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230 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
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Review of Dreyfuss  
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (5.0)
A charming story. A few grammatical errors but who cares? Content more important than style or grammar, anyway. I like how you used the quote in your story and how it fell, naturally, into place. And, the repetition of it at the end of the story worked great! Your story had a ring of truth to it. We all fall in love with our pets and the memories remain with us for most of our lives. Dog have more to do with 'civilizing man' than any other pet. Just my opinion. They teach us how to love, passionately, with no strings attached.
2
2
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (3.0)
Well, first , I think your title is all wrong. The writer of this poem is certainly not 'apathetic'; far from it! Actually the writer of this poem is churning with frustration even though they say they have no 'energy' to go on. All writers feel what you express in your poem at one time or another. You want feedback for whatever you are writing and yet, no one seems to have the time or desire to help. I'll admit I do not want to spend my time responding to wordy short stories. They totally bore me! I am only interested in poetry and spend my time with that genre. I respond to very few poems. It takes too much time away from my writing, though I know I learn something more every time I TAKE THAT TIME to review someone else.

As for finding the help you need or I need? All I can say is your DESIRE to write must overwhelm all other problems. If you are ignored, forget it and keep writing. You must Dig for it! If you need answers as to form, dig for it on the internet. Seek and ye shall find. Seek the best poets, study them; read them and try to copy their form for awhile. Do the copying long enough and you will begin to find your own wings. You won't need the great ones anymore. Read and study the work of others as much as you write! You should be 50/50. Writing is a solitary world yet that is exactly what you need to be able to write. You don't need interruptions. You WANT solitude!
You say you are Asian. Well I am Irish. I don't think writing talent belongs to any particular race or gender. So, you say you want feedback. Ok. Here it is. Turn your poem into what is call blank verse. Blank verse is daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM for each line. I will give you the first line: "I'm SHRI viled UP inSIDE just LIKE a PRUNE". Finish up your poem and email back to me. You will have learned all about blank verse by then. All the best Casey
3
3
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (3.5)
I appreciate the thought you have put into what I would call a 'mini-essay'. There is a lot of truth in what you say. Your title good because it 'caught' my attention forcing me to go there to read. I have a few suggestions for the actual writing. First sentence good, invites me to read on. Second sentence needs to be cut with period at 'discomfort'. Begin new sentence at "People" (this is a long sentence, but works even tho it is a tad too long). Next sentence should read: "The point is don't trust or be dependent on others so easily."
Your last sentence good: just needs to be cleaned up a little, so the reader doesn't stumble through. For example; "Remember: only parents are there when all others may leave you. When you're in trouble, only parents will be there."

I think you have the promise of a great essayist, so keep writing!
4
4
Review of The Marker  
Review by Casey
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love your poem, "The Marker". It just needs a little more work, in my opinion. I would change the verbs to active instead of passive and get rid of as many determiners (like a, an, the) as possible. You create here a foggy, little ghostly scene that is memorable and I like fact that even the trees are weeping and I like the scene where we do not learn until later that the person talking in the poem is the ghostly, beautiful, young girl.

So, "Rusty hinges screech their protest
as I push open heavy gate."
"I watch the wavy wisps of fog" and
get rid of that " 'oer': (too poetic) instead: "dance over mossy ground" (get rid of the determiner, "the")
"and mid the gloom of silver moon" (you want to get away from 'by the light of the silvery moon' cliche, right?). This is a ghost poem so use as many gloom/moons as you can find. "I see the lonely, little mound" (see; not "saw") Use active verbs when you can. Verb tense, involves the reader in the "now" of the poem! You capture reader attention this way.

"So heavy IS the air of gloom,
my footsteps MAKE no sound. (great line, good work!).
With anxious heart, I MAKE my way
And know the answer is not found.
I hear them chatting:
"Her ship did founder on the sea
and when at last she's found,
she's buried there beneath that tree." (again, when you can get rid of 'poetic' 'oer' or 'neath' do it!)
It's true, the stories that they tell.
The marker bears her name
of one, young beauty lost at sea:
my only claim to fame.

I really like the 'mood' you have created here. All the best in your writing. Jackie Casey
5
5
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is a Third piece of fiction entitled "There's Nothing You Can Teach Me...", #2126263.

