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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drstatic
Review Requests: ON
893 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Nimrod  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
TOO true my friend. I've watched this phenomena for most of my 78 years. I remember an incident when I was five years old. I was put into first grade because the kindergarten was full. Even at that early age I remember wondering why do my class mates not understand? I learned rapidly not to comment about others not understanding. I didn't understand that all children,(adults too) are not blessed with the same amount of brains. And so it goes, stupidity seems to reign by sheer numbers. All these years later it seems to me things have only gone down hill. Perhaps I'm pessimistic in my old age. I really don't expect very many to be ale to see what is going on all around them.

MO
2
2
Review of Lost  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time I would have been in the front row as the indignation with which this piece inspires me in strong, but alas, My indignant days are long passed and left curbside for pickup when the masked collectors picked Friday morning promptly at 7:50 Am as usual.

I wondered if this piece might have been subconsciously inspired by the Great Greek philosophers who wrote about the Demise of the Island of Thera giving a certain Credibility to the legends of Atlantis.

I'm sure when the caldura vomited sixteen cubic miles of ejecta ehen it exploded.

I like this piece and then I found a missing then which you just corrected I use this word to describe : (it follows) Then. Some wise man declared that THIS EVENT WAS PUNISHMENT FOR ANGERING THE GODS>

I Can say this, It was the loudest sound ever heard on earth.
3
3
Review of My Autobiography  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Thank you for introducing yourself in such a pleasing way. I feel like I had coffee and a chat with you. I am pleased that you read my open letter. When I read it just now It seemed like meeting an old friend. I realize the last eight years have mellowed this old man. I'm seventy eight and intend to be around for a long time so I'm holed up im my two room apt on the 11th floor of a twelve story stone structure with all the eye appeal of a maximum security prison. There is no razor wire on top of the chain link fence around the back. It is better than being surrounded by three fences like the place I grew up. Igloo South Dakota home of Ammunition storage bunkers with a similarity to Eskimo Ice Houses. So the nickname for the base which included the town: houses, three stores a gas station, the rec center, and library which was a godsend to me. We were blessed with a chapel, an on base hospital, and an outstanding school. (I say academically.) We had a pecking order, and people like me were at the bottom rung. IT would take pages to explain. If you are interested I'll elaborate. If not, that is ok too. I understand.




4
4
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem shows a certain maturity. You are definitely growing as a poet. The flow of your thoughts is easy to follow albeit a tiny bit jerky in spots. Reading this piece aloud gives a good feel for meter. If you keep a thesaurus handy you can find words which can be substituted and still have the meaning which you intend and have the added benefit of fitting the cadence of your words.

Poetry is about the sound and the flow of your words. It takes being willing to spend some time editing in order to have a finished poem that leaves a lingering taste on your readers lips like a bite of Tupelo Honey.

Forgive me for being a needy old man.

Moe



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It was said by a famous author (my memory fails me here) "When I sit down to write I puncture a vein and bleed on the paper."

It is relatively safe here to put your feelings on paper. How ever I must tell you that this old Grandfather would give you a long warm hug if he had the chance. It is something I need also. Needing a hug does not make either of us less than.

I like this piece when I read it aloud, I enjoy the smooth way that it flows.
MOE


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The one suggestion that I have about the piece is there is an unnecessary break after picture where you look. It is distracting and interrupts the flow of this piece. Continuity both visual and in flow is the goal for which we all strive.

In places you have a tendency to be a bit wordy, having clusters of non productive words which obscure your message.

FOR INSTANCE:(Look, I do not want you to think that I am acting like) could be reduced to Please don't see me as an insane creature who responds with anger when ignored.

Hey Keep a handle on your heart when you lose it. Writing helps.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Song of an Age  
Review by Moarzjasac
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, may I say I feel honored to be trusted to review this magnificent piece.

I like this most thought provoking little poem. You made each and every word count as one should. It flows well from start to finish.

This piece is small but it packs a strong message!

MOE
8
8
Review of Gems  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Since I am 51 years older than you there will necessarily be differences of perspective. So forgive me if I seem a bit gruff. I want my message to get across to my reader. That should be your number one priority. Or is the first priority to have fun writing, which is absolutely fine if you brought your reader along with you.

Open with a strong reader grabbing line! It doesn't natter if you are writing a four line poem or a four hundred thousand word piece.

Don't get me wrong I really like your thoughts, but your opening read:
I run my fingers across the stones at the bottom of the stream. Nothing. ???????

Was the water clear? How did the water feel running over the back of your hand feel. Was it cool?

Then you confused me with nothing? Were your hands numb? Were you unable to link up with the vibrations of the earth? Did you not receive the inherent joy of plunging your hand into the clear cool stream? Describe the stones. Were they flat sheets of slate, or were they worn round from rolling along the stream bed for a distance.
How far? The shorter the distance the less wear effect the stream will have upon them. Use your vocabulary to paint me a clear picture that I can see, and have fun doing it. We will smile together or cry together my young friend. Best of luck here. Please enjoy the benefits. Note I can re-rate this after you edit it thinking about what I told you.

