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Review of Transformative  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Almost the anniversary of this piece. Perhaps now is a good time to take another look at it. I truly feel this. Empathy? Experience? Born from my own life, and how you touched it! Thank you for your written look underneath the skin of your life.
We are all cousins of the lowly onion; we have layers of knowing, layers of understanding, and layers of our ability to communicate with each other at any given moment.

Our true purpose for writing anything is to share what is in our mind and in our heart.

"while surrounded by everything"
"that was changed by nothing"

I'm not sure exactly what you intended to communicate to me here.

It either isn't necessary, or something is missing that prevents me from fully grasping the impact of your thoughts as they are expressed in these specific words.

Keep writing! Sometimes it helps me to revisit a piece. Writing is like fine wine. It ages. Making changes now will let you recask this piece, letting it bloom
and mature into exactly what you intended.
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Review of A Lot At Stake  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very clear. Easy to understand. Clever plot.

I do wish I knew exactly what reading the essay told them. Perhaps that is not as important to other readers as it is to me.

I am eighty-four, so when I was young, the emphasis in school was much different from what it is now. That's too bad and also good in other ways. In almost 8 decades, language and its usage have changed! What was once commonly used has now turned into "Never do this." A, never say this word is now acceptable and used often.

Language has kept one fundamental characteristic: its communication! Verbal and written are different ends of the same stick, but each has accepted use, rules as it were.

What I say when talking is just not the same as what I write. I love writing; it gives me the freedom to change my emphasis. I like erasers. I've never written anything that couldn't be improved.

But I can't change anything I have spoken! Spoken words, no matter how much I'd like them to, won't go back into my mouth and disappear.

Just an old man's observation. Keep writing!
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Review of A Hell Of A Thing  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I always like your stuff. You need to take the time to check for typos before you post. This is good. Keep writing, but please read carefully before posting.
Getting in too big a hurry makes your work look sloppy.
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Review of Failing Forward  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have captured the feelings of a perfectionist who continues to fall short of their self-expectations. I can empathize all too well. Comparing oneself to others is self-defeating. At the end, you pull your readers back from the edge of the pit of self-judgment to a place of possibility, even hope! Well done.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Something I tell everyone when it is appropriate, is "Your bio can be very useful to a reviewer. Not all members have the same back ground. A good bio that grows with you serves to set a standard by which your work can be evaluated."

This grabbed my attention right off with a good strong opening. I would add one word to your opening sentence. ***moved through the (LAW) firm like a ghost.*** This helps your reader identify the surroundings more clearly.

Overall this is a very good piece. I'm a believer that any piece can be improved with careful editing. There are so many ways to say something, though every word can influence the overall effect of the message. Each change needs to be carefully evaluated for its effect on the story.

I really enjoyed reviewing this. A bio, while not required, is a helpful tool.
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Review of The Fox  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this story. It has Good bones but it could be so much more. I guess if I'm honest every story could be improved, all of mine included.

Eighty four years of life and more hours than I can count spent reading has gifted me with an eye and ear for what I like. Yes! that is completely subjective.

I hope to encourage you to try different things in your writing. Some you will want to keep and others will find the wastebasket.

The first sentence and the first paragraph are the most important in any story.
This is your first impression. I remember being told, "You can write weakly or strongly. Your word window to your story can range from clear to opaque." At the time I was a little miffed because that made very little sense to me. I was always in a hurry to put everything flying through my brain on paper.

After all this time it now makes sense to me. Writing is communication. My writing now must pass this test. Does it communicate clearly what is in my mind?
Is it strong or is it weak? Do I open a window of clarity or is the window I offer smudged, dirty or God forbid opaque?

This suggestion is only that a suggestion, only that. I cut and paste, change the sequense of words and sentences and sometimes whole paragraphs.

For your opening you wrote "Walking along the path in the park, as I had two thousand or more times in the past years, I was barely paying attention. I had seen every tree, every bush through buds, leaves, turning colors, going bare and starting over with new buds in spring. I practically knew the squirrels by name and all their grandchildren too, truth be told. I was lost in a funk."

I am lost in a funk! I've walked this path through the park, at least two thousand times. I'm not looking any more. I've seen every tree etc ...

If you trim and replace, use language of your own to tell your story, you will be amazed at the difference.

Very good luck.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

You captured my undivided attention. I tend to wonder when I read a piece. What would it be like if?

What if you had two intertwining stories, each told from a different perspective

His and Hers? Just the wacky way my mind works.

Your story is classy pulp fiction. I like how you present the story. Try to keep your story captivating.

Make it better! I know that you can!

Remember, in the end, every story can be improved. It is your story! So, tell it the best way you can.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
How did you get your data? I have to stick my finger for each point that I log. My insurance won't pay for a continuous monitor because I don't inject insulin. "Thank God!" but it took more discipline than what was comfortable. I spent many hours researching, and more dollars than I could really afford. I have a carefully planned regimen of herbs and spices I use and maintain a curve with the lowest sugar spikes.

