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126
126
Review of End Of The Line  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I hope you are enjoying your WDC experience. There is the widest variety of people that you can imagine here. We share a common passion; to improve what we write. We all learn from each other. At 72 I am still trying to improve every day. Hopefully reaching my goal won't happen too fast, as the journey is fun and a great way to pass my time.

I like this piece. It has good ideas. I am aware of your age so Even though there are things I would recommend to improve it they are not going to negatively impact my rating.

This is your poem and should remain so. I will not cram anything down your throat. I offer examples to inspire you to go make changes of your own.

The shorter a piece the more effect each word has. My personal choice when writing free verse is to write tightly. Each word should have the most impact possible. The flip side of that coin is to avoid redundancy and to be scrupulous about word choice.

Through the souls (this should be soles. souls denotes spirit)
of my naked feet
I would break here before I feel...this makes those two lines a little less welded together.

Breath turns to clay, I would recommend finding another word as clay doesn't fit well. Clay is not a liquid think of a heavy liquid like oil or mud.

I am sure that you could write this with more impact! Make your reader feel the train hitting. You don't want to portray such an end as peaceful. Believe me it is anything but. A whole lifetime is erased in a millisecond. WHAM then splattered brains and blood. It is not inviting as a release. You make it sound like stepping into a tub of warm water with a stomach full of sleeping pills. It just aint so...Joe!

I hope this helps you write more vividly especially about such a climactic event.

Mo


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127
127
Review of Chicken Dance  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC. We all come from different places, have different cultures, and different levels of education. Yet we share a common passion, to master the written word. We learn from and teach other on the bumpy road to success. At 72 I am still trying to improve every day. Hopefully reaching my goal won't happen too fast, as the journey is fun and a great way to pass my time.

I am also from Kentucky, and a cook, (Self educated) I collect recipies and try new things as I discover them. I spent 30 years in South Louisiana. This South Dakota boy learned som new tricks to please the palate.

I like this piece, you present your points in sequense. I like the style in which you write. It is difficult for me to find any room for improvement other than a little twak to the layout to keep your readers eye from wandering.

You held my attention skillfully and though I am not familiar with Metallica, but what ever works. I know a kitchen can be hot and almost over powering especially when multiple dishes require attention.

It has been fun to read this. I hope to read more of your work.

Best to you.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
128
128
Review of Flipped  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi,

In the interest of brevity, since I have reviewed you before, I'll get right to it. I hope my humble attempts will prove useful to you.

The shorter a piece is the more weight each syllable has in the whole piece.

A personal observation is (USE THEY AS INFREQUENTLY AS POSSIBLE) It is vague at best. If you can identify who the they is, it puts a name and face on what otherwise is as nebulous as a wisp of steam rising from a tea cup on a chilly morning.

You wrote: I know they have it wrong
When they start comparing you
to beautiful things in the world
Because the beauty of the world
doesn't compare to you
And that's how it had been
all along

I offer the following example for your inspiration only. Then go make your own improvements. It is your piece after all and should remain so.

It is wrong to compare you
To the beauty of the world
Which can never measure
Your uniqueness
It has always been that way.

Notice that I tightened up the wonderful start that you had. Less is more. Meanings are more powerful if you keep it simple to the point and avoid vague references to an undefineable THEY. They is something different to each reader.

Best to you my young friend. Hope this helps!

Mo


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129
129
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This p[iece touches a subject near and dear to my heart. I remember coming home to lines of sign carrying faceless people, shouting "Baby Killers" and spitting on my dress blues. That was worse than anything the "Enemy" threw my way. Coming home to a country that hated me for trying to protect it was a mind blowing experience. Thank you for writing this peice.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
130
130
Review of I'll Do Better  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is a good piece. I was really interesting until you lost me.

I remembered seeing my father in the mirror, as I sat crying over my vanity desk. I had just learned of my poor Justin's suicide. "Is that what you think? Damn it, Harve." **** WHO IS HER? ***I gripped her forehead, like trying to pinch something off of it with the tips of her fingers.

Is she MPD? You need to prepare your reader if that is the case.

"I'll bet this is how Dad felt, why he was so upset." Why he drove off that cliff, I almost said. Surely, an accident, an accident I caused by being too weak. I turned and stomped off to the kitchen, trying to hack through the counter again. This does not tie in well.

