This story is absolutely perfect. A western, with nothing lacking. I could hear the sounds in the saloon, almost smell the air. You're a master story teller in every way.
I tried to find a favorite line, but I couldn't. I like them all and am unable to single anything out. Very well done.
A little bit of a correction here. This story is set in the Nevada desert in the blistering hot summer time. You have this description:
the bluest of blue skies.
Unfortunately, in the summer time in Nevada, New Mexico, Texas and other hot, dry wester places, blue skies aren't. They are washed out, sometimes almost white. You dont get the blue until things cool down. And at the time of day you have this taking place, it's the hottest, not the coolest.
This feels very much like a myth or an anchient tale. It reminds me of a number of the Grimm's fairy tales, which I love. It also has a definate Seelie court flavor.
I like it. It's a bit over done, a little too much over explained however, which dilutes the point.
I love this! You've got a marvelous way with words, at once both whimsical and deep.
My favorite line is:
It’s like famished ants divulging meat
The addition of the word famished just really enhances that sentence, giving me the mental impression, not only of a swarm of ants crawling on a pice of meat that's been left on the ground, but doing so franticaly
Perfect. Wonderful imagery, marvelous job touching and twisting the readers emotions. It's very easy to understand what the speaker is feeling. It evokes both the desire to reach out and comfort as well as the need to cry.
Wonderful job on this poem. The imagery is tantalizing, at once both tender and bittersweet. It's a great description of a less than ideal relationship.
there are a few problems which prevents me from giving this a 5 star raiting.
In this sentence:
At times its swapped
its should be it's as it stands for it is
and again in this sentence:
Its switched
should be
It's switched
In this sentence:
we will keep eachother's restlessness company
there needs to be a space between each and other's
In this sentence:
at the end of salty pharagraphs
the word should be spelled paragraphs
overall:
Excellent work and very few problems. write more like this. Lots more.
Another one that's perfectly written, perfectly executed and perfectly presented. This should be in a printed book, and being turned into a movie, not just stashed way in your portfolio here on wdc.
I'm not usualy a fan of horror, at least not the modern kind. I dislike slasher and gore. This has all the elements of classic horror mixed with a nice Hemingway twist. Very well done. I'd tell you to write more like this but you're already doing that very well.
Anyone that hasn't visted this authors port should do so very very soon, and stay for a very long time.
Very well written and presented. As this is a clinical piece, I would like to have seen more than just Dawn's case documented. I would also like some refrences to studies or other research material mentioned in the closing comments, foot notes with page and paragraph or specific quotes from various doctors and researchers.
This isn't bad but some parts of it are awkward to read. I understand the rules restrict the use of any word more than once, which can be a bit difficult. That you've followed well, however because you used the word the in the second sentence, you found yourself unable to use it anywhere else, which lead to the awkwardness.
There are other words which could have been used, and smoothed things out. This sentence for example:
Cacophony rents air.
That is technicaly correct by the rules of the contest but no one would ever say that, and it's hard to read.
You might have combined the two sentences:
Cacophony rents air. Sales assistant has skillfully pressed alarm button unseen.
First a comment on the piece provided by your teacher:
it needs line breaks between the paragraphs.
Now, since you requested indepth corrections, I have the following comments:
>The seconds and minutes passed.
That is a bland, boring sentence. It provides a technical description and little else. There's no tension, nothing to connect the reader to why we care about the seconds and minutes passing. The addition of one word would greatly increase the emotional impact. Something like this:
The seconds and minutes passed slowly.
now we feel time beginning to drag.
It still lacks punch however, so how about rephrasing it some thus:
Seconds crawled past.
Or
Seconds ticked by, turning into slowly into minutes.
The next sentence is:
>He had been early, but now it was ten minutes since
>Annie should have been here.
This is awkward to read. It's clearly stated. We know that John got there a bit early and now the person he's been wating for is late. However it doesn't flow smoothly. It might be better to rephrase it thus:
Arriving early, John had waited paitently for almost thirty minutes and was now becoming worried. Anne's train was ten minutes over due.
I won't go through the rest as this is your assignment. You have a very nice start. Now you need to re-read it, add details and richness, some spice and a bit of unexpected flavor.
This is very well written and fun to read. I enjoyed the character Jeremiah and the description of Wallmart was very realistic.
