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26
26
Review of Shackled  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, 🌕 HuntersMoon !

I am reviewing for I Write 2019 and have just read "Shackled" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


First Impression
This is definitely dark. I felt sad for this person, which is what I hope is the emotion you wanted the reader to feel.


What I like
I love rhyming poetry and this had a great flow.


Mechanics
With the rhyming theme, it was pleasant to the ear. Although I know that when poetry was first written it was for oral reading so rhyming didn't play a part.

Voice
One thing I noticed is that there were two voices but one was silent and spoke only with "it's will."

Tone
We can hear by the tone that he despised what he was being made to do.

Mood
This mood, for me, was deep and dark and sad and scary.


Imagery
The images described were crisp and clear. I could picture the chains and the blade.


Summary
I enjoyed this poem albeit it's dark nature. It is a fantastic dark Quatrain. Excellent job.


Thank you Jimminycritic

Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]

27
27
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Detective

I'm reviewing this piece for I Write 2019. I didn't review the correct writing. I apologize.

Please know that the following are simply my thoughts and opinions. Only you can decide what's best for your story. Take what you can use and forget the rest.

I have read "A Call from Beyond"  and would like to share my thoughts.

I found your story
Very appealing. I could see myself watching this play out on tv. I thought it was really creepy but I wanted to know what was going to happen during the storm. It definitely made me want to read more.


Overall Impression
I rather liked your writing. I know you were only able to use 500 words or less and I think you created a fabulous scene. Unfortunately, I don't think it was a story. But to be honest I can't write a story in 500 words or less using only dialogue. I've tried, but have not been so successful.


My Favorite Part
That would be this: “The gun isn’t the only thing I kept in my safe. Be careful, Margret.“ I wouldn't want to get into the safe but at the same time, I would! I'd have to know what's in the safe.


Suggestions
I think you've done an incredible job with the word limit and the fact that it all had to be in dialogue. I have no suggestions for improvement.

Good luck in the contest.

Keep Writing!

~QPdoll
28
28
for entry "Thread of Dreams" 
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Tinker !

I am reviewing for I Write 2019.

PLEASE REMEMBER: THESE ARE ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS.


First Impression
I think this is a lovely poem, bringing out the quietness of poetry and dreams.

What I like
Poetry strokes the silken threads of dreams, Poetry almost always seems soft and whispery. This one is gentle and peaceful.


Mood
For me, the mood is quiet at first, then it blasts off with Writing vibrant words to stain the brain, kaleidoscopic guise

Imagery
I picture a woman in a silky nightgown slumbering, then waking to write down words floating around her head.


Summary
I really like this poem. It was very relaxing for me. You've done a fine job.

Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.


Sig created by [Link To Item #2021449]

29
29
Review of Week 2- Cold  
Review by QPdoll
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, trailerpark bodhisattva .

I think you covered the emotional amplifier, cold, excellently. I got the cold sense in the first sentence. It took me forever to get my story out. You did a great job. The best part was when they decided to order online instead of in-person. *Ha*

The stuttering definitely amplified the emotion and made it apparent in the scene.

Again, great job!
30
30
Review by QPdoll
Rated: E | (4.5)

Please know that the following are simply my thoughts and opinions. Only you can decide what's best for your story. Take what you can use and forget the rest.

Hello, Tinker .

I have read "The Night the Bears Roamed"  and would like to share my thoughts.

I'm reviewing this for I Write 2019.


Overall Impression
I liked the idea that Dad was outside protecting the rest of them inside the cabin. It is hard when you become homesick. Everything is a big deal. It's hard to move past that feeling.


My Favorite Part
My favorite part was Mom inside comforting the children in a much different way than Dad was. Together I would have felt comfortable myself. Psalm 23 is always a great reminder of who is in control.


Final Thoughts
This is a beautiful poem. I really like the message it carries. Good luck in the contest.


Keep Writing!

~QPdoll
31
31
Review by QPdoll
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a delightful poem. I don't review poetry but I wanted to share with you the calmness I felt while reading it. You're right, He does fulfill all my needs. I just don't necessarily take the time to stop and reflect on everything He's provided to me.

