. This is a review for "Annie
from the " The Rockin' Review Academy
and I'd like to offer the following comments.
PLEASE NOTE: These are only my opinions and suggestions
I absolutely love thunderstorms so this story peaked my interest. Even though I love storms I could still relate to Annie's (and her dog's) fear.
You have a lot of ideas going on all at once but I think it has potential.
You reference an event that happened in the past. It might move to story along if you describe the "it" event.
I can see where you describe the character Annie. For example, Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small.
It could read easier if you worded it something like this: Annie was frail but she was not that old. She had blond hair and a petite body.
The sentence, But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm.
could be removed as you've already made reference to a stormy and dark night in the first paragraph.
She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side.
I don't think the word giggle
works well within this atmosphere of fear. Although some people do giggle when they're are scared. Perhaps the sentence would read smoother if you removed it. Let's see. She remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and sullenly turned onto her side.
Annie groaned at the pain she felt and tried to clutch her heart but her hands didn't move.
We can't "clutch" our hearts but we can place our hand over our hearts. In this case she's too scared to move her hands at all. I see how you paint the picture of how afraid she is.
You reference Annie's eyes a couple of time in the story but you describe them differently. In one sentence you describe them as sea blue
but in another you describe them as sky blue
. Pick one color and stick with it.
We typically don't start sentences with "And", but that could be the old school in me. The sentence And then she gathered up all her strength to pull the blankets over her.
could possibly read like this: Eventually she gathered up all her strength to pulled the blankets over her.
Always re-read your story to hunt out any misspellings. For example the sentence, Her breathes came in deep gasps.
The word breathes
is spelled breaths
with no "e".
I like the thunderstorm theme. I think this will be a great story once you work out the sentence structures and misspellings.
I see a lot of potential with your story and I think you're doing a wonderful job. Keep practicing and most importantly, keep writing