Think of the elements of your story. It is important to string them like pearls on a neclace on the thread of your story. You have some gaps.
What ever you do you don't want your reader saying HUH??? Give them enough background so they are not lost when you SHOCK them.

I hope this helps.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
131
131
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome. We come from the wide world, differing cultures, and very different educational back grounds. we do have something in common. We share the passion of wanting to become the best writer we can be. I am 72 work at it every day, and sincerely hope I don't reach my goal too soon. The journey and the company is just plain fun. We all have something which we can learn, and we all have something to teach others.

The stream of ideas, quotes from various characters follow smoothly like pearls on a string. I am pleased to see such quality work from one so young. It is clear, coherent,and funny. The only thing I would do differently is to identify who said. “No. Dancing with your great aunt Sybil.”

Really a fine piece.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
132
132
Review of My Baby  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome. We come from the wide world, differing cultures, and very different educational back grounds. awe do have something in common. We share the passion of wanting to become the best writer we can be. I am 72 work at it every day, and sincerely hope I don't reach my goal too soon. The journey and the company is just plain fun. We all have something which we can learn, and we all have something to teach.

I like this piece reminds me a lot of a Chevy 2, sectioned and lowered with a 301 V8 crammed into it. The most rewarding thing aside from polishing and tuning the induction and exhaust was wiping the smile off some rich kids faces when I hit the power curve and dusted them. Only thing though I got to be all too familiar with the sheriff. Lol I wound up selling her rather than go to jail. Thinking of those days puts a grin on my 72 year old face.


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133
133
Review of The Cleansing  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Touching and filled with keen observations that only experience could make so vivid. I like this piece very much.

We come from differing locations and diverse cultures here at wdc. We share a passion for writing and strive to make our efforts more effective. The really interesting thing about the wdc experience is even if we have much different educational levels we still learn from and teach each other. I am 72 and find new and different ways to improve every day.

Vivid Imagery. Some of the symbolic references could be a bit more smooth. I look for ideas which connect smoothly like a string of pearls.

These lines while poignant lack that smooth connection to the next idea. I realize I am a bit of a perfectionist.

It is an honor to review this splendid piece,

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
134
134
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
It is an honor to review such an extraordinarily fine example of exactly what rhyming poetry is meant to be. The message flows smoothly one idea into the next like a string of pearls.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
135
135
Review of Thunderstorm  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Selecting random review brought me to this wonderful poem. You adhered to your chosen format flawlessly. I can see the imagination, thought, and hard work which made this poem what it is. What makes poetry, no matter what the form, is its ability to communicate heart to heart.

What could be interpreted as just visuals, almost leaves the smell of ozone in the nostrils when it is read aloud.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
136
136
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi.
It is always an honor to welcome a new member to WDC. We area bunch of people from vastly different cultures, with homes scattered over the globe. Our educational levels cover the whole spectrum of possibilities. We share a common passion, we want to be the best we can be at the written communication of ideas. If we use it we have the rare and splendid opportunity of learning from and teaching each other. I am 72 and work daily to hone my skills to become a more effective writer. I hope someday to reach my destination. Not too soon though, as this journey is fulfilling and fun.

I like the fact that you told a lot of story in just a few words. The stream of images and ideas flow smoothly. I could find only one thing which needs to be corrected. Little slips like this one can easily be avoided by a bit of research to give you the facts. The internet gives you too much information to be very useful. A quick call to any Dr.'s office and asking which arm presents the pain of a heart attack, will fix your error. A heart attack "nearly always" presents on the left side of the chest and down the left arm following the path of nerves that follow the major artery in the arm closest to the heart. "You wrote "Lightning bolts of pain raced through his right arm and he cried out in anguish."

Thought you would want to correct that..

I suspect I'll be seeing more of your work here, I look forward to seeing what you will write!

Best to you my young friend,

Mo


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137
137
Review of Violin-Tempered  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi.
It is always an honor to welcome a new member to WDC. We area bunch of people from vastly different cultures, with homes scattered over the globe. Our educational levels cover the whole spectrum of possibilities. We share a common passion, we want to be the best we can be at the written communication of ideas. If we use it we have the rare and splendid opportunity of learning from and teaching each other. I am 72 and work daily to hone my skills to become a more effective writer. I hope someday to reach my destination. Not too soon though, as this journey is fulfilling and fun.