I enjoyed the rhyming scheme, that's my favorite kind of poem. I find myself trying to make my words rhyme after reading a lot of it. Goofy, I know.

I think you did a great job. Good luck in the contest.

Have a Happy New Year!

~QPdoll
32
32
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with Under Construction: MHWA  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this! It definitely made me want to read the book. I want to know how Ravenworth Academy changed his life. I don't know why I think the character is male, but that's what it feels like to me.

I noticed one thing that I want to point out to you: But watching my uncle's carry my parents' caskets into the ground was the day I made my insides close up, suffocating me.
 I believe it would be my uncles because it's not possessive. Nothing belonged to the uncles.

Reading this made me angry at the way the character was treated. I really wanted to read about how the character overcame all of it.

You did a great job!
33
33
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jay O'Toole !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Depression: The Warm & Fuzzy Blanket" . I would like to share my thoughts and opinions. Please take what's helpful and throw out the rest.


I decided to go through all of my favorite authors and do a review of something from their port. That's how I found your piece.


My Favorite Part
My favorite part was when Dad had a conversation with his daughter. When you're in a deep depression even speaking is so difficult. It's relieving when you can have a meaningful conversation with someone.


How did this piece make you feel?
It made me feel sad but I completely understood, especially about having papers and dishes piled up. I get easily overwhelmed myself, like your character.


Did it remind you of something?
It somewhat reminds me of myself. The only difference is that I don't get the manic highs.


Setting
I think if there was more description of the inside of the house where Dad resided it would bring us closer to the character. However, I liked how you described seeing dad in a fetal position under the stairs. It was clear in my mind.


Plot
We read that Lovely loses her mother in a car accident, but we don't feel her emotions. She doesn't understand how she survived, but we don't get an inside look into her.


Character(s)
We don't get a lot of description of either Lovely or her dad. Something like, "I looked into his blue-green eyes and asked ... " would bring us just a little step closer to being in the situation with them.


Suggestions
*Buttonv* I have learned in numerous teachings that a character's thoughts should be depicted in italics rather than in quotation marks. Quotation marks are used to designate speech or dialogue. The character's thoughts are shown in quotation marks throughout this writing.

*Buttonv* Lovely found her dad in fetal position under the stairwell at the back of the house for the umpteenth time. I think you meant to add an "a" or "the" in front of fetal position.

*Buttonv* Let your words and punctuation show screaming or excitement rather than using capital letters.

*Buttonv* Ellipses contain three periods. There's conflicting information about whether or not there should be a space before and after them. Personally, I use spaces.

*Buttonv* In this statement, "The stigma of being very different and at times barely functional in a world, that values productivity above all else, is not something, I'm sure, that Dad would ever choose to experience,” she thought, loudly, wondering how Dad might respond. You state that "she thought loudly." I'm wondering if you meant that she thought out loud?


Final Thoughts/Comments
I have suffered with depression for nearly twenty years, so the title piqued my interest. I wondered how often I've hidden behind such a blanket myself.

I feel like you held back with this story. I somehow think that there's more you wanted to write about, or possibly you couldn't find the words to say what you wanted?

I think you did a good job with not only your writing but also with teaching about depression.

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!







New Signature made by A.E. Wilcox
34
34
Review of Flight 657  
Review by QPdoll
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Angus.
Because you've reviewed my works I wanted to return the favor. So, I took a look through your port and found this story "Flight 657" .

*Check2* Overall Impression:
Oh my gosh! This totally reminds me of all those darn Tarzan shows where the natives would capture people and strap them to two trees, then let the trees rip. I hated those shows! They really warped me.

*Check2* Flow:
I think the story flowed well. I didn't get confused or stumble anywhere.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:
I was able to picture the plane wreckage, their trek through the jungle and the scene with her being hailed. I kept thinking they would run into a snake but no, they ran into something much worse.

*Check2* Characters:
Eddie and Mandy. They seemed real to me. Eddie took on a great responsibility by becoming Mandy's protector.

