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I thought the story was a lot of fun. You build the setting well, and establish the reasons and driving force behind Pyhruss and his invention. I thought the eventual story of his legacy was fun and light-hearted, while still making a good point that our legacies seldom develop quite the way we expect. Nice job!
Thanks for sharing this entertaining poem of the Pillsbury dough boy and his grumble-inducing existence. I like that he has dreams of getting revenge, but settles for complaining and trying to make it through another day. You echo what a lot of people feel about hopeless jobs, but in a humorous way through the eyes of the dough boy. Good job!
The meter is a little sloppy, but I don't think it detracts much in a humorous poem. The last stanza in particular made me laugh.
I don't have a lot to say, as I think the story is in very good shape, but I'll mention a few little things.
Title: I like the title.
Plot: This is well constructed. It does feel like the ending should have some slight echo of the beginning, especially to avoid the sense that the first line was just tacked on to meet the prompt. Perhaps she could just mutter the partial phrase "Dulce et decorum" and he could ask what it meant, and she could not answer, or something like that.
Style & Voice: I like the voice. It is the best part of the story. Only one line feels off to me, and that is “God, I don’t care! Any damn place we want!” I'd either get rid of "we want" and just have "Any damn place" or use something like "Any damn place other than here". "Want" feels contrary to the tone of helplessness.
Referencing: I was too young to be drafted for Vietnam, but old enough to watch the anguish. Ugh!
Scene/Setting: Well described, in general. I thought a couple of more words to describe the waterfall as they sat down, mostly to act as if they were trying not to think about the inevitable, so were thinking of the waterfall instead.
Characters: I like the characters, and was pulled into the story because of them.
Grammar: I saw no issues.
Just My Personal Opinion: I think this has a good shot, except for the referencing of the poem at the end. When people make a prompt like that, they tend to be very sensitive about it blending in properly. You do a great job with it at the beginning, but need to tie up the loose ends.
Welcome to the group. I enjoyed reading your story.
*** SPOILER ALERT ***
Title: The title isn't bad, but it isn't great. It focuses too much on his interacting with her (or not), rather than on her interacting with him, which is what the story is about. How about something from the other side, like "If Only I Could Help" or something a bit more abstract, such as "Shining Through". Just don't use "Tears" in the title, as they get used all the time (ask Fadz about that).
Plot: I read this through once and completely, totally missed that she was a ghost. In other words, I got confused, especially when he smiles at the end after being so morose the rest of the story.
Then I read Fadz's review, and he said that it should be transparently obvious (hee hee) what she is, and you shouldn't hammer it home the way you do (did?).
Now that I get it, I like the story a lot. Thus, the main objection to the plot is that people need to be sure to get it without it being hammered home. Another hint or two, but not too many.
Style & Voice: This is well done. I liked the voice (at least once I understood her nature).
Referencing: I am confused by Amanda's role in the story. Why would the MC put her hand on the doorknob and smile. Presumably, the girl was killed with the mom in the accident.
I was also a bit confused by "If I could make you understand. If you could feel what I feel, you'd be alright." What exactly is that supposed to mean?
Scene/Setting: This is generally well done, although the first sentence feels overblown and flowery. You might want to tone it down a bit. I also wasn't quite sure whether the phrase "to that particular sunrise" made sense, since she acts as if this is a fairly unique sunrise. Couldn't it just be "to the sunrise" and still communicate the idea, or perhaps "to a particular sunrise" if you want the phrasing.
Characters: We get a sense of the worried wife, and the distraught husband/father whose life is falling apart, but who still has a friend looking in on him and a wifely ghost to encourage him.
Grammar: Seems pretty clean, although I didn't focus on it.
Just My Personal Opinion: If you can make her ghostliness a bit more apparent, I think this is close to ready. I agree with Fadz about Every Day Fiction, although there are lots of venues that would appreciate this sort of story.
Terrific poem. I am so hesitant to read poetry these days, as so much seems obvious or contrived. This works very well. Of course, I still have a few suggestions.
Title: I don't like this at all. I almost didn't read the poem because of it, and when I did, I liked it even less. Even something like "Down the Drain" or "Drained" would be better, but this poem calls for a more elegant title that tells less and emotes more.
