Hey, Ken, I found this through the Read & Review feature.
As usual, I lovely and well-written poem, very pleasing to the ear. Sadly, I wouldn't be the pedantic old fool I am if I didn't have a couple nits to pick.
In the line:
in rhythm with the small breeze that’s begun,
That "small breeze" breaks the rhythm a bit, and also feels a little lacking in imagination. Could I suggest "zephyr" instead, or is that too pretentious?
A similar issue shows up in:
for soon the warm touch of spring will renew.
The stresses on "warm touch" aren't right, and it feels a little bland. I'm not quite sure what to suggest. From a meter and stress point of view, perhaps:
for soon the warmth of springtime will renew.
but the imagery of "warm touch" is lost. If you hadn't already used breath, I'd suggest that. In any case, I'll leave that for you to ponder.
An even more tenuous point, but I thought I might as well make it is in:
Its feather-like dispersion softly shrouds
Somehow the "feather-like" feels clunky. In what way is it like a feather? Is there any way you could either change it to "feather light" or to some other word that showed an image rather than telling us an image?
Anyway, lovely poem in spite of my hopefully not-too-annoying suggestions. Write on!
I found your poem through the Read & Review feature.
This is well written and emotional. It is easy to visualize the situation, and the turn or twist at the end manages to be both surprising and understandable. So, well done.
I have a few small suggestions to consider. It's your poem, so take them as ideas to ponder, nothing more.
There is a difference between "Everyday", which is an adjective as in "Everyday chores", and "Every day" which refers to a collections of days. In this case, it appears to be the latter, so it should be
Every day's the same
Since the first three lines revolve around one perspective (I am a friend), while the last turns that around, perhaps the first word should be "But" rather than "And". It might signal the turn better to the reader, though it is in no way incorrect as it is. Just a possible change to accentuate the meaning.
Finally, I think it reads a bit better to say "forever be disguised" than "forever be in disguise". It just seems to flow off the tongue more easily.
I saw your review request, so here are a few thoughts.
I like the poem and the imagery. That said, the first two stanza and the last are much stronger than then third and fourth. Part of this is the switch away from the metaphor.
And when that’s not enough…
I drown myself in the lyrics.
Killing myself,
just so I can feel it filling up all parts of me.
I think the problem is that you use "drown" in the second line so you can't use it in the third, and instead use "killing myself" which breaks the metaphor. It is your poem, so this is just an idea, but something like the following might work better:
And when that’s not enough…
I open wide and fill my lungs with lyrics,
drowning myself
so I can feel the music seep through me.
Not perfect, but I hope you get what I mean.
The fourth stanza is better, but the word "mutilate" seems off, (though "console" works well). I wonder if you couldn't come up with a more watery, nautical word than "mutilate". Nothing immediately comes to mind, but I'd look around for descriptions of shipwrecks to give you ideas.
I came across your poem today through the Read & Review feature. This is a lovely, sad homage to your friend, Mark. You've done a very good job in capturing some of the ways he lived his life and made an impact on others. The poem is also a reminder that if we truly live, we don't really die, living on in the memories of those who love us and are loved by us.
I saw your poem in the Poetic Traditions Poetry Contest , and though I also entered this round, I had to respond to your poem. I love it! The tongue-in-cheek message, your clever wordplay (e.g., The meter’s not running), and your use of intension which I wondered at before reading your note. Well done!
One minor quibble is that in our poems are now free of convention, you could drop the word are and it would sound more even. But you may have even intended it to be uneven.
I found your poem through the Read & Review feature.
I have to admit, I've never tried high heels, but I can certainly imagine how awkward and difficult they must be. You do a good job of capturing the moment, and I like the image of a toddler.
It's also fun to see different poetic forms, and you did a good job with this one. Write on!
I found your poem through the Read & Review feature. What an interesting way of describing life as a dance. While that imagery is not so new, the idea of the different "partners" is very clever, and the italicized phrases they use to lift you or keep you down are great.
A very enjoyable story. You have a good sense of pacing and character, and I enjoyed the conversations. All in all, a very good read. I love the character of the king, especially lines such as "Reconnoiter!" scoffed the king. "We want to kill the ogre, not write a book about him." Both clever and draws a clear picture we can all imagine of what it is to deal with a king past his prime and without many resources. His frustration at not being able to simply command an army works very well.
I have a few suggestions which you might consider, though of course it is your story to keep or revise as you see fit.
There are a few places where the tone of the story is interrupted by a turn of phrase or word that pulls the reader out. An example is Sir Connor was a forthright person with a poor ability to dissimulate his views. Even though he said nothing, therefore, it was evident from his anxious half-smile... This feels like the point-of-view is shifting around, and could more cleanly be something as simple as Connor shifted uneasily in his chair. Shorter, less convoluted, and allowing the focus to stay on the storyteller instead of Connor.