*Check2* Dialogue:
The dialogue flowed superbly. I was able to follow their conversations perfectly. It was as if I were standing right there with them. I didn't like that because of the fear I felt for them! I don't ever want to explore a jungle. *Ha*

*Check2* Emotional Content:{/b
I've already pointed out my fear of snakes and jungles, but to survive an airplane crash would be scary as well. Given the option of not surviving the plane crash or waiting around in a jungle, I think I'd take the not surviving choice! Yes, it would be that scary for me.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:
I only found one area I thought you might want to know about:

He sat down beside Mandy, and for next twenty minutes neither one of them said anything.
I think you left out "the" between for and next.

*Check2* Closing thoughts:
I always enjoy your stories even if they scare me sometimes. You're very talented and I wish you the best.


Thank you for sharing your work.
~Elizabeth


Color Butterfly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review of Andy  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Joe DeLucia !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Reviewers Group and have just read "Andy" . I would like to share my thoughts.

PLEASE REMEMBER: These are only my thoughts and opinions.

I found your piece under Read and Review.


What I Like:

This was a story that made me feel happy and sad at the same time. It depicts a number of families' situations in such a hard life. I did have to look up what "wop" meant, though. Goes to show how much I know about that day and age.

I like the title of the story as well, as it is Andy's story.

I liked that the story was easy to read. I didn't stumble over anything. The only thing I disliked about it was the story itself, but not because it wasn't well written, rather it made me really sad for Andy.


My Favorite Part:
The story made me smile but only after knowing that he was successful


Setting:
This story took place at the Labor Hall and at both of Andy's residences. I was able to picture all of them clearly.


Plot:
Andy seemed real to me and this story could be a truthful recount of someone's real life. I was able to follow Andy's travels and successes as we walked through his life of different jobs that he did to make ends meet and feed, house, and clothe his family.


Suggestions:
I've learned that certain words, used as verbs or helping verbs, makes passive voice. "Was" is one of those words and I found that word used a number of times.

One small example is:

Andy stood proudly, chin up, chest out. There was a large sign hanging directly over his head.

This could be written like this:

Andy stood proudly, chin up, chest out. A large sign hung directly over his head.


Final Thoughts/Comments
I really enjoyed reading this. It was a bittersweet story and I think you did a fine job. It really depicted, in my opinion, the day and life of a migrant worker in that day and age.

Keep writing and learning. You've done a wonderful job.




New Signature made by A.E. Wilcox
36
36
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, BigOosh .

I'm QPdoll . I ran across your story when I looked up short stories. I'm part of the Paper Doll Gang's Rockin' Reviewer's Group. I know it's a work in progress but wanted to give you a review, just for advice and encouragement. Please take what you want and throw out anything else.


Personal Impression/Opinion
I enjoyed reading your story. I know it's not finished but it's off to a great start. I'm interested in learning more about Tan and what she discovers about her father.


Effectiveness of Tone and Mood
The tone of the piece was casual but serious. You could tell Tan had some things to work out and was struggling with a bit. You used the perfect sentence length to set the tone of the story. Long, flowing sentences showed me that it was a relaxed atmosphere, albeit sad.

The mood of the story had me feeling bad for Tan and her loss.


Emotional Reaction
I felt sad for Tan but hopeful that she was going to discover something very unique about her father.

I didn't lose interest in the story and read to the very end without any hiccups or stumbling.

However, I didn't feel the pain she must have been feeling. It felt more matter-of-fact than emotional. But maybe that was your intent.


Plot and Conflict
You opened with a small irritation of Tan's hair blowing into her face. You showed that well. I wanted to know why she was at the beach.

As the story progressed we learned why Tan was at the beach and about the problem Tan was struggling with. The story was realistic and the character was believable.

Tan struggled with the death of her father and you weaved a really nice story. I know it's not finished but I really wanted to see what happened next.


Imagery / Sensory Description
Tan is at the beach and there's so much going on around her. The wind is wildly blowing, the ocean rushes the beach, and salt is in the air. What does the sand feel like on her feet? Is she barefoot or sneakered?