The imagery/texture is wonderful. I loved the brunette gills and the Gregorian reference. The only part that falters a bit is the perfectly circular hole which manages to sound vaguely sexual and overly clinical at the same time.
The flow of language is also very good, but take a look at the following lines, as it is hard to distinguish between "drain-o like" and "drain-o-like" (i.e., is it like wine and water or is it like drain-o?). Also the "wine and water" seems weird, as "like wine" would make more sense. It feels like the "and water" is filler.
All that said, it is a wonderful poem. I gave you 4 stars for its current state, but with a new title and a couple of tweaks, this should be a cinch to get published.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
Well written and creative. A good action/adventure story.
Adherence to rules and prompt
You used a very creative story to follow the prompt. All other rules were followed appropriately. Good job!
What I liked most
I like the mystery behind the words spoken at the moment of death--classic mystery/action stuff, but well conceived to confuse the reader and protagonist alike.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
There are a few places which felt rough, such as "and a freshet blood spouted from his mouth" which should have an "of" after "freshet". There are other places where you could work on making the prose a bit less forced, such as the paragraph about the seven years of bad luck.
Rating and Rationale
You have written a fresh and creative story using the quotation, so I have awarded the story 4 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
A story about a man who misses home, and then goes there.
Adherence to rules and prompt
While you technically follow the prompt, there is very little searching and a whole lot of convenient epiphany.
What I liked most
I liked the descriptions of why he liked home.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The story happens without any real tension or action. He is miserable, misses home, and suddenly realizes he can go back. There is no story arc or reason for his revelation, and you don't even have him actually finding out what happens when he gets back.
Rating and Rationale
The story could be a good one, but it isn't really a story and doesn't really follow through on the prompt, so I gave it 3 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
The story is about a man who has been a wandering spirit but has returned home in middle age. At a high school reunion, he discovers a reason to stay home longer.
Adherence to rules and prompt
You followed the prompt, although it was disappointing that you only showed him after he had already returned home.
What I liked most
I liked the idea behind the story, although the execution was a bit rocky.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The biggest issue with the story is that it doesn't unfold. Most of the story has already happened, and it is just told, not shown. Then, very abruptly, we are given an ending, but without any real foreshadowing.
It is also hard to read on a screen without a line between the paragraphs.
Rating and Rationale
The plot was good, but the execution was rough, and the story was told rather than unfolding, so I gave it 3.5 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
An interesting story of a an Indian boy who leaves home to become a warrior, but returns after many years as a wise man.
Adherence to rules and prompt
You used the quotation fairly well, with the boy leaving to find spirits, but finding his true self back home.
What I liked most
I liked the idea behind the story, as well as the interesting perspectives.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The use of so many Indian names made the story harder to follow than needed. Also, the side bet of the skins seemed both odd and distracting.
Also, the time away in the opposing tribe's control was rushed and a little hard to follow.
Rating and Rationale
I liked the story, and it followed the prompt fairly well, but there were some confusing areas and choppy scenes, so I gave it 4 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
A clever and goodhearted story about finding your true purpose in life at home.
Adherence to rules and prompt
This worked well with the essence of the quotation. Good job.
What I liked most
I liked the daughter, and how her fresh eyes saw opportunity where her father's jaded eyes did not.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The bit about the funding seemed a bit weak. It was also unclear why the mother and daughter were just visiting. If you made it clearer (because of commitments back home or jobs or college or something), the ending would feel more true. It also seemed a bit unlikely that he would have so much difficulty selling the pump but that it would be so ideal for the purpose in the end.
Rating and Rationale
This was well written and innovative, although it had a few logic issues that could be ironed out, so I gave it 4 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
An interesting story of a man who does not learn to appreciate what he had until it is gone.
Adherence to rules and prompt
This follows the prompt to some extent, but it feels like it misses the mark a bit. Your story has more to do with having something and then losing it, then realizing what you have lost when you go home, while the quotation is more about going home and finding it.
What I liked most
I liked the way you built up the character of the protagonist by showing his way of dealing with people.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The tenses are mixed up between present and past. Even in the first paragraph, you have "I am feeling nostalgic" which is present tense, mixed with "The image in the mirror was" which is past tense.
There are also places where you slip up with words. For example, you have "I fell back on the sit" when you should have "seat". A careful edit would probably catch those. Try reading the story out loud, as that will also catch some issues.