You have the king admittedly quietly. and it should be admitted.
Finally, I am a bit torn about whether it works to have you skip from Connor making the argument to the scene where it has worked. Obviously, the reader can fill in the blanks, but it might work a bit better if your showed the ogre pondering the notion. Instead, you have the odd little bit about Connor berating himself for considering drawing his sword, which pulls attention away from the (successful) gambit he tried.
Anyway, a nice bit of writing. Thanks for sharing it. Write on!
This is fun, a lighter sort of villanelle than I usually see. I enjoyed your walk amassing the treasures, and your poetic skill in putting it all together. The feather and ball were my favorites finds; the key ring was a little harder to visualize.
Glad to find your poem on the Read & Review. Write on!
I found this through the Read & Review. You do a good job in a short span of setting up the scene, the confrontation, and the resolution. This feels like the start of a longer story in terms of laying the groundwork for understanding Kevin through his brother's eyes, but it is effective.
The one technical problem which seems important here is in the two lines, pivotal lines:
"We're going to play," one of them announced, pushing Kevin to get to the ball.
"Just stay out of my way," he grunted.
In the second line, the "he" appears to refer to Kevin rather than the "one of them". Read that way, the rest of the piece is very confusing. Even though somebody might go back and figure out who "he" refers to, you've lost the impact.
Aside from that, it's a good character layout. Write on!
I found your Rondeau through the Read & Review feature. I like trying out different forms and seeing where they lead me, and it's also fun to see others flexing their poetic muscles to try as well.
I know little about the life of a submariner, but your poem gave some fun glimpses into it. I laughed at Ninety days underwater, he was no longer tan. My only problem was not being sure whether "quals" were like "qualifying exams" or something else. You might want to throw in a mini-glossary at the bottom for the landlubbers among your readers. I'd be intrigued to know what a "Poopie Suit" is, and whether "Bubblehead" is a term used or a literary invention.
I think you used the form fairly well, though the refrain felt a little forced in the sestet. Nonetheless, this was a lot of fun. Write on!
Starting in the middle of a novel like this makes it a bit harder to judge what was going on, so take my comments with a healthy few grains of salt.
I liked the early part, especially the bit with the zing. It added a nice connection between mother and daughter, and it helps to clarify that Lynne is recognizably smitten and not just having a series of crushes.
The fight went well, though without a lot of detail. Not knowing the rest of the book, I don't know whether that matters. The interaction with Carl, her brother, seemed a little odd and possibly mean to portend something, though I don't know what.
I found it a bit disconcerting to then go straight into the double date scene, though as it developed into a fight between Brian and Mike, I thought it might have been used to parallel the fight in the boxing ring, or possibly to foretell something about Brian boxing at some point.
I was a bit surprised to see the mom acting chilly toward Brian, as the earlier zing seemed to indicate acceptance and was not followed by any indication that mom was less than thrilled.
Well, that's certainly dark. I don't know if you are writing this as a placeholder for a longer piece or as a bit of flash fiction, so it is hard to know how to rate it. I'd encourage you to fill it out, give her some justification for her actions, or at least a point of view to explain why she feels justified. But I do like the way you have his voice quieter and quieter, but harder to ignore. That speaks to some inner turmoil she may be hiding over taking this action (that I imagine she may regret some day).
I found your essay through the Read & Review. This was a very enjoyable and well-written essay. I was drawn in by the title, partly because while I have always loved reading, I didn't really start writing until a decade ago in my mid-forties when I mostly focused on short stories and poetry, and my first novel wasn't published until this year, at age fifty-five.
There are a few small glitches I noticed. You have places such as "Always remember that, through constant practice you'll" where you either shouldn't have a comma or should have an additional one after practice. There are others such as "As a writer your main goal is to entertain" where you should have a comma, in this case after the word 'writer'. There is also one typo I noticed where you have "garner" and it should be "gardener".
But these are minor. Overall, the essay is strong. Perhaps the one area I would quibble with, it is the paragraph about consistency where you say "The cardinal rule is, once you start writing you must finish it." As a novelist, this can be a dangerous philosophy. Some ideas don't develop the way you would like. Others fail to have enough meat on their bones to sustain through a novel. So, you have to know when to continue and when to cut your losses. I might suggest you put a caveat on that paragraaph saying the rules are somewhat different for fiction than for other writing, but it is just my suggestion.
I found your poem on the Read & Review for new members. What a lovely image of the joys of snow and Christmas and the joys of winter. I enjoyed this very much.
