who lived through many Christmas' like those depicted here, I feel you hit the nail spot on. The lonelyness and want is clearly portrayed without the poem becoming syrupy and overly maudlin.


MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"The bell-ringer
by the red bucket at Christmas
gives me a warm smile.
Makes me wish I had money to give
for people whose lives
are sadder than mine."

This says all to me. My mom always told me that- The poor help the poor, the rich help themselves."

In this verse I see the generosity of those who, if they only have a slice of bread, will gladly give you half. These are the people that make the world go round and the majority of them suffer intensely.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Poems like this one are necessary when Christmas comes around. It should be required reading. We are so blessed in this country, but there are still so many without. Many Blessings to you on this holiday season, may your Christmas' be one of plenty and joy.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie
56
56
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

*Star**XMasTree*Happy Holidays from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" *Star**XMasTree*



*CakeP* HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM: ME *BalloonR*


TITLE {{c:red}b}CAST DOWN AT MERCY'S FEET{/b} Given the subject matter of this poem, the title says exactly what the poem intends. Well done.

THEME: Every line in this poem contributes to the hopelessness that this poem tries to project. Nothing is out of line with the theme.

RHYME: The poem does not rhyme, and I feel that that fact adds to overall feeling in this piece. The rapid staccato statements echo the finality about to be performed.

RYTHM: The rhythm is urgent. This gives the reader the feeling that there is not enough time left. It moves the reader along to the ending.

MY IMPRESSIONS: This is a powerful poem. The idea expressed here is strong and compelling. It is a peek into the mindset of one who is about to take their own life. Very effective, especially in tone and fast paced rhythm.

FAVORITE PART:
"Python desperation squeezes at the throat!"

This powerful line says a world. Using the Python a constrictor to squeeze the throat. The reader is aware of the gasping for breath, the hopelessness in this person's last thoughts as they end their existance

MY SUGGESTIONS: I would change nothing. It is a powerful poem.

Thank you for permitting me to
review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.
57
57
Review of Inside Us  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello: My name is Bertie. This is a "Let's Give Thanks Review from the "TGDI Group" 
These suggestions are only my opinions and as such, you may take all of what I say, or none. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:INSIDE US: I enjoyed the way the title is hinted at in this poem, with lines like:

"see it in a lovers kiss
Their eyes deep inside the other"

The poem retains an intimate quality as if spoken only to those "in the know".

THEME; The theme appears to be exceptance. A special place, or way of thinking and being where those shunned belong explicitly and without question.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION: I think that puncutation would benefit this poem by individualizing each thought as it flows to the next. ie: the first four lines:

"Tonight when the sun goes down
The moon exhilarates the sky
Tonight I become alive
Essence of the night (Becomes me)"

With punctuation you might state it as:
Tonight, when the sun goes down,
the moon exhilirates the sky.
Tonight, I became alive.
Essence of the night (Becomes me)"

Why did you place the words becomes me in brackets?

Further punctuation would help to make each line stand out and improve the statements. In this fashion, the reader would be forced to linger on your thoughts and absorb the poem more easily.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This is a wonderful poem. Very deep in meaning. The rythm is a bit uneven, but I think it adds to the strength of the poem especially with the short burst of phrases at the end.


MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"Slightly above the abyss
I see it in a lovers kiss
Their eyes deep inside the other"

These lines are lyrical and expressive, providing a total picture that tells a story withing itself.


MY SUGGESTIONS:
My only suggestion is to punctuate the piece. I think that punctuation would add strength to each line and separate the powerful thoughts that add up to the entire piece.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. I enjoyed the poem and will return to read more of your work. Blessings, Bertie
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58
Review of Hospice Heart  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
How delicately beautiful are the sentiments laid out in this poem. Never once do these sensitive ideas become maudlin or tedious, although the subject is heavy. I so enjoyed this poem I have made it one of my favorites. I am not skilled at in depth poetry reviewing, so I will only say that this is one of the loveliest poems I have ever read on this subject.
I have a few favorite parts:

"perhaps time rejected
time doesn't heal everything"

No, I know from hurtful experience it does not.

"a bed that gives her no voice
wondering, am i there for her, or myself
both i pray"

A question I have asked myself often.

"when i close my eyes to dream, i think by now...
they must have about a million friends in heaven"

This line particularly affected me. I have had a run of death going through "best friends". After a while you don't want to take the chance on another person, but Heaven see's things differently because death, as you have lead your reader to see is so much a part of life.

I thank you for posting this poem. It is one of the best I've had the good fortune to review. Blessings to you and yours, Bertiebrite
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59
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie and I am reviewing this short story on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS SHOP. These comments are only my opinions and as such, you may take some of my advice or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: I Thought It Was Thanks Giving:
On the whole, the title fits the story as a Thanksgiving peace. However, I do not see that the title exactly portrays the story content.

THEME: Thanks Giving, Thanksgiving, the theme is well set and follows the story line.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION:"Or perhaps more appropriately turkey day." Place a comma after Or and appropriately.
"So if this is true then why are we killing the turkey and eating it." Place a comma after So and true.