Rating and Rationale
You wrote an interesting story with good characters, but were slightly off the mark on the quote and had some grammar issues and typos, so I gave the story 3 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
A young man dreams of going far as an investigative reporter, stops for a while to marry and have kids, then leaves to follow his dreams before returning to find his real life waiting for him.
Adherence to rules and prompt
You followed the prompt well.
What I liked most
I like the way you describe his character using actions as well as description.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The one glaring flaw is the children. I could almost believe the rest, but a father abandons his wife and children for two years, and everybody rushes to accept him? It just doesn't hold up. If you just had the woman willing to accept him back without adding the children, it would feel much more realistic.
In general, your scenes work well, but the logical stitching between them could use a bit of work.
Rating and Rationale
Because you wrote this well and followed the prompt, but had a little trouble with transitions and realistic reactions, I gave this 4 stars.
A man travels the world in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
~George Moore
Overall impression
A clever and creative story about home being where the heart is, and finding out just in time where that really is.
Adherence to rules and prompt
You do a great job of using the prompt in a creative way, and showing the depth of feeling in the librarian seeking a dream.
What I liked most
I like the way you help us feel the internal turmoil of the librarian and contrast it with the children eagerly vying for books. Inkheart was a clever choice for a book, incidentally, as it is so much about the dreams books can inspire.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The story worked well as is, but the one area I think could be improved was some reflection on how she addressed her daughter, Malini's, dashed dreams that she would be a famous author. Even a line at the end thinking back on it would round the story out better.
Rating and Rationale
You used the prompt well and wrote a fun and interesting take on the message. Excellent work!
Title: The title seems a bit bland. I don't have a great idea for a title, but something more like "The Funeral of the Two Grandmothers" would spur people on more.
Plot: This is wonderful, in a very literary, experiential way. I like how well you evoke the point of view of the young girl, although there are a few glitches (see below in line-by-line).
Style & Voice: This is well done. I feel like I hear the little girl dealing with a confusing set of circumstances, and clinging to her family and her grandmother's spirit.
Referencing: I had a bit of trouble with the issue of whether the mother or father's mother had died. There was a slight suggestion that it was the father's mother (since he spoke and the mother did not), but it made certain lines sound odd. (More below)
Scene/Setting: I liked the details such as the "long set of stairs riddled with dark gum stains". My only issue is that I keep thinking of Fadz pointing out that the language of the POV should match that of the person, and a phrase such as "cast hulking shadows" would then not belong.
Characters: We get a strong sense of the girl, and some sense of her mother and grandmother, but very little about her father or sister. Since Clare is so little, I'm not sure we need more, but I'd like a slightly better sense of the father. Is his kicking the ticket machine out of character, which could imply grief, or in character?
Grammar: Mostly good.
Just My Personal Opinion: I like the story a lot. I meant to review it before, but somehow got distracted. I am going to do a line-by-line below, not because there are so many issues, but because it seems easier than describing where I see issues.
I saved the line-by-line for the review I put in the Let's Publish! forum
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
This is an interesting poem that explores how a person's mind can lead them places they don't want to go.
What I liked most
I like that you leave it a little unclear whether the thinking is dreaming or daydreaming or what. I particularly like the following lines (except the typo):
Just blows away like dust
With that first breathe of air as I wake
My general suggestions
When writing poetry, the rhythm and pattern of the words matter a lot. So, in your first few lines, when you use "root of my evil" then "root of all my pain" and then "extension of all my sorrows", it feels jarring. You would normally either use a pattern of "root of..." for all three (which I would not recommend in this case), or avoid repeating the same word twice. In this case, I'd change the middle thought to something else other than "root", such as "source of all my pain" or something like that.
Technical issues
In the line, "Just blows away like dust", the noun is plural so the verb needs to match and just be "blow" instead of "blows".
Conclusion
Welcome to Writing.com. It takes a while to get to know your way around here, but it is worth the effort if you hang in there. Thanks for letting me read your poem.
Overall impression
A well written poem about changing expectations.
What I liked most
I like almost everything about the poem. It was well written, flowed well, and you said a lot without revealing too much. The ending is a bit ambiguous, but it feels like it was meant to be.
My general suggestions
Keep writing such wonderful poems.