Moe



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of I Will Wait  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This would lose its rough edges if you change the way that you present it. As an intense and personal letter would be the perfect way to communicate your thoughts to your reader They have an odor of intimacy to them which I caught by your third word. AS A LETTER you can make this the intense message that you originally intended.

My very best to you, my young friend. Keep on writing. You have a special gift of communication with your readers. USE IT WISELY!

You must recognize that you have some work to bring what you've written to the market. The higher a piece's polish the more it can command, and the better the publisher you can present it to. Better publishers pay more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of The Hard Way  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Your descriptions of your feelings, what you saw, and what went through your mind were excellent! Your description of being yelled at brought back memories.

My service was in South East Asia and I came home intact physically. Mentally was a different story. I saw things which changed my perspective. I came home to a different America than the one I left.

This is not the place to share my story, It is a place for me to give you my profound gratitude for your sacrifices.

Thank you for sharing.

Now, Your story needs the application of "The Grammar Hammer."

I don't know how much education that you have, either self taught or official school.

There are several things, of which you need to be aware:
1. Always capitalize the word God.
2. Your clauses could be arranged better. IE.(Interpreters managed to get people to calmly evacuate using megaphones.) It is less confusing if Using megaphones, starts your sentence.
3. You need to apply the rules as to when to start a new paragraph. I still have trouble with this too.

Good writing, I look to read more of what you write!

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Safe Space  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
These are your thoughts, I follow what you mean but your presentation is much different than mine.

I am honored to welcome you to WDC. We come from many countries with diverse traditions. Schools vary in what they teach. Translations from many languages to English is difficult. What level of education do you have? That is important for me to know. I would not use the same language to speak to a child of eight that I would use to communicate with someone my age. I am seventy-eight. I am self-educated except for two years of college. One junior college and one at university level. I have traveled far, to many countries. I have seen things which I hope my children can avoid. Luckily there is no draft now. And places like WDC where people can lean from each otherand expand their vocabulary with more words so that they can share stories, ideas, and poems. There are some awesome people who are willing to help you at whatever level you are at. But we must understand who you are. I believe that you trust us because you submitted a piece of writing for review. If what you write comes from the same place inside you as where my writing comes from inside me, then I understand the pain of being sure. Will someone out there understand me. Is someone out there willing to communicate?
Risk. I’m talking the risk you took letting complete strangers review your work. You are half-way home! If you fill out your bio you are much more likely to find someone who is willing to communicate with you. You must use the vocabulary that you share to establish meaningful communication by filling out your bio. The syntax of your language might be different than mine. Sometimes we can laugh with one another over that. We can help each other learn to communicate together. Thank you for your differences There is much to learn from you my young friend. If I am successful in my attempt to communicate with you perhaps, I can share something from the experience of my long which will prove beneficial to you. It is good for both of us, or it is good not at all. I hope for both, my young friend.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You did well with the prompt!

This takes me back to New Year 1960 at Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. The first time I was able to enjoy candle powered hot air balloons was my first New Year away from my home in South Dakota. I'm mot positive if that was the time I came back to Treasure Island with tiny gems of frozen rain on my Pea coat. I ate at Kan's Chinese restaurant on the way back I collected the gems waiting for the bus.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of The Heater  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello young one. I like this lots! I habitually read out loud and see what a poem feels like rolling off my tongue and the taste that lingers after each word passes my lips. Yours feel great and leave a gentle slightly spicy aftertaste.

I like the sequence of your thoughts. You paint a picture of each one and then progress to the next subtly hooking the chain of thoughts into a colorful meaningful necklace.

You dance around that heater like a ballet dancer seeing, hearing and feeling from every angle around it. I can feel the warmth radiating from the heater and from the heart of the author. Keep writing like this. You are an inspiration to an old man. I am 78 years old, a semi shut in. I leave where I live as infrequently as possible in winter.

Please drop me a note. I'd like to be a computer pal.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of The Injustice  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I welcome you to WDC. However I feel cheated because I can't read a word and be sure that it means what I think that it does. If you post an English translation of this as well, your target audience would be expanded exponentially.

Think about for whom you write.

If I could understand your message I would give you a much better rating.

WDC allows do overs.

Moarzjasac


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very good. It flows easily and smoothly building toward the closing.

Your points are things everyone could take the time to think about.

Thank you for your sincerity, honesty, and willingness to share. I have been blessed by reading this. Thank You.

Moe (Moarzjasac)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Magic Hands  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I bid you welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your membership as much as I have enjoyed mine. Please take a few minutes to set up your bio.

I as your reviewer need as much information as possible to give you a credible review.

I feel uncomfortable trying to use the same yardstick to measure the work of a child as I use to review a PHD in English. I can't really be fair to the author I'm attempting to review.

I recommend that you have a friend read this aloud to you. That way you have two sets of senses working for you. Rough spots show clearly and make your final effort smoother and more coherent.

Best to you. I sense that you have natural talent that needs to be presented in the best light possible.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I sincerely agree with what you say here. You taught me a new word, orison. I would advise a rewrite paying close attention to verb tense.

