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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/frabjous
Review Requests: ON
230 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Circus Camp  
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (5.0)
You take us there with all its color and excitement. You show rather than 'tell'. Ah, some fine poetry here. Just lovely! I will read more of you and learn to write better, true poetry! Jacqueline Casey
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Review of Dreyfuss  
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (5.0)
A charming story. A few grammatical errors but who cares? Content more important than style or grammar, anyway. I like how you used the quote in your story and how it fell, naturally, into place. And, the repetition of it at the end of the story worked great! Your story had a ring of truth to it. We all fall in love with our pets and the memories remain with us for most of our lives. Dog have more to do with 'civilizing man' than any other pet. Just my opinion. They teach us how to love, passionately, with no strings attached.
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Review by Casey
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am not one to 'critique' free verse as I do not know how to write it. All I can say is I like your particular poem as it relates to the photo of the ancient building. What I like most is your reference to the primitive "al khallool" instrument made from sugar cane with its voice and implications for the Prophet David. And then I "hear" Cohen's 'Hallelujah" and how he 'saw her bathing on the roof', etc. Then, suddenly, you have taken me back a few centuries and I like where you are going with this. Good work!
4
4
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well, first , I think your title is all wrong. The writer of this poem is certainly not 'apathetic'; far from it! Actually the writer of this poem is churning with frustration even though they say they have no 'energy' to go on. All writers feel what you express in your poem at one time or another. You want feedback for whatever you are writing and yet, no one seems to have the time or desire to help. I'll admit I do not want to spend my time responding to wordy short stories. They totally bore me! I am only interested in poetry and spend my time with that genre. I respond to very few poems. It takes too much time away from my writing, though I know I learn something more every time I TAKE THAT TIME to review someone else.

As for finding the help you need or I need? All I can say is your DESIRE to write must overwhelm all other problems. If you are ignored, forget it and keep writing. You must Dig for it! If you need answers as to form, dig for it on the internet. Seek and ye shall find. Seek the best poets, study them; read them and try to copy their form for awhile. Do the copying long enough and you will begin to find your own wings. You won't need the great ones anymore. Read and study the work of others as much as you write! You should be 50/50. Writing is a solitary world yet that is exactly what you need to be able to write. You don't need interruptions. You WANT solitude!
You say you are Asian. Well I am Irish. I don't think writing talent belongs to any particular race or gender. So, you say you want feedback. Ok. Here it is. Turn your poem into what is call blank verse. Blank verse is daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM for each line. I will give you the first line: "I'm SHRI viled UP inSIDE just LIKE a PRUNE". Finish up your poem and email back to me. You will have learned all about blank verse by then. All the best Casey
5
5
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (3.5)
I appreciate the thought you have put into what I would call a 'mini-essay'. There is a lot of truth in what you say. Your title good because it 'caught' my attention forcing me to go there to read. I have a few suggestions for the actual writing. First sentence good, invites me to read on. Second sentence needs to be cut with period at 'discomfort'. Begin new sentence at "People" (this is a long sentence, but works even tho it is a tad too long). Next sentence should read: "The point is don't trust or be dependent on others so easily."
Your last sentence good: just needs to be cleaned up a little, so the reader doesn't stumble through. For example; "Remember: only parents are there when all others may leave you. When you're in trouble, only parents will be there."

I think you have the promise of a great essayist, so keep writing!
6
6
Review of The Marker  
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love your poem, "The Marker". It just needs a little more work, in my opinion. I would change the verbs to active instead of passive and get rid of as many determiners (like a, an, the) as possible. You create here a foggy, little ghostly scene that is memorable and I like fact that even the trees are weeping and I like the scene where we do not learn until later that the person talking in the poem is the ghostly, beautiful, young girl.

So, "Rusty hinges screech their protest
as I push open heavy gate."
"I watch the wavy wisps of fog" and
get rid of that " 'oer': (too poetic) instead: "dance over mossy ground" (get rid of the determiner, "the")
"and mid the gloom of silver moon" (you want to get away from 'by the light of the silvery moon' cliche, right?). This is a ghost poem so use as many gloom/moons as you can find. "I see the lonely, little mound" (see; not "saw") Use active verbs when you can. Verb tense, involves the reader in the "now" of the poem! You capture reader attention this way.