" . . . were my thoughts as i . . ." Capatilize I

"Perhaps when I get older it will make sense to me." Change get to got and will to would to keep this sentence in the future tense.

" . . . was this definitely was not this turkeys . . ." Add an apostrophy after the "y" in turkeys to show possession.

" . . . turkeys day to become our food." Same as above an apostropy in turkeys.

"Much later:" Since the next sentence brings us through the years that have passed, omit this phrase.

" . . . my family, . . ." No need for a comma here.

" . . . the heroes of this wonderful even t . . ." Close the space at the end of event.

"I gradually realized that the heroes of this wonderful even t were my mother and the turkey for which I was extremely grateful giving thanks for their sacrifices which made it possible for me to survive, learn many life lessons and, give meaning to giving thanks other wise known as thanks giving or thanksgiving."

This is a run-on sentence. I suggest you place a period after "the turkey" Begin the next sentence with "I was extremely" add a period after survive. Begin the next sentence with I" change the word learn to learned,

: . . . and tell you about my impressions of Thanksgiving" add a semi-colon after Thanksgiving in this sentence.

The story goes like this. Place a colon (:) after the word this.

"Once upon a dime, . . ." Do you mean Once upon a time?

" . . . because of all the seeming happy . . ." Omit the word "seeming" it weakens the illusion.

" . . . dangers I felt safe." Place a comma after dangers"

. . . there people . . ." Use their or the here.

"It seemed that i had to walk a very, very long way." Capatilize I
". . . and there behold . . ." This phrase is awakward, try adding a to before behold.

"And And what better way to make new friends. " Omit one And.

". . . was looking expectantly at . . ." Substitute one of the words expected or expecting. Over use causes redundancy and dulls the story's message.

"I supposed to know that i was the guest of honor because I was expected to give a talk?" Add the word was after I Capitalize I

"I was trying to think of what i would . . ." Capitalize I

"relax we are very, very glad to have you here . . ." Capatalize relax. In quotes the beginning of a speech is always capitalized.

"After all to know you is to be close and personal." Place a comma after After all

"why don't you come over here near the head of the table?" Capitalize why.

"There was center pieces . . ." Replace was with were

" . . . gone to a hung amount of trouble . . ." Do you mean a huge amount of trouble? " . . . dream.

And . . ."Make this one sentence use a comma after dream.}

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This story has a cute twist, making humans the subject of the Thanksgiving feast for a group of hungry turkeys. It flows quite well. I liked the off-beat idea behind this story.
dream.

MY FAVORITE PART: We were rich in family and poor in money, so my mother learned how to make a feast from nothing.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Nothing can replace careful proofreading and editing of your work. You may be able to find a spell check system online, if your computer does not provide one for you. If you have one, work with it activated. The spell and grammar check will tell you immediately when a word is misused or misspelled.

Keep writing and posting, that is the way we all learn from feedback and experimenting. Thanks for permitting me to read your interesting story.
Blessings, Bertie
60
60
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The WHi - Bertie here, I am reviewing this on behalf of Need Help With An Upgrade Fall Auction. These are my opinions. You may take some of my suggestions or none at all, in the end only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:The Wandering Story Teller
Good title fits the story.

THEME: The theme of a wandering story teller is carried through with intriguing delightfulness. I'm thinking that Fyndorian is not at all what he/she seems.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: I find no errors in spelling or grammar
D"orn Change the quote mark to an apostrophe. There is one more instance of this error.

MY SUGGESTIONS: This is an excellent start to a series. I will read more of this, becuase the beginning was so interesting. I have no suggestions for improvement in the overall body of work.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: The use of colloquial language works very well here. It separates the people from Fyndorian and makes the lead character stand out.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:Great beginning. Reeled me in like a fish on a hook. I am thouroughly interested in Fyndorian and D'orn. I will read the rest that you have posted soon.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work, Blessings, Bertie
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61
Review of Special Delivery  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, It's me, Bertie. I am reviewing your work for the Need Help With An Upgrad Fall Auction.
These are my opinions and you may take some of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: SPECIAL DELIVERY
The title is very intriguing however there is not enough of the story written to tell if the title carries through.

THEME: The theme seems to be one of peace. Although the mention of an "attack" and the fact that the subject cannot walk as they used to lends a curiosity about the rest of the story.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: I saw no errors in any of these catagories.

THINGS I WOULD CHANGE: This story grabbed my imagination from the beginning. I would love to read it in it's entirety. The beginning pulled me right in.

MY FAVORITE PART: "Water-logged still; numerous pale branches worn silken from endless waves, it was always fun to see the latest cache of seaweed or shells tucked into its many pockets. Like checking for sea-mail, there always seemed to be a new surprise."
Is the tree the "Special Delivery" system or the bottle with the note. Both of these ideas are really key to the story and the idea of the tree bringing things to the shore with each wave is a unique one.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: I would really like to see this story expanded. The beginning hints at a really good tale. There is just enough here to excite the imagination and I am left wondering what it is all about.

