*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brennus/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: ON
220 Public Reviews Given
220 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Asking questions that may help you develop and expand your story. Inconsistencies tend to jump out at me and I will point out any I see.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 -4- ... Next
76
76
Review of Side Dished  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay! Now that's funny! A great job of personification. I laughed out loud at this. A very quick and hilarious read.

The "characters" are well developed with out being Overdone.

The Flavor of the season was evident and Savory.

I didn't see any spelling or usage errors, so Well Done on that score!

I'm not really sure how you Cooked this up, but you certainly had the Recipe for success.

I do have a question or two;

Why wasn't Johnny at the kid's table? This tragedy could have been avoided.
Were there back up Yams? If not that kid eats outside next year.
Is the sequel a horror story? Does Johnny get it in the end?

And one last word, a warning really...I saw Cranky Cranberry and Sticky Stuffing hanging around the back door last night.

Be careful, it's a Side eat Side world out there!

** Image ID #1578663 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
77
77
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! First Welcome to WdC! And thank you for sharing this great piece of writing. An action adventure tale, with humorous under tones and several great twists in the plot. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading more of your work. I do hope Darcy and Gloria have more adventures together.

The story moves at a good pace, the characters are well developed. We see their obvious friendship, which makes the stories twists very effective.

My Comments;

I didn't see a lot wrong mechanically.

"accidently", believe it or not should really be "accidentally".

The explanation is here:

https://writingexplained.org/accidently-or-acciden...

The other thing I want to note is an inconsistency in paragraph indentations, some of the paragraphs are indented, while others are not. Perhaps this was a cut and paste issue?

Lastly, you used a hyphen, seemingly in place of a clause separating comma. You may have done this on purpose? Perhaps to emphasize a particular clause, but over using negated that emphasis.

You might want to edit out some filler words where you can. If a sentence holds it's meaning without certain word, lose those words!

Use contractions where you can;

"Who would have thought you had it in you to keep up with me?" Darcy said."

Might become: "Who would've thought you had it in you to keep up with me?" Darcy said.

Using the same sentence;

"Who would have thought you had it in you to keep up with me?" Darcy said."

Leaving out "with me" doesn't change your sentence meaning, but does quicken the pace.

It will help speed up the pace, especially in the hectic fight scene. These are just examples, suggestions and my opinions, mileage may vary. Your story is very strongly written and enjoyable!

Darcy and Gloria make a great buddy team, one I'd like to see more of, hopefully they'll come back and tell us more of their adventures in Gloria's very funny, self depreciating voice.

Thank You for sharing with us!

** Image ID #1578663 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
78
78
Review of Tea Time  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! This is a great start, it built suspense and left me with many unanswered questions that deepened the mystery and made me want to read on!

Your description of "Cup of tea time" set forth a vivid character study also, the ridged, almost ritualistic description of the process made it clear that the "tea drinker" was very methodical and set in his/her ways (typical serial killer mentality, BUT also typical quirky detective behavior). I say his/hers because that is one of my first unanswered questions. Is the "Tea Drinker" male or female? Victim, red herring or perpetrator?

? This Line;

"Necessary preparations already made."

I would rather see that expanded a bit more, a clearer description of tea drinkers methodology, build on the ritualism of his/her nature. Not a lot more, just use it to strengthen the notion of Tea Drinkers odd behaviors. The brevity of Tea Drinker's thoughts works to do that also!!

? Does the Caretaker actually go to Tea Drinker's apartment?

The time of the knocks coincide roughly, as does the rather austere description of the apartments interior, we are led to assume it is. Perhaps purposely?

? Who is the "Fingerless" victim? Tea Drinker seldom got visitors. "Three others remain in their box, waiting for friends to find time to visit."

? Where did fingerless lose her finger? Apartment building plumbing is by nature interconnected, a blockage on a lower floor could affect the floors above (Based on my building management experience).

? Is Tea drinker the culprit or an unwitting dupe? If Fingerless lost her finger elsewhere, Tea Drinker could be a red herring.

? "There was something else though , another smell. I couldn’t quite tell what it was at the time."

Does Stubbs recognize the smell now? Coppery blood smell? Bleachy smell from a clean up? A woman's perfume?

? "I was probably the first visitor he’d had since I was here a few months ago.?"

This adds to my possible "red herring theory" of the crime, who could Fingerless be and how would Tea drinker have killed her if he/she never had visitors?