"So heavy IS the air of gloom,
my footsteps MAKE no sound. (great line, good work!).
With anxious heart, I MAKE my way
And know the answer is not found.
I hear them chatting:
"Her ship did founder on the sea
and when at last she's found,
she's buried there beneath that tree." (again, when you can get rid of 'poetic' 'oer' or 'neath' do it!)
It's true, the stories that they tell.
The marker bears her name
of one, young beauty lost at sea:
my only claim to fame.

I really like the 'mood' you have created here. All the best in your writing. Jackie Casey
7
7
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is a Third piece of fiction entitled "There's Nothing You Can Teach Me...", #2126263.

My FIRST REACTION to the on-going conversation between 2 young teenagers on a school bus on their way home was that I was interested in what each had to say and noticed the differing attitudes between the two. It held my attention and the conversation had a natural, believable flow to it.

The SUBJECT of this short piece: how two young men from totally different backgrounds could form a friendship over their common interest in music. You did not put me to sleep. The story moved along with a beginning, a middle and an end!

The TONE or MOOD? Matter-of-fact.

FAVORITE part: when the one boy asks if the other wants to continue their conversation about music after they are off the school bus.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: None. I thought this was VERY well written!


Thanks for sharing your short story with me. Write on!


8
8
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the the second piece I found, flash fiction entitled: "Hindsight and all that..." #2126207

My FIRST REACTION to your short fictional piece is with friends like you we need no enemies, huh? I suppose the practical joke would be a good one if you had not hired a crook to pull it off! Is this a believable story? My intuition tells me you were desperate for a plot so this happening occurred not in real life, but only in your imagination.

Still, it is rather imaginative and slightly funny, I guess depending upon what part you are playing in the action. Flash fiction is tough to write! You must have a quickie, twist ending for it to work, right? So, I think you succeeded here.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Wry humor. Not much sympathy for your victim!

Final thoughts: I am suspicious of the ending. Could it happen in real life?
Well, if a 'friend' did this to me, I would want hold him responsible for loss of the ring, not that that would help matters at all.



Thanks for sharing your flash fiction! Write on!


9
9
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the Third poem I found entitled "Mia, You Bitch", #2130120. Reading it for the first, time, I think it would make a great prose poem.

My FIRST REACTION : Here is depiction of a strong love/hate relationship. One of those can't live with or without you matters where you feel a bit trapped.

The SUBJECT of your poem is an emotional display about feelings for something or someone you cannot control, or you feel you were tricked into becoming attracted to and manipulated into such relationship.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Anger and frustration;resentment and awe-inspiring at the same time.

SUGGESTION for this emotional piece? I would write, rather than strung out in a 'list' or series of lines with all those "I's"; I would write it as one strong paragraph and call it a prose poem. For example:

Until we met, I never knew such loss. My soul entrapped inside a golden cage.
Mia, my love, both completion and failure were the benefit of being yours. We met when I was much too young to know but old enough to feel your soul touch mine. I failed to recognize that harm to me and saw you as the sun and moon and stars. My love complete, with every kiss; caress, you stole my thoughts until
my heart entrapped from sunup 'til sundown. My body always tested but the limits of my body never broke.
With Joan of Arc denial I stayed true. My life was for your purpose; all else denied. And so my God became my Mia, too. My mantra with a purpose only you. Reshaped my life in order to be true. And thus, denied, denied, denied all else for you. "There's always a tomorrow" was my cry, though you and I knew better, did we not? Yet, time for us, was only in the Now.
I sacrificed and boarded up my heart. The lies, like tinted windows in my soul, still colored with emotions uncontrolled. Your love's became a cross I cannot bear. In truth, you are my saddest moment's share yet also greatest.


Thanks for sharing your poem and letting me experiment with it. Write on!