Technical issues
I didn't see any problems in the spelling or grammar. Good job!
Conclusion
This was very enjoyable, as all three of your poems have been. I was glad to have an opportunity to read your work, and hope you enjoy your time on WDC.
Overall impression
A poem about faking it until you're really making it.
What I liked most
You did a good job of moving from how many smiles are fake to your fake smiles to your real smiles. I liked the progression.
My general suggestions
Most importantly, you need to go back through and carefully edit. Your writing is great, but it feels as if it was written down straight from your heart and mind, but never edited later.
Technical issues
You have a number of typos which seem like just rushed writing:
to hide fromt he world, -> Should be "to hide from the world,".
its almost -> Should be "it's almost".
its hard -> Should be "it's hard".
everytime I look -> Should be "every time I look".
its had -> Should be "it's hard".
front of himt o make -> Should be "front of him to make".
Conclusion
A really good poem that needs cleaning up.
Overall impression
An interesting and clever way to write a love poem.
What I liked most
I like the structure of the poem, showing resistance all the way and finally admitting that you don't hate these things at all. My favorite lines are the ones that start the poem off so well:
I hate it when you hug me,
when you touch me,
smile and bug me.
My general suggestions
With poetry, rhythm and flow are very important. Often, you can strip off some of the words that slow down the pace, and use that to even the rhythm a bit. An example here would be:
I hate the way you kissed me,
and how you touched me so softly.
Beautiful words, but when I read it with a rhythm out loud, I stumble over the word "so" each time. I'd leave off that word and just have:
I hate the way you kissed me,
and how you touched me softly.
You'll notice that each line now has seven syllables, but I didn't count them until after I suggested this. It is just that the rhythm tends to work better when the lines are more even.
Technical issues
You have a few typos:
theway -> Should be "the way".
not alot, -> Should be "not a lot,".
Conclusion
A very interesting and enjoyable poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.
Overall impression
A poem about thinking too much, and how your brain works for and against you.
What I liked most
I like the message of the poem, and the way you phrase it as questions.
My general suggestions
The key to poetry is making every word count. I tend to write the lines as I think of them, then go back and work and rework. Let's take an example from your poem:
My brain is often working overtime.
Regrettably,
it's not even getting paid
for all its hard work.
Great sentiment, but needs pruning. For example, "is often working" is passive and wordy. How about "works"? The next part is even wordier, "Regrettably,
it's not even getting paid
for all its hard work." How about "unpaid, regrettably"? Then you would have:
My brain works overtime --
unpaid, regrettably.
This is the same basic sentiment, but much stronger, more active. Some would even argue that you should lose the "regrettably" and have:
My brain works overtime --
unpaid.
It packs a punch. Of course, it shortens the poem, but if you keep adding content to the poem and paring down the excess, you get a poem that is stronger, more active and more compelling.
Another example that is even more simple. You have:
It my brain not my slave
but my master?
What would you think about the following?
Is my brain slave, or master?
Does that feel punchier?
Technical issues
You have "It my brain" and it should be "Is my brain".
Conclusion
This is a good poem. You can make it a better poem with careful pruning and enhancing, but you should feel good about the start you have. It may take a lot of polishing to make a diamond shine, but no amount of polishing will make a clod of mud shine.
🌕 HuntersMoon, I am judging your poem as part of Round 22 of the Invalid Item contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.
Round 22 - Image Prompt - Form: Triqunt
A Triquint consists of 3 verses of 5 lines each. Lines 3 and 4 of verse 1 (Refrain) repeat in verses 2 and 3. The syllable count for each stanza is 9, 7, 5, 3, 1 and the form has an aaAAb rhyme scheme.
Overall impression
A lovely, well executed Triquint with strong imagery.
Technical adherence to form and prompt
You followed the form perfectly, and with seeming ease.
What I liked most
I like your language in this, especially "Myriad textures litter the ground/Farewell message, most profound."
My general suggestions and technical concerns
Not a lot to make. This was well done.
Rating and Rationale
Because you executed the form well with consummate skill, I have awarded you 4.5 stars. Good luck with the contest!
ShiShad, I am judging your poem as part of Round 22 of the Invalid Item contest. I appreciate your sharing your work, and hope that this review can be of some use.
