Thank you Jimminycritic

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Thank you Jimminycritic

Thank you Jimminycritic

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My sig compliments of Hannah ♫♥♫

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My sig compliments of Hannah ♫♥♫

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~QPdoll

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My sig compliments of Hannah ♫♥♫

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Hicarlton607 . This is a review for "Annie"  from the " The Rockin' Review Academy "  and I'd like to offer the following comments.

PLEASE NOTE: These are only my opinions and suggestions.

Overall Impression:
I absolutely love thunderstorms so this story peaked my interest. Even though I love storms I could still relate to Annie's (and her dog's) fear.

You have a lot of ideas going on all at once but I think it has potential.

Suggestions:
You reference an event that happened in the past. It might move to story along if you describe the "it" event.

I can see where you describe the character Annie. For example, Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small. It could read easier if you worded it something like this: Annie was frail but she was not that old. She had blond hair and a petite body. The sentence, But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. could be removed as you've already made reference to a stormy and dark night in the first paragraph.

She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side. I don't think the word giggle works well within this atmosphere of fear. Although some people do giggle when they're are scared. Perhaps the sentence would read smoother if you removed it. Let's see. She remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and sullenly turned onto her side.

Annie groaned at the pain she felt and tried to clutch her heart but her hands didn't move. We can't "clutch" our hearts but we can place our hand over our hearts. In this case she's too scared to move her hands at all. I see how you paint the picture of how afraid she is.

You reference Annie's eyes a couple of time in the story but you describe them differently. In one sentence you describe them as sea blue but in another you describe them as sky blue. Pick one color and stick with it.

We typically don't start sentences with "And", but that could be the old school in me. The sentence And then she gathered up all her strength to pull the blankets over her. could possibly read like this: Eventually she gathered up all her strength to pulled the blankets over her.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Always re-read your story to hunt out any misspellings. For example the sentence, Her breathes came in deep gasps. The word breathes is spelled breaths with no "e".

Final Thoughts:
I like the thunderstorm theme. I think this will be a great story once you work out the sentence structures and misspellings.

I see a lot of potential with your story and I think you're doing a wonderful job. Keep practicing and most importantly, keep writing!

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Hi ktaylor750 . This is a review from "Speak Now" !

I have the following comments to offer but remember, these are my opinions and suggestions only.

Overall Impression: Your characters seemed real and believable as did your settings. I knew this would be a story about a wedding and love but I didn't think things would transpire the way they did. I thought it was extremely dramatic. I found myself wondering, at the end, if his response with the gun would be an issue later in life. I'm left wondering how she would have taken it - that he had the gun out at all. It made me sad.

I'm also not clear on why dad would have closed the door when he let the cat out if he saw the male character walking toward his house.

It also was a little weird that the characters didn't have names.

What I Like: What I liked most is that he was finally able to confess his love for her. But sad that her getting married is what pushed him to find his confidence.

What I Least Liked: What I like least is that he contemplated suicide at all.

Suggestions: I would like to have read a description of the wedding dress, veil and flowers rather than reading that they were perfect. Why were they perfect?

There's one sentence that could possibly be re-worded: There were dances that she had no shortage of invitations from other boys to attend.
Maybe like this: There were no shortage of invitations to attend dances from other boys.

That he wanted very much to ask her was a secret that he always kept from her. I wonder if it, too, could be rearranged something like this: The fact that he wanted very much to ask her was a secret he always kept from her.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: He wanted just once, to have the nerve to do SOMETHING! You don't have to capitalize words to give them emphasis. The exclamation point will do that.

NOOOOOOOOOO! again is an area where you don't have to capitalize for emphasis. Just let the exclamation point work for it. No! will suffice.

Thank you for putting your story out there for review.

I like your story and was glad that it had a happy ending!

Happy Writing!


~QPdoll

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