10
10
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the Third poem I found entitled "The Town of a Thousand Dreams",#2112707. I am assuming the speaker has grown up in this little town and has a lot of affection for it and good memories.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is you are all over the place with a description. It is so many things to you that you can hardly contain yourself in describing it and your thoughts jump from one idea to another so quickly that the reader becomes confused.

The SUBJECT of your poem: What is it? Pick out the most important things about your town and why you love it so. Does this little town have a name? I know it is small, quaint and a very comfortable place for you. WHY? Why is it so comfortable? Why is it such a great place to dream. In one place in your poem you state it is a "town of a thousand dreams". In another place you say "it is a town of a thousand broken dreams!" What do you mean when you say "your town has a mind of its own"? Your poem has left me with too many questions. Perhaps you just need to 'tighten' up your theme some more.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say upbeat.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I would suggest you edit this poem by about 50% and decide why your town is a "Town of a Thousand Dreams. You might consider writing this as a "prose" poem.

Thanks for sharing your poem with me. Write on!


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Review of Spring Song  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, 51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the second poem I found entitled "Spring Song" #2132025. I like your title.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is you are following 5 different prompt words:
Take flight, shadows, crystallize, Phoenix and elements.

The SUBJECT of your poem, Spring was a good choice to go with the prompt words.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? is one of wonderment and a looking forward to the beginning of Spring.

Best line in the your poem: "take flight into the night"

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I would work on turning this poem into iambic pentameter so it would flow together from line to line:

(Listen to the beat in the iambic pentameter:) daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM

So, using your words, I would write the following:

Take FLIGHT inTO the WILDness OF the NIGHT
her STARry SONG sends SHAdows MID the LIGHT
as SPRING will CREEP beNEATH the WINtry GRASS
Her TREES will GLOW and CRYstal lIZE with FROST.
The WORLD beCOMES A GLOWing FAIR y LAND
as FROM the DARK will COME the RISing SUN,
a PHOEnix WITH new BIRTH her CRIC kets SING.
Brings FORTH her EL e MENTS, enCHANTed SPRING.

Thanks for sharing your poem and allowing me to play with it! *BigSmile*

Try out the iambic pentameter in one of your poems. I think you will like it!






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Review of Love of Autumn  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the first poem I found entitled "Love of Autumn", #2098209. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is in love with Autumn.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem: You have written a HAIKU !

The crisp autumn morning wind
the sun rising and the pretty leaves
this is what my autumn is

The SUBJECT of your poem, Autumn

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Upbeat

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: Since you have so few words you can use when writing a Haiku, you must choose each little morsel, er word, carefully. The word (determiner, "the") should be replaced with something more 'colorful'. How about "Crispy cool (autumn) we already know its about Autumn, right. So, throw Autumn word out. Now we have : "cripsy, cool morning (ah, the ING has got to go! that a whole syllable! when you only have 5 in the whole line, you gotta make each syllable count! ok, so "CRISPY MORN, COOL WIND.

Second line (Instead of "the sun rising" How about "SUNLIGHT" ? (I saved us 2 syllables!) + get rid of those conjunctions &determiners: ("and" & the)
instead of saying "pretty" leaves, let's give em some color, huh?
SUNLIGHT HITS HER REDDISH LEAVES
AUTUMN'S COME AT LAST!
So,finally,we have:


CRISPY MORN, COLD WIND
SUNLIGHT SPARKS ON REDDISH LEAVES
AUTUMN'S COME AT LAST!

Thanks for sharing your poem with me. Write on!


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13
Review of Little David  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing "Little David", #1546628, your flash fiction piece, as an Anniversary congratulatory offering and reminder you have been with us for the past ten years.

The author of this piece, "Little David", states from the beginning her frustration with him. He has done many things to annoy her and she has had enough! To see her standing over David with a dripping knife tells the reader her frustration has been quelled. As reader, I assume little David is probably her small, innocent brother and realize I am witnessing the beginning of a horror story.

My FIRST REACTION is: "what is going on,here? Is the main character insane?

