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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/daliawren
Review Requests: OFF
17 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Direct and to the point. I will be honest and categorize my critiques. I will include a detailed list of what I like about the work at the end as well.
I'm good at...
analyzing how information is placed and Grammar rules
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Mythology
Least Favorite Genres
Action hero stuff
Favorite Item Types
Long novels and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry: Disclaimer mostly because I don't think I can accurately review or critique
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thorns:
- Some of the sentences are unwieldy
- instead of saying "certain places" give specifics. Remember, this is the first visual the reader is getting!
- Maybe chill on all the filler words like "actually" it takes away from the sentence
- "He definitely referred to my sister." sounds jumbled and unclear. I suggest, "He was definitely referring to my sister"

Roses:
- I love the different text for thoughts vs speech
- Unique phrases really give your character a distinct personality
- Introducing the stranger by the cart was beautifully done. In only a couple sentences we had a clear unique character

Final Thought:
This has an awesome story line and great potential. I would suggest that you reword many of your sentences to give it a better flow (I included an example so you can see what I mean.) and to run it through grammerly to iron out some of the grammatical issues. Definitely keep writing!
2
2
Review of Saul Bites People  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Initial Thoughts:
- Saul as a character is hilarious. I love the idea of a semi immortal being super nonchalant about all of the new stuff
- I wish there was more description of the vamp government
- The dialogue is great. Very natural

Little Things:
- Grammar and spelling
- Sugar COATING instead of sugar CODING

The Good Stuff:
- Funny concept and relatable characters

Hit up my page! It looks like we are into a lot of the same genres and I would love for you to review some of my stuff.
3
3
Review of kind to run away  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
My Initial thoughts:
- You use a lot of filler words that aren't needed. (See descriptors that don't make sense where you are using them or are sort of related, but don't flow with the story)
- When the story starts, I do not know where your characters are, nor do I ever find out.
- When you introduce the father, John, I would suggest finding a different way instead of "My father, named John,..." It is too blunt and doesn't fit seamlessly into the story.
- I have absolutely no clue what the plot of this is supposed to be based on your exposition. I suggest putting a bit more information to help the reader better understand the situation like, why the father took Eleanor on the run instead of letting her face the consequences or where they were going

Little things:
- I would run your work through Grammarly to sort out a lot of the spelling and grammar errors
- Please explain why she pushed Dolly down the stairs. In her memory we get zero motive
- Your description of this piece is really off putting, because I did not get the feeling that they were in space ever. (Maybe that comes later?)

The Good Stuff:
- You do have some good phrases in there that create nice imagery as well as good characters. With some additions they could have more layers and ultimately be awesome characters.
- Really good concept that you could definitely do a lot with
4
4
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: E | (5.0)
Stevie Ray Von is my absolute favorite blues artist. He was amazing even when he was in the grips of addiction, and once he was clean he got even better. He created such a tight and talented community in Austin and I wept with the state when he died.

This is a lovely tribute to a legend
5
5
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your sentiment and description of emotion was spot on. We lost my aunt to cancer last summer on the 4th of July, so I can definitely relate to the process and terror of finding out if tumors are to be taken seriously or not.

Keep writing. You are very good at it.
6
6
Review of Surprise  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very Hemingway. The dialogue is funny and interesting repartee between bros
7
7
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
This is a hilarious! Very funny and fun to read however there is a lot of inconsistencies in the text that leaves me as a reader with many questions like:
If the squirrels know how to open locks then
1. why did they not immediately escape the cat carriers
2. why in the second theory did they need other beings to escape.

Building off of number 2, why would the second be the more likely theory if we know for a fact they don't need help to escape.

I feel like this could be very good with just a bit of editing
8
8
Review of Double Wide  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This made me laugh becuase I live in the south and there are definitely people roaming Walmart that look exactly like this.
9
9
Review of A Journey Begun  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: E | (4.5)
very ethereal and dreamlike in nature. I love the imagery you've created and the characteristics of you're main character.

The only thing I might add would be a description of at least one of the scenes Lily was shown. Purely an opinion and if you were going for more of a vague and hazy feel that would get more details later, then this is perfect.
10
10
Review of Do What You Love!  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the phrase "currency interaction"
11
11
Review of A Love Letter  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: E | (5.0)
To a fellow coffee admirer,
You have perfectly captured the lust for coffee that most Americans feel at one time or another, and though you don't mention it by name until the end, I could guess the object of your attentions almost immediately
12
12
Review of Why Vampires Cry  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
beautiful imagery and word choice. You have perfectly crafted the phrases and words that might be used by one so old.
13
13
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Good story. A nice concept but the main character is giving off some really creepy vibes when he obsesses about how much of a virgin she is. (Makes me think he'll drop her the moment she isn't whether he or anyone else takes it.)
Ser should probably be changed to sir....
Basic grammar should still apply with quotation marks around dialogue so readers can tell what is dialogue and what isn't
14
14
Review of Paranoia  
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I don't write a lot of poetry, but I read quite a bit of it. The story captures my attention from the get go and doesn't release it until the end. Dark and rich feeling that makes the unsuspecting reader tense up and empathize with the character.
15
15
Review by Dahlia>>
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is an awesome prologue/chapter. I love the way that you put a twist on metaphors and sayings so they paint a pretty clear picture for the reader. Even though the backstory is short, It is extremely effective in hooking the readers attention and drowning us in Cassius's pain.
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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/daliawren