My FIRST REACTION to the on-going conversation between 2 young teenagers on a school bus on their way home was that I was interested in what each had to say and noticed the differing attitudes between the two. It held my attention and the conversation had a natural, believable flow to it.

The SUBJECT of this short piece: how two young men from totally different backgrounds could form a friendship over their common interest in music. You did not put me to sleep. The story moved along with a beginning, a middle and an end!

The TONE or MOOD? Matter-of-fact.

FAVORITE part: when the one boy asks if the other wants to continue their conversation about music after they are off the school bus.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: None. I thought this was VERY well written!


Thanks for sharing your short story with me. Write on!


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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the the second piece I found, flash fiction entitled: "Hindsight and all that..." #2126207

My FIRST REACTION to your short fictional piece is with friends like you we need no enemies, huh? I suppose the practical joke would be a good one if you had not hired a crook to pull it off! Is this a believable story? My intuition tells me you were desperate for a plot so this happening occurred not in real life, but only in your imagination.

Still, it is rather imaginative and slightly funny, I guess depending upon what part you are playing in the action. Flash fiction is tough to write! You must have a quickie, twist ending for it to work, right? So, I think you succeeded here.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Wry humor. Not much sympathy for your victim!

Final thoughts: I am suspicious of the ending. Could it happen in real life?
Well, if a 'friend' did this to me, I would want hold him responsible for loss of the ring, not that that would help matters at all.



Thanks for sharing your flash fiction! Write on!


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7
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the Third poem I found entitled "Mia, You Bitch", #2130120. Reading it for the first, time, I think it would make a great prose poem.

My FIRST REACTION : Here is depiction of a strong love/hate relationship. One of those can't live with or without you matters where you feel a bit trapped.

The SUBJECT of your poem is an emotional display about feelings for something or someone you cannot control, or you feel you were tricked into becoming attracted to and manipulated into such relationship.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Anger and frustration;resentment and awe-inspiring at the same time.

SUGGESTION for this emotional piece? I would write, rather than strung out in a 'list' or series of lines with all those "I's"; I would write it as one strong paragraph and call it a prose poem. For example:

Until we met, I never knew such loss. My soul entrapped inside a golden cage.
Mia, my love, both completion and failure were the benefit of being yours. We met when I was much too young to know but old enough to feel your soul touch mine. I failed to recognize that harm to me and saw you as the sun and moon and stars. My love complete, with every kiss; caress, you stole my thoughts until
my heart entrapped from sunup 'til sundown. My body always tested but the limits of my body never broke.
With Joan of Arc denial I stayed true. My life was for your purpose; all else denied. And so my God became my Mia, too. My mantra with a purpose only you. Reshaped my life in order to be true. And thus, denied, denied, denied all else for you. "There's always a tomorrow" was my cry, though you and I knew better, did we not? Yet, time for us, was only in the Now.
I sacrificed and boarded up my heart. The lies, like tinted windows in my soul, still colored with emotions uncontrolled. Your love's became a cross I cannot bear. In truth, you are my saddest moment's share yet also greatest.


Thanks for sharing your poem and letting me experiment with it. Write on!


8
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Review of Little David  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing "Little David", #1546628, your flash fiction piece, as an Anniversary congratulatory offering and reminder you have been with us for the past ten years.

The author of this piece, "Little David", states from the beginning her frustration with him. He has done many things to annoy her and she has had enough! To see her standing over David with a dripping knife tells the reader her frustration has been quelled. As reader, I assume little David is probably her small, innocent brother and realize I am witnessing the beginning of a horror story.

My FIRST REACTION is: "what is going on,here? Is the main character insane?

The SUBJECT of your short fiction, murder, seems to have occurred in the kitchen of a farmhouse while all other family members are absent. We know the killer is of school age, possibly a teenager?

The TONE or MOOD of your story? Certainly no sadness is displayed; only relief for finally ridding herself of "Little David".

FAVORITE part of the flash fiction: The last scene where the water is bubbling and David is about to lose his feathers!

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: None. A quick write with humorous twisted ending.
But,if you love family ducks that quack and carry on and become the family pet, then you are torn with mixed emotions as she drops him in the boiling water!