Thank you for permitting me to read and review your work. Keep writing and posting, Blessings, Bertiebrite
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62
Review of The Broken Goose  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, My name is Bertie
I am reviewing your work as a result of the Need Help With An Upgrade Fall Festival. These are my opinions. You may take some of what I suggest or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: The Broken Goose. This title works because of the references within the story that carry the title through to the end.

THEME: The Canada Geese are used as a symbol for loyalty and life's commitment all through the story. The theme never waivers from that fact.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION: I have noted no spelling or punctuation errors.
I do not note any grammatical errors.

STRUCTURE: The story is constructed well, although in answer to your question I would continue it to a longer version as your ending seemed to leave me hanging. There seemed at the end that this story was not finished with this one submission.

THINGS THAT I WOULD CHANGE:
"more so than signing documents or attending a closing, more so than the painting or polishing windows, more so than the placement of objects, more so than creating advertising or any of the other things she’d done to make it ready."
I would cut out one of these "more so" statements, it bogs that first paragraph down.

" . . . as V after V of geese flew in, waterskiing to a stop in the water."
Why not use "lake" in the last instance instead of water?

"She would call, “Here Momma Goose, Here Poppa Goose, Quack, quack, quaaaack.”
Ducks "quack" Geese "honk".

" . . . leaves turning her mountain fiery reds and golds" Do you mean, "turning their mountain . . .

"Poppa goose walked slowly, head low instead high and long necked." Insert the word "of" between "high" "and".

"The ringing phone startled Angel from her reverie. Walking inside the airy entry foyer and walking across the wide planked floors to the kitchen, Angel answered the phone. It was her daughter Kira calling from Spain where she and her husband were stationed in the Navy."
By this point in the story I had forgotten that she was in the act of opening a store. Perhaps you should shorten the history just a bit, or break up the rememberances so that the reader doesn't loose track of the original starting scenes.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a really well thought out tale. I enjoyed reading it. Living in New Jersey myself, I am well aquainted with Canada Geese. I especially liked the theme of this story. I was well satisfied with the fact that in her real life Angel did not realize all of her dreams. The fact that no knight in shining armor showed up to whisk her away gave a sharp tang of reality to this piece.

MY FAVORITE PART: "Her flights had been away from abuse rather than the lifelong flights of the Canada goose of her childhood. Her successes had been in writing flights of fancy, rather than in forming that ‘V’ where problems and troubles were solved by the formation of those two individual souls forever joined and working together."
This one paragraph nicely sums up the whole of the story. Placed where it is it is perfect for hindsight and future additions to this work.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your writing. Keep writing and posting, Many Blessings, Bertiebrite
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Review of Requiem  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello - My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions and as such, you may take some of what I advise or none of what I advise. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:
REQUIEM - As a title this fits the poem to a "T". It is a death knell for a relationship.

THEME:
The theme of this poem is a lost love. It never wavers from that theme.

STRUCTURE:
Although this poem utilizes a form that I am not familiar with the flow is successful. The poem is brief and to the point making for a rapid read.

MY FAVORITE LINE: "Fragrance

of demise dominates the atmosphere"

Your word pictures are vibrant. This line specifically adds the feeling of being totally engulfed in the loss.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
Succinct; delightful. Filled with feeling.

Thank you so much for permitting me to read your work. You are a very good poet and I am anxious to read more of your poetry.
Keep writing and posting. We learn by our reviews as well as any other method available.
Blessings, Bertie
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Review of IN HARM'S WAY  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really liked this poem. It had a wonderful rythm and flow to it that kept me moving right along. The subject matter is also very important to me.
My favorite part is:
"I paid the price, my dad did too, my grandpa led the way,
It’s time to stop this endless game, make war no more I pray"

My grandfather fought at Argonne Forest in WWI and my dad was wounded at Pearl Harbor in WW2. I am a patriot, but not a war monger. Like you, I long for peace. A beautiful poem; a prayer. I pray with you that we will be answered with peace soon.

Thanks for a great read. Blessings, Bertie
65
65
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So delightful, I couldn't stop reading. Well told story in rhyme. I don't feel qualified to do an in-depth review of poetic offerings in the same way I do prose. I will have to learn more about structure before I do that. But, I really enjoyed this poem. I am a fan of odes such as this, I've penned a few myself. This poem held my interest to the very end. You mentioned so many poets it was obvious you know your stuff Great read, enjoyable. Next time you get the chance to visit this jamboree take photos. :) Blessings, Bertie
66
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Review of Help at Home  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I so heartily agree with the above question. The US does go outside too much and not enough is spent here. Bush gave 80 mil to Iraq after 911, now what was that all about? We need money like that with the number of homeless and jobless here in our own land. I applaud you for the work you have done and wish you blessings for the work you will continue to do. Heaven speed your progress, Bertiebrite
67
67
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is downright humorous. I knew that the southern folks here in the USA sounded similar to English dialects, but I didn't know about the "Red Neck" connection. I'll bet you the idea of "Red Neck" is more common than Bill Engval knows. The term has become universal for half witted.