The SUBJECT of your short fiction, murder, seems to have occurred in the kitchen of a farmhouse while all other family members are absent. We know the killer is of school age, possibly a teenager?

The TONE or MOOD of your story? Certainly no sadness is displayed; only relief for finally ridding herself of "Little David".

FAVORITE part of the flash fiction: The last scene where the water is bubbling and David is about to lose his feathers!

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: None. A quick write with humorous twisted ending.
But,if you love family ducks that quack and carry on and become the family pet, then you are torn with mixed emotions as she drops him in the boiling water!

Thanks for sharing your writer-of-short-fiction-ability with us. And Happy Anniversary! Write on!


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Review of Jewish Injustice  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the 3rd selection for review entitled "Jewish Injustice".

My FIRST REACTION to your article about the facts surrounding a small Polish village during the 2nd World War is how despicable war is and how man's inhumanity to man never ceases to amaze me. I remember as a child viewing a typical war movie of the 1940's (Ann Sheridan); can't remember name of film, and how the people formed underground units to fight the Germans. I remember the story so vividly after all these years and the wicked mayor who collaborated with the Germans and aided them in destroying his own people just to save his own hide.

The SUBJECT of your article states there were 1600 murdered in that small town of Jedwabne, Poland. Researching today, I found that after extensive research, investigators determined it was 340 innocent souls who were marched to the barn that day and burned alive.
Here is passage from my reading today: "The figure of 1,600 or so victims cited in Neighbors was “highly unlikely, and was not confirmed in the course of the investigation.”
“At least forty (Polish) men” were perpetrators of the crime. As for the remainder of Jedwabne’s population, IPN deplored “the passive behavior of the majority of the town’s population in the face of the crime.” However, IPN’s finding of "utter passivity" shown by the majority of Jedwabne’s population is very different from the statement on page 7 of ‘Neighbors’ that “half of the population of the town murdered the other half.” The majority of Jedwabne residents were “utterly passive,” IPN found, and they did not participate in the pogrom.
A number of witnesses had testified that the Germans drove the group of Jewish victims from Jedwabne’s town square to the barn where they were killed (these testimonies are found in the expanded 203-page ‘Findings’ published in June 2003). IPN could neither conclusively prove nor disprove these accounts. “Witness testimonies vary considerably on this question.”
“A certain group of Jewish people survived” the massacre. Several dozen Jews, or according to several sources approximately one hundred Jews, lived in a ghetto in Jedwabne until November 1942, when the Jews were transferred by the Germans to a ghetto in Lomza, and eventually died in Treblinka. The seven Jews hidden by the Wyrzykowski family were not the only survivors."


SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: When writing articles based on historical fact, double-check the facts and figures. I enjoyed reading your account of what happened to that Polish town during the 2nd World War.


Thanks for sharing your article. Write on!


15
15
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the Third poem I found entitled "Pink fluffy unicorn (structured)", #2117186. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is disclosing the sad tale about 2 fluffy unicorns.
It seems that Pete, the unicorn, is in the middle of unrequited love. He is attracted to a "she" unicorn. The narrator of the story does not mention her name.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is sympathy for Pete, the unicorn. Pete is in love but that love is not returned.

The SUBJECT of your poem, Pete's consternation and grief over making no headway with his intended love who seems not to want to cooperate as she is already in love with a guy in Greece, name of 'Troy'.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Matter-of-fact. I'm not convinced that Pete is really that upset about the whole thing.


SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: You do include in title the word "structure" so I assume you mean you have balanced stanzas of 4 lines each. And each last line has the word 'unicorn' or 'unicorns'. My one suggestion for even more structure in your poem is to pay attention to meter. If, for example, you had written it in blank verse, it might flow with more smoothness: using iambic pentameter (daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM))

The hills are filled with cotton candy breeze
where frolics pinkish unicorns so grand.
They play upon the beach where there's pink sand
where girlish, pinkish unicorns will tease.
Now,Pete, the fluffy unicorn sees mate
He neighs to her and tells her she is late.
She tosses fluffy mane and states: "It's fate":
Her character, a flirty unicorn. ................etcetera, etcetera


Thanks for sharing your thoughts about pink unicorns. Write on!


