Again a cleverly written poem. It had in fact a sombre feel to this piece I felt. It left me feeling rather numb and slightly insiginifact at the image of being "banished when first we leave our fathers’ loins" and "expelled from our mothers’ wombs we dwell alone". Rather an uncomforting thought when you actually think of it in that way.
Thought provoking, almost disturbing piece. Keep making me think!
Eeek that was thought provoking.
You have some magnificent lines here, some of them will linger for a long time.
"littered with the roadkill of my emotions"
Wow!
"blinking and spinning the space-time cloth"
Again wow. The imagery here is just mind blowing.
I do have a little confession however, this is a facinating and clever piece of work but I wont for a moment betray myself and say I understand any of it. I think it may be in fact far too intelligent for my feeble mind.
Made me think though!
Wow this is a really powerful message. The repetition of the chorus eery to say the least, I really felt the pang here.
I have read several of your works and have been enthralled by them all but this is perhaps the one that most strikes a chord, especially today being Band8.
You have really kept the rhythm going here, I felt my toe tapping along, but the sadness and the power behind the song is so powerful that it almost drew tears to my eyes.
Well thought out and indeed thought provoking. A few more messages like this one is what the world needs, maybe then the power men will sit up and listen instead of charging in like bulls with their weapons and fierce tongues.
You did a great job!!
Quite beautiful. I really love the simplicity of the poem and how it talks of a much more complex issue. Great rhyming scheme and flows wonderfully.
You did a great job of conveying the love and majesty of life and Our Lord. Well done.
Hehe this is great, you could play this over and over for a great ego trip, very nice especially when your feeling a little low or demoralised.
This is a great new addition to writing.com and I'm sure it will be as great a success as the many other features this site has.
Keep creating, this site just gets better and better!
Cez
xx
This is a great tale of determination and realisation.
Style
Again you seem to have that natural ability to befriend your reader, call them in and sit them down for a tale.
I was disapointed that you decided to give up your sport, I felt almost let down as I secretly felt myself cheering you onwards as I read on.
Spelling and grammar
Again I founf no grammatical or spelling errors in your work
Overall
Another great piece, it is great capturing a little lice of your life in words. Great job
Style
The casual tone of the voice makes the reader feel like you are talking to them and them alone. This gives a facinating insight and I am sure everyone that reads this will take something worth while away.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors here
I love the narrative of this poem. Some really great touches here.
Style
The tell a story style of this poem grabs the attention and holds it captive until the end. Cleverly written and some nice detail here.
I just love the line
"Her scintillating aria mesmerized me," - you can here the words here tantalising sounds and a great image projected throughout.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed only one insy little typo
"agian," - again
Overall
Beautifully written. I love the noise this poem makes reflecting the Siren's song.
Wonderful.
Beautifully written poem about the ful realisation that you are never alone.
Style
The simple sing song rhyming verses here carry the tone of the piece, I can feel the surge of emotion felt at the chiming of the bell. Beautiful.
Spelling and grammar
I found no errors here
Overall
This is just beautiful, I love the way the rhyme schemes echoes the message in the poem.
You have here what could certainly be the beginning of a great story.
Style
I would have liked to have had more of the character here, more descriptive details of how they are individually as well as how they interacted. You seem to jump around a lot here, where much more could have been, this adds a little confusion in parts.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed a few minor spelling errors here which I have noted for you to have another look at.
"you part" - your
"Duba" - did you mean Dubai?
"teenagez" - here did you mean teenager or teenagers/ teenaged/teenage?
"ttok his hand" - took
Overall
Developed and groomed this could be a great story. I would be more than willing to come back and have another look at a later date if you so allowed.
I really enjoyed this one. You have a great gift for storytelling
Style
The simple rhyme here carries the poem onwards naturally and effectively, again I have that feeling of taking a look at a snapshot of the past, of a different culture, so facinating. Really enjoyed that.
Spelling and grammar
I Found no grammatical or spelling errors.
Overall
I love the way the story unfolds here, the mood the poem creates, like looking at a film, I could see him there with his burnign sage. Very visual poem.
This is such a touching piece, I really got into the story here.
Style
You have developed your character's really well here. I love the way Kate develops as a person, very natural. Very touching piece.
Spelling and grammar
I have noted a few spelling errors for you to check up on.
"Thomas understand" - check your tenses, understood, as this piece seems to be written in the past tense.
You seem to wonder between past and present a fair bit here. It would be a good excercise to just re-check through just to get it in tip top condition.
"The phone range as I was grabbing my keys to keep my lunch date with Thomas." - I suggest a separation of some kind just before this sentence and just after theone preceeding it to distinguish between the two
time frames even if it is a couple of ..... just to ensure that the reader understands that you are talking about two different times here, as you leave tha actual wedding day and enter a new day and a new occurance (the telephone call with Andy the next day)
"that I could have " - than
"I’m wasn't going to let him down" - I wasn't
Overall
Great piece, just needs a little tidying and would have really liked to have read more about Kate's new life in California.
I havent yet finished all the chapters in this story but so far it is engrossing.
Style
I love interactives This one is particularly juicy, I have really gotten into the story so far.
I love the unpredictability of it, great fun.
Spelling and grammar
I won't comment on every chapter but here is just a few tiny typos that I have picked up on.
Chapter 1
""Man, what too you guys so long?"" - took
Chapter 2
"Leiah wail." - Here wails is more appropriate as the rest of the story is set in present day and as if the events are actually happening at this very moment.
"so should be leave or go?" " we instead of be here.
Chapter 5
"of you talking about the what exactly happened" the no needed here.
There are more exapmples of these little bloops throughout.
Overall
As I haven't finished all the story as yet and there is always options for me to choose other options then I'm off back in for another delve around.
Nice work
A great job, let us all stand together and send our prayers to those who suffer the wrath of the Tsunami.
Style
Great use of the acrostic here. Have another look however at some of your line lengths they don't all fit together as neatly as we'd like to hope. Spelling and grammar
I found no grammatical or spelling issues
Overall
adjusting the above mentioned line lengths will give an overall better effect for the message to shine through here.
This is an important message one that we should all look at, it is important that we rtry our best to help and support those suffering any way we can. You have certainly done your own little piece here
Style
the presentation of thispoem really reminds me of flickering flames. The inconsistent line lengths reflecting the imagery. Great, this is a real nice touch
Spellign and grammar
I found no grammatical or spelling errors here.
Overall
Nicely presented, and great content.
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Style
The bond that yoou have between you and your children really glows throughout this piece, it is beautiful how a mother like yourself notices every little detail as your children grow, makes me want children even more (I want 6)
Spelling and grammar
I found just the one slight misspell here which I have illustrated:
"When I got perg" - preg.
Overall
I can really feel the bond here, wonderful piece.
This is especially apt for the Christmas period, with som many apart during this time when families should be all together.
Style
I love the complexity of this poem, reflecting the complexity of relationships and families, tied together with love, torn by distance.
Spelling and grammar
I found no spelling or grammar errors here
Overall
Another great item in your port, I always come back as there are so many items to browse through and enjoy.
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Quite beautiful. I really love the simplicity of the poem and how it talks of a much more complex issue. Great rhyming scheme and flows wonderfully. 