Thanks for sharing your writer-of-short-fiction-ability with us. And Happy Anniversary! Write on!


9
9
Review of Jewish Injustice  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the 3rd selection for review entitled "Jewish Injustice".

My FIRST REACTION to your article about the facts surrounding a small Polish village during the 2nd World War is how despicable war is and how man's inhumanity to man never ceases to amaze me. I remember as a child viewing a typical war movie of the 1940's (Ann Sheridan); can't remember name of film, and how the people formed underground units to fight the Germans. I remember the story so vividly after all these years and the wicked mayor who collaborated with the Germans and aided them in destroying his own people just to save his own hide.

The SUBJECT of your article states there were 1600 murdered in that small town of Jedwabne, Poland. Researching today, I found that after extensive research, investigators determined it was 340 innocent souls who were marched to the barn that day and burned alive.
Here is passage from my reading today: "The figure of 1,600 or so victims cited in Neighbors was “highly unlikely, and was not confirmed in the course of the investigation.”
“At least forty (Polish) men” were perpetrators of the crime. As for the remainder of Jedwabne’s population, IPN deplored “the passive behavior of the majority of the town’s population in the face of the crime.” However, IPN’s finding of "utter passivity" shown by the majority of Jedwabne’s population is very different from the statement on page 7 of ‘Neighbors’ that “half of the population of the town murdered the other half.” The majority of Jedwabne residents were “utterly passive,” IPN found, and they did not participate in the pogrom.
A number of witnesses had testified that the Germans drove the group of Jewish victims from Jedwabne’s town square to the barn where they were killed (these testimonies are found in the expanded 203-page ‘Findings’ published in June 2003). IPN could neither conclusively prove nor disprove these accounts. “Witness testimonies vary considerably on this question.”
“A certain group of Jewish people survived” the massacre. Several dozen Jews, or according to several sources approximately one hundred Jews, lived in a ghetto in Jedwabne until November 1942, when the Jews were transferred by the Germans to a ghetto in Lomza, and eventually died in Treblinka. The seven Jews hidden by the Wyrzykowski family were not the only survivors."


SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: When writing articles based on historical fact, double-check the facts and figures. I enjoyed reading your account of what happened to that Polish town during the 2nd World War.


Thanks for sharing your article. Write on!


10
10
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture, #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the Third poem I found entitled "Pink fluffy unicorn (structured)", #2117186. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is disclosing the sad tale about 2 fluffy unicorns.
It seems that Pete, the unicorn, is in the middle of unrequited love. He is attracted to a "she" unicorn. The narrator of the story does not mention her name.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is sympathy for Pete, the unicorn. Pete is in love but that love is not returned.

The SUBJECT of your poem, Pete's consternation and grief over making no headway with his intended love who seems not to want to cooperate as she is already in love with a guy in Greece, name of 'Troy'.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Matter-of-fact. I'm not convinced that Pete is really that upset about the whole thing.


SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: You do include in title the word "structure" so I assume you mean you have balanced stanzas of 4 lines each. And each last line has the word 'unicorn' or 'unicorns'. My one suggestion for even more structure in your poem is to pay attention to meter. If, for example, you had written it in blank verse, it might flow with more smoothness: using iambic pentameter (daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM))

The hills are filled with cotton candy breeze
where frolics pinkish unicorns so grand.
They play upon the beach where there's pink sand
where girlish, pinkish unicorns will tease.
Now,Pete, the fluffy unicorn sees mate
He neighs to her and tells her she is late.
She tosses fluffy mane and states: "It's fate":
Her character, a flirty unicorn. ................etcetera, etcetera


Thanks for sharing your thoughts about pink unicorns. Write on!


11
11
Review of CUTE AS CAN BE  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture#51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the second poem I found entitled "Cute As Can Be", #2130823. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is talking about passing on an imaginary character (the dragon) that she once played with to her own child.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is recognition that the poem is probably written for a child.

The SUBJECT of your poem, an imaginary dragon.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Happy and forward-looking

FAVORITE part of the poem: when speaker in the poem realizes how much fun her little child may have from that same imaginary dragon she once played with.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: "Him and my best friend will have so much fun". Change "HIM" to "HE", since he is the subject of your sentence. The subject is always HE. The OBJECT (him) is always on the other side of the sentence. If I say "I gave the dragon to HIM (object of the sentence) then that would be correct. But you cannot say "HIM gave the dragon to HE! (see the difference? The word, "Him" will always be the object. The word, "he" will always be the subject in front of the verb (the action word).