You did a good job with describing the wild wind always had at the beach. I think you could use more sensory description. Sensory, meaning what does the character smell, hear, taste, touch, and see.

Do what you can to remove as many "was, had, were, that" words as possible. Those words are passive and disengages the reader. For example, Tann looked at the photo and while she knew the mermaid had to be fake, she couldn’t tell.

Another way to say this is Tann looked at the photo and while she knew the mermaid must be fake, she couldn’t tell.


Even though this isn't a finished piece, I enjoyed reading it. You've done a fine job. With just a bit more practice around active vs. passive voice, I think you'll have a great story. {I'm still learning about active and passive voice, too.)

Thank you for sharing.

Happy Writing!

~QPdoll
37
37
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Denine !

I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang's Rockin' Reviewer's Group and have just read "WHAT AM I?- Nephilim's Fall Chapter One" . I would like to share my thoughts.

Please remember that these are only my thoughts and opinions.


Plot
I was able to follow the story. With this being just the first chapter a lot of questions arise but can't be answered yet. However, we do get a glimpse of why Kyle doesn't like Josh. I wondered if Jennifer is truly as nice as she's portrayed or if she has some ulterior motives for being nice to Kyle.

Kyle DeNine is a lonely seventeen-year-old high schooler with an alcoholic father. Josh Walker is Kyle's nemesis. Kyle is the kid with little and Josh is the kid with plenty. Due to Kyle's tardiness, he had to decide between detention and working with the school's Drama Club. This is where he officially met Jennifer. Later the two are paired up to write a paper. Ultimately Kyle meets a deadly situation due to Josh's jealousy.

Hopefully, we'll learn more about each of them throughout the story.

Characterization

The only description I recall of Josh is that he is an athlete, attractive, and very well liked.

We get a description of Jennifer, blonde and beautiful.

We also get a description of Kyle, dark brown hair and eyes with boring round glasses and acne.

I could picture the characters with Jennifer and Josh being much more confident than Kyle. We see Kyle's home life and learn a little bit about his family.

Here are a couple of sites to check out more about characterization:
https://literarydevices.net/characterization/
http://udleditions.cast.org/craft_elm_characteriza...


Grammatical/Spelling/Punctuation

"As I'm sure you all know-" She said, clicking a button so that a picture of a few pills and powders appeared on the white board. The "S" in she (which is a dialogue tag) does not need to be capitalized since it's part of the whole sentence.

D!? There should only be one punctuation mark at the end of the sentence. Your reader will understand the excitement in the statement.

Read through the chapter again and look for double punctuation marks, formatting paragraphs, and capitalizations of dialogue tags.


Flow of the Chapter

The chapter flowed okay. I think the chapter will flow much better when it gets formatted and the punctuation is corrected.


Dialogue

The dialogue was good. However, I think you have opportunities to make it better.

Here's some information about writing dialogue which has really helped me in my writing: https://www.thebalance.com/punctuating-dialogue-pr...


Setting

Most of the story took place at school. I think you could pull in the reader a little more by adding descriptions. We saw the Jaguar when Kyle pulled into the school parking lot, but what does the outside of the school look like? What kind of desks are there inside the classroom? Did the library have a smell to it?

One thing I've learned is to write using the five senses: sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste. I still find it difficult to remember to include these things in my writing. *Pthb*


Suggestions

The rain fell steadily, drenching the plants and trees. My suggestion to remove the adverb here is: The steady rain drenched the plants and trees.

Check this out to read more about the adverb and why we should avoid them: https://www.writingforward.com/writing-tips/writin...

I got out and heaved my backpack with me. Maybe say something like: heaved my backpack onto my shoulder.

Additional Suggestions ▼


I love the ending to this chapter. It definitely makes the reader want to turn the page and start the next one. I would anticipate that Kyle will be expected to do things he doesn't want to do. I kept thinking to myself that he should get more details before signing anything.

I've rated this chapter with 3.5 stars. I will enjoy reading it. The item is somewhat original and creative in the theme, plot, and layout. Most of the item is clear and concise in its wording, meaning or plot. But the item, in my opinion, doesn't flow consistently and smoothly.