That aside, I found the beginning a bit wordy. Some of the terminology became clear by reading, but it might be a good idea to include explanations at the bottom of the page. At first, I thought this was a product review. It might be more advantageous to begin the narrative with the action and in the body explain the commonality of Red Necks and South Londoners that you discovered by seeing the video.

The piece reads like a Monty Python routine, (whom I am terribly fond of) and I enjoyed it.

My suggestion is to clip a bit of the wordiness, leave in the humorous accounts and rearrange the bit about the DVD. If you re-post after a revision, let me know, I would love to read it again. I will give you an in depth review if you wish, although there are not too many errors that I was aware of.

I enjoyed this look into a not-so-different culture. Blessings Bertie
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68
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are only my opinion. You may use some of my advice, or none at all. In the end, only you know how your want your work to read.

THEME: This is a poem built around the thought of deprevation. It never waivers from the theme. It is centered consistently around the topic.

TITLE: Somewhere In The World gives the poem a broad scope. It lives up to its title speaking about persons from all walks of life.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: This is a blank verse poem, and although that form uses little or no punctuation, I believe this work would benefit from a few commas.

"somewhere out there

a little girl is sitting on her bed

crying cause she misses her daddy

not knowing if he would come back..."

Add a comma after "somewhere". Add a semi-colon (;) after "bed". Change "would" to "will" in the last line.


"somewhere out there

a man lies next to the street

freezing

not knowing if he would eat in the next week..."

I would add a comma after "somewhere" in each first line. This will pause the reader so that they will be ready for the following thought.
"a man lies next to the street" If the man is lying next to the street he is on the sidewalk, however, if he is lying next to the curb he is lying in the street. Change the word "street" to "curb."
Omit the word "the" from the last line.
Change the word "would" to "will".
Place a semi-colon after the word "street" in the second line. Add a semi-colon after the word "freezing".

"somewhere out there

a woman is being held hostage

face to the carpet and afraid

not knowing if she would ever see her children again..."

I would omit the word "being" from the second line. "a woman is held hostage," fits the rythym of the poem more neatly.

Change "would" in the last sentence to "will".

Add a semi-colon after the word "hostage" and after the word "afraid".

"somewhere in the world

a old man sits

struggling to tie his shoe

not knowing who his family is..."

I found that the change in the first line of this stanza was refreshing. Perhaps it would be advantageous to try to do the same with the other first lines.

Change the first word of the second line from "a" to "an".

Add a period after the word "sits" in the second line.


"somewhere in the world

somebody has everything they need

everything they deserve

everybody they love

a home and money

food and clothes

a mother and father

but still isn't satisfied...."

I would change the word "deserve" to "desire" in the third line of this stanza.
Change "everybody" to "everyone" for the rythym to be tighter.
In the very last line, remove one period from the last line, elipses ( . . .) are only always three dots even at the end of a sentence.
Add commas after lines two through seven.


STRUCTURE: This poem needs punctuation to tighten the line by line rythym. It would also benefit by varying the wording of the first lines of each stanza.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This a poem of longing. It clearly speaks of the deprivation that people feel when separated from those they love. The last stanza highlights those who have all that the people in the previous stanzas long for, but are still not satisfied.
This poem needs punctuation to bring out the line by line punch that will bring power to the poem.


I would like to stress the need for punctuation in this poem. It is not necessary to capitalize letters, but for the sake of rythym; commas, semi-colons and periods are an important part of poetry. These punctuation marks help the reader to pause and take in a thought you have written before moving on to the next one.
I have enjoyed reviewing your work, thank you for the invitation to read your poem. Keep writing and putting your work out there for review.

Blessings, Bertie
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are my opinion only. You may take all of what I say or none of what I say, in the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

THEME: This is clearly an autumn poem. The alliterations are all of autumn with references to the harvest.

TITLE: Ballad Of The Wind, fits the poem in some aspect, but in my opinion the poem is more about the apple than it is the wind, even though the wind plays a strong part in the story.

RYTHYM: The poem moves very well due to its short sentences and phraseology.

RHYME: There is only one instance of rhyme in the fifth verse, in lines 19 and 21. It seems to upset the rythym just a bit, because I went back to re-read thinking I had missed something above.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I see no spelling errors, and there are no grammatical errors. My only question in this area is, why are verses two, then verses four through six within quotes. It is not clear who is speaking and I found that confusing.

ALLITERATION: I must make a comment as to your use of "word pictures." Your imagery is superb. A whole picture is conjured in this short set of verses. I can see the mouth opening on the red, juicy apple to take a bite; the colors are vivid, bringing to mind a wide spreading apple tree.

MY OVERALL OPNION: Beautiful poem. Strong imagery and statements make this a lyrical read.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"Rosy lush lips touching fingertips
on emerald green the chosen palette
you gently fell, to mark the moment;
did you think the wind would catch you?Y

You have given the apple a personality by asking the question in the last line.

"The color of dreams fading away,
when grass kneels to cushion the fall
to miss the harvest in a rotten mush,
but upon reflection, it's worth it all."

