|I wasn't quite expecting the twist at the end! Haha.
Now, because this is free verse, I can't exactly tell you what you should and shouldn't do because it is your style, your central idea. But, what I can do is give you suggestions to a more open poem, one that brings the readers in :)
I like the surprise at the end, but if you get readers guessing, they will be more interested in the poem and want to keep reading to find the end result. That being said, I don't believe they keep the body's eyes open in the casket, so instead of him "staring at you with thoughts of love," it could be something like, "your eyelids are closed, but I know you're still watching me." It isn't blunt, but it gives a hint. "Could he be dead? Or is he just closing his eyes?" And then you could go on with the rest of your poem. give a little lee-way for questions :)
The only other thing I have to mention is it could probably use some imagery; take the reader where you are, describe things you're feeling, describe how his hands are cold or his face looks flushed, describe the smell of lingering cologne and salty water (tears).
Readers like to be involved and using the senses creates imagery and pulls us all in :)
I enjoyed your piece, thank you for sharing it!
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