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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
You will never know how excited I was that somebody started a Dystopian/Apocalyptic contest. I had been considering doing it myself, a few years ago, but could never flesh it out.

One of my favorite genres are books that fit in the SHTF scenarios. End time, grid down, etc. etc. I find it extremely interesting diving into the life of a character in dire straights and "witnessing" how they survive.

Your contest is well laid out. Prizes are clear. Rules are clear.

Suggestions:

*Heart* The prompt is hard to find, as it's buried in the rules. I would create a dropnote just for the prompt or put it in a prominent spot on the page so a writer can see it at a glance.

*Heart* You have a dropnote list of winners, which is great. I would include the bitem link to their story, next to their name, so anyone who hasn't read the story can easily click and read.

*Heart* When you declare a winner it would be helpful if you posted a new message in the thread of your contest.

*Heart* Just for fun, you could include a countdown, um, counter. *Laugh* That way folks can tell when your contest is running and when a round ends.

Can't wait to see what the next prompt will be, in April!
Thank you for creating this contest!!




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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I believe I've been lurking or joining your contest since you started it, five years ago. Since the get-go I've enjoyed seeing the different kinds of prompts you put out. Trying to figure out a different angle and stretch my "sci fi-ness" has been a lot of fun.

One of the things I really like about this contest and the way you lay it out is how you write a little something as inspiration. My suggestion, though, would be to put your story under a dropnote, since it can sometimes be hard to separate it from the prompt. Doing so will "clean up" the layout a bit, as well, which makes it easier for writers to suss out all the pertinent information.

I have noticed entries seem kinda sparse but that happens to a lot of contests. Advertising in the news feed will help remind newbies and oldbies that this contest exists and, hopefully, draw more people to write. I mean, this is sci-fi! Everyone loves sci-fi. And those that don't are just weirdos! *Laugh*

Another suggestion would be to maybe increase your first prize. Or change it up every month. GPs as a prize one month, Merit Badge the next, etc.

All-in-all, love this contest. I look forward to the new prompt every month!




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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Got a good laugh from this conversation. At first I kept thinking, "But the dog's not talking!" *poutpoutpout* But then, the end and the reveal! It worked so well!

I also liked how Alfonzo called Skinfirth "Skinflint" *Laugh* And, of course, all the doggie puns were icing on the cake.

Here I was, hoping to have an easy win at this contest but then I've got this contender. *Wink*

I don't see anything that needs fixin' or improvement. Looks good!




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Review of Luck of the Bard  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
What lovely descriptions. I wanted to know more about Lyryk (beautiful name, by the way) and follow along to see what sorts of folks she would interact with but, while you had a great start to a story, it kinda just...ended abruptly. I was looking for a plot. Waiting to see what adventure(s) the bard might have, especially after having the luck of a shamrock grow near her. Honestly, I was disappointed that the story didn't go anywhere. What "luck" did she experience? I wanted to know. *Sad*

There was great potential here. I would have loved to read more but I understand how hard it can be to get a story in under 300 words.




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Review of The Experiment  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
As a Christ follower, this story really spoke to me. It is far to easy to let life get in the way of our relationship with Yahweh and I can't count how many times I've prayed, "If you just do 'this', then I'll do 'that'." sigh.

This was a good reminder that we should keep the promises we make with not only our Creator, but everyone else around us.

The end of this story, I was starting to feel skeptical like, "Uh, huh. Riiiight." But then the reveal of the nightmare and I was able to sink back into the fantasy. *Laugh* Got me there!

I didn't notice any spelling errors or grammatical mistakes. Loved how this was set in the future, with all the holograms and whatnot.




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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Honestly, I was looking for something to nitpick but, sheesh, you gave me nothing! Instead, I was immediately drawn in to this story and couldn't leave until I reached the end.

I loved how the culture is slowly revealed through action. Loved the description of the ram and how it was used as a lesson. The fight scene had me feeling like I was there, which is exactly how a reader should feel. The fear at the end when Emmit realizes what's going on and the shock of it all--as a parent, I could feel that.

So I guess I'm not much help, as you've obviously got this well in hand. Hopefully you'll write more about Richard and we readers can ride along on this adventure and see what happens next in this world!





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Review of YoungTown  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Kids surviving alone in the wild west? I love it! It is a wonderful concept and I found myself drawn in to their adventure.