1. Poetry is meant to be read aloud, ear and eye working together catch the subtle nuances which might otherwise be missed. Have someone else read your work to you so you can reap the full benefit of the experience. [There are those who claim poetry predates the written word, I understand clearly their conclusion.]

2. Poetry is like wine. It can be sweet or sour but its taste remains on the lips.

3. The flow of phrase into phrase is most effective when it is smooth.

4. Like the language of poetry ideas should flow smoothly too.

5. Enjoy writing, practice every chance you get.

6. We all grow at our own rate, the important thing is to never be satisfied with where we are, keep on growing it is a rewarding experience.

I'm sure you probably know all these things but it makes an old man feel like he is contributing in some small way to the growth of all writers in WDC.

I felt that this poem could be made smoother and more symmetrical which would aid getting your message across. I urge you to change the order of your words, and try some different ones. Experiment and if you do not want to keep a change; there is always the delete button.

Your symbols are obscure, Meaningful to you no doubt but communicate confusion to your reader.

You have a decent start, it just needs TLC and a good edit. Read it with the viewpoint that you are a reader who has no idea what is in your mind. It is your job as poet to show your reader just what is in your mind. You started a rhyme scheme and dropped it. Rule of thumb is rhyme all of it or none of it. Switching further confuses your reader. From a readers viewpoint I would say this piece lacks clarity.

We all have to start somewhere and you have a leg up on a lot of beginners. Use your imagination and show your readers what is in your mind.

I hope this has been of some small benefit to you. I look forward to seeing more from you and improvement as you go.

Best to you my young friend
Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
138
138
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
HI.
Welcome to wdc, We area bunch of people from vastly different cultures, with homes scattered over the globe. Our educational levels cover the whole spectrum of possibilities. We share a common passion, we want to be the best we can be at the written communication of ideas. If we use it we have the rare and splendid opportunity of learning from and teaching each other. I am 72 and work daily to hone my skills to become a more effective writer. I hope someday to reach my destination. Not too soon though, as this journey is fulfilling and fun.

I am a bit of a perfectionist, I see things from a different viewpoint than many others, but I will show an example of tight writing which is in my definition using words to maximum benefit. I do not claim my way is better, only different and designed to encourage you to experiment with words, word order and phraseology.

You wrote:" I don't get why people don't change They have their own mindset even then why do they hurt people, politicians, why do they cheat people."

it is too general and is about you instead of the reader. It is not the kind of thing you want to use as your opening. Your first sentence is your first and probably your only opportunity to grab your readers attention. In a short piece like this you do not get another. You used the word they three times in this sentence. They is vague at best, but in this sentence refers to two and maybe three different groups. It is always best to put a name or a face in your readers mind, instead of leaving them to wander down whatever side track their own connotation of "they" takes them on.

A more effective opening might be "Why don't people change? We blunder along prisoners of our mindset oblivious to the fact that people are being hurt by rather than represented by those we elect. We allow them to lie and cheat their way to riches from the public coffers."
THERE ARE UNDOUBTEDLY BETTER WAYS TO OPEN using your own style and language.

Plan your piece. Write down statements that you want to use to best show your point to your reader. Those statements need to be worded as strongly and coherently as you possibly can. They are your ammunition in the battle for your readers mind.

Present your ideas like beads on o string, link them together so they are easy to follow and will carry your reader to the next idea in the direction that you want them to go..

Say what you mean,mean what you say. Make clear who, what, and why you make a statement. Your reader needs to see what you see.

This whole presentation is difficult to read... You might think about TIGHT WRITING, that is to conserve words while maximizing the impact of the message carried.. There is a saying "Less is more" meaning you need to leave as few places as possible for your reader to get sidetracked from where you want them.


I hope this will set you on a path of experiments, remember if you do not like a change it is easy to push DELETE.

We begin at different places, but we grow as fast as we are willing to work. Write every day even one idea on a scrap of paper.

Read the idea and make it strong enough to carry your message.

Now know that some things will bomb. That is when you go back and write the piece again for as many times as it takes to be the best that it can be.