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Review of CUTE AS CAN BE  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture#51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the second poem I found entitled "Cute As Can Be", #2130823. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is talking about passing on an imaginary character (the dragon) that she once played with to her own child.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is recognition that the poem is probably written for a child.

The SUBJECT of your poem, an imaginary dragon.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Happy and forward-looking

FAVORITE part of the poem: when speaker in the poem realizes how much fun her little child may have from that same imaginary dragon she once played with.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: "Him and my best friend will have so much fun". Change "HIM" to "HE", since he is the subject of your sentence. The subject is always HE. The OBJECT (him) is always on the other side of the sentence. If I say "I gave the dragon to HIM (object of the sentence) then that would be correct. But you cannot say "HIM gave the dragon to HE! (see the difference? The word, "Him" will always be the object. The word, "he" will always be the subject in front of the verb (the action word).


Thanks for sharing your cute little imaginary dragon with me. Write on!


17
17
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the first poem I found entitled "If I Ruled the World". I am assuming the speaker in the poem is talking about what he would do if he ruled the world for only one day.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is that all the ways you choose for ruling are admirable. You are going to be kind to everyone and not judge them if they do not think exactly as you do.

The SUBJECT of your poem, that is, your actions are all those of a leader any nation would like. You are going to make sure no one goes hungry and no one would ever fight in a war again. The term you use (feeds) should be replaced with another term. The word, "feeds" refers to an animal. Animals might "feed upon" but humans usually eat. Sometimes we might say "he feeds upon the ills of society" but that is not the type of hunger you are referring to here.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say philosophical, that is, the speaker has a theory of how one person might act should he have the power.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: Some of your words need to be changed. For example: "To be conscientious and "EXCEPT" other people" is wrong use.

The word should be "ACCEPT" instead of EXCEPT. You may look the two words up to see how they are used differently in a sentence. Example: "I like all vegetables EXCEPT spinach." (so EXCEPT is beginning of a conditional or prepositional phrase that is not part of the main subject/verb ( I like all vegetables) structure of your sentence.
Proper use of ACCEPT is a verb: Example: "I will accept your approval."

Another Line from your poem: "other people and their "believes" is wrong.

"Believes" is a verb and should be replaced with the noun, "BELIEFS" in your line, above. Here is example of "believes":
HE believes in fairy tales". A "belief" is a noun. Example of sentence with 'belief' or 'beliefs': "My beliefs may differ from yours."


Thanks for sharing your poem with me. Write on! email me at <jackiecasey@att.net> if you have grammar questions.


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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the 3rd poem #231668 I found entitled "No Love At First Sight".


My FIRST REACTION to your poem is understanding how ,upon meeting someone for the first time you might even consider them 'ugly', yet you will later be attracted to them because of their actions. I smiled, remembering how I first felt about my future husband who eventually became the love of my life, so I can relate to your poem. We met, age 12 at Junior High School dance and were together for 62 years! I did not like him at first. He was not my idea of the hero I had in my young, naive, unsophisticated mind. So you can't assume a book by its cover or your first impression correct, right?

The SUBJECT of your poem describes that person whom you refer to as 'ugly'.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical.

FAVORITE part of the poem: your discussion of how you learned to trust again.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I like your poem as it stands. There is some thought by you in its arrangement of increasing lines for each new stanza as you learn to trust and love again. This poem is what I refer to as "free verse".

Your poem brings to mind how, falling in love is taking a chance but you must be willing to take that chance or you may never find love. And, bad experiences in the past can really make you wary as the writer seems in the first stanza.

An interesting poem...

Thanks for sharing. Write on!
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Review of Sun  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the second poem I found entitled "Sun", a long-distance love. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is referring to a real life lover and not a God or an imaginary lover.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem: The speaker seems to be talking about a spiritual love as in a connection to God in this poem. The reason I assume this is the reference to "I waited patiently for the Lord , the psalmist said." But the speaker may mean by this reference she waits patiently for her earthly lover to return.

