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Public Reviews
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You captured the total Paralysis that occurs when encountering something that stimulates FEAR! Your wording was excellent. I do wonder about the shifting rhyme scheme.
It is totally permissible to rhyme and then not, but it might make for an easier read if you establish a certain consistency.


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Review of Borrowed Red  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You make strong, lasting images with very few words. We all reach the end in our own way. For some, the journey is abrupt, sudden, and unavoidable. Others have the time a transfusion will give, an extension, however brief.

Your piece is poignant and thought-provoking.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I see you have a firm hold on your boot straps and are doing a credible job of keeping yourself upright. Fake it till you make it! It takes courage to be as open as you are when you write.

I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not,

Are you pretending that you are not fine?
I know that you are not fine, but pretend that you are JUST FINE!

One way to make that crystal clear to your reader would be to add a period after pretending, then continue with I'm not...smiling etc.

Or you could change your key line to I'll be just fine pretending WHEN I'm not.

I know exactly what it is like to wear a smiley face mask when I was falling apart.

Keep writing. It helps, and perhaps others, like me, will identify.

Good job. My best to you. May you find the peace of mind you seek. Until then, keep smiling! It does help in the long run.


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Review of The Red Harvest  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,
Your story is based on an interesting premise. Set in 2045, the timeline might be a little tight, but this is Science Fiction. Anything you can imagine is possible in this format. Your choice of crops is probably not the most efficient or the best in terms of nutrition. If you are interested in this, a lot of information is available about plants high in protein, like "Duckweed." It is the fastest-growing source of plant protein ever identified.

Now, about the time, it is 2045. "A single buyer, a lunar mining magnate, had preordered $10,000 worth of food for a 2030 colony mission." You need to watch out for inconsistencies like this.

I like your story. It has the potential for expansion into a series.
It would take a lot of research and hard workto pull it off.

Good Luck to you! Write ON!

MO


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5
5
Review of Time to Go Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
In English as a second third or fourth language you did very well with this piece.
You paint striking pictures in very few words. Commendable!

There are a few places I could possibly offer suggestions for improvement if asked for.
Example


I wonder now, too tired to roam,Time to Go Home


Wonder is a cerebral excersize, Wander is grueling hard physical exercise.

I think wander fits better because of the physical nature of the words that follow it. Just an opinion, we all have those so take it for what it is: one of a myriad of possibilities.

Keep up the good work

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You've made me want to read more. How do you create stories like this? You haven't abandoned your gentleness turning softness into something brittle and cutting. The story has a depth that could get lost so easily, but you kept it, not letting it vanish or turn in the opposite direction from where it started. Your ability to touch part of my mind that I thought had lost forever is amazing.

Thank you for this uncorrupted story of a reality most people forget.

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You are improving a lot! One thing I keep seeing, though, is (i should be I) when referring to yourself. Keep up the great work, you are much easier to understand now than you were only a few days ago. Your thoughts are more coherent to your reader. I can tell how hard you are working.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your theme is excellent. Your presentation is very logical and touching.

I don't comprehend why faith changed from love based understanding to threats of eternal pain and the fires of hell. Fear as a basis for faith reminds me of an abused dog crouching in the corner to avoid its cruel master's boot.

My God doesn't threaten; He offers a banquet which we can accept or reject. If we reject it, it's by our own choice that we don't eat.

Long Ago when asked how I viewed Heaven and Hell. I saw heaven as a library offering the means to discover answers to all questions. And Hell, as being unable to go inside because I threw away the key in a tantrum because there would be work to get the answers I craved instantly.

Just my concept.

Reading your work makes me think. Thank You!


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are just my thoughts. There may be others in this audience who agree, and undoubtedly, there are those who would disagree. So I offer these thoughts; whether you choose to use or ignore them is up to you. I encourage you to become the best writer you can be, no matter what you choose. We all get to our destination by the road we are on.

Editing is an essential part of the writing experience. It gives us the opportunity to change a piece from something less than perfect to something nearer to perfect.
I believe that any piece can be improved. The lens through which we view things influences how we define perfection.

I'm thankful to get a peek through others' lenses, which will expose me to opportunities to learn. The lesson could be ("This isn't for me, not how I would try to reach a reader.") to (Hey, Thanks, this works!)

My hope is to at least understand what others see. I may or may not agree.

My friend Dora, the General Assistant, was a creature of comfort and adaptability

The opening of any piece is extremely important.

I am not sure if "My Friend" is the most important or if this is primarily an "introduction of Dora to me" the reader.

If the introduction of Dora is most important start with the word Dora and end with "my friend."

Dora, the General Assistant, a creature of comfort and adaptablity was my Friend

Do You see how the message is shifted by changing word order? A large change in emphasis with a small change in word order!

