I love this! It is so well-written. You have a created a rhyming poem without they rhymes feeling forced. Although it is a poem, it leads you down the road of a short-short story. The line where you find out that the bunny is a statue is a shock but then the statue hops off which makes you wonder if the bunny is a statue or just thinks that he is.
Very nice! It is short and to the point. The lines are visually pleasant and the words rhyme just enough to keep the flow of the thought moving, which leads to a quick read. The visual is nice and makes me want to sit on that hill with you.
The last line slows quite a bit which helps to signal the end. I hope to read more from you soon. Regards, Daphne
This is a great reflection of the seasons. The only think I would say is don't feel obligated to put a comma at the end of every line. For instance, "Sun blossoms above,// flowers pushing through soil, // like fawns from the womb." You don't need a comma between soil and like. Otherwise, a very good read. Hope to see more soon. Regards, Daphne
I'm not sure how to critique this other than to tell you that this is a great way to get information out on the presidential vote in Kenya that will happen Thursday, October 26, 2017. Indeed the world will be watching. I hope you submit other pieces that can be critiqued and help you with your writing. Regards, Daphne
This poem is definitely melancholy. I like it quite a bit; however, there are a few phrases that left me with questions. You do a good job of being consistent with your lines and rhyming. My first question is, do you mean for this line - "Searching standing still" - to be drawn out or are you saying that you are literally searching while standing still? You might try, "Searching -- standing still" or "Searching; standing still" unless you meant the first line I presented. Second, "unsureity" is not a word. If you are trying to create a work, ok? - maybe, but it otherwise should not be used. You could try -- "I'm confident and unsure" or "I'm confident and don't know". Of course, there are many other options. Thank you for letting me read and I look forward to reading you in the future. Regards, Daphne
This piece is a well-written abstract piece. You never directly address that it is religious but the point gets across non-the-less. I did have trouble with one line, though. "Whispers answer" -- I kept reading it as "...answered" -- not sure why but I thought you might want to look at that line one more time. I look forward to reading more from you. Regards, Daphne
This poem starts out great! I love the imagery brought on by the first stanza. The second stanza is harder to follow. If you broke it into smaller lines - like line breaks at the periods - I believe it would flow smoother. The same with the last stanza but that last line, in my opinion, should just be "the sweetest grown wine."
Otherwise, it is a great read and I look forward to reading more from you. Regards, Daphne
This is beautiful! I love the imagery that you present as you move from line to line. I did see one thing that I think is a typo. You have "Even after your life comes to and end" but I think you mean "an end". Otherwise, it is beautifully written and what a praise to God in the process. I Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
I really like the passion behind this piece. Lots of us ask why we are trying so hard for things that seem so important at the time but later becomes trivial. I do have a couple of suggestions. First, in the 3rd line you say "all" three times. I got bogged down by this when reading. It may be that you want to stress that word but I think that you would have more success if you reworded that phrase. Second, it seems to me that the font changed about half way through and I lost focus when this happened. It is a great idea and I look forward to reading more from you.
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