This is a good story. I think with some fine-tooth editing you'll be on the right track to creating a good novel, novella, etc.

I hope this is the kind of feedback you were looking for. If you have any questions, please let me know. I'm happy to review again and/or review any future chapters. Thank you for the awesome opportunity to read your writing. I enjoyed it.

Happy writing!


New Signature made by A.E. Wilcox
38
38
Review of Capture The Flag  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Author Ed Anderson

This is a House Stark review of "Capture The Flag"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: Was Malik the commander? I don't recall seeing this name until the end of the story. Good for Southerland to show that he could accomplish the task even against the will of his commander. He did it!

*Crown* Plot/Story: It was kind of tough for Southerland to prove himself to everyone, and to himself, that he would accomplish the task. Everything seemed to fall into place for Southerland, except when he got shot, of course.

*Crown* Characterization: I didn't get a real good sense of Southerland. He was definitely unafraid to take on the challenge and did very well at thinking strategically. A physical description might have helped me to bring the character more to life.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that Southerland won the "game" without anybody's help.

*Crown* Suggestion(s):
Blackness threatened to overtake him but he pushed through and finally made it to doorway. Just forgot "the" here.

*Crown* Parting Comments: This was creative and interesting. I really enjoyed it. Great job!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Coming Home  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, 🌕 HuntersMoon

This is a House Stark review of "Coming Home"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: Waaahhhh! That's the first thing I wanted to do, wail. How sad was this story? But, the next thing was the feeling of being a little miffed that he was too little, too late.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story opens up at a funeral. Perfect hook! The whole funeral elapsed through the story. With the rifle fire and other noises and smells, I did feel like I was there. However, the story did move along pretty fast.

*Crown* Characterization: We see Lisa, pregnant as she sits on the bench. I kind of felt like I was in a daze right along with her. I could understand her pain and anger of losing Jack. We get a small glimpse of Jack as he made himself known to Lisa after the funeral. He kept his promise after all.

*Crown* What I Liked: This was a sad story and I can't say I liked anything about it, except the writing of course!

*Crown* Parting Comments: You did such a fine job with this story. Even though it was sad and I didn't like that he was gone, it was well done.


Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of The Shell  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Vincent Coffin

This is a House Stark review of "The Shell"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: "Thank God for MilSpec, huh?" What is Milspec was my first thought after reading the story. *Ha*

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story started right in the middle of the action, which was a nice hook. The story held my attention throughout because I wanted to know what would happened next. The story was full of action.

*Crown* Characterization: The lieutenant had a great personality, which would be rare in combat, I would think. His comrades did a great job of patching him up and getting him back on his feet. I think there was a missed opportunity for the reader to learn a little more about him, though. When he discovered that his rucksack had been ripped apart would have been a great opportunity to talk about what he might have lost that was in the rucksack. The would give some insight as to the type of person he was.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked how you started off strong and continued the momentum throughout the story.

*Crown* Suggestion(s):
"Let's try that again, LT, I ... This should be spelled out, not abbreviated because it doesn't include a name. If you were to say Lieutenant Miller then it would be capitalized.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I really enjoyed this story. Keep writing!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Little Jamey  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, JACE

This is a House Stark review of "Little Jamey"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: Aw, dangit. Another sad story. But it was kind of a happy ending. At least she knew that her son was okay.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was easy to follow except for the beginning. I just didn't quite understand the (choke), (cough), and (sigh deeply). Those seem more like telling to me. Again, you write so fluidly, after the beginning I read everything with no problems. However, I didn't feel pulled into the story.

*Crown* Characterization: I pictured Donna as a middle-aged woman who missed her son and husband tremendously. Unfortunately, she blamed herself for her son's death. We, the reader, get a good look at her and her future husband while in high school, but I didn't feel very close to her like I knew her.

*Crown* What I liked: I liked that Jamey was able to say goodbye. I hope it helped Donna to move on from blaming herself.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I hope to never be in this kind of position, ever. Although something seemed off compared to your other writings, I did enjoy this story.


Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of The Refuge  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, JACE

This is a House Stark Battle review of "The Refuge"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: She finally found true love, after all those years.

*Crown* Plot/Story: I was able to follow the story pretty well. I felt her pain and suffering, especially when she was a little girl. I did get confused at one point as to whether they were in Missouri or Minnesota.

*Crown* Characterization: We learned a lot about her and why she thought and felt the way she did. The only thing we didn't learn about her was her name. We also learned about Ricky and how awesome he was. Who wouldn't want to have a person like him in their lives?

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that she eventually found her true love again, even though it was in death. She had suffered so through her whole life, it was time she was truly happy.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I've been taught that when you want to emphasize words in your writing they should be in italics as opposed to being bolded.

This was a sad story, but it was interesting. I'm not sure I enjoyed it as much as I have your other stories. However, the writing was great.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Captured  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, JACE

This is a House Stark review of "Captured"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: Oh! I was so glad that Chelsea was found! What hell Mr. McCann had been through.

*Crown* Plot/Story: This story is well-written and portrayed the situations with just the right amount of suspense. This man had lost his wife and now his daughter. You showed the anger and frustration he was going through with the bathroom scene.

*Crown* Characterization: I missed reading about physical descriptions. However, we get a sense of how sweet Chelsea was and how Mr. McCann blamed himself. I got a sense of how Mr. McCann hurt. His actions showed that well.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that the film obviously led the FBI to the abductor. I liked that the story read so fluidly.

"I'll only be a moment, honey.".... Personally if it were me, I would remove the dots and stick with the period.

*Crown* Parting Comments: You've done a great job with this story. It had me on edge until the very end when it was confirmed that he did indeed have his daughter back. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Little Ships  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, JACE

This is a House Stark review of "Little Ships"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: Oh what pain Henri endured for the rest of his life. I felt like crying while reading and afterward as well.

*Crown* Plot/Story: You really pulled at the heartstrings for me. The story read beautifully. I truly felt like I was with Henri throughout the story.

*Crown* Characterization: I was able to picture the four Englishmen who helped Henri and even the shed with the bunker. Physical descriptions were not needed. Henri's personality came out vividly. I was surprised to learn that he was only nine years old. When the story began I was expecting someone older.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked how smoothly the story read. There were no places where I stumbled or had to reread. I usually don't like war stories and actually thought about moving to a different story, but I wanted to know what the miracle of Dunkirk was.

*Crown* Parting Comments: Much to my astonishment, I enjoyed the sad story. Although I don't know many war stories that aren't.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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Review of Hiccup!  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, shaara

This is a House Stark review of "Invalid Item"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: This was too funny. I think this cure would work for me as well if I had the hiccups!

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was so easy to follow and I didn't stumble on anything. The first paragraph did make me want to know what happened. I knew, from the picture, that it would have something to do with snakes. Even though it was a short story you had all of the elements of a story, introduction, rising action, climax, falling action, and conclusion.

*Crown* Characterization: I could feel how much he loved his wife. Great job with that description. I could picture both of them, her a little petite and he, a big, strong man. It was obvious what motivated him to go to the pet store.

*Crown* What I Liked: We can move furniture into fifteen contortions without a flinch, but one tear from our woman turns us into a jellyfish. I loved this sentence because it totally described his love for her.

*Crown* Parting Comments: This story is so sweet and funny. Although I, like your character, am not fond of snakes, it did do the trick. No more hiccups.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


46
46
Review of Rick's Repose  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

This is a House Stark review of {item:} for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: What an awfully sad story. But I can empathize with people when they're in the kind of situation Rick was in. I hope to never be in that position.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The events were easy to follow and I found no misspellings or grammar errors. It was definitely a somber story all around with his illness and his son's obvious dismissal. I kind of understand about his smoking. I quit smoking almost nineteen years ago and I've always thought that if I reach the age of eighty I'd take it up again. Ha!

*Crown* Characterization: We did get a sense of the character's personality and the way he thought about his situation. It's too bad he chose the path he did.