I sincerely hope my long winded ways will be of some help to you

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
139
139
Review of The Sandy Shore  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi

Very vivid imagery, I can feel the salty breeze and the early morning sun on my skin. I like your lyrical phraseology. I read poems aloud. There are those who claim spoken poetry predated written language. I can easily put one of my early ancestors into this scene. So much happens at the water's edge. I sensed a couple places with which you struggled a bit. Changing word order to preserve meaning also can very effectively change the lyrical qualities of a piece. Then there is always a whole directory of synonyms which open even more doors.

I am a 72 year old who struggles daily to become the writer I want to be. I'm learning not to hurry, this journey is much too interesting and fulfilling to allow to end too soon.

Watch toward the rising or setting sun, just at the last instant before it dips into the saline sea old salts tell tales of the green flash and songs of the residents in the deep blue before your eyes.

Your old friend

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
140
140
Review of LIFE GOES ON  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Rose.
HI.
Welcome to wdc, We area bunch of people fron vastly different cultures, with homes scattered over the globe. Our educational levels cover the whole spectrum of possibilities. We share a common passion, we want to be the best we can be at written communication of ideas. If we use it we have the rare and splendid opportunity of learning from and teaching each other. I am 72 and work daily to hone my skills to become a more effective writer. I hope someday to reach my destination. Not too soon though, as this journey is fulfilling and fun.

I am impressed to see what you have written. It displays common sense and deep feelings. I can not fault your thought process, your ideas or your conclusions.

I am a bit of a perfectionist, I see things from a different viewpoint than many others, but I will show an example of tight writing which is in my definition using words to maximum benefit. I do not claim my way is better, only different and designed to encourage you to experiment with words, word order and phraseology.

1. Poetry is meant to be read aloud, ear and eye working together catch the subtle nuances which might otherwise be missed. Have someone else read your work to you so you can reap the full benefit of the experience. [There are those who claim poetry predates the written word, I understand clearly their conclusion.]

2. Poetry is like wine. It can be sweet or sour but it remains on the lips.

3. The flow of phrase into phrase is most effective when it is smooth.

4. Like the language of poetry ideas should flow smoothly too.

5. Enjoy writing, practice every chance you get.

6. We all grow at our own rate, the important thing is to never be satisfied with where we are, keep on growing it is a rewarding experience.

I'm sure you probably know all these things but it makes an old man feel like he is contributing in some small way to the growth of all writers in WDC.

I am not putting down what you wrote, I'm offering a different slant as an example to get you started from your own different direction.

I am going to assume that you wanted to submit this to a contest thus the line numbers.

Your whole presentation is difficult to read...lines of vastly different length, You might think about TIGHT WRITING, that is to conserve words while maximizing the message they carry. There is a saying "Less is more" meaning you need to leave as few places as possible for your reader to get sidetracked from where you want them.


I hope this will set you on a path of experiments, remember if you do not like a change it is easy to push DELETE.

I sincerely hope my long winded ways will be of some help to you

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
141
141
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
HI.
Welcome to wdc, We area bunch of people fron vastly different cultures, with homes scattered over the globe. Our educational levels cover the whole spectrum of possibilities. We share a common passion, we want to be the best we can be at written communication of ideas. If we use it we have the rare and splendid opportunity of learning from and teaching each other. I am 72 and work daily to hone my skills to become a more effective writer. I hope someday to reach my destination. Not too soon though, as this journey is fulfilling and fun.

I am impressed to see what you have written. It displays common sense and a deep unfinished search for the definition of truth. I can not fault your thought process, your ideas or your conclusions.

I am a bit of a perfectionist, I see things from a different viewpoint than many others, but I will show an example of tight writing which is in my definition using words to maximum benefit. I do not claim my way is better, only different and designed to encourage you to experiment with words, word order and phraseology.

YOU WROTE:

All that happens
Always happened
News are old stories
Shaped in various forms

I might write:

Nothing new ever happens
The news is the same old stories
packaged In shiny new wrappers
Designed to obfuscate the truth

I hope this will set you on a path of experiments, remember if you do not like a change it is easy to push DELETE.

I sincerely hope my long winded ways will be of some help to you

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
142
142
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Welcome to WDC. We come from all over with different ideas from different cultures and different levels of education; but we all share a passion to become the best writers we can be.

I am 72, and I work every day to hone my skills at writing. We have a unique opportunity to learn from, and to teach each other.