This verse sums up the poem nicely.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. Keep writing and posting, feedback from out fellow authors is a wonderful way to learn. Blessings, Bertie
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Review of Under Oak  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are only my opinion. You may take some of what I say, or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

THEME: This poem serves a dual theme of Autumn and Romance. It covers both subjects very well with references to both instances.

TITLE: The title "Under Oak" fits the poem very well as the action takes place under a tree.

RYTHYM: The rythym of this poem is a bit hard to grasp when read. When spoken aloud, as you read it in your recording, the rythym and verve come to life.

RHYME: There is are only two instances at rhyming lines in this poem, the second and forth lines with "hood" and "blood", then you Rhyme the last verse which threw me off the rythym of the poem because the body of the poem has a different timing.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I find no spelling errors. I find no grammatical errors.

" . . .forgotten of green" I do not understand this phrase. Does it refer to the fact that now the green of summer is gone? It is just a little unclear in the context of that verse.

". . . the folds of your dress
dance your hips' singing." You may want to add a comma after "dance" as it is not clear as it is stated now whether the dress dances or your lover's hips. " . . .dance your hips" is a bit awkward, because the word "singing" seems to be left out of the sentence.
The word "hips" does not need an apostrophe.


" . . . and kneeling" These words seem to be stuck in the poem. It really has no follow up.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: When read aloud this poem's rythym works beautifully. But, when read on the page it stumbles because of the change up in rythym and the phrases that need further explanation. I enjoyed hearing it more than reading it. It is effective as a romance piece. Your imagery is strong and provides the reader with a clear idea of what the poem entails.

Keep writing and posting. Through the comments of others we grow as a writer, experience is the only way we learn. Thank you for letting me review your work, Blessings, Bertie
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Review of Big Bad Wolf  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS. You may take all of what I say or none of what I say as advice. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


THEME: Since this is connected to a larger missive, it appears to carry the theme very well. An unknown entity will be considerably handled by the heroes.

TITLE: The title fits the story very well. Though "Big Bad Wolf" may lead one to believe it encompasses a children's fairy tale, this is anything but.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: “See, it's to easy. You got a hard on to keep the normals from getting hurt.” Change "it's to easy" to "it's too easy"

"It was one of a handful of tricks I had inherited, along with the ability to manipulate the areas of which said god held purview over; the sun which manifested as control over heat and flame and pestilence, which let me do some very creative, and often times not so pleasant, things with the naturally occuring bacteria and viruses inside the human body.'
This sentence is very wordy and uncomfortably long. Perhaps it would be advantageous to shorten, or make into more than one sentence. Spelling error for occuring - occuring

"He reached down as we walked, plucking a stick from the grass and sliding it behind his ear." How large is this stick? It confuses because if it is small enough to fit behind his ear, how will it be any use in defense? If it is big enough for defense, Eddie must have some enormous ears.

"The clearing my senses had led me too was a set two groups of trees." A set (of) two groups of trees?

“You know, call me crazy, but the crime scene tape led me to the same conclusion. Close quotes at the end of this sentence.

“It's quiet...too quiet.” Eddie whispered, grinning at his own corny joke."
I don't see a joke here. What is meant by this.

CHARACTERIZATION: The heroes are well rounded and portrayed as if you have known them a very long time. The confidence you show in their actions throughout the tale lead the reader back toward the theme every time. Something big and bad is about to be done away with. Despite their supernatural qualities they are very realistic.

STRUCTURE: Although this is a spin-off story, it flows very well and is great as a stand-alone. It peaks some interest in other tales as when there is mention of Jack's brother's death, and the intriguing bit about Jack's prison tattoos. It definitely has a beginning, middle and end.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: Enjoyable. Fast read, never bogging down in useless explanation or over flowery prose. The action is consistent once the protagonist enters the story. I would like to read more about this duo. They are engrossing characters.
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Review of What Do You Want?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Whitney/Richele- My name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. You may take some of what I suggest or none of what I suggest. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

Before I begin this review I want you to understand that just because the corrections may look like alot to do, it does not mean that you are a terrible writer. It means only that with the correction process you will learn what to do and what not to do.

THEME: The theme of a story is the overall message that the piece is trying to deliver. In this story, Nikkole is struggling for independence. It is very evident throughout the tale and the theme aspect is fullfilled.

TITLE: I do not find that the title fits the story. That does not mean that it will not fit it later on with more added to this piece. So, at this time it does not matter, but after the rest is developed it may. Remember what a title does. It pulls the reader in. I have read books I never would have noticed if it were not for the title. However, as I said above, wait for more of the story to develop before worrying over this. It is only something to keep in mind.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: "She watched crimson drip into white porcelin sink, she could hear her parents screaming at each other from downstairs." She watched crimson drip into "a" or "the" white porcelain . . . note that porcelain is spelled incorrectly.

"Her father has been traveling a lot for work lately and wants to move, but her mother refuses." Here you change your tenses. If you start with past tense, as you have in the first sentence which is passive present, you should maintain the same tense throughout your piece.

"If I hadn't been such a needy child, none of this would ever happen she thought." There are two ways to handle a persons thoughts in writing. One way is to make the sentence italicized without quotes. The other way is to use quotes and say "she thought" after the sentence.