Thanks for sharing your cute little imaginary dragon with me. Write on!


12
12
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the first poem I found entitled "If I Ruled the World". I am assuming the speaker in the poem is talking about what he would do if he ruled the world for only one day.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is that all the ways you choose for ruling are admirable. You are going to be kind to everyone and not judge them if they do not think exactly as you do.

The SUBJECT of your poem, that is, your actions are all those of a leader any nation would like. You are going to make sure no one goes hungry and no one would ever fight in a war again. The term you use (feeds) should be replaced with another term. The word, "feeds" refers to an animal. Animals might "feed upon" but humans usually eat. Sometimes we might say "he feeds upon the ills of society" but that is not the type of hunger you are referring to here.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say philosophical, that is, the speaker has a theory of how one person might act should he have the power.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: Some of your words need to be changed. For example: "To be conscientious and "EXCEPT" other people" is wrong use.

The word should be "ACCEPT" instead of EXCEPT. You may look the two words up to see how they are used differently in a sentence. Example: "I like all vegetables EXCEPT spinach." (so EXCEPT is beginning of a conditional or prepositional phrase that is not part of the main subject/verb ( I like all vegetables) structure of your sentence.
Proper use of ACCEPT is a verb: Example: "I will accept your approval."

Another Line from your poem: "other people and their "believes" is wrong.

"Believes" is a verb and should be replaced with the noun, "BELIEFS" in your line, above. Here is example of "believes":
HE believes in fairy tales". A "belief" is a noun. Example of sentence with 'belief' or 'beliefs': "My beliefs may differ from yours."


Thanks for sharing your poem with me. Write on! email me at <jackiecasey@att.net> if you have grammar questions.


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13
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the 3rd poem #231668 I found entitled "No Love At First Sight".


My FIRST REACTION to your poem is understanding how ,upon meeting someone for the first time you might even consider them 'ugly', yet you will later be attracted to them because of their actions. I smiled, remembering how I first felt about my future husband who eventually became the love of my life, so I can relate to your poem. We met, age 12 at Junior High School dance and were together for 62 years! I did not like him at first. He was not my idea of the hero I had in my young, naive, unsophisticated mind. So you can't assume a book by its cover or your first impression correct, right?

The SUBJECT of your poem describes that person whom you refer to as 'ugly'.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical.

FAVORITE part of the poem: your discussion of how you learned to trust again.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I like your poem as it stands. There is some thought by you in its arrangement of increasing lines for each new stanza as you learn to trust and love again. This poem is what I refer to as "free verse".

Your poem brings to mind how, falling in love is taking a chance but you must be willing to take that chance or you may never find love. And, bad experiences in the past can really make you wary as the writer seems in the first stanza.

An interesting poem...

Thanks for sharing. Write on!
14
14
Review of Sun  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the second poem I found entitled "Sun", a long-distance love. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is referring to a real life lover and not a God or an imaginary lover.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem: The speaker seems to be talking about a spiritual love as in a connection to God in this poem. The reason I assume this is the reference to "I waited patiently for the Lord , the psalmist said." But the speaker may mean by this reference she waits patiently for her earthly lover to return.

The SUBJECT of your poem,as I read it, is the love you have for this person is more than just human, but something more than that. You seem to equate your love for this person and the light of love coming from his eyes the same as that life-giving light from the sun.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical

FAVORITE part of the poem: I like the unique reference to the psalmist because I can see him playing on his harp (the Biblical David?) singing to the Lord. Then I hear my favorite, real-life songster/psalmist, Leonard Cohen.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: You could easily turn this into a 14 line sonnet (Shakespearean or Petrarchan). You could also make it more interesting by reference to the Biblical psalms. There are some great allusions to loving and lovers in the psalms.

Thanks for sharing your love poem with me. Write on!


15
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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the first poem #2061673 I found entitled "Alone in the Silence".


My FIRST REACTION to your poem is sympathy as you express a sense of isolation.