I do have a couple of nitpicks that, hopefully, will be helpful:

*Bootl* In the fourth section, Jason says they have enough supplies and food to possibly last for years. I guess this can show how the kids don't fully understand the situation...that they can't rightly judge how much they actually have. But since they come across as fairly intelligent and competent I found myself feeling drawn out of the story and skeptical. Most of us know the pioneers could only carry so much food. It wouldn't have lasted years, as they had to resupply when they could and did a lot of hunting along the way. My suggestion would be to take out that particular comment.

*Bootr* In the fifth section the conversation with the outlaw seems strange. I don't understand why the kids would know who these men are or why they would say anything to Jason's face about "this being easy". It all seems a bit awkward. Though I do
love the confrontation, it just feels like it needs to be tweaked a bit. I also would have loved to read more and really get into the action of the kids defending themselves against these criminals.

*Bootl* Also in the fifth section, you have an out-of-place question mark. *Wink*

*Bootr* The jump from the fifth section to the sixth is a bit abrupt. Feels too rushed. I was expecting more adventure and drama and to experience all they experienced as they traveled to the new town. Did they lose any kids along the way to a snake bite, drowning, or dysentery? Were any romances formed along the way, among the older teens (completely plausible in that time era)? What happened when they sent out hunting parties? Did anyone try to challenge Jason's apparent leadership role?

*Bootl* Section seven, could I suggest the word "brushing off the dust" in lieu of "dusting off the dust"? Or maybe "swiping off the dust"? I do love that the kids realize they are just as able as the adults to build. Kids from that time era seemed to be more responsible and have more experience in survival than those in this current time.

*Bootr* I don't really understand why the kids can't turn the outlaws in for a reward. Is it because they're trying to stay hidden from the adults out in the world or do they not know how or who to send to fetch back the law from another town or...? And the reference to the parent's tech...now I'm a bit confused. I had assumed this was historical fiction but now...?? What tech did the parents have that the kids don't? This could open up a big ole can of worms in the story plot. I would love to see that angle wriggle it's way into the story.

*Bootl* Love the twist of the Indian kids joining the town. This could bring all sorts of adventures into the story.

*Bootr* One big thing that stuck out to me was how formally the kids spoke. They all sounded the same. I would have loved to "hear" some differences in voice. A boy with a lisp or a gal that says "yer" instead of "your", etc. I also was hoping to "see" more of the scene. What's around them? Does the quilt the kids huddle under while sitting in front of the fire feel itchy? I want to smell the smoke that's wafting from the campfire into the kids' faces. I want to hear the horses stamping and neighing.

*Bootl* This story has left me wondering what those kids are doing. I want to jump into that world and watch as they learn and grow and love and betray each other. This truly was a great idea and with some fleshing out, I could see it as a successful YA book.


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Review of Truth  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a good start for a high schooler. I've always enjoyed reading essays/articles from others and seeing how they "persuade" or explain.

I have a few thoughts. Hopefully you find them helpful:

You can expand this article/essay by including more information such as, what holy books are you speaking of? As a Christian my first thought went to the Bible but I can't remember an instance where it was said that "truth" would be lost by the end of this era. However, it is speculated in Luke 18:8 that when the Son of Man returns, faith might not be found any longer. At any rate, clarification at the beginning can help those with preconceived notions. *Wink*

You say
"humanity has already ended". This would be a great place to explain further and provide links proving this statement. When I look up the word "humanity", for example, it means, "the human race; human beings collectively". And it's fairly obvious that the human race is still thriving. Again, clarification on what you mean here can be helpful to persuade others of your opinion and reduce confusion. How has humanity ended?

"Everyone is talking false." This is a pretty absolute statement. Everyone? Really? *Eyesleft*
"Truth is bitter but is the way to salvation and heaven."
These two statements above seem to contradict each other. How can one obtain salvation through truth if everybody is speaking false?
Does this mean, in your opinion, that there is no hope for salvation for anyone?

I have heard honesty is the best policy but I've never heard
truth is the best policy. Here, you could use the better known saying about honesty and then explain further how it is potentially lacking in fullness.

All-in-all, there is great potential here for expansion and clarification. Provide research links to back up your claims and don't be afraid to quote the holy books that you are using. *Bigsmile*

Oh, and



to WDC!




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Review of A Wish come true  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.0)
Pssst! you need to bold that last line or you'll be disqualified at the Writer's Cramp!