? "I poked at the toilet paper with the end of the plunger and there it was, plain as day. A long, slim finger, hacked off at the base. It was obviously a woman’s. Pink nail polish and a wedding ring still attached, and pale blood, oozing out."

Indicated a fresh kill to me Fingerless' nail polish would degrade quickly in the water, especially caustic sewage made up of urine, various soaps and detergents (sorry for the "gory details" there!)

? "I turned around to look at him just as the door closed. The lock turned."

Okay, this looks bad for Tea Drinker, but what if, as I asked above the Caretaker isn't in Tea Drinkers apartment? How did Stubbs escape? (Possible Hint: If the doors open into the room the hinge pins are inside the room also, Stubbs can easily knock them out and remove the door entirely if need be, he has tools.)

But What happen to the person who locked the door? Where did they go? Why did the perpetrator allow Stubbs to escape to report the crime?

? A bit of a grammar question here; In these two paragraphs where do the quotation marks close? If it's all one long bit of dialogue should it be two paragraphs or one?

“Well, it was about 3.30pm by the time I got there. We’d had a few other emergencies in the building that day…the pipes are getting old and busting all over the place. Some clown also got into the pool area and sprayed graffiti on the change room walls.

I got his note in my letterbox the night before…me and the missus must have been at the club for dinner when he came down. I think my wife still has the note if you want to see it.


Thank You, You have me hooked!! One further suggestion, save each old version of your story as you revise or add to it, referring back as you develop it further.


** Image ID #1578663 Unavailable **



79
79
Review of Sky High  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A twisty little tale that goes from triumph to tragedy and finally redemption in a compact space. It filled me with sadness, then happiness and even a little guilt at its very end.

The pacing is good and enjoyable as the plot is exposed in a systematic manner. Where descriptive language is used it is employed well.

There are a few mechanical issues to note. The first is the title, usually all of the words in the title are capitalized i.e.: "Sky High".

Also readability is improved somewhat if after each change of speaker a line is skipped, (borrowing a bit of the authors dialogue,

This,

“Sally, it’s me,”
“Dad, what’s up?” Usually any call she received via the land line was from her Mum, or telemarketers.
“I wanted to be the first to tell you,” Martin said.

Becomes this,

“Sally, it’s me,”

“Dad, what’s up?” Usually any call she received via the land line was from her Mum, or telemarketers.

“I wanted to be the first to tell you,” Martin said.


Adding the space between lines helps the "eye: identify a change in speaker. Since each new speaker is a change in thought, it does deserve its own paragraph.

Thank you for sharing this rather gut twisting story with us, even if it did leave me feeling a bit guilty.

Holiday image for Power Reviewers to share
80
80
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I like this story because it redeems the Christmas Spirit, even in a character who is intrinsically evil. The character justifies stealing mainly because the family is rich and stupid (arrogant?) and can well afford his theft. Bent on stealing Christmas, circumstances change his mind.

The language was rich and descriptive and the scene was set well. You can almost feel Rufus' evil as he considers every angle of his crime. Though Evil meets Evil, we see clearly that there are lesser Evils in the world.

There were no mechanical problems. (or they've already been edited away as if they never existed *SantaHat*).

There is another version of this story you should also check out. You can find it here;

 
STATIC
Christmas Eve Evil  (18+)
Evil vs Evil on Christmas Eve
#2205270 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈


Thank you for sharing both stories, I enjoyed them and Learned from them!

Holiday image for Power Reviewers to share
81
81
Review of The Wind  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The wind as a mythological trickster, I liked it!

This is a well written, very readable little tale of Earth's elemental origins. The author holds true to the writing style she sets at the beginning, giving the story an authentic ancient feel. While short in size, it's brevity didn't affect it's impact.

The only technical note I might mention is the substitution of the word peaked (the mountain peak or the volume of the music peaked) for the word peeked (a quick or furtive look).

This was great! Thank You!

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
82
82
Review of The Happy Story  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This story resonated with me on several levels, first after an unseasonably warm day yesterday, with temperatures in the low sixties, today we had a snowy morning and a plunge to the thirties. More so though, I do believe our world is speeding towards another ice age.

In very few words the author has conjured a vision of what the world will be like without spring and the rebirth it heralds. A bleak vision indeed, where children have never known the joy of celebrating the suns warmth and the flowers beauty.

The descriptions are rich and powerful, evoking not only clear images but striking emotional responses. The prose is clear, concise and very readable. The juxtaposition of the stories title to the bleak subject matter is pointedly jarring.