"She grabbed a cool wash rag and wiped off her shoulder." Why did she have to wipe off her shoulder?

"s***!" she shouted, noticing she grabbed a white rag rather than a black one." Explain the problem with the choice of color of rag here.

"Nikkole quickly tossed the rag under sink and pushed her make up box in front of it." Obviously this is a problem, but it is not cleared up for the reader and you don't want them scratching their heads, do you?

"She starred . . ." change starred to stared.

"shattering the girl at the top." I thought there was a crown at the top.

"This is all your fault" she whispered fighting back her tears." Who's fault, the statue's? Make this clearer, perhaps naming the person or item she is blaming.

Nikkole was a pagent queen, for nearly every pagent she entered." Consider revising this to something like, Nikkole was a pageant queen; she had been queen for nearly every pageant she had entered.

"Her and her mother traveled the country every summer in search of them." Change her to "She". I know that may sound strange at first, but always think of the action. Her did not travel the country, she traveled the country. She and her mother.

"monitary" spelling change to "monetary"

"She knew if did . . ." place the word "she" after if and a comma after "did".

"I'm going to pick up your after I drop you off, so as soon as you get home, you change, and get to the garage, we've got a lot of rehersing to do." This is a long and difficult sentence to grasp. First, "I'm going to pick up your . . ." your what? Brother, father, costume? The rest of the sentence can be made into two sentences, ie: omit "so" begin the sentence with "As"
"As soon as you get home, change and get to the garage. We've got a lot of rehearsing to do. Misspelling on "rehearsing."

"Nikkole rolled her eyes shook her head" place a semi-colon (:) after "eyes".

"Nikkole saw the school and thought she was saved," end this sentence at "saved" with a period. Start a new sentence and paragraph when her mother speaks. As a rule, every time someone speaks, it should begin a new paragraph. Don't worry it it is only one word such as, "What?" A new paragraph separates the speech from the descriptive writing.

"Look here" place a comma after "here".

"to her likings . . ." change likings to liking.

"You won't be needing this" begin a new paragraph here and place a comma after this. Every time a person ends a speech, unless their words end the sentence, you need a comma after their last word such as: "You won't be needing this, she said . . ." place a comma after said.

"But mom I've got to-" "No buts' Nikkole, now get out, I've got stuff to do." Nikkole let out a deep frushstrated breath and got out. "Did she have to park in the very last spot of the lot?" she said as she trudged through the seniors' cars. Remember every time someone speeks there should be a new paragraph so it looks like this.

"But, mom, I've got to . . ."

"No buts. Now, get out. I've got stuff to do."

Nikkole let out a deep frushstrated breath and got out. (spelling of the word frustrated)

"Did she have to park in the very last spot in the lot? She said as she trudged through the senior's cars. Remember . . . etc.

"So, how do you me again?" Add the word "know after "you".

"and faunting over her." I believe you mean "fauning"?

"You were the only nonsenior . . ." hyphenate the word "non-senior".

"I think to let me cheat off him for our test today!" Perhaps if you join the sentence previously to this one and this sentence, it would be more structurally correct.

"It's always about what Adolf Abby wants," end this statement with a period

"she doesn't care what princess Kole wants not even what my dad wants" she thought to herself" Capatalize "she" add a comma after "Kole wants and after "dad wants".

Perfectly proportioned,his nose fit his face perfectly, his cheek bones were high and defined his face perfectly, his lips were perfectly sized and his smile, oh his smile.." Too many "perfectly" and "perfect" references. They become redundant and boring. Find an alternative word, of if you want to make him perfect beyond the normal perfection then find another way to construct this sentence.

"Ms. Marker, Ms. Marker!" her thoughts were interupted by her math teacher, who was incredibly old." New paragraph.

"How is he even still alive?" she said quietly." new paragraph.

"or something.' omit this,

". . . first, as everyone parted like the Red Sea when she made her way to the door. End the sentence with "first." Capatalize "As" omit the word "when".

"he help" add "ed" to help.

"he help pick her up from the ground . . ." you state that Gil helped her pick her things up off the floor, not that she feel too. You might want to state that to avoid confusion as to why he had to help her up.


"uh-yeah" use an elipse here ( . . .)

"You obviously weren't you . . ." End this sentence at "weren't" and begin it with You.

"no!" add qoutation marks to this word.

"She sat down and starred" spelling error, "stared."

"Sorry honey, I've got a meeting that I have to go to this afternoon, you'll have to find a way home, and yes we are still rehersing, so DON'T be late." All of this statement should be in quotes, even though it appears to be a text message it is still paraphrasing what "Adolph Abbie" has said.

"they wouldn't tell ether, they didn't trust each other" spelling error, "either".

"The final bell rang and made their way back to their lockers," end this sentence here.

'but because she had to reherse, all night for a stupid pagent that she didn't even want to do." Spelling error, "rehearse".

"this dredded walk home" Spelling error "dreaded". Also end the sentence after home.

"She made her made to the bottom of the steps" Do you mean "made her way"?