The SUBJECT of your poem,as I read it, is the love you have for this person is more than just human, but something more than that. You seem to equate your love for this person and the light of love coming from his eyes the same as that life-giving light from the sun.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical

FAVORITE part of the poem: I like the unique reference to the psalmist because I can see him playing on his harp (the Biblical David?) singing to the Lord. Then I hear my favorite, real-life songster/psalmist, Leonard Cohen.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: You could easily turn this into a 14 line sonnet (Shakespearean or Petrarchan). You could also make it more interesting by reference to the Biblical psalms. There are some great allusions to loving and lovers in the psalms.

Thanks for sharing your love poem with me. Write on!


20
20
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the first poem #2061673 I found entitled "Alone in the Silence".


My FIRST REACTION to your poem is sympathy as you express a sense of isolation.

The SUBJECT of your poem seems to be dealing with that sense of silence and isolation we all feel at times.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical.
FAVORITE part of the poem: "alone in silence I am no more"

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I think you might consider writing this in blank verse (iambic pentameter). Blank verse does not have to rhyme. Thus: here is your original:

"Sitting here alone in the silence, you come.
You stop and pick me up where I am at
And give me a voice.
You show me how to relate to others
and what to speak.
You give me wisdom and knowledge
to do what I need to do.
Alone in the silence I am no more
since you came along and
picked me up off the floor."

below is rewrite of your poem in iambic pentameter: daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM=5 unaccented syllables & 5 accented):


I SIT a LONE in SI lence AS you COME;
you FIND me IN the STILL ness, PICK me UP
and IN that SI lence, SUD den LY give VOICE.
You SHOW me HOW to SPEAK my MIND to ALL
and GIVE me KNOWledge WHAT I NEED to DO
A LONE, in SI lence, I exSIST no MORE
since YOU have COME to PICK me OFF the FLOOR.

Thanks for sharing your poem. Write on!








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Review of Once we were Gods  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the 2nd poem I found entitled "Once We Were Gods", #1897168. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is a mature person, well-versed in Greek Mythology.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is appreciation for your images referencing how, man at an earlier age looked at the Gods and felt they commanded the sun to rise and the oceans to flow. The speaker seems to be talking about how man, once the center of the Universe, somehow fell out of favor and lost all his power.

The SUBJECT of your poem, as I see it is about Power. That is, power over nature and the universe and power once held over a child, let's say about 5 years old. However, as the child matures, he realizes his father is not the God he thought. Maybe growing up is not so easy. One is misled into thinking he IS the center of the Universe as a baby. Then he thinks his father is the God and at that center. The speaker in this poem seems to regret losing that respect/power he once had from the son.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical. The speaker in this poem seems to be expressing an opinion about the way the world really is and his status in it.

FAVORITE part of the poem: I like all your allusions to Greek Mythology in first part of the poem.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: You might consider writing this in blank verse (iambic pentameter}. Blank verse does not have to rhyme. It will give your poem 'good bones' and is fun to write once you learn the rhythmic pattern : daDUM,daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM for each line.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this. Write on!


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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

#51 Torture says I must review 3 poems each for every member of my team! That is 39 poems! So wish me luck that my brain and typing fingers hold out.

This is the first poem I found in your port, entitled "Dragons...There Be!" After reading it a couple of times, a song formed in my mind: "Oh, Puff, the magic dragon, rose from the deep, and saved our Joanie Pippin, upon the briny sea!" So, now I cannot get that tune out of my head.*BigSmile*

My FIRST REACTION to your poem : I like it! It is fun to read something a little different from what I write. (A rigid iambic pentameter) So, all that long flowing line of verse is very refreshing to an old codger like me. Your verse just kind of sings along, going in every direction, I suppose, as a dragon would do on land or in the sea. The story of this particular dragon moves right along. The part of your poem I like best is the "dragons there be" line repeated throughout. A nice touch that sort of give the poem structure or good bones upon which to build.