The SUBJECT of your poem seems to be dealing with that sense of silence and isolation we all feel at times.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical.
FAVORITE part of the poem: "alone in silence I am no more"

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I think you might consider writing this in blank verse (iambic pentameter). Blank verse does not have to rhyme. Thus: here is your original:

"Sitting here alone in the silence, you come.
You stop and pick me up where I am at
And give me a voice.
You show me how to relate to others
and what to speak.
You give me wisdom and knowledge
to do what I need to do.
Alone in the silence I am no more
since you came along and
picked me up off the floor."

below is rewrite of your poem in iambic pentameter: daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM=5 unaccented syllables & 5 accented):


I SIT a LONE in SI lence AS you COME;
you FIND me IN the STILL ness, PICK me UP
and IN that SI lence, SUD den LY give VOICE.
You SHOW me HOW to SPEAK my MIND to ALL
and GIVE me KNOWledge WHAT I NEED to DO
A LONE, in SI lence, I exSIST no MORE
since YOU have COME to PICK me OFF the FLOOR.

Thanks for sharing your poem. Write on!








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Review of Once we were Gods  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the 2nd poem I found entitled "Once We Were Gods", #1897168. I am assuming the speaker in the poem is a mature person, well-versed in Greek Mythology.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is appreciation for your images referencing how, man at an earlier age looked at the Gods and felt they commanded the sun to rise and the oceans to flow. The speaker seems to be talking about how man, once the center of the Universe, somehow fell out of favor and lost all his power.

The SUBJECT of your poem, as I see it is about Power. That is, power over nature and the universe and power once held over a child, let's say about 5 years old. However, as the child matures, he realizes his father is not the God he thought. Maybe growing up is not so easy. One is misled into thinking he IS the center of the Universe as a baby. Then he thinks his father is the God and at that center. The speaker in this poem seems to regret losing that respect/power he once had from the son.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Philosophical. The speaker in this poem seems to be expressing an opinion about the way the world really is and his status in it.

FAVORITE part of the poem: I like all your allusions to Greek Mythology in first part of the poem.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: You might consider writing this in blank verse (iambic pentameter}. Blank verse does not have to rhyme. It will give your poem 'good bones' and is fun to write once you learn the rhythmic pattern : daDUM,daDUM, daDUM, daDUM, daDUM for each line.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this. Write on!


17
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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

#51 Torture says I must review 3 poems each for every member of my team! That is 39 poems! So wish me luck that my brain and typing fingers hold out.

This is the first poem I found in your port, entitled "Dragons...There Be!" After reading it a couple of times, a song formed in my mind: "Oh, Puff, the magic dragon, rose from the deep, and saved our Joanie Pippin, upon the briny sea!" So, now I cannot get that tune out of my head.*BigSmile*

My FIRST REACTION to your poem : I like it! It is fun to read something a little different from what I write. (A rigid iambic pentameter) So, all that long flowing line of verse is very refreshing to an old codger like me. Your verse just kind of sings along, going in every direction, I suppose, as a dragon would do on land or in the sea. The story of this particular dragon moves right along. The part of your poem I like best is the "dragons there be" line repeated throughout. A nice touch that sort of give the poem structure or good bones upon which to build.

The SUBJECT of your poem, I think is his story about saving Joanie Pippin and how she showered him with many great things, like silken articles and a good bottle of bourbon.
The story seems to take a turn for the worst as the ungrateful girl just disappears for no good reason, but maybe in fantasy we need no logic.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? Upbeat, definitely!

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: None, that I can think of at the moment. Although we could turn this little narrative about a sea dragon into blank verse. But, never-mind, I like it just as it is!

Thanks for sharing your dragon adventure with me. Write on!


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Review of My Wish  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture #51, Game of Thrones Contest.

This is the THIRD poem I found entitled "My Wish". I am assuming the speaker in the poem is in love with the person he/she speaks to in the poem.

My FIRST REACTION to your poem is the speaker is deeply attached to the person and she is speaking directly to the loved one. The speaker wants to be with the other even as he sleeps and the speaker in the poem wants to be a part of his soul.