" . . . and she saw a familiar car, and an even more familiar face" replace "and" with "when".


"I mean after giving you a concussion and all" Place a comma after "mean" and after "all".

"She always-" Use and elipse here "she always . . ."

"Wunna grab some coffee? "Wanna . . ." it is a corruption of the two words "want to."

"and-" use an elipse.

"Nikkole said interupting Gil's nervous rant" Spelling error, "interrupting".

"She thought he was cute, his nervous rant, waiting for her to take her home, and wanting to make sure she was alright after wiping out in the hall." Use a semi-colon (;) "after his nervous rant".

"Nothing" Nikkole wanted to forget all about Adolf Abby . . ." Use "her mother" to avoid over using this phrase for Nikkole's mom. It is really humorous, but over use takes away the laugh.


"and her stupid rules and her stupid pagents and stupid rehersals and stupid everything." End this sentence with an exclamation mark (!)

"It had a red carpetting, a fire ring, brick walls, a little stage and couches and chairs spiractily throughout the room." Omit the word "a" before "carpeting", spelling error, "sporatically".

"For here to go" the cashier asked impaitently." add "or" after here, and a comma after go.

STRUCTURE: The very first sentence of the this story is what made me read on. But, it is not explained. I was led to believe that perhaps Nikkole was a "cutter." Is this why the sink was stained with crimson? Or is there a more simpler explanation. If she is a cutter, this has to be explained and pursued, if not omit the sentence or explain why the sink is crimson.
I think you would benefit by reading your work aloud, either to yourself or someone else. Reading it aloud helps you to see where natural pauses are in your story. Where ever there are pause you should add a comma or an elipse.
An elipse is used when there is a pause in speech or something is left out of speech, as when a person does not want to finish a sentence, or is interrupted.
The rule for apostrophes (') is when something belongs to an individual in a story such as "Nikkole's" the apostrophe is added after the last letter in the name. If the person's name ends with an (s) the apostrophe comes after the (s).
When you want to emphasise a persons speech, one word or a sentence, it should be placed in italics, such as "Stop!" She said.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This story has great interest. The idea of looking at a beauty pageant from the point of view of the youngster that is being forced into it has a great deal of dramatic impact. Dramatic impact is important in any story it is what grabs the readers heart and mind and makes them continue reading. The contention between Nikkole and her mother promises a dramatic story. This story has a great deal of potential to be a revealing and interesting piece. Don't let the amount of corrections dishearten you. Go ahead and write the next part and post it. The only way we learn is by making mistakes and correcting them. One tip: If you are writing in Word Perfect ther is a spelling and grammar correction option you might want to use. Also, there are online thesauruses that will give you a choice of words to use that mean the same thing and online dictionaries that are all free. Make use of these helpful items.

Blessings to you, Bertiebrite.
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Review of The Opal Isle  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi: My name is Bertiebrite. I am writing a SPOTLIGHT REVIEW of your work for TGDI Group. These statements are solely my opinion. You do not need to take any of my views to heart, or you may take them all. Only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: The title of this piece "The Opal Isle" fits the story completely. Within the body of the story you explain the reason for the name and this highlights the physical appearance of the island.

THEME: The theme of the story, battle for the freedom of a land is readily evident. The fight scenes are well choreographed and exciting, never bogging down with heavy detail. It is clear that you thought this story through really well.

PUNCUTATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: I found no problems with spelling and only a few punctuation errors, there were a few grammatical errors as well.

"Sitting at the western most point of the Boann Empire and, indeed the most western point of the known world," Place a comma after "indeed".

"It didn’t work, his adversary was too quick for such silly tricks" Place a semi-colon after work, these are two separate ideas.

"the buckler on their left arm had already intercepted Bryce’s weapon and the sword in their right hand was already moving for the kill. This sentence is a bit confusing. Use names here instead "their" ie: The buckler on Garod's left arm . . . etc. Otherwise it looks to me that there are extra arms somewhere.

"these are the tools that win battles, not these sticks of steeL" Perhaps it might be better to use a different word here other than "sticks" maybe, rods, or som other that denotes a substance harder than wood which sticks brings to mind."

"Yet it was alleged the by the scholars of Rivean" Omit "the".

"most who served atop its shingle shores" add ad at the end of shingle to make it shingled.

"the tower twined around itself as a vine twines around a tree" Is the tower built to resemble a twisting vine, or a straight tower? This description seems to conflict with the already presented mental image.

"a blackhouse which served as the mess hall and meeting room," Do you mean BLOCKHOUSE? As barracks are sometimes called? Or Blackhouse as a description? This is not clear.

"Each of the men took watches in this short wooden tower" Perhaps you should say "All of the men" The word each implies that only Jaxon and Bryce do watch tower duty.

" white pinnacle of Ekmael, in practice with" End the sentence with "of Ekmael." and begin a new one with "In practice with".

"Apparently, very rarely, an eagle" Omit Apparently, it is unnecessary.

"limited budget, taking inventory," Place a semi-colon between "limited budget" and "taking inventory".

"limited budget, taking inventory," omit "was".

"below-ground" no need for a hyphen here.