A little information describing exactly what we are looking at would be helpful.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this piece. You took a picture, fleshed it out into a living, breathing piece. Great way of conveying your idea!

There are so many ways to accomplish this depth of communication. My feeling is that no piece, however long or short, is ever finished!

When I have time, I thoroughly enjoy cutting and pasting, patiently trying multiple ways of saying something. Your word usage can change so much.

The house could be many things. (1. An old woman who creaks in the wind), 2. (A Reagal Sentinel, marking the passage of time), 3. (an impermanent expression of its builder's vision.) on and on.

Try changing your opening.

FOR INSTANCE) The old house on the shore of St. George’s Island stood as it has for years, its shoulder into the wind. Slowly losing long curling flakes of paint to the harsh environment.

These are my words; yours will undoubtedly express your feelings and thoughts much better than mine could ever do. I'm only encouraging you to grow in your own direction.

No piece can ever be as good as it can ever be. Who will be the judge? Your honest readers can only express their thoughts, which might open avenues of improvement. You can utilize those comments or not. I don't think anyone here can help but improve everything they have ever written.

Sometimes my dilemma is knowing when to put something down.

Best of luck to you. KEEP WRITING!
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Review of $ & ₵  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Big smile. I remember having the same thoughts and writing them down as the poetry some sixty odd years ago. That obsession leaves little room to enjoy life, does it?

It's not limited to men. There are plenty of women who obsess over pennies up or down on their stock. Too much Short Term view.

It is my belief that long term is the only way to view anything. Short term production is subject to halts by eqipment failure and a host of rough spots that can be overcome with a wider view. Not this month's bottom line! Look at five or ten years out.

Hope the donation helps with your,(tacks)!
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I had a deep interest in this piece right from the beginning. This has the makings of a solid, saleable book. It's a long way from here to the paperback book rack.

The layout seems like a small thing, but this interesting piece almost lost me. It is somewhat difficult for my old eyes to flicker from side to side over abrupt position changes. You could make this easier to read by smoothing it out.

I like your story!

“That’s ’cause you keep forgettin’ you ain’t alone out here.”

He’s right. ### I've paid for my protection in the only currency I had ###
I’ve been running small errands for the Saints since I was ten — drop-offs, collections, messages.

***They said it was to look after me, to keep me safe, but I knew better.*** (you might like to lose this sentence till later on, it reads better to me without it)
Nothing the Saints do is for free.
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Review of THE WELCOME MAT  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Since this is a brand new post, I will assume that, despite your obvious writing expertise, you are open to making it more readable, understandable, and more entertaining. I have no expertise in what I do here. I lack technical expertise, but after spending eighty-four years reading, I have, of course, acquired certain
likes and dislikes in what I read.

I like your idea. But, as with all early drafts, it could use a bit of polish.

I feel your opening could be less repetitive. She she she. I might suggest compound sentences. A possibility of a quick look in the cupboard, the sight of the mac and cheese, and a stomach turning at the thought of more of the same.

Shirley Pilferson looked into the cupboard, seeing two boxes of Mac and Cheese and a lot of empty shelves. Her stomach turns at the thought. It's time she got some groceries, isn't it? She carefully wrote a shopping list and went to Bingman Foods.

I did not like SIX Mr Bingmans in the second paragraph. I hated him instantly, having his name thrust into my consciousness. I have a question. Should his name be so (in my face)?


I personally would have liked a little more description of Mr. Bingman. Tall, short, heavy set, thin, middle-aged, etc.

Make him more real, please!

I'd like to see this again after some thought and a careful edit. I was a little taken aback that the ending lacks clarity to me. I'm not sure just what
I was supposed to feel what conclusion I was supposed to draw?

You may be like me. I've not done much writing, etc, for several years. I know one look at my port will reveal the need for hundreds of hours of work. All it reveals now is neglect. I am hoping to remedy that a bit at a time.

Keep writing, editing, reviewing, and reading.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not the reviewer who quibbles over commas or punctuation! I figure that is the next stage, you know, the wax and polish cloth that comes out when the author has come to the point of being finished, at least for now.

This piece is too fresh for that. It has layers. It has humor, wit, and half wit (half and half as much again is never more than a . I laughed so hard at this magnificent play on words.

I'm 84 and your Twainish touch is worthy of Huckleberry Finn.

I hope the points help with the tacks.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is good. Experience Shared in a form that is easily understood
This is good. Experience is shared in an easily understood format, creating a necessary roadmap. Well done, Thanks for your gift.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I empathize with a lot of this piece. You allowed your readers to see into your soul. You are young with an older way of seeing and expressing what you saw. You are sitting on the threshold of your dream. It is as close as you allow yourself to see. Let it bloom in your mind, then make it happen. Do not let anyone dissuade you! If you do, you'll wind up almost 84 years old with a plethora of unfinished, unrealized dreams. I have one short thing to share. I was a puzzle piece that never fit anywhere. When I was 23, I met a girl at a Newman Club Dance. I had never experienced anything like what happened. I obtained permission from a friend who had come there with her.

