|Hi, A warm welcome to WDC. It welcomes anyone even 78-year-old weirdo's like me. When I look around me I realize how much the world cha changed. Thinking before acting has gone out of style and the ones who notice most often are branded OLD FOGIES. Smile!
I really wish you had filled out your Bio. There is nothing to be bashful about. We have people on every continent from 8 (the youngest of whom i am aware to 80 something.
Now about your poem, It is filled with heartfelt emotion. You make your readers feel it too. (You have a wonderful start at bonding with your readers.) GOOD FOR YOU!
I recommend that authors read their stuff aloud to themselves then have someone else read it to you. Having eyes and ears working together gives you a shot at spotting bloopers.
Reading aloud helps the author find where to break lines etc. Imagine you have just gone up a few stairs. Breathing at that rate read. When you need to catch a breath good place for you to break, a line or end a stanza. This also is a great way to time your flow, of thoughts, feelings, or facts.😁
T would recommend a good rewrite. Look at it! lines of uneven size which indicates an author whose mind is moving faster than they can write.
This is what you wrote.
When I told him I love him (this is in simple past tense.
He just standing there and frozen (HE WAS) your story outran your fingers.
He didn't speak any words (He said nothing..When...)
When I told him I wanna be with him
Again,he(WAS?) just standing over(IN) the corner and stared (AT)me (without saying any words) this phrase is redundant
When I asked him,"what's wrong?"
He just stared me with his sad eyes
When (Then?) I doubted (the way I handled) myself (In) about this weird situation
(A voice told me He didn't love you)
I tried to get rid of it,the voice that told me,"he didn't love you"
He walked towards me slowly..
(With sad downcast eyes) You should get the rhythm and meaning.
Still,with his sad eyes..
And slowly grabbed my hands and kiss (kissed them gently)them with gentle
(I felt his tears drip on my hands)And I realized that his tears running down my hands
And he said, "I'm sorry, (BREAK THIS LINE)but my heart(has) already (been)stolen by someone (Who saved my life) special,she saved my life,so (Berak here) I can't give my heart to anyone"(else)
Read it, Does it roll from your tongue leaving a sweet silky Trail behind it. SMOOTH is what poets strive for.
I suspect that English might be your second language. There were some slight problems with syntax. Your verb tenses and missing verb
and wrong choice of time passed, present, or future.
If You had filled out your Bio I could problebly hook you up with someone from your country wh would be more than willing to help you polish your english a little.
As I saod before, a poets job is to transmit feelings as well as ideas to your readers. You have done both. GOOD ON YOU!