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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dray
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43 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Bruised  
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good descriptive poet on "bruises, bruising and bruised". You paint an evocative picture of the various types of harm that a person can suffer.

Emotional, physical and percieved damage all result in trauma. Nice and well thought out unusual concept that is nicely executed - well done.

Keep writing

Dray
2
2
Review of At The Palace  
Review by Draylock
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good insight into the problems a couple of girls face when out for a simple drink after work. Painted a picture of their lives very well and made them believable. All building up to their final submission at the end.

I have only one suggestion for you:

Yeah, ‘cept for the problems. (you may consider defining the problems, for instance "Yeah, ‘cept for a couple of problems." or something like that)

Nice ending by the way, wrapped it up nicely

Good luck and keep writing
3
3
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Refreshing look at the age old accepted stories. Which I like very much. I have the following comments/observations:

1. All in good humor and saintly hood (sainthood)

2. humor and saintly hood(,) each omnipotent

3. Some of the sentence construction you use means that the message is somewhat confusing, leaving the reader, in parts, needing to reread sections to fully inderstand your message.

Overall, good work.

Dray
4
4
Review of Perseverance  
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice little poem, however one thought struck me when reading through for the first time, the following line:

No one is putting their money on me.
So a lot of people are going to lose.

(if no one is putting money on the character - how can they lose - contradiction?)

Keep up the good work

Dray
5
5
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (3.5)
I loved your concept here and can agree with you.

This is full of good ideas but unfortunately marred by lack of punctuation. For example:

Let me give an example...a normal family...in English culture this would probably be separated parents and disillusioned children, since they make up the majority in surveys...but this would not be the considered "normal", for "normal" does not mean normal in our language, it means "what the system decree's as acceptable" or "what constitutes a good robot (Human - if you prefer)"...

As this is all one sentence, it is saying an awful lot, but the messages you are trying to put across are lost.

I too, until very recently suffered from the same fate of long sentences, and losing the message. To a degree I still am, but I am learning. Each sentence should say something, not 5 or 6 ideas; while each may be fundamental to your work they lose effect. Therefore the whole piece suffers as a consequence.

Someone suggested to me; try reading aloud what you have written, the lack of punctuation and/or sentence construction makes this near impossible. As I said I am learning myself, but this was good advice and I try to follow it.

Good luck
6
6
Review of The Soldier  
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice verse, and quite poignant, I have the following comments for your consideration:

My face is front of pain and
a terrible game. (sorry - I didn't really get this line)

The third and forth verses are great, was only a little let down by the final line, I (unfortunately) have no suggestions to offer, but it just did not seem right.

Good work

Dray
7
7
Review of The Real Santa  
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good work and nice words, as the owner of a daft dog myself who follows me everywhere I know exactly where you are coming from here. The loyalty and unquestioning dedication is a gift.

One question:

Just reach under his chin and scritch in his sleep, (did you really mean "scritch"?)

Good work

Dray
8
8
Review of "Mother's Knife"  
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very evocative portrayal of a loathsome parent, and demonstrating who those closest to us can hurt the most.

While not all will have a mother like this (thankfully), most will know of someone who fits this rolle and can sympathise with the narrator.

Good work and well done

Dray
9
9
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice work, lovely spin on an overdone subject (reality TV stinks).

The ideas just tumble after each other in succession; however you could slightly inprove the flow with a little puctuation here and there.

I have only two specific examples:

" Right(,) " said the

Til (Till) a young skinny hand

Nice work, keep it up

Dray
10
10
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (4.0)
You dream of Utopia my friend. It is a lovely vision, however the crime rates of yesteryear, by percentage, were higher than today. Nowadays we have global instant communications and a media hungry to portray the worst mankind is capable of; back then it was a blind eye.

Having said all that I liked your poem and also wish for a return to better societal values and morals.

Dray
11
11
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good theme; an invisible and unrecognised love that many teens (and ex-teens) can possibly identify with. I found the lines somewhat disjointed however, and struggled to find a strong theme that really gripped me - maybe this is because it is dealing with so many facets of loving someone from afar.

Keep write On!

Dray
12
12
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (2.0)
I am going to assume this is just an idea that will develop further, as what you have hereis... Well not much to be posting as a static item.

That aside, I do like the base you ave made for yourself and wish you well in what you have planned.

Good luck

Dray
13
13
Review of A theft  
Review by Draylock
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is difficult to read owing to to numerous punctuation and spacing errors. First things first, go through the document and put a space after every full stop! Next consider breaking some of the larger sentences up to workable parts. Then look at each sentence in turn - does it say what you want it to say. And finally break the entire text into paragraphs dealing with each scenario independently.

For example you say: On asking where her daughter was then, she didn't replied. (I know what you meant - but you should have said "On asking where her daughter was, she didn't reply."

Spelling is good, although alternate words could be more appropriate in certain circumstances - you will not really see this until you have done the above edit.

Your story is good but heavily marred by these simple errors
14
14
Review of Catch Of The Day  
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Your story flows well and has some good ideas; however, on a scariness scale it doesn't do anything for me I'm afraid.

I liked the portrayal of an old man, who seems to refuse to acknoledge his years.

Specific technical issues as follows:

at least Edna isn't on me to do something (try:at least Edna isn't onto me to do something)

Sighing to himself he baited his hook and threw it out one last time. (comma needed afterhimeself)

Feeling just a bit on the not so sober side he looked for a place to releive his full bladder and hobbled over to a tree that looked to him to be in need of some fertilizing. (long sentence with out break, cosider breaking into two or at least adding a comma somewhere)

Releif washed over him (Sp. relief)

nature kicked in and his full bladder became empty. (use "emptied" instead of "became empty")

He was giving (himself) a shake

The cork bobbed and weaved, (end sentence with Full Stop)

Thinking that the fish had broken off the hook(,) he was reeling it in when something dark started to emerge from the water.

Part of Clarence knew that what was happening was unbelieveable and he considered (wondered) that it might be some kind of dementia that comes on with old age. (Long sentence, consider breaking it with comma or into two)

He noticed her hands, smooth skin and black fingernails. (try: He noticed her hands; the smooth skin and black fingernails.)

The back part of his mind began screaming at him to run away but his body was (as) useless as his bladder had been just a short time ago. (again another long sentence)

Numb cold raced through his body as he heard her whisper with a hiss "I've been waiting for you". (comma after hiss; the Full stop needs moving inside quote marks)
15
15
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Nice, can be read by many readers and interpreted in many differnt words to suit the needs/wishes/life of the individual.

Tells a tale of a lonely, unjustly treated individual who is basically a good person and is wanting the world to know it.
16
16
Review of Victims Anonymous  
Review by Draylock
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Brilliant and unexpected twist, succinct yet deceitful character development. I was drawn in completely into believing that Todd was going to be a hero/saviour. Well done - no! excellent in 500 words. Keep up the good work.
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