We talked over an endless cup of coffee till the wee small hours. I told her my story, but she told me very little. I looked into her eyes and sank deeply inside. I started seeing pictures in my mind of long stone hallways. I heard girls singing. I felt an electric force field at that point. I had entered a well-protected space in her soul. It took a second piece of pie à la mode and a refill of coffee before I understood what I had seen. I asked her, "When did you leave the Convent"?

"Who told you"?

"You did", I said!

She got this strange look on her face and said nothing for a long while. I knew she was thinking. I could smell just a hint of ozone. I could gain no entry to her mind. "HOW? I felt you in my mind"!

I told her the truth. "I don't know, it just happens sometimes."

"At first I was afraid, but I know I can trust you, right"?

I really like your piece! You have a long, hard, but fulfilling road ahead of you.

I am too close to this to be objective. I'd like to know if you have ever had a similar experience?
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Review of Wise  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good for you! This is inspirational!

I could make one small suggestion. This is my opinion. It would be easier to read if you added the word "in"at the beginning of line 4.

If you want to see a lot of examples of communication failures just look at my portfolio. It is full of "less than"s. I'm 2 years North of 80 and there is not enough time to correct all the errors I made. So I review when I'm not making more errors.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Winning Goal  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SENIOR CENTER GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good stuff here. You packed a lot in a small package of words. Bravo!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Pond  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this several times. That made me feel good as memories from childhood flooded my mind. Your presentation was smooth and flawless. (one tiny thing) Where I grew up we called pill bugs, rollie pollies. I know that names for common things, insects, and even small animals change with location.

Having said that, I can offer nothing else which I would even consider changing.

You did well, thank you for making me remember times long gone by and putting a smile on my face.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
SMILE!

You have this way of putting so much into just a few words. I like your style.
I loved your reference to passing for a school bus if someone painted you yellow.

The problem with weight is it goes on so easily but comes off so hard, too bad that
there seems to be no simple way to reverse that.

Your presentation had a few spots that could be improved. Break your thoughts into
smaller bites that your readers can chew comfortably.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem a lot.

How can I suggest improvements to such a fine piece?

This is a tribute to someone that the Author understands and appreciates at a very deep level.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Keep feeling, it is only through feeling that we are able to write and touch others.

Keep it up!
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Review of Helen  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem. I might make only one change. The line beginning Mosquitoes kiss just seems wrong to me. I've never been kissed by a mosquito. Most of my encounters with the little beasties left me itching sore and irritated.
I've been bitten by them on four continents and have never felt kissed.

The glimpse of your childhood was pleasant, presented well, and stimulated my own visions of the past.

Well done. Keep writing.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
You touch on some very interesting history, Unfortunately, Your presentation seems a little flat. I have seen other things that you wrote that are lively, and captivate both imaginations and stimulate interest.

My recommendation is for you to rewrite this with an eye and ear toward passing the excitement of discovery to your readers. This is a noble effort, you should pursue it. It will reward you with a sense of accomplishment, asit should.

You need to just let your imagination fill in the voices of the pictures you look at.

My best to you Keep working on this piece. I look forward to seeing it in a more finished state.


Moarzjasac
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Review of Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Once upon a time I would have been in the front row as the indignation with which this piece inspires me in strong, but alas, My indignant days are long passed and left curbside for pickup when the masked collectors picked Friday morning promptly at 7:50 Am as usual.

I wondered if this piece might have been subconsciously inspired by the Great Greek philosophers who wrote about the Demise of the Island of Thera giving a certain Credibility to the legends of Atlantis.

I'm sure when the caldura vomited sixteen cubic miles of ejecta ehen it exploded.

I like this piece and then I found a missing then which you just corrected I use this word to describe : (it follows) Then. Some wise man declared that THIS EVENT WAS PUNISHMENT FOR ANGERING THE GODS>

I Can say this, It was the loudest sound ever heard on earth.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
The one suggestion that I have about the piece is there is an unnecessary break after picture where you look. It is distracting and interrupts the flow of this piece. Continuity both visual and in flow is the goal for which we all strive.

In places you have a tendency to be a bit wordy, having clusters of non productive words which obscure your message.

FOR INSTANCE:(Look, I do not want you to think that I am acting like) could be reduced to Please don't see me as an insane creature who responds with anger when ignored.

Hey Keep a handle on your heart when you lose it. Writing helps.

Moe


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Song of an Age  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, may I say I feel honored to be trusted to review this magnificent piece.

I like this most thought provoking little poem. You made each and every word count as one should. It flows well from start to finish.

This piece is small but it packs a strong message!

MOE
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