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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This was an amazing story. Gave the feel of Frank Peretti's books: This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness. I think we often forget there is a spiritual war literally going on around us.

A few notes:
The title has to be "A Dream Come True", or you'll be disqualified at the Writer's Cramp.

Also, the bolded line, "this must be a parallel universe" has to be the last line of the story or, again, Writer's Cramp will disqualify you.

Your first paragraph you write, "all would acknowledge his rain" it should be "reign".

I like you you use the Bible as inspiration for many of your stories.
Good luck at the Cramp!
*Bigsmile*



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Review of A Villain's Game  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
All those poor unfortunate souls to defeat! I love how the reader dives straight into the drama and adventure. I could see you stretching this out into a longer series. It certainly is an interesting concept!

Nitpicking a teeny bit...the f bomb almost threw me off. I know it makes the character more "real", however you'll be able to draw in younger readers if you craft the language differently.

I would love to read a sequel to this and find out if Ursula triumphs over all!
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Review of Wheel of Fortune  Open in new Window.
for entry "December 3, 2018Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write.

I had to look up "rutilant" and I think I've fallen in love with the word. You have painted a beautiful picture, one that can be easily seen in the minds-eye. I want to jump into the scene and walk through the field of sunflowers (well, as long as there aren't any spiders...my brother used to grow sunflowers and we'd get the biggest, ugliest spiders hanging out on them *Spider*)

I thought, at first, that you meant
Grandmother's Oak but quickly caught on that the Oak is being likened to a spirit/being given a human attribute. Fitting that she would be a grandmother. I can just picture the tree as such, taking care of whatever critters cross her path.

I can see why you won (er, tied)! This was very well done.




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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write.

Okay, I absolutely loved this short entry. In my opinion, it is an AWESOME prompt for a story. There are so many ways a story could travel with a prompt like this. It would be a fun one to write — make so many people wiggle and squirm! *Laugh*

As an aside, it's sad that comments like the one in your prompt are becoming the norm. Old fashioned values are snubbed. Reminds me of Isaiah 5:20:
Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
All the old, wholesome values are viewed as evil and the immoral junk has been lifted onto a pedestal to be worshiped. sigh.

My only suggestion would be to capitalize the word "You" and I think the second comma (the one after "her"), isn't necessary. I may be wrong, but that second comma should be a period...*Think*

Now I wonder, are the prompts at the Prompt Me Contest free to use or are they copyright protected? Also, have you thought of writing a story using your own prompt? I can see writing something that really clashes with the PC-ness of this day and age!

Anywho, loved it! Hope you win the current round at Prompt Me!


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64
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Review of Wheel of Fortune  Open in new Window.
for entry "November 23, 2018Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write.

Ah, snow is such a magical element. We used to live in an area that would, on occasion, snow. The kids loved it. Now we live near the coast and we don't get snow. *Sad*

I love how you see the flurries of "snow" in the feathers of the birds. I had to look up the word "scoggins" as I had never heard of it before. A jester, eh? Learned something new today! I don't understand what the
"machine made in white in Golden Gate" is, though.

The snow globe at the end of this poem made for a perfect ending. I can see why you won first place at bobturn's contest!





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Review of I Write In 2018  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write.

Great use of the prompt word. No spelling or punctuation errors.

My first thought when reading this poem was about the caravan of folks hoping to flood into the U.S. Will our country be "forced to cede control" to the illegal immigrants or will we hold fast to immigration law?

This poem can have a myriad of meanings. It really makes one think.





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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write

This poem gives a strong sense of patriotic emotion. I don't know many who have served for our country, but this piece is a good reminder that there are those out there that fight for our freedoms and that many that return are never the same, whether mentally or physically.

Great job using the prompt words. No spelling or punctuation errors that I could see.

One idea I had...if you somehow format the lines so that they fade from red, to white, to blue, it would look pretty cool. Though I'm not sure how the white would stand out. Maybe highlight the whole piece? Or, perhaps, color the bolded words red and blue? Just a silly, fun thought.

I think this poem would be a good one to share again on Veteran's Day. I wonder, even, if it could be published in the newspaper on that day?

Beautiful job!