"into a hempen sack and entering neat marks in a leather bound ledger." omit "and"; use a comma after sack.

"of small groups sat around the makeshift tables" change "sat" to "sitting" or re-phrase this sentence.

"When Bryce was done he said aside his cup and bowl" Perhaps you mean "sat aside his cup and bowl"?

"meant to scare little kids" replace "kids" with children The word children fits much better with the style of speech here.

"Besides if they came to the Isle from the sea" Place a comma after "besides",

"it happened" Omit this. It weakens the action. Say simply "before he could finish his sentence, from the darkness beyond the blackhouse leapt a creature."
Follow this with, it was ofsuch staggering ebony, it made Bryce’s eyes spin."

"turning it to such a horrifying angle Bryce almost threw up" Perhaps you should say, Bryce felt his stomach lurch." or, some other more discriptive phrase.

"the thin tendrils the swayed in the cool midnight breeze" Did you mean "that" swayed in the cool . . ."?

"when a shadowman leapt into them" Leaped between them? On top of them?

"predictably the creature turned its face to avoid the ice" place a comma after "predictably".

" Bryce had dropped his grip" Omit "had".

"the creature has a consistency" change has to had.

"unable to force his sword across the width of his foe" place a comma after "foe".

"hard into its torso with a hiss" Did Garod hiss or did the firebrand? Unclear.

"entirety of the body now" omit "now".

"eerily it rose to its feet and turned to face Bryce" Place a comma after "eerily".

"whose oil and pitch still held a small flame" Change "whose" to "it's". If you decide to leave it as whose, change the word to the possessive "who's" instead.

"and from, what could be seen around his vest, also extended across his chest" omit "what could be seen around his vest". This is unimportant info and bogs the sentence down.

"and it was getting closer." Change "it" to "they" there are many feet.

"Garrod laughed with wheeze" place "a" after with.

"Don’t be ridiculous, kid" Garod has called Bryce "Boy" throughout the story, the word "kid" seems somehow out of character.

"If you’re lucky just maybe" Place a comma after "lucky".

"Garrod’s screaming a mortal death knell" Perhaps, "Garod screamed a mortal death knell? Stated the other way these are two separate sentences, or place a semi-colon between Garod's screaming and a mortal.

"but this time something even stranger happened –" omit something even stranger happened. The foreshadowing weakens the event.

"a bolt of this brightness would illuminate" omit would and change illuminate to illuminated.

"the bolts illuminated the Cerulean Sea almost to the horizon" try to use another word beside illuminated here, such as "brightened, lighted, etc.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a thrilling and absorbing tale. It ends, leaving me wanting more. It moves rapidly, I never once was bored or wanted to stop reading. My favorite character was Garod. For the short space he was in the story, his character was well developed.

My favorite part was this:
They would marshal their men with fine words and promises of greatness and march them untold miles to the east. When they arrived, tired and exhausted they would fight and die.” Garrod rose to his feet and gulped down the last of his ale, “Despite what you may think it is not honour and the promise of glory that sustains a man in conflict; it desperation, necessity and fear of what might happen should they fail. But, if you still seek to die, maybe you should find one of these foolish nobles and march east with him.”

Sound advice given to a headstrong young man whth dreams of grandeur.

The Opal Isle is fast paced and deeply enjoyable. I would love to see this expanded and if you have plans to do so, please keep me informed so I may read the next installment.
You are a talented writer, keep it up. Blessings, Bertie



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The Race  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It was filled with action and never once did I want to stop reading. I liked the one upmanship between the two men and the word pictures were vibrant and realistic: "rocking his sled on one runner when shooting through a narrow gap," I could see the harrowing manuever that was executed here by an expert sledman.

There was only one place where you lost me: 'In other words, Leif had Toralf, and they crashed together in a mass of . . ." The very first words of this sentence do not seem to be completed in the rest of the sentence. I don't understand what you were trying to say here.

That, however is minor. I noted only one spelling error: "both held in trust bu the village headman". The bu should be "by".

Overall I enjoyed the brevity of the tale and the way you portrayed a load of action in so short a space.
Thanks for posting, keep writing, Blessings. Bertie
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Review of Ode  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Odes are difficult, they are like songs in a way. In the days when odes were popular they were often about heroes and mighty deeds. This is a very good first attempt.
The problem is that when you use the archaic form it doesn't tend to mix well with the present day form of speech.

I do not intend to re-write your poem. It stands on its own and you may take any of my advice or you may not, that is up to you. If I were writing this poem using archaic language I would say:

I compliment thee, true heartbreaker.
How dost thou live with what thou hast done.
So often I have beesehed thee:
Thou turneth away, thy life goeth on.

Instead of
I applaud thee; Thou is so strong.

I would say: I applaud thy strength.

This is the archaic language, thee, thou, thy, goeth, cometh, dost, wence; they're all the language of odes.

I only mean this as an example. Like I said, I don't want to re-write your poem.

Your punctuation was good, and the poem's flow moved along very well. Thanks for posting and keep writing. Practice really does make perfect. Blessings, Bertie
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