I really liked the image this presents. In fact, I could see you drawing this out into an actual story with creatures that bear the names of the sins and literally fight.
Oh, and you wrote the word "for" twice at the beginning. And I think paragraphs would make this easier to read. Then again, maybe it's just my eyes petering out on me.
At any rate, I liked this idea. I hope you're able to work on it some more and turn it into something great!
I don't quite "get" the line, "he asked in a voice that voice that bled the tightly contained energy of a man with much power."
I think it needs some rephrasing.
After that, I think you should cut out the below:
--The teacher slowly scanned over the room with an eagle's perception, able to pick out any student eager to contribute.
Of which there were none.
The twenty or so students before him were unresponsive, to say the least. Worn down from a long day of maths and sciences, the kids in the class had little enthusiasm for the teacher's bestowal of knowledge. Most disconcerting was the desk in row three, forth from the right. This was where a green-maned lad of fourteen was practically lying on his desk, looking not only like he may start snoozing at any moment, but also like he desperately needed the nap.
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It flows better to go from the teacher asking for questions, to Andrew's disinterest. The POV stays constant, rather than suddenly shifting from teacher to student.
I would also cut both of the "thens" from this paragraph:
--Letting out a short breath of exasperation, Mr. Clark then proceeded towards the door. "The paper is due Friday, first five minutes of class. There will be no turning in assignments late." Opening the door, he then deftly stepped to his left. "You may go."
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I really liked this sentence:
--It was as if he was some sort of samurai schoolteacher, ready to test the blade of his yardstick on any unsavory student.
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Is slurmy a word? You wrote:
--Slick added, leaning forward with a slurmy smile smeared with taco sauce.
Perhaps you meant smarmy?
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Again, I'd take out the "then":
-- Andy watched with relief as the school sank into the distance, falling behind the hills like a sinking city. He then turned around towards the front of the car,
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I would take out "they had been driving for about half-a-minute when Andy started talking again"
I just don't think it's needed. The story flows just fine without that sentence.
-- They had been driving for about half-a-minute when Andy had started talking again. "It just...kinda hurts my head thinking about it," he murmured, almost to himself.
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This is the second time you've described Aunt Mary as turning towards the windshield, while driving. Maybe describe her attention to the road in a different way?
--"Okay, there's a peppermint," she said, turning back towards the windshield.
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All in all, this is a good story. Though I have to disagree with Aunt Mary...I think people can be easy to manipulate. And, like Andy, I also have a hard time "getting" the whole free-will philosophy.
I'm looking forwards to reading part 2!
You caught me, Jacky! I thought your character was remembering her failed, lost loves by planting flowers in their memory...it was with a guilty, evil laugh that I discovered they were literally a part of her garden!
Was this supposed to be an essay or a story?
It reads more like an essay, so if that's what you're going for then you did a good job!
If you're going for a story then you'll need to do a lot of re-writing. We need a character, setting, plot and conclusion. Perhaps you could tell the story from the perspective of one of the soldiers serving under Napoleon?
I've only read up to the "April 2014" break. I thought I'd review the little bit I've seen so far. :)
First, I think you should take the first part out. Everything up to your first journal entry. Just jump right into your story with no explanation! That first entry about you running for your undies will get your readers hooked and they'll keep reading! Trust me, that story had me both laughing and horrified the gall of Mr. Baldy.
Second, if this is supposed to read like a journal, you should break up the story and include more dates. Even if you can't remember the exact dates.
At one point you say, "We had no idea who the guy was or why he was sneaking around . . . until a week later."
At that point, you could start a new "chapter" or journal entry, explaining who Mr. Baldy is and all the hooey rules they expected y'all to follow.
As to those rules, I'd cut back on the details and simplify them more for the reader. Maybe write your counterpoints against them after listing them all?
Either way, that part feels like it needs some tweaking.
I would also suggest you cut out the explanations that are in parenthesis and find a different way to include those tidbits of info. It might be just me, but parenthesis in the middle of a story throw me off.
Oh, and while I haven't read the next section yet, I noticed you jumped from April 2014 to June 2013. Either that's a typo and you meant to say April 2013, or you're journal entries are skipping around through your story. I'd advice against the latter.
I plan to read more. So far, your adventure sounds interesting.
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