I would love to say I enjoyed this story, but I can't, it left me troubled and worried for our planets and our children's futures. But then, I think that was the authors intent, making this well written parable an ominous success.

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell
83
83
Review of The Memory Girl  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a wonderful concept that is begging for development and embellishment.

It could easily fit into the Fantasy or Sci-Fi genre or become a hybrid mash-up in both genres. It sparked my imagination and captured my interest. As an Idea I'd give this a 5 star rating, but you left so much on the table that I had to take a few stars away.

If this were a writing prompt I would ask myself these questions; *Geek*

*FairyR* Solie has a maid. What kind of family does she have? Where do they live? Is Solie happy with her life? *FairyL*

*FairyR* How did Solie find Tanni? *FairyL*

*FairyR* How did Tanni know about Solie's power? *FairyL*

*FairyR* Do the "scientists" track her down? Do they capture her? Does she escape them with Tanni's help? *FairyL*

*FairyR* How does Solie use her power, for good or evil? *FairyL*

I hope and look forward to you developing this into a full blown short story and getting the five stars you deserve!

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell



84
84
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I really liked the premise of story. Stories about disasters and drownings on lakes have always resonated with me. Very early in my life I lost a cousin who fell through ice while crossing a lake in winter.

The story presents quite a bit of interesting material that could have benefited from more extensive development. For example we never really learn what the relationship between Tam and Jess is, we know they're more then just casual acquaintances since Jess risks his life to save Tam. But are they family? Friends? Lovers? Disappointingly we barely meet Herbie before the story ends. Is Herbie a ghost or just a recluse gone mad?

A bit of proof reading to polish the story might help quite a bit also. There are numerous words left out, misspellings and other things I spotted like;

"they reach Tams house." might read better as 'they reach[ed] Tams house.'

Double spacing between paragraphs would enhance it's readability

With some polish and development this would be a great story, thank you for sharing it with us

Click here to join a fun reviewing group!
85
85
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
So you maligned Santa Claus, killed off half the the snow community and mistreated the elves. I'm really surprised that there weren't any charges of of animal cruelty from PETA regarding reindeer thrown into this mix of Christmas horror. But, the Leprechauns, why the Leprechauns?

I read this satirical gem three times, first the little voice that reads in my head read it. Then Fox Mulder read it to Scully across his desk. Lastly, Leslie Nielsen, as his "Naked Gun" character, Frank Drebin would read it. Go ahead try it, each reading just gets funnier.

I particularly liked that you kept the prose dry and more official, giving credence to the fact that the narrator is more comfortable with "the facts ma'am, just the facts" approach to life. It lent a very realistic feeling.

Try as I might, I really can't suggest anyway to improve this, that's how much I liked it. Several of your periods at the end of various sentences may have been upside down, or my glasses slipped again.

Thank You for sharing your great sense of humor with us!

But why the Leprechauns!

A holiday image on share for reviews
86
86
Review of DEAR MOM  
Rated: E | (4.5)
From experience I can safely say no death creates more grief than the death of a Mother. This poem captures and displays that grief. It made me sad, reminded me of my own grief and of the need to continue forward, as everyone's Mother would wish us to.

Saying I "enjoyed" the poem would be inaccurate, not all of the feelings it evoked were pleasant, I do believe however that not all writing needs to evoke "feel good" feelings. This was a powerful piece of writing that evoked a powerful emotional response that will resonate with many of us.

There were a few of what might be grammatical errors, or perhaps they were intended to fulfill metric requirements, not being a poet I can't be sure.

That being said an example I see:

"So that all my broken pieces can be join again."

Might be: So that all my broken pieces "could be joined" again.

Never a fan of "text speak" so the use of u for you jarred me a bit.

The repeated phrase "for once again" might benefit from a comma as in 'for once, again'

All in all I appreciated your poem and the emotions you evoked, thank you for sharing it and them with us.
87
87
Review of We're Moving  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Moving is tough, moving to another culture is tougher. That concept was captured here in very few words. The anguish generated by the move is reflected in the first two characters we meet first the young lady, horrified at the very thought of the move and then the father, equally horrified by his daughters rather bigoted reaction. And yet, then comes redemption, the discovery that her bigotry was not only unfounded, but completely without cause.

I enjoyed reading this tale, it was well written and compactly drove home its point. A very well crafted story! Thank You!
87 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brennus/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4