*Crown* What I Liked: I can't say I liked the story, per say, but I did enjoy how well the story read. It was easy to read with no stumbling over the words.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I was sorry to read the ending of the story. I guess we all do have a little too much control over whether or not we live or die.

Keep on writing. You've done a great job with this story!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


47
47
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, SandraLynn Team Florent!

This is a House Stark review of "Medical Treatment Is A Pain In The..."  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: And we let these people run the hospital! What has happened to common sense?

*Crown* Plot/Story: I work in a hospital and am actually angry that you had to go through this. Well, I'm assuming it's a true story. Even if it's just a made up story it hits pretty darn close to home. I can see the humor and idiocy in the story. You did a nice job of weaving the events together. The story was easy to follow with no stumbling over the words.

*Crown* Characterization: It was good how you introduced the physical characteristics of Dorothy. We understand that she is an older woman with a severely swollen ankle.

There wasn't a description of the doctor but we did get a glimpse into his personality. He was oblivious to the obvious. *Laugh* *Rolling*

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked how you brought the reader right into the story. I felt like I was there watching Dorothy trying to make her way to the radiology department on a sprained ankle.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I sure hope this was a made up story but somehow I suspect it was not. *I shake my head.* Sometimes things like this are so dang unbelievable. It's amazing that people get well when they go into a hospital!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


48
48
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Craig Henders

This is a House Stark review of "The train to... (for The Writer's Cramp)"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: I wish more people could find the beauty in their own neck of the woods. It's fabulous that you were able to find that in Michigan. I've never been there but I've heard that it's really pretty.

*Crown* Plot/Story: I think the story was easy to follow and I only stumbled in a few places. You make some great points about what people see and what they truly see.

*Crown* Characterization: We don't really get a physical description of him, but we get a good idea of his personality. He's kind of fed up with the everyday bump and grind. He's ready to spread out for just a bit and fall into some nature.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that he was able to see beauty in what many people saw as the death of a great city. You have a way with words.

*Crown* Suggestion(s):
Sure, these concept ... "youth", all theses cars are simply fast toys that waste fuel. Oops, just an extra "s" here.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I think you're right. The office could do just fine without you for a couple of days!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


49
49
Review of The Old Bookstore  
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Graham Douglas

This is a House Stark review of "The Old Bookstore"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: Clever. Very clever. Definitely food for thought.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was easy to follow and the underlying message was also noted. It was actually kind of exciting to think about shopping around in a used book store. It was kind of a lesson to teach us that sometimes what we're looking for is right in front of our face.

*Crown* Characterization: The carefree owner was awesome. He was a patient man and eager to teach. At least that's what I thought of him. I pictured him as an elderly gentleman. I saw the other gentleman, not as an extremely young man, but maybe someone in his late forties or early fifties. Someone who's looking for some meaning in his life.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked the location of the story. It's the one place we can always find answers and new places to visit, right?

*Crown* Parting Comments: I really liked this short story. It made me think about how we shouldn't live in the past for we have a full future ahead of us. Thank you for sharing. Happy Writing!



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


50
50
Review by QPdoll
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie Kay

This is a House Stark review of "Buster the Benevolent Boxer"  for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown* First thoughts: I love Buster! I don't know if this is a true story or not, but I suspect that it could be. What a life saver he was.

*Crown* Plot/Story: The story was fun and exciting and full of drama. I felt like I was with Buster watching Paddy as she played through the den to the tree. I have two cats so I completely understand the way they play with toys, especially the kinds of things they make to be toys.

*Crown* Characterization: Buster and Paddy were the typical dog and cat, I think. I always wonder what they would be saying if I could hear them talk. I think you did a fantastic job with their characters.

*Crown* What I Liked: I liked that everyone got out of the fire okay. Even though Paddy started the fire, I like her, too. She's just as much a part of the family.

*Crown* Parting Comments: I especially enjoy your writing. It's easy to follow and reads so smoothly. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.



Lady QPdoll, House Stark

** Image ID #2126848 Unavailable **


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