1. Poetry is meant to be read aloud, ear and eye working together catch the subtle nuances which might otherwise be missed. Have someone else read your work to you so you can reap the full benefit of the experience. [There are those who claim poetry predates the written word, I understand clearly their conclusion.]

2. Poetry is like wine. It can be sweet or sour but it remains on the lips.

3. The flow of phrase into phrase is most effective when it is smooth.

4. Like the language of poetry ideas should flow smoothly too.

5. Enjoy writing, practice every chance you get.

6. We all grow at our own rate, the important thing is to never be satisfied with where we are, keep on growing it is a rewarding experience.

I'm sure you probably know all these things but it makes an old man feel like he is contributing in some small way to the growth of all writers in WDC.

I am not putting down what you wrote, Im offering a different slant as example to get you started from your own different direction.

Your love is like a good,
A really good cup of coffee.
That lingers in my mind as the taste lingers on my lips.
When it starts to fade I ask you please will you fill my cup.
I am not readg to get up.

[Your love lingers like gourmet coffee}
[Both in my mind and on my lips]
[When the taste begins to fade]
[Fill me my love to the brim}

Neither of these openings is right or wrong. The whole idea is write what conveys your message best.

Good writing my young friend

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
143
143
Review of Our Retrievers  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi
I like this piece even if it is a bit brief for my taste, Even in a 100 word format you have a little room for description. ie. First line [who or what are Missy and her granddaughter? Identifying them helps grab your reader. My Retrievers .. etc uses two words and starts the reader in the right direction. One thing to bear in mind is the shorter a piece is the more weight every syllable carries.

I am 72, and perhaps a bit opinionated. One thing I can't stress enough is enjoy your writing. Practice every chance that you get. We all keep growing at the rate we are willing to work at.

Good luck and great writing my young friend.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
144
144
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am 72, and I would it is refreshing to see a young mind express itself clearly and deliver a message of such depth. This piece reflects the deep thoughts and learning experiences that lead to its creation. I offer a non specific observations in general that I have experienced writing.

1. Poetry is meant to be read aloud, ear and eye working together catch the subtle nuances which might otherwise be missed. Have someone else read your work to you so you can reap the full benefit of the experience. [There are those who claim poetry predates the written word, I understand clearly their conclusion.]

2. Poetry is like wine. It can be sweet or sour but it remains on the lips.

3. The flow of phrase into phrase is most effective when it is smooth.

4. Like the language of poetry ideas should flow smoothly too.

5. Enjoy writing, practice every chance you get.

6. We all grow at our own rate, the important thing is to never be satisfied with where we are, keep on growing it is a rewarding experience.

I'm sure you probably know all these things but it makes an old man feel like he is contributing in some small way to the growth of all writers in WDC.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
145
145
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
HI
I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to exchange ideas and views with people from such diverse cultures and levels of education.

I find it interesting that we all persue the same goal; that is to improve the way we write. T am 72 and find that I still am in the process of learning to become the best writer that I can be.

I am in agreement with most of your premiss and I realize a review is NOT the place to attempt to refute anything. In my humble opinion a review is a place to point out room for improvements. This poem has a few very tiny thing which could be more clear. This example was hard for me to understand at first but after a couple more readings I understood what you said.

"Figuring out what I know I can" (first time through my mind went ???) I realized the third time through that you were describing a process of identifying what you know. I suspect one talented as you definitely are, might find another way to word this profound statement.

This is not a condemnation it is a challenge to make this piece even better than it stands now. Just my opinion for what it might be worth.

Feel free to use the delete button if you wish.

I felt that the 500 gps were offered in an attempt to getting an honest opinion even from an old man like me. I hope this is worth something to you. If you don't think so, I will gladly refund your gps.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
146
146
Review of Clairvoyance  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC.
We are all ages and have different backgrounds both culturally and educationally but we have one thing in common, we want to be the best writer that we can be. We all start from where we are and that encompasses a wide spectrum.

I'm 72 years old, and keep hoping I can make it where I want to be.

After reading your piece the one bit of advice I have for you is USE YOUR IMAGINATION. Your job as author is to make us (your readers) see, smell, taste, and feel exactly what you want us to. Take us along with you, leave our heart thumping our lungs crying for breath.

