|My Initial thoughts:
- You use a lot of filler words that aren't needed. (See descriptors that don't make sense where you are using them or are sort of related, but don't flow with the story)
- When the story starts, I do not know where your characters are, nor do I ever find out.
- When you introduce the father, John, I would suggest finding a different way instead of "My father, named John,..." It is too blunt and doesn't fit seamlessly into the story.
- I have absolutely no clue what the plot of this is supposed to be based on your exposition. I suggest putting a bit more information to help the reader better understand the situation like, why the father took Eleanor on the run instead of letting her face the consequences or where they were going
- I would run your work through Grammarly to sort out a lot of the spelling and grammar errors
- Please explain why she pushed Dolly down the stairs. In her memory we get zero motive
- Your description of this piece is really off putting, because I did not get the feeling that they were in space ever. (Maybe that comes later?)
The Good Stuff:
- You do have some good phrases in there that create nice imagery as well as good characters. With some additions they could have more layers and ultimately be awesome characters.
- Really good concept that you could definitely do a lot with