I do have a few suggestions as a poet, but they are only meant to help you think about different ways to make your writing even stronger. Poetry can be very personal, so only take them as things to think about.
In poetry, and to some degree in other writing, there are words which serve little purpose, but which we can take or leave as they fit the flow and musicality of the phrases. One of those is "that". Sometimes it feels right, as it emphasizes or prolongs a thought. Other times it is an impediment and interrupts. In your first two lines, I feel like it does the latter. So, instead of:
Everywhere that I look
All that I see is white
how about the following?
Everywhere I look
All I see is white
Another suggestion is one I received from a critique partner while writing my current book. Sometimes you can switch to a very in-the-moment exclamation to emphasize excitement and bring the reader closer. So, instead of:
You can feel the excitement of all the children
They get a day off from school
you could make the second line closer to the children's point of view and say:
You can feel the excitement of all the children
A day off from school!
If you like, you could put that second line in italics in the poem, thus setting it off as their exclamation, but you wouldn't have to.
I enjoyed your poem very much. Of course, I am completely in agreement about the message, but I also thought the rhymes and wordplay was entertaining and catchy, which helps the message get across. The title was clever, as well.
I love the way this starts so descriptively, then pivots into the storm and the chaos, then pivots again to the fixing and rebuilding we must do to satisfy that need to forgive and accept ourselves and our roles. My favorite lines were "I know I'll build again" and "on the same fabled beach with sea birds whizzing by,".
I got a laugh out of this. Nice job! I especially liked the appreciative "It feels like a grease fire in your mouth", as well as the last line, of course.
Part of me feels like you should have kept up the rhyming pattern of the first stanza abcb, but honestly I kind of like that it gets increasingly chaotic to match the cooking. Write (and eat) on!
Overall impression
A suspenseful and dark story that was good, but could easily be expanded to something even better.
What I liked most
I liked the atmosphere you create, and how you build toward a dark conclusion.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
There are few technical issues, but I think the story suffers a bit for feeling constrained by the word count. I'd love to read more, to have you build the suspense even further, and have you take your time with the resolution. It's good, but this story needs more room to breathe.
Rating and Rationale
A well written story that begs to be expanded, so I gave it four stars and encourage you to do so.
Overall impression
Odd, brief story with a multitude of characters.
What I liked most
When this paused to actually build on characters, it did it well.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
This story could have been so much more, and it had the spare word count to do it. As it was, it remained a concept rather than getting properly built out into a story. It would also perhaps be better if many of the named characters were not named and were given roles such as "a tailor from Nantucket". When a name is used in a story, there is usually at least a tiny promise that we will get to know the character a bit.
Rating and Rationale
Due to its brevity and stifled plot, this would have earned three stars, but I gave it 3.5 because I enjoyed the characterization it did have.
Overall impression
A story of a mysterious photo, and the reporter who wants to track it down.
What I liked most
A lot of the images and descriptions are very good, and I like the concept a lot.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
Aside from a few small technical issues, the major problem I have is plausibility. I have no problem with suspending disbelief if the story works, but this just seems to throw a situation at them with little reason. The major feature of the story is the photo, and it isn't clear how it really drives the resolution at all. In addition, the idea falls flat when you think of how the photo would have played into it even 100 years ago, much less before that.
Rating and Rationale
A good story crying out for more work and thought, so I gave it 3.5 stars.
Overall impression
A legend comes to life and brings with it a task.
What I liked most
I liked a lot of things about this, and think it has great potential.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The only real technical issue is a lack of commas many places they belong, but that doesn't detract much. The bigger issue is that the legend comes off as too convenient without much reason. He asks why he was chosen, but doesn't really get an answer. There are stakes involved, but they never get close to happening. Perhaps the word count was a limitation, but I would have liked to see either him or his father sorely tempted and tested rather than going along conveniently.
Rating and Rationale
The potential for a very good legend, but needs some more work on the arc, so I gave it four stars.
Overall impression
As in many teen-oriented horror movies, these teens should have stayed away from the woods.
What I liked most
You build up the story well, and I like the images.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
There were times when this felt a little too predictable and a little rushed. It was good, but perhaps too close to those teen horror movies.
Rating and Rationale
A good story with clean writing, but a plot that could use some more oomph for the genre, so I gave it four stars.
Overall impression
A lovely romance blooms in spite of his fears and worries.
What I liked most
This was a lot of fun. I specially enjoyed the deliberations he has with himself, as they felt all too real.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
There were no spelling or grammatical issues that I notice. Very clean writing. I did think a bit of work might be needed on the Fitz part, as it didn't quite feel plausible the way he was fooled.
Rating and Rationale
A very good story. I enjoyed it very much and gave it 4.5 stars.
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