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Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Aw, upsetjosiah! How can I read on when you don't have anything else to read about this amazing character you created? Granted, you just posted this alluring tidbit yesterday but it's such a fascinating idea that I impatiently want more! Most people, when they create a character that lives forever, tend to make them vampires. I like the take you have, that Josh lives so long because of his scientist father. I'm curious, though. Why didn't Josh's father take the potion as well?

I was wondering, is this story going to be told in a Dear Diary sort of way? If so, telling the story is just fine. If not, I would suggest showing more. Don't give us readers all the information at once. It can be too hard to digest. Instead, let us learn who Josh is and why he's so old through the events and actions of the story. Let it unfold naturally.

I have so many questions about this future you've created!

*Questiony* How is it that everyone has their own mansion and servants? Is it a socialistic society? Except, there are servants...hmmmm. *Confused* Do the servants have their own mansions?

*Questiono* Does everyone have the ability to live forever, or just Josh?

*Questionb* If Josh is the only one that lives forever, do other people know? Do they ever wonder why this apparent 13-year-old kid never grows up? Is he at risk from the government to be tested on so the secrets of his youth can be extracted and sold/given to others?

*Questiong* Can Josh be killed via accident or is he completely invincible?

*Questionp* Since every non-living thing is made of gold, when the sun shines, does it blind people since it's reflecting off all that precious metal? Are there any diamonds or emeralds? That would be such a pretty city!

*Questionr* Where did the plants go? What happened to the world that only Texas is left? How many people are left to live on the land?

*Questiono* If there aren't plants, how do animals or people get food?

*Questionbr* Do the oceans still exist? If so, do some people live on boats on the water?

*Questiony* Why were super heroes created? Is there a lot of crime in future-TX?

Whew! My mind is racing! I can't wait to see how Josh's adventures play out. I'll be keeping tabs, now that you've lured me in.

See ya around! Oh, and don't forget to fill out your bio/bio block so all of us here at WDC can get to know you a bit better!





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Review of Unknown  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC, Alisha. This is a great place to grow as a writer. There are a lot of fun contests (where you can win GPs, Merit Badges, and Awardicons) and plenty of folks that quickly become friends.

I see this is your first story. One of the big things WDC is here for is reviewing others, so I thought I'd jump in and review your story.

Well, I'm assuming this is a rough draft or the beginnings of a piece since I never read any actual romance between the rock star and fan. If that's the case, and you're not ready for everyone to see what you're doing, you can edit your entry and switch it to PRIVATE. That way only you can see it until you're ready for WDC to jump in with their thoughts and ideas.

To be honest, the beginning feels a bit...slow. I was looking for more action throughout the conversations. Is the cruise waiting area outside or inside (humor me, I've never been on a cruise before)? *Bigsmile* Are Caleb and Mason sitting or pacing? What do they see? What do they smell? Does one of the brothers gesture a lot with his hands when he speaks? Do they fidget with their bags? Take pictures with their phones? Show me the scene.

Also, I was a bit confused when Audriana said,
"The guy I saw definitely didn't have any security with him, just a teenaged kid." Who's the teen? Mason is obviously older since he's married getting divorced and has kids. Caleb couldn't be the teen because Audriana said she thought her rock star hero was traveling with a teen. And Caleb and Mason didn't mention anyone else traveling with them. So...??

To get the reader immediately into the adventure, might I suggest an action scene? Or perhaps some comedy? The backstory of how Caleb and Mason came to go on a cruise together can be revealed later. For now, I'd love to see Caleb somehow rescue Audriana during the first scene—or maybe her friend. Or someone completely unexpected. Something that draws attention to him that's funny. Maybe something that makes him groan with disbelief that's he's in the limelight again.
Have something "crazy" happen at the beginning that makes the reader want to keep reading. As it is, I kept waiting for something interesting to happen and when it didn't, I felt cheated.

Yikes. I know this comes across as negative. I hate that it does. I see great potential in this little snippet of a story, it just needs work (like all our stories do!). There could be a timeless romance just on the horizon with this UKNOWN story...I'll be interested to see how this progresses and how Caleb and Audriana bump into each other.

Oh, on a completely different note, don't forget to fill out your bio so folks can get to know you a bit better!

See you around!