The SUBJECT of your poem is a wish to always be with the other person and to be a part of their very soul.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? A sense of longing as speaker reminds the other that "for every caress" should be a reminder of the person who loves them.

FAVORITE part of the poem: where you express your hope he will always feel you in his dreams. It rather reminds me of the old 1940's romantic lyrics "I'll see you in my Dreams" where the girl is missing her lover, away because of his part in the war.

SUGGESTION for IMPROVEMENT: I think you might consider writing this in blank verse which is iambic pentameter. Blank verse does not have to rhyme. Thus:

(Listen to the beat in the iambic pentameter:) daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM,daDUM

I WISH it COULD be ME a MONG your DREAMS
my ARMS are WRAPPED a ROUND you AS you SLEEP
To BE a PART of HEART beat AS you REST
and AL ways PART ly NEST led IN your SOUL..........etc. You get the picture.

Thanks for sharing this love poem and Write on!




19
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for entry "Friendship
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Count without WritingML 1,766

Hello, my name is Casey and I am REVIEWING 3 selections from your Portfolio For Wheel of Torture/Game of Thrones Contest.

The First poem does not have a TITLE. But since you are answering the prompt/question "Why is Friendship So Important?", I will use that as the title.

My first reaction to your poem, It is simple, sweet and to the point. When you mention listening without judging, reminds me of my mother! She was a great listener without judging. I think we need that especially when we are young. She never really judged or stopped me from expressing myself. So, a good friend is also a good listener.


The SUBJECT of your poem, "Friendship" equates it with sharing, not just the good times, but also the bad.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say the tone is uplifting and upbeat as with your words "they stand and cheer for your success".

FAVORITE part of the poem: "They never judge; that's not their way". As with friends, I believe teachers should be cautioned to find a way to 'judge' the student without 'judging' as you say. Sometimes a teacher can influence a young mind for better or worse for the rest of their life.

SYNOPSIS: I think you might consider writing this in blank verse which is iambic pentameter. Blank verse does not have to rhyme. Thus: Your same words but in different format:

The people that you meet throughout your life
Who share your dreams; not only just the strife.
Who lend a heart; not only just a hand
to buffer all your tears as best they can.
They stand and cheer for all of your success
They sit and listen well what you confess
They never judge for that is not their way.
A pillar of support for you each day.

A lovely sentiment in your poem. Thanks for sharing it with me. Write on!


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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Word Count:

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing your poem, "Unicorns and metaphors" in conjunction with Game of Thrones. #2118157. Perhaps 'metaphor' should be capitalized?


The SUBJECT of your poem, Unicorns, interests me as you begin to describe what the unicorn reminds you of. A lush, pink carpet that you may sink your feet into. That is exactly how all those filaments attached to the mane of the Unicorn feel. It is a very colorful toy and the delicate filament on its mane contrasts with the hard, plastic body. It is a child's fantasy toy and very pretty with iridescent, sparkly eyes meant to enthrall.

The TONE or MOOD of your poem? I would say pleasant and meant to be fun. Kind of like a happy birthday atmosphere. And we can almost smell the fluffy, pink frosting on the cake that goes with such an animal. I like the words you choose to suggest what you are thinking as you view the unicorn: 'achromatic', 'ephemeral', 'amaranth'. Pretty, sparkly words

FAVORITE part of the poem: Last stanza as you become caught up in the fantasy of the object itself irrespective of metaphor.

SYNOPSIS: a fantasy poem written for a pink, fluffy birthday celebration.

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Review of Rise Up  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. #2127526 Characters: 1,491

Hello, my name is Casey and I am reviewing your short story, "Rise Up" in conjunction with Game of Thrones.


The TITLE, "Rise Up" is a good one as it states, well, the attitude of speaker in this short story which I would refer to as 'flash fiction' more than a "short story". Your OPENING: "The time has come to be true to myself, and to let go of those who would keep me down" is good but maybe you could have said something else just as apropos and left the reader to wonder what you were 'rising up' about. Example: "Sometimes it is best to take a stand!"


FIRST IMPRESSIONS: I really thought it was a girl speaking at first. Then I remembered the 'armor' you mention. Then I assumed it was a boy since girl's don't usually wear 'armor' unless they are Joan of Arc! What? Did I think it was a bunch of Medieval armor thrown across the bed? I don't know! As reader, I was confused as to gender of speaker in the piece. Well, of course, this is great if you want to build suspense.