My best to you. I'm low on GPs.

MO


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Review of Aftermath  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good work! Great exercise for the visual cortex. You paint well with words, bringing visual shards together into a coherent bundle that pulls your reader into the scene you create. (one sense - vision) You missed a golden opportunity to intensify the experience of the wind and snowflakes. All you need to do is reorder a few words.

You said "With its stabbing snowflakes the wind shrieks."

You could change it toThe wind shrieks, stabbing with its snowflakes.

I grew up 80+ years ago in a place called Igloo, South Dakota. I am familiar with wind and the snow it pushes into every crevice under your coat. I sometimes thought of the wind as a monster I had to outwit every time I delivered papers in the winter.


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Review of The Silver Cane  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I've read this at least five times. While you have excellent command of "The King's English" there are places that really need clarification and improvement in the way you present this story.

I'm 84 years old and I am all too familiar with a lifetime of accumulated poor habits when I write.

Is it the ancient four-poster bed that keeps me from slumber or the knowledge that I will never see the reflection of my own face as I gaze long and hard into my mirror and attempt to clean those long, sharp teeth?

If you see no reflection in the mirror, how could you use that mirror to clean "those long sharp teeth"? The teeth would not be visible to you.

I understand what your intention was. But the way it is presented beyond my common sense. You need to find another way to let your reader know what you want to tell them.

The ending leaves holes that the reader must fill in. If you were to edit with the mindset that the purpose of this piece is to leave an indelible mark on the imagination of your reader, you will see that providing a little more information, or presenting the information in a little different order would prove beneficial to your goals of communicating this story.

I have found that EDITING everything I write, and asking for help when I paint myself into a corner is the quickest route to learning how to be the writer that I want to be.

At my age I still learn every day.

My best to you. I hope this review will help clarify the process you use to communicate your stories.

Keep writing, and don't be afraid to ask for help. You can help your reviewer if you fill out your BIO. This makes you a more complete entity in their mind, and expedites meaningful communication.


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Review of Never Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Content: !!YOU GOT IT!! Writing this and posting it here is a form of powerful sharing, more intimate and more apt to last longer in the minds of many, rather than just a few in a room in a church basement with the permanent odor of coffee, and in the past, Cigarettes. That was before the days of the Great Awakening of the dangers of Nicotine and Tobacco Tars.

Presentation: For the most part, this piece was excellent! But I'm 84 years old, and there are ways of saying things which are easier to read than some others.

Perhaps I'm not an AABB BBAA type of person (I miss the significance of that), but some groups of words sound better in different orders and have the added benefit of a clearer visual for your reader.

He missed the church basement with the towering steeple

The basement wouldn't have a steeple, but a church would.

It has more gut-level music to my ears to say "He missed the basement of the church with the towering steeple."

I dont know how the A's and B's work out, but it is a much clearer picture that will linger in your readers' minds.

Keep writing about the experience of getting your mind right and pass it on.

BRAVO!


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is fresh from the place in your mind where things hide until you have to share them to maintain some semblance of peace in your life. Isn't it wonderful to have a place like WDC to help when it is desperately needed?

You opened your heart in a place where no one will use it against you.

In 84 years, I've found no place better.

Now, in this safe place, you can take time to edit what you've shared and make sure it conveys exactly what you have in mind.

I encourage you to write. I find there is nothing better to clear my mind and
find the peace of mind I need so badly.

I want you to find peace of mind also.

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very uplifting piece of writing. It is told with a patient, calm voice.
The vocabulary is consistent with the intelligent thought that produced this advice, disguised as a story.

I commend your efforts; you produced a very worthwhile piece.

I found no errors in the presentation.

Keep writing, I, for one, needed this. Thank you.


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Review of The Fireplace  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Melody,

They call me MO, but I'm not fussy as long as no one calls me late for breakfast.

You have a powerful story, I'm glad everyone escaped the fire. I think you needed to tell this story. I'm glad WDC offers the place we can tell our stories. It helps me to ease my mind. My stories are sometimes about fictional people but I try to make a story convey a message from real life.

It is helpful for you to set goals for your writing. Are you attempting to share an experiance with your reader? Do you want them to remember you and your stories?

The best way to do that is to add depth, feelings, sights sounds and smells that your readers can identify with.

If you get the complete story clearly in your mind then when you write it you can share it. How did the events make you feel? What do you want your reader to feel?

This story deserves much more effort than you gave it.

I saw the 5-star rating and I think whoever gave it cheated you out of the opportunity to learn. 5 stars means the story can't be improved.

You can improve this one a whole lot. I am going to give you a three rating, Average. That may be a bit generous. There are many factors to consider.