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Review of Halcyon ecstasy  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, J.C.Keenan. This piece of yours was interesting. When you mentioned how negative thoughts can lead to health issues, it reminded me of Proverbs 17:22, in the Bible, where we're told, A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I've also read that 80% of our 70,000 daily thoughts are negative. Yikes! I agree journaling can be a good way to express our innermost thoughts and exam ourselves. Another way of combating negative thoughts, so I've heard, is to write down the blessings in one's life. Again, I can't help but think of that spot in the Bible where it says,
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. — Philippians 4:8

A couple of things:

The very first sentence has an unnecessary comma. Your third sentence also has an unnecessary comma. That sentence is also missing a word:
"There's a lot to talk about but I don't want to mention his name..."


Under The Beginning, I would take out the last little sentence: "Can't blame him though..." Feels like there should be more there. That the sentence is leading into something more. Instead, I'm left hanging.

If you're looking for a more "essay" approach to this subject, you could research how keeping a journal helps control negative thoughts. Oh, and give sources as to how health is linked to negativity.

You know, depression and anxiety can sometimes be cause by poor diet. I get that social anxiety is different than "regular" anxiety. I have a friend, I'll call him...Steve...and while he's comfortable with his immediate family and has made a few close friends, he struggles with meeting groups of people. Personally, I grew up pretty shy, myself. It wasn't until I got married that I lost some of my social anxiety. It's not completely gone, but it's not nearly as bad. I think having kids also forces one to "get over" that anxiety.
But I digress.
As I struggle with anxiety, I've done a lot of reading on it and much of it is triggered by diet. Does Jon drink a lot of alcohol? Eat a lot of foods with sugar? Take in too much caffeine? Is he low in Vitamin D and Magnesium? Those are all depression/anxiety triggers. Since many of us don't absorb nutrients like we should, it could be that Jon is just lacking in that department. Worth looking into at any rate, as it could be a simple fix.

Alrighty, gettin' off my soap box now.

I've enjoyed looking into this topic and your thoughts on it.
Hope to see you around WDC more! Oh, check out some of the contests here. They're a lot of fun and you can win GPs, Merit Badges, and Awardicons!
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Review of Almost Perfect  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Aw, that ending! I knew you were building up to something, since the character was eagerly counting down the hours to see her love. While I suspected he might be a big, fat cheater there was still a piece of me that thought it could be something else. That perhaps he would die before 3pm. Ah, well.

As an aside, you left the ending in a way that could be interpreted several different ways. For example, it could be the woman is his sister, cousin, or old friend. And since the kiss isn't described as being romantic, it could be that he gave her a friendly kiss on the forehead or cheek. All of which would still lead the character to think he betrayed her.

I liked how descriptive you were at the beginning. Later, though, I felt the description of the character's clothes didn't add anything. Though the comment about the specks of gold in her eyes, so says the boyfriend, adds to the future drama and heartache.

Something I would cut out:{c}
I smile as I imagine his bright blue eyes in my mind. His smile filling every section of my brain. — Telling us she imagines his smile is enough. Adding "in my mind" feels redundant. The next sentence you mention her brain again. It's too much. Instead, I might say something like: "His smile flooded my heart with giddy joy."

Can I say I enjoyed this story when I know the main character ended up heartbroken at the end, or is that just mean? *Laugh*




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Review of Teriam  Open in new Window.
Review by Genipher Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC, caitlin!
I'm trotting around the newbie area, checking out the writings, and came across this piece of yours. I thought I'd toss out some pointers, take them as you will. *Wink*

First of all, when you list your genres you should rarely, if ever, use "other" as your first choice. Reviewers often search for stories, poems, etc. to read based off that first choice and "other" doesn't tell us much. I would list "ghost" or "death" first.

Secondly, you don't have to repeat the title in the body of your work.

As to your actual story, the ending was pretty creepy. I certainly wasn't expecting Kate's killer to be Anna's step-mother!

Just a reminder...make sure you have your capitalization in order. After someone speaks, the first word should always be capitalized. Sometimes we can get in a hurry to post and miss that, no biggie. It's easy to go back and edit.

I would take out
Later that day and 30 minutes later, in rose garden park. It takes the reader out of the story. Instead, transition to the new location using the character's movements or words. For example,

"You have to come with me, I can't do this alone." Kate said as she left the room. Anna followed her best friend to Rose Garden Park. The thirty minute walk left her wondering what kind of help Kate needed. As they entered the park, she saw why Kate had brought her there...

*QuestionY* Question: How is it Kate can hand Anna a gun but she can't pull the trigger herself? As a spirit, could Kate even hold a gun?