I didn't give this a 5 star rating because I found myself confused until I was more than 3/4 of the way through it. I was given the impression, though I'm not sure how, that he was going to Walmart to get a part-time job, probably as a greeter. Because of that confusion, I missed the entire point of the story for most of it and wound up having to read it twice.
This is very well written and easy to read. The imagery in this poem is gentle, and pleasent.
The only things that prevent me from giving this a 5 star raiting are techinical.
Possivies should have a ' before the s. For example, in the sentence:
My childrens hands I hold in mine
it should be children's
The hands belong to the children. They possess the hands.
Contractions should also have a '. In this sentence:
that theres so much more,
the word theres is a contraction of there is. So it should be written there's
This is interesting and there is good use of imagery in this.
It's hard to tell if this is intended to be a poem or prose. The last two lines start this way:
n i asked
n He says
That is confusing and looks as if at least one word were missing all but it's final letter.
The thought also doesn't feel completely. The short description states that the excerpt tells use no matter what, God is always there. However it starts in the middle of a sentence, or appears to as the first letter of that sentence isn't capitalized...and ends with someone stating that the problem is someone elses narrow vision.
It does discuss God, some what, but I see nothing in it that gives proof that God is there no matter what as the short description states.
This is wonderfuly written. It holds to the same tempo through the entire piece, it follow the same pattern of ryming and each thought is clearly expressed. It's very easy to read this, to understand what the point being stated is and to connect emotionaly with the speaker.
This is a good start. A poem about love is always touching.
There are a few techincal problems with this that should be addressed.
1. please do not type all in caps. Capitalize only the first word of a sentence and a proper noun. Everything else should be in lower case letters. The only exception to this is titles, where most words, except for words like it can be capitalized. The only time all caps should be used is if there is a need to emphasize a word, such as in the sentence:
"NO!" the furious man yelled at his oblivous dog who was digging up the flowerbed.
2. Please put each sentence on a new line. It makes it much eaiser for the reader to understand what's being said.
3. Please check both spelling and grammer. For example, the title of this piece is
when love follow you home
However the correct spelling should be follows.
Second, you have this sentence:
When there is no rainy days.
Correct grammer on that should be:
When there are no rainy days.
the word is should be used for a singular noun:
is no rainy day
The word are should be used for a plural noun
are no rainy days
This is not bad. The imagery is good and held my attention.
I'm confused however. The first character mentioned is the grim reaper. However it ends by giving the impression that he would be swayed by a mortal smiling at him. That to me is confusing and so I'm left wondering what the real point is that the poem is trying to make.
This is excellent. Very well written and presented. It could use some writingML tags, such as bullets or bolding just to enhance it, but they are certainly not required.
The subject matter is written specificaly for medical professionals, however it would lend itself well for a more general audience, including every writer in existance who has reams of paper, overflowing note books and no more room on his or her desk.
A well written poem that is light hearted and fun to read. It almost makes me want to go get a cup of tea.
Favorite line:
Steam forming arabesque freizes,
Over all impression:
A relaxing piece, which translates well to the reader the pleasent time that the author has when taking a break to enjoy a cup of tea.
Nitpicky comment:
Find some other way to express simile rather than repeating the word Like three times in the poem, twice in one stanza.
not a bad start. The characters seem believeable and realstic, though I fail to see any valid reason for the insertion of cuss words into the piece.
Favorite line:
...the most amazing cinnamon brown eyes she had ever seen.
Over all:
As an introduction to what seems to be a much longer story this works well. It also stands alone just fine as a short story, something that isn't easily accomplished.
Rating: 4.5. A bit lower than I would have rated it because of the cuss words. As a general rule, the english language has a number of excellent descriptive words which are seldom employeed. A piece that resorts to common vulgarities instead of expanding the readers vocabulary slightly is disappointing.
The folder was what was linked in the forum for review, so i'm not sure if you're wanting a review of the folder or of the items in it. As this was the link, this is what I'll discuss.
Rather than just calling all the pieces in the folder short names like 'from 1998', it would be better to give them a brief description that would entice the viewer to read them. As it is, i can't tell what might be something I'd like and what might not be.
This is a very touching poem and I think works quite well as lyrics. I already read the story behind it and I know you said a number of people had worked it over, polished it up and made it ready. Since I can't hear the music, i'm not sure how it sounds when sung. However I didn't give it a 5 star rating because when read the first line of the second stanza is awkward for me and doesn't fit the rythm of the rest of the piece.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/crystalwizard/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.38 seconds at 9:40pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