You have good start but make a couple glaring errors early on. It slides down hill from there.

Please understand we all make mistakes I hope this review will give you a starting place to begin a serious edit and make this piece everything the subject deserves.

Choose your words wisely for definition and maximum impact! Be very careful about selecting the proper word to do the job you want.
Try to avoid things like this" strident is an adjective, you have used it as a noun. Most readers will catch that something is wrong. Avoid over driving your vocabulary make sure that you understand both definition and part of speech of each word you use.Check your dictionary and stay out of trouble.

Try to avoid unnecessary and distracting comparisons ie. It’s almost like the ground at the bottom of a rainforest, except in this city the tall office buildings resemble the trees that tower over the lush and green abundance in the humid, tropical forest.

There isn't much green in the concrete canyons of New York.

Your opening paragraph is the place where you grab your reader's attention. As much in a rush as readers are in today if you do not hook them chances are they will put it down and read something else.

You have a loose handle on the emotions felt but you could give them more impact.

It has been a pleasure to help in a small way to get you on the road to becoming the great writer I know you wish to be.

The average rating I give this can be improved a lot with a little work. This piece isw worth the effort to make it better.

We all start somewhere and we all have room to improve.

I hope I am around to watch your path to success. My best to you on your journey.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
147
147
Review of Dawn Prayers  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this piece both for the sound, and content. I especially appreciate the graphic quality you have captured in just a handful of words.

Beloved,
your verses are fires consuming ego’s chador,

The subtle inference here actually is (in my opinion) one of the most powerful parts of this little gem.

MO


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
148
148
Review of Some Hair  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi
I am a 72 year old man so my perspective on such efforts will likely be somewhat different than most. I would call this piece a bit of slightly twisted humor. Hey if we can't laugh about the idiosyncrasies of our own biology what can we laugh at?

"a tedious task and uncomfortable as hell; [I would break this here and let it connect to ..has to be..}. something drastic
has to be done."

In my opinion a humorous piece has a right to be a bit irreverent and graphic. No fault there as to being uncomfortable subject matter.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
149
149
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey Barry Newbie. Welcome to WDC.
We are all ages and have different backgrounds both culturally and educationally but we have one thing in common, we want to be the best writer that we can be.

I'm 72 years old, and keep hoping I can make it where I want to be.

After reading your piece the one bit of advice I have for you is USE YOUR IMAGINATION. Your job as author is to make us (your readers) see, smell, taste, and feel exactly what you want us to. Take us along with you, leave our heart thumping our lungs crying for breath.

Choose your words wisely for definition and maximum impact!

Your opening paragraph is the place where you grab your reader's attention. As much in a rush as readers are in today if you do not hook them chances are they will put it down and read something else.

You wrote: "The leaves were thick in the oaken (should be oak) (oaken applies to buckets and barrels)forest, the earth thick and loamy under the running feet of Henry Williams. He was lost and frightened. Not exactly frightened of being lost, though that did play into his emotions but more frightened of what was in the woods with him. He hadn’t actually seen anything but rather felt it. Felt it hunting him and trying to snuff him out, waiting for him to come into its view."


What is wrong with your opening? I offer this alternative not as replacement but to get you thinking differently about how you choose to tell a story.

Henry Williams ran thorough the oak forest as fast as he could. His shoes scuffed the thick loamy soil stirring up a cloud of the scent of decomposing leaves. Lost and frightened with the knowledge that something was stalking him pushed him to his limits.His lungs screamed for air and his heart thumped in his chest. He had not seen it, but he was sure it was hunting him watching for just the right moment to strike!

Use your senses, let your imagination soar and carry you and your readers to the scariest limits of your mind.

I did not start out to write so much, but hey I think you are worth my efforts.

Do not be afraid to experiment, try new words and different word order. If it works you hooked a reader, if not use the delete button and try again. You will be amazed what you can do!

Be not afraid of this rating. We all begin somewhere and you will grow as fast as you are willing to work.

My best to you my friend.
MO


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
150
150
Review of Family Stitches  
Review by Moarzjasac
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really like this piece. You have touched the heart of a legacy so absent in our "rush rush buy at Walmart" culture who does not even realize the love that guided the needle in the capable hands of an artist that uses love as their primary ingrediant in a practical work of art.

Mo


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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