Hi Sean.
Wow! I love some of the terms you use in this poem, like "beauty walks up", "provocatively sweet" and "tempts my sight". Lovely! Your imagery is fantastic, and really puts the reader into the scene. Your rhyme scheme is good, too, and follows an A, A, A, A / B, B, B, B set.
I want to give you some constructive feedback, and I hope you will take it in the spirit in which it is intended, and that is only to be helpful.
I only just learned this myself, but I see where my reviewer was spot on when they said that using verbs that end in -ing tend to weaken the poem. For example, in your first stanza, first line you write: My eyes open, shuttering at the intense light.
You may want to try the following: My eyes open, and shutter at the intense light
Also in that same verse, you use the verb "jumps" to describe the action of your heart. Did you consider maybe using "leaps", "surges" or "springs"?
Fluid her movements as she advances, slow, graceful, unique. Here, it might be a good idea to interchange "slow" and "graceful" so that the two double-syllabled words balance each other around the one-syllable word. Fluid her movements as she advances, graceful, slow, unique.
While the rest flows Is this regarding the rest of her hair? If so, you may want to try something like: The rest of her locks dance sensual, with the wind's dainty (or airy) beat.
You mentioned wanting to add another verse, and just for fun, I wrote this. Maybe it'll give you inspiration.
She is my star, the angel I've searched for
My passion is now ignited, burning me at my core
My love will eternally pursue her, she is the beauty I adore
She's the twinkle in my eye, my heart's ballad forevermore
Thank you so much for sharing your soul with me. It's beautiful! Have a lovely day!
Best,
Crissy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Please check out my contest @ "Invalid Item"
|