Try writing the story exactly the way you would tell a friend. Then edit your story for presentation. Wording, complete scenes, make your reader feel like they are sitting with you when the fireplace sets the room on fire. Make them feel the urgency to escape.

Keep writing, I'm 84 years old and I've been here a long time when I started I had a really long way to go to become a compent writer. I still learn more everytime I post something.

You are over the first hurdle, you posted a short short story. That is the first step. Good luck with the rest. Keep trying.

WDC has many resources which cost you nothing but the desire to improve your writing. Do you want to improve your skills at story telling?

If you do


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Review of New Beginnings  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Fyn,

WOW! Finding this now was a real help. I really seem to find exactly what inspires me when one of your poems pops up when I need something to review. I value you.
More people need to change their idea of what ratings mean. I like the way you put things clearly in focus.

One tiny thing I might change in this poem is the close proximity of 'scratching' and 'scratch'. I think etch might replace scratch well. Just a thought.

Hope this finds you well and full of productive energy.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Winter storms make me really appreciate the warmth of companionship, hot coffee, and the quilt that my grandma made almost eighty years ago. I remember the feather bed that I loved so many years ago. Winter storms offer a chance to remember what really matters.

I like this.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Brings back good memories. I am 25 years older than you, and I remember kerosene lanterns and when the first thing I did was seek the warmth of the kitchen where Grandma would be fixing breakfast and heating water for washingt up and doing dishes. Thanks for jogging those memories.

MO


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Review of My Daffodils  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I applaud your efforts. This is a bright and cheerful piece with one exception.

Forboding: fearful apprehension; a feeling that something bad will happen:
"With a sense of foreboding, she read the note." Definition by Webster's online dictionary.

The word 'forboding' has a connotation you obviously did not want.

MO


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Review of Becoming Shepard  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
You did a really good job with this. The reader is thoroughly familiar with this man by the time they finish reading this short story.

His ears stuck out just enough that someone once joked he could hear trouble coming before it arrived. The nickname did not last. Respect replaced it too quickly.

What was the nickname? Watch dog? I really wish that you had made this story perfect by telling me that one little thing.

I hope this finds you well, happy, and fulfilled.

MO


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Neighbors (friends) like you are a rarity. You appreciate the depth of human emotions, memories, and needs attached to every piece of stuff that fills her home.
It would be a full-time job to sort, catalog, and preserve the objects and their associated stories. I commend your efforts and the love that motivates them.

God bless you.


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Review of Nature blinks  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is MO. I'm here to apply eighty-four years of experience to give you my personal opinion of your efforts. Of all these, the one I like best is"they never saw it coming." This is the only one I would give a five-star rating.

"A walk in the park," in my opinion, needs a little tweak.
I would change (in murky waters) to (on murky waters). The reason is that even murky waters reflect images. In here implies (Within) surrounded by murky water that can't contain the image in your mind.
That would make this one a four and a half stars, because it needs a letter changed. (My opinion, which you are free to use or refuse, because afterall it is your piece.)

The others are hard for me to rate above average, given that they come from you. See, you set a very high bar with "they never saw it coming."

Keep up the good work!


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Review of The conversation  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I believe I have an inkling of what is behind this piece. Quite simply, I think that you, like me, have a strong need for someone to understand what you write.
You feel as if you've laid bare every fibre of your being, and no one can comprehend what you have put before them.

In 84 years, my expectations have changed a lot. I realize that very few can step outside their own stuff far enough to see anyone else's.

Keep writing, for therapy, for art, and for the contact we all need with others.

I wish you peace and guidance in your quest. I always ask, did I write for myself?
Or did I write to communicate with others?

I listen carefully when others attempt to communicate.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Too bad it was a nightmare
the moment I opened my eyes.

These words ring loud and clear to anyone with the experience that you describe so poignantly.

The day you wrote this was my 84th birthday. My life has been nothing if not experience. It has opened my soul to a gentle understanding of others and a realization that I was not alone.

I wish there were an avenue to travel where my experience would be useful to others, helping them over those painful potholes that jar so hard. I used to feel thwarted when I failed to help when I tried.

Now I realize that life is a process we all learn by ourselves. We can learn from others only when the time is ripe for us to internalize a particular lesson. Too soon (ineffective), too late (Sorry you missed out).

The only thing I can do at any point is point out "others have been through this, and survived, wiser, but intact enough to enjoy the rest of the moments of their life." You can too!


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Review of Raising Monsters  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your message is very clear and visual, and it touches a chord that resonates deep within me. You have a profound insight into the human soul. The window you made me look through showed me things I hadn't spent any time thinking about in oh so long.

You have a gift, use it as often as possible, and share it with other old men who, like me, need to take a long look through the window you open.


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