*Questiono* Question: Why is Anna's step-mother in the park?

*Questionr* Question: When Kate was killed, was the house searched for a murder weapon? Look into how a crime is investigated and give us some more detail in that area. If Anna's family is ruled out as suspects, then it leads to a bigger reveal at the end.

Also, most people (especially a teen, as I'm assuming Anna is) would have a hard time walking up to a stranger and shooting them. I have a hard time believing Anna would just go up and kill someone that easily. Does Anna really believe Kate is there and that she's not hallucinating? And if the spirit of Kate is real, how does Anna know she can trust her? Human nature dictates there would be a measure of doubt in Anna's mind. She might even think she was going nuts. That there would be hesitation...

I could see this being fleshed out into a longer story. A little backstory, some insight into Anna and her mom's relationship, maybe even a hint as to why Kate was killed could really add to the drama.

On a completely different *Music1*, you should check out some of the contests. They're a great way to earn GPs, Merit Badges, and Awardicons and the different prompts really get the imagination flowing. Also, if you set up your bio, we can get to know you better.

Later!




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Rated: E | (3.5)
Howdy! I'm not much of a cat lover but I found your short story very sweet. I love how Loki "betrayed his brother" by placing his paw on Tony's head when the vase got broken. And how cat-mom asked them who did it. *Laugh*

The ending was unexpected and sad but I thought it fitting that Loki would adopt the new fella so easily. In honor of his brother. *Sad*

I read you wanted this to be a short animation clip. I'm not sure how that whole system works...did you send this out as a pitch? I think with a few more twists (I'm thinking of the Pixar short Feast) this could be a winner. You could always put this on WDC's
 
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page. With the note that you're hoping to turn this into a short, you could get some good ideas on how to flesh it out more or how to present it to Pixar or something.

See you around!{/size]


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Welcome to WDC, newbie! I'm making my rounds and spotted your short story. One of the great things about this site is the ability to learn and grow in our writing. I hope my thoughts will help with your work.

So, I'm not sure if you're a non-english speaker (which reminds me, if you take the time to fill out your bio we can get to know you a bit better *Smile*) but this short story is hard to understand. It reads more like notes than a story. As I read, I found myself getting more and more confused.

At one point you wrote
I am only survivor of this earth. If Mr. S is the only survivor, how would he know he was telepathic? If he's the only survivor, where did Mr. Rayan come from?

Overall, I had to go back and re-read this "story" 3-4 times and even then, I'm left wondering what this story it was supposed to be about. As notes, it's great but as a story? Well, it needs work. But that's what we do as authors, right? Write, write, and rewrite!

Hope to see you around at WDC. There are a lot of contests to enter and friends to make. *Bigsmile* See ya later!





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Welcome to WDC! I was poking my head into the newbie section and came across this piece of yours.

I find myself seeing this allegory in several ways. My first thought was of Matthew 9:7, where Jesus tells his disciples,
"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few." It is good to be reminded that there are others out there that need Jesus. I know as Christians, it's too easy to stay in our own, secure bubble and not reach out. As we're told in 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, we each have a job to do to get the harvest ready so Yahweh can make it grow.

On the flip side, if we are the harvest, the good wheat (or corn, in this instance *Bigsmile*, then we can't be lost by the wayside. John 6:39
And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day.

At any rate, I love the allegory and I love how you got me thinking and delving into the Word today. It's amazing how we can see the work of Yahweh around us in simple, everyday things, eh?




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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is for I Write.

I tried this form of poetry recently. Not sure if it's just that I'm not good at poetry or what, but I found it hard to get the rhyming scheme down. You did a marvelous job following the "abacadaba" rules.

I was wondering, though, did you write "hell-a" in a different blue font on purpose? Or was it supposed to be bolded and you forgot? The difference in color/boldness makes the word stand out more...draws more attention to itself.

Also, the line:
She served like a slave but would never tell-a I don't "get". Tell-a what? If you don't mind me sticking my fingers into your work, I'd change that one line to something like, "She worked like a slave, singing a Capella". Because we all know Cindy sang while she worked, right? Or was that the dwarves in Snow White? Hmmmm....*Bigsmile**Laugh*

At any rate, I liked this poem. I can't even tell you changed it from free verse to rhyming (I didn't see your original version). Looks like you wrote it the correct way the first time. *Wink*

Good luck in the contest!




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