FAVORITE section: When you start to apply make-up and mention how great is the Internet, I still did not catch on! I just thought it was a rather dumb girl that did not know how to apply make-up and was grateful for the help in applying eyeliner. I really don't think I realized gender until the father spoke! If you meant it to happen that way for reader, then you did a great job!

Suggestions: None, really, other than writing a more subtle blurb at beginning.
Great writing! I enjoyed it. Write on!
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Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Count: 2,010 without Writing ML

Daily Genre Review (psychology) 1172766 Title: “To Share in Your Garden” , “What could have been had she not been tempted by another.” You might grab more readers with a zippier title, for example, how about: "Escaping Eden!"

Hello, my name is Casey and this is a review in conjunction with the Game of Thrones.

First Stanza discusses what happens, psychologically, when 'eve' plays hard-to-get. It stirs the male imagination and makes him want that thing even more. Your poem is written in 'free verse'. It is very readable and flows well. I like it.

The speaker in the poem admits that, tho he is entrigued, momentarily, he is not prepared to go through all that 'frenzy' this encounter may involve. He needs an 'escape route' (just like a man) in case things do not work out. The speaker's attitude allows the reader to understand this guy is not looking to a positive outcome in his relationship with her in the first place.

Only place where I, the reader, am confused is where you say
“But how to find my way back to that entrance, the main gate? Or, do I jump the fence, AND hope that you won't chase me out? This guy is torn. He has mixed emotions about the whole thing.

Could you say ““or do I jump the fence, OR hope that you won't chase me out?”
It is an either/or situation right?
Last stanza seems to resolve the situation. “ok, I'll go!” IF you don't want me, but my feelings are important, too! Why is it that “EVE” always gets the blame for everything? Again, it is her fault that she betrays Adam and takes that first bite of the apple!

Of course, it was God that Eve betrayed by disobeying him. But, psychologically, Adam (in this poem) seems to take on the role of God, steps in for him and admonishes Eve for her fickle nature. I like your poem. An interesting take on how the other party might be seeing the situation and making a good effort to 'save face', just in case things don't work out.
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Review of First Apples  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Character Count: 2085

Review of "First Apples"
 First Apples  (E)
Entry for "The Writer's Cramp" Contest for 10/12/06 (1,034 words)
#1167233 by Budroe


This is a lovely, charming story about a young boy, an old man and a basket of apples.

Hi, my name is Casey and I am reviewing your short story in conjunction with Game of Thrones.

This review not the result of any 'assignment' in particular. I just, luckily, happened upon your story while looking to find a friend's entry in the daily Cramp Contest. Your TITLE: "First Applies" intrigued me in the beginning for I had just written a story about "Scarlett Apples". So, the coincidence made me read on. Anyway, that was my purpose in the beginning.

Your story has that QUALITY of personal, true-to-life, slice-of-life authenticity which made me read on. They say 'write what you know about' and there is truth in that. That old adage seems to work here though you, the writer, may not have actually experienced life in exactly the same way as this 8 year old child.

Your DESCRIPTION of PLACE rings of AUTHENTICITY. Description is vivid and the reader can see your country road on the way to the cluster of mailboxes. And the reader can "see" the old man sitting by the side of the road with his basket of green apples and an old tire swing. Part of my being able to envision this story is that for many years I lived in a little, mountainous town named Murphy, North Carolina and the country roads still look that way today. Of course, your Burpee Seed and Sears-Roebuck catalog seem to suggest an earlier time in our history.

CHARACTER is well-defined in your story: the 8 year old boy and the old man are well-depicted and believable and their relationship 'authentic'.

When reading a piece like you have written, the reader gets to feel that he has been allowed to share something wonderful the writer experienced; his memory of a time long past. The read is allowed to return to another, simpler time when life was lived in a less frantic way than we seem to be living today.

I totally enjoyed your story. I can find nothing that needs correcting. Well written.
Write on!
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Review of Wildflowers  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

Review of Short Story #916840 Character count: 1,344

Hello, My name is Casey. I am reviewing your short story entitled: "Wildflowers".
I chose it because with that title I assumed it would be a quaint, colorful little who-done-it for an old lady like myself to read.