Round 22 - Image Prompt - Form: Triquint
A Triquint consists of 3 verses of 5 lines each. Lines 3 and 4 of verse 1 (Refrain) repeat in verses 2 and 3. The syllable count for each stanza is 9, 7, 5, 3, 1 and the form has an aaAAb rhyme scheme.
Overall impression
A very nice poem with a sad story of love lost.
Technical adherence to form and prompt
You followed the form fairly well, but did have a bit of trouble with the syllable counts. The first line below is what the syllable counts are supposed to be, and the second is what your syllable counts are:
9/7/5/3/1 9/7/5/3/1 9/7/5/3/1
9/7/5/3/2 9/8/5/3/1 10/7/5/3/1
What I liked most
I like the rhythm and grace of this poem, especially "Sitting alone today beneath this tree,/was it that we could not see?"
My general suggestions and technical concerns
Be careful about syllable counts in a strict format such as this. Count them all a couple of times to be sure you don't mess up.
Rating and Rationale
Your poem was quite lovely, but did suffer a bit from the syllable counts, so I awarded it 4 stars. Good luck with the contest.
An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.
~Charles Dickens
Overall impression
A fascinating story that grows on you. At first, I had trouble relating, but the twists and turns of the story captured me.
Adherence to rules and prompt
The prompt was followed well with a unique interpretation of the quote. The other rules were all followed.
What I liked most
I like how you back into the description Maizie's true nature when the tech guy came into the department. Prior to this, the way she didn't accost the shoplifting teen was nagging at me, and then it turned out to be excellent foreshadowing.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
While I very much like the connection between Macys and Maizie, I would think hard about using a different name. At least where I am, Macys does not have thee elegance and flair that you describe, and that is very distracting in the early going. If you made up a department store name, it would be easier to describe it the way you do.
Note: Please, do not make any changes before the results are announced, or your entry will be disqualified.
Rating and Rationale
The prompt was followed in a somewhat unique way in a delightful and interesting story, so I awarded this 4.5 stars.
An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.
~Charles Dickens
Overall impression
A wonderful, mystical story about science and faith and spirits and ideas, all mixed up.
Adherence to rules and prompt
The prompt was followed well with a well done dual interpretation of the quote (using ghosts and ideas intermixed). The other rules were all followed.
What I liked most
I loved the way you have the two collaborate, and how the external impression of that collaboration transitions from awe to worry to... madness.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
I have little to suggest, except that you should make sure your WritingML works properly. It takes one completely out of a story to have a broken WritingML tag.
Note: Please, do not make any changes before the results are announced, or your entry will be disqualified.
Rating and Rationale
This was very well written and unique. It had the style which I have come to expect of your stories, but with an excellent interpretation of the prompt, so I awarded you 4.5 stars.
An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.
~Charles Dickens
Overall impression
A well written and gripping story, dark and compelling.
Adherence to rules and prompt
The prompt was followed, sort of, with the idea of an idea personified and explained. The other rules were all followed.
What I liked most
Your characters are rich and well developed. The brooding Patrick and the free spirited Jess were a joy to read about.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
There were a couple of places where lines felt slightly ambiguous. For example, "How many dire warnings from friends and families had she laughed off? In the context it is used, it sounds like they warned her about Patrick, although perhaps they just warned her about accepting rides from strangers or about trusting authors or something else entirely.
Note: Please, do not make any changes before the results are announced, or your entry will be disqualified.
Rating and Rationale
Because this was well written and compelling, and even though the connection to the prompt was a bit of a stretch, I awarded this 4.5 stars.
An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.
~Charles Dickens
Overall impression
A flash of inspiration on a dark and desolate night, but more is needed.
Adherence to rules and prompt
The prompt was followed fairly well with a somewhat literal interpretation of the quote. The other rules were all followed.
What I liked most
I liked the setting and scene you build, with the writer struggling to find words to put on the paper. You capture the essence of this process in a colorful and descriptive manner.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The story just doesn't go far enough. What happens next? What does the protagonist do to attain his goals. You need more than set up and the initial action - you need follow through of some sort.
Note: Please, do not make any changes before the results are announced, or your entry will be disqualified.
Rating and Rationale
Because the writing and setting were good, but because the actual story was incomplete, I have awarded you 3.5 stars.
Good luck with the contest!
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