I love them, along with Haiku, because if done correctly they are so beautiful and convey a lasting thought to its reader. And that is what you have done here with this one, it speaks of things in our past that make us who we are, all we have to do is look at the memories in our hearts, reaching deep within our souls and so much is seen.
Syllable count was perfect also
Excellent Job Poet!
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Title (Relevance to poem): This title does nothing for the enhancement of your poem. The poem holds such a deep meaning and message but it is not descriptive enough for the poem. I would make it a little more special and befitting of its words.
Originality: I think the comparison of the writer to a lake makes this a very unique poem. As lakes are deep thus the writer is offering itself up to be one filled with deep movements in a relationship.
Imagery: The imagery was fantastic. your use of metaphors enhanced the entire essence of the poem. I especially liked - "I'll embrace you with warm waters and soft flowing streams" That was very nice
Rhyme, rhythm, and flow: There was no rhyme scheme however its flow was natural and unforced.
Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation: In the 3rd stanza, 2nd line: Contemplating instead of contemplate & In the 3rd stanza, 3rd line: Making instead of make
Ending: The ending was nice, I like it because it reminds me of a fairytale ending in a very romantic setting. Water is always a romantic setting and the fact that your poem was based on that, it heightens its meaning.
Overall: If you cant tell already I enjoyed this very much. If the corrections are made under spelling it would provide a very easier read and keep its reader focused and interested.
My Suggestions:
Just the grammar items and the title.
I liked the message in this poem. It points out that stress is hard on some of us and can lead to someone thinking that there only option is to end it. However, thats not the case at all, there are a million other avenues that can be taken before even considering this.
Up to the 7th line, I was into what you were saying and the flow was was nice. Then after this point the poem when the other direction and left me wondering...if its still a poem, as it is now reading like a short story. Its too much of your writing for me to offer suggestion without butchering your story, but just read over it and see if you can get back on to a poem.
Also noticed a couple of types/spelling mistakes:
Correct Spelling
1st line - something
8nd line - decide
11rd line - business
13th line - relieve
Wow, this has helped me a great deal. I was asked to post in "citem" and I'm thinking "what in the world is that" You have cleared that up along with giving me other options which can each be used for different situations.
I am including this is on the public review page in hopes that others who have no clue (like me)will find a way to you article and improve their writing.com skills as well.
Thanks so much for the much needed info! And for helping Newbies such as myself.
I liked this piece. It is very creative and is flowing with uniqueness, from its tone to its form.
It paints two pictures for its reader, both very clear...just allows you to decide which end of the picture you want to see. It could be that the father has left the home by his choice or that he was taken away from this life. Either way he left his daughter with grand memories of him that will forever linger in her heart and mind.
The love that Jesus has for each and everyone of us is a beautiful story, it is the best story ever told. It continues to hold families together and stop satin in his tracks.
Your poem gives a wonderful message of how we should live our lives as in the end none of these wordly possessions will go with us when we depart from this place nor do they help us get their any faster.
As i read it, I thought of a relationship gone bad and the memory of it was brought to surface by the downpour of rain. However I was lead to believe that I could be wrong in my thoughts as the placement of words did not support the feelings I got at first. I think more elaboration would allow for a clear picture of its meaning.
Keep the pen vertical and God Bless.
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I like the choices this poem offers to its reader and obviously to its writer. It covers many topics about one thinking too much and not acting out with their plans.
I could not fully enjoy the message of this poem too as the flow was interupted by various syllable counts and line structor that had no order.
I think with a little adjuting this poem would really impact its readers. Mainly in line formation.
Keep the pen vertical and God Bless
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This is a very beautiful poem. It is pleasurable on the eyes and in the mind. Its lends itself to be something we can all strive for...wishing happiness to all during this special time of year. You have created a lovely Concrete Poem (or picture poem), with an easy and enjoyable flow.
Keep the pen vertical.
God Bless,
cookie
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In so few words you have provided great detail of what its like to be in love and to be loved.
Your word choice is ver fitting for this poem as they give a powerful message which is very important with short poem. GREAT JOB
Lines 3 and 4 offer great imagery as they express using comparison on words that all can invision clearly. This was very eloquently thought out and composed.
Keep the pen vertical and God Bless
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This is such a sad poem but it is writen very nicely. You describe for your readers how you are feeling now that your cousin is gone and admite to yourself the things you were guilty of. But know this: everything is for a reason as it's God Will. Your family member is resting in the arms our God and smiling at you for composing this awesome poem!
It's a very emotional poem filled with confusion, which you provide a clear picture of in your words. And one that many of us can relate to as most of have lost someone and have wondered "Why" or "How".
Keep the pen vertical, poetry provides a great outlet for our feelings!
Gods Blessings,
Cookie
Wow! You provide great imagery in this read. This poem is very exciting...ever think about a part two or maybe even a short story?
The flow of this one was VERY nice, each line flowing smoothly into the next, allowing for a great read.
The imagery in this takes me to what it likes when my children are not home when they should be...hopefully mine doesnt lead to the end result of this one, hearing voices!
Excellent work of art!
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I enjoyed reading this poem, it paints a clear picture for its reader. One of disappointment in a relationship of no communication of feelings or sharing of emotions.
I like the style you wrote it in, how the three middle stanza's start with one word and you go on to give detail to support that error in the relationship. Very nice
I noticed a few errors which caused a change in flow, thus causing a distraction in the reading of the poem:
4th stana, 3rd line - remove the word "to" or change "to" to "too,". I think it would read better removing "to", but I dont know if you were trying to say something different.
Great Job, Keep the pen vertical
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Very nice poem, its flow was very smooth. It is so sad, but of course an accurate account of what happens to so many too often. Your imagery was fantastic it took the reader into the mind of a tormented abused child. And gave a glance at what the rest of her life will hold. Keep up the good work
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I enjoyed this very much. If the corrections are made under spelling it would provide a very easier read and keep its reader focused and interested.