Well, I knew it was a short story, but failed to notice the word, "horror". I mean what could be so horrible about an innocent field of beautiful, romantic wildflowers?

You set the scene, and I jumped right in, the innocent lamb to the slaughter.

Ah, yes, just another one of those playful, childhood ghost stories. Two young college kids find an old shack to play house in where they can smoke their pot.

SIMPLE LITTLE story, really. CONFLICT? Where? Ho-hum. Oh, right, someone else may be stopping by the house during the mid-week. Most probably a bunch of teens who are cavorting all over the place and tossing her books around! Your girlfriend, the one with all the chutzpah, has taken possession , in her mind anyway. The house belongs to her!

The MAIN CHARACTER has misgivings. Maybe we should just ignore them, says he, and share the place. After all, it is nothing but an old, abandoned shack and the kids have just as much right to be playing around there as they do! That girl of yours is ready to go after them and 'clean' house! She is so anxious to 'get them', she barely allows to drive up to the house before she is out of the car and gaining access without your help. She seems to have no fear as she assumes it is 'just a bunch of silly kids'. So she runs into a really big surprise none of us expect; not even the reader.

Meantime, BEST PART OF STORY is the fumbling around with that seat belt. That damn buckle is frozen in place and the reader is entirely sympathetic to his turmoil. A rising Hitchcock moment! Tension is boiling over. Nothing is heard from the girl! Is our hero a totally bumbling idiot? The reader is assuming no news is good news.

He finally enters house and finds her all bloody and dead? And now, trapped, he must find the car keys! At this point, the reader is still expectant of a more or less standard denouement. You know, someone comes running and screaming out of other part of house with chainsaw in his hands.

But no, not this author. He wants a Stephen King-“Carrie”-hand reaching up out of the dirt kind of ending.

So, there he lies as innocent as the beautiful, bloody wildflowers, armless and legless! OMG! Such a horribly successful ending! But now you have made me see the bloody scene and I will have nightmares tonight all because of your ridiculously horrible horror story!



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Review of Wildflowers  
Review by Casey
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T. Characters: 1,168
Review of Short Story, "Wildflowers"
Hello, my name is Casey and this is the 3rd of 5 Reviews of work in your portfolio for Game of Thrones.

Well, I knew it was a short story. I just failed to notice the word, “horror”. I mean what could be so horrible about an innocent field of beautiful, romantic wildflowers?

You set the scene, and I, in all innocence, become a lamb to the slaughter. I go right on reading and you have tricked me into continuing! If I know blood and gore are coming, I just close the book and read no further, coward that I am.

Ah, yes, just another one of those innocent, childhood ghost stories. Two young college students find an old shack to play house in where they can smoke their pot.

Such a simple little plot, really. Conflict? Where? Oh, right, someone else may be stopping by the house during the mid-week. Your girlfriend, the one with all the brass and chutzpah, has taken possession , in her mind anyway. The house belongs to her! And she does not like them tossing her books about! Returning to 'catch them in the act', she and the reader are in for a really big surprise! None of us are really 'ready' for this! None of us suspect something so horrible! Especially not the reader!

We are expecting some rowdy teenagers to be hiding in that house. You so cleverly 'plant' that idea in mind of reader that we barely know it is there! Awesome.

The most clever part of this story is that segment where you begin wrestling with that damnable safety belt. That was perfect and reasonable because we have all been there; done that. The reader is carried along with our hero as he struggles to release that buckle. Love the 'irony' of the 'safety' belt. Had a friend once. Cop. Racing to save a child in squad car, crashed, the safety belt almost cut him in half. Killed him. True story!

Ok, so she lying there all bloody and dead. And you've got to find those car keys, so the reader is still expecting some sort of logical ending. NOT!

And then we have a Stephen King-“Carrie”: that hand reaching up, out of the dirt...unforgetable!

And there our hero lies, almost as innocent as the flowers, armless and legless! OMG! Such a horribly successful ending! But now you have made me see that bloody scene and mixed it with all those lovely wildflowers and I will have nightmares tonight all because of your ridiculously horrible, horror story!

You should be against the law, scaring innocent old ladies like me!
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