A Poem, no matter what the subject, should flow smoothly. I recommend that you read your poem aloud, and have someone else read it aloud to you.

I realize that English is your second language.

Pay close attention to the flow and sequence of your ideas or points.

This one is not your best work. I couldn't agree with your points more.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Moarzjasac


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Canyons of Light  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You reached out and took me to your perch from which you watched your city come to life. You did really well. Reading this aloud in my tiny room it flows smoothly and sweetly like Tupelo honey from my tongue.
I love the structure and the visual painting you created with a few words.
Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Celtic Memories  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like this. I have no formal college level classes but I have always enjoyed classics. My Grandma had me reading "Two years before the mast, and "Far from the Madding Crowd" in eighth grade. Grandma was from Sweden originally her love of literature encompassed Ibsen to Johansen to Mary Ingalls Wilder. I was fortunate I appreciate her more as I grow older. I just turned 78-years-old.

I like the way this poem flows as it is spoken. I read it aloud to myself.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Eye of the Storm  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a great beginning. Where is the rest? Prequel or sequel doesn't matter. You can run either way from this wonderful story.
You have a gift of description. You use it wisely and well.I enjoyed this. You kind of grabbed my earlobe and dragged me into the middle of what is happening inside t!he house. IT happened fast but naturally. I had no thought of being elsewhere till the very end and then I didn't want to leave this story.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Overcoming Fears  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First I like your message. Second you kept to the meter of the form in which you wrote.

A small poem that packs a large message, is the kind I like most of all.

It is difficult for me to review such a short piece. I get IDA. Ida know what more I can say.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
HEY THERE!

I never set goals because my life is so undependable. I just sit down to write aqnd the phone starts ringing. It's never anyone that I want to talk to, you know trying to sell me something I neither want or need. Since we moved into this tiny apartment I have no room for junk, and I only need so much insurance! LOL

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Stolen heart  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
Hi, A warm welcome to WDC. It welcomes anyone even 78-year-old weirdo's like me. When I look around me I realize how much the world cha changed. Thinking before acting has gone out of style and the ones who notice most often are branded OLD FOGIES. Smile!

I really wish you had filled out your Bio. There is nothing to be bashful about. We have people on every continent from 8 (the youngest of whom i am aware to 80 something.

Now about your poem, It is filled with heartfelt emotion. You make your readers feel it too. (You have a wonderful start at bonding with your readers.) GOOD FOR YOU!

I recommend that authors read their stuff aloud to themselves then have someone else read it to you. Having eyes and ears working together gives you a shot at spotting bloopers.

Reading aloud helps the author find where to break lines etc. Imagine you have just gone up a few stairs. Breathing at that rate read. When you need to catch a breath good place for you to break, a line or end a stanza. This also is a great way to time your flow, of thoughts, feelings, or facts.😁

T would recommend a good rewrite. Look at it! lines of uneven size which indicates an author whose mind is moving faster than they can write.

This is what you wrote.


When I told him I love him (this is in simple past tense.
He just standing there and frozen (HE WAS) your story outran your fingers.
He didn't speak any words (He said nothing..When...)
When I told him I wanna be with him
Again,he(WAS?) just standing over(IN) the corner and stared (AT)me (without saying any words) this phrase is redundant
When I asked him,"what's wrong?"
He just stared me with his sad eyes
When (Then?) I doubted (the way I handled) myself (In) about this weird situation
(A voice told me He didn't love you)
I tried to get rid of it,the voice that told me,"he didn't love you"
He walked towards me slowly..
(With sad downcast eyes) You should get the rhythm and meaning.
Still,with his sad eyes..
And slowly grabbed my hands and kiss (kissed them gently)them with gentle
(I felt his tears drip on my hands)And I realized that his tears running down my hands
And he said, "I'm sorry, (BREAK THIS LINE)but my heart(has) already (been)stolen by someone (Who saved my life) special,she saved my life,so (Berak here) I can't give my heart to anyone"(else)

© Poembyselly
©Selly Agtus

Read it, Does it roll from your tongue leaving a sweet silky Trail behind it. SMOOTH is what poets strive for.

I suspect that English might be your second language. There were some slight problems with syntax. Your verb tenses and missing verb
and wrong choice of time passed, present, or future.

If You had filled out your Bio I could problebly hook you up with someone from your country wh would be more than willing to help you polish your english a little.

As I saod before, a poets job is to transmit feelings as well as ideas to your readers. You have done both. GOOD ON YOU!

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Open  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well worth the time to read. I would heartily recommend shortening the longer lines. You broke the visual symmetry of your piece.

I read aloud anything I write another sense at work helps me find the audio symmetry in the piece. I find that I can locate little rough spots when I do that. It makes the final product a lot better.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Moon Cathedral  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A well written tale, my young friend. You brought me every step of the way right with you. It was as if you had a handful of my shirt and tugged me along. BRAVO good job. I am glad that I happened onto this wonderful piece.

It takes a great vocabulary, a lot of imagination and a lot of skill to do something like this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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