The SUBJECT of your poem, I think is his story about saving Joanie Pippin and how she showered him with many great things, like silken articles and a good bottle of bourbon.
The story seems to take a turn for the worst as the ungrateful girl just disappears for no good reason, but maybe in fantasy we need no logic.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Upbeat, definitely!

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: None, that I can think of at the moment. Although we could turn this little narrative about a sea dragon into blank verse. But, never-mind, I like it just as it is!

Thanks for sharing your dragon adventure with me. Write on!


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Review of My Wish  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the THIRD poem I found entitled "My Wish". I am assuming the speaker in the poem is in love with the person he/she speaks to in the poem.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is the speaker is deeply attached to the person and she is speaking directly to the loved one. The speaker wants to be with the other even as he sleeps and the speaker in the poem wants to be a part of his soul.

The SUBJECT of your poem is a wish to always be with the other person and to be a part of their very soul.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? A sense of longing as speaker reminds the other that "for every caress" should be a reminder of the person who loves them.

FAVORITE part of the poem: where you express your hope he will always feel you in his dreams. It rather reminds me of the old 1940's romantic lyrics "I'll see you in my Dreams" where the girl is missing her lover, away because of his part in the war.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I think you might consider writing this in blank verse which is iambic pentameter. Blank verse does not have to rhyme. Thus:

(Listen to the beat in the iambic pentameter:) daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM

I WISH it COULD be ME a MONG your DREAMS
my ARMS are WRAPPED a ROUND you AS you SLEEP
To BE a PART of HEART beat AS you REST
and AL ways PART ly NEST led IN your SOUL..........etc. You get the picture.

Thanks for sharing this love poem and Write on!




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for entry "Friendship
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Count without WritingML 1,766

Hello, my name is Casey and I am REVIEWING 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture/Game of Thrones Contest.

The First poem does not have a TITLE. But since you are answering the prompt/question "Why is Friendship So Important?", I will use that as the title.

My first reaction to your poem, It is simple, sweet and to the point. When you mention listening without judging, reminds me of my mother! She was a great listener without judging. I think we need that especially when we are young. She never really judged or stopped me from expressing myself. So, a good friend is also a good listener.


The SUBJECT of your poem, "Friendship" equates it with sharing, not just the good times, but also the bad.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say the tone is uplifting and upbeat as with your words "they stand and cheer for your success".

FAVORITE part of the poem: "They never judge; that's not their way". As with friends, I believe teachers should be cautioned to find a way to 'judge' the student without 'judging' as you say. Sometimes a teacher can influence a young mind for better or worse for the rest of their life.

SYNOPSIS: I think you might consider writing this in blank verse which is iambic pentameter. Blank verse does not have to rhyme. Thus: Your same words but in different format:

The people that you meet throughout your life
Who share your dreams; not only just the strife.
Who lend a heart; not only just a hand
to buffer all your tears as best they can.
They stand and cheer for all of your success
They sit and listen well what you confess
They never judge for that is not their way.
A pillar of support for you each day.

A lovely sentiment in your poem. Thanks for sharing it with me. Write on!


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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Word Count:

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing your poem, "Unicorns and metaphors" in conjunction with Game of Thrones. #2118157. Perhaps 'metaphor' should be capitalized?


The SUBJECT of your poem, Unicorns, interests me as you begin to describe what the unicorn reminds you of. A lush, pink carpet that you may sink your feet into. That is exactly how all those filaments attached to the mane of the Unicorn feel. It is a very colorful toy and the delicate filament on its mane contrasts with the hard, plastic body. It is a child's fantasy toy and very pretty with iridescent, sparkly eyes meant to enthrall.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say pleasant and meant to be fun. Kind of like a happy birthday atmosphere. And we can almost smell the fluffy, pink frosting on the cake that goes with such an animal. I like the words you choose to suggest what you are thinking as you view the unicorn: 'achromatic', 'ephemeral', 'amaranth'. Pretty, sparkly words

FAVORITE part of the poem: Last stanza as you become caught up in the fantasy of the object itself irrespective of metaphor.

SYNOPSIS: a fantasy poem written for a pink, fluffy birthday celebration.

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