This story, er, novel? has great potential. It's a unique idea that many teens and older would love to read.
However, as all authors know, there's always a big "but" that comes with rough drafts. That's to be expected, right? So here's my big ole but. Take from it what you will.
Prologue
The dove alit upon a branch close to the young man and sung sang sweetly. The man turned his eyes to her and smiled warmly. — How does one "smile warmly"? Show, don't tell.
"Hello(,) little dove. How are you this fine morning?" He asked her. — The "he asked her" isn't necessary. Coupled with the dove's actions, the reader clearly knows who is talking.
That may seem crazy, but trust me, I am very used to crazy by now." The man informed the bird in a conspiritual conspiratorial manner. — How do you inform in a "conspiratorial manner"? Does he wink? Lean forward and whisper? Wiggle his eyebrows? Show, don't tell.
This should be the start of a new paragraph —The bird laughed again in her high-pitched chirp and before his eyes changed into a beautiful girl . . .
Uh, oh! You changed POV! — As he stared, shocked, into her eyes, he found that they were the same blue as the deepest parts of the ocean. . .
"I very much understand you(,) sir. In fact, I believe your uncle to be right. We'll have a beautifully, warm summer yet." She told the man. — Again, we know dove-girl is the one speaking. "She told the man." isn't necessary and the readers can immerse themselves better if it is left out.
Now, I see that dove-girl reprimands the man for swinging her around but I found myself a bit irked at this part. The reader wants to believe a story can really happen. They want to be the character. It is difficult to believe a man would swing a strange, beautiful girl around in his arms. It is also difficult to believe that the woman would accept such an action, no matter how handsome the man!
"Oh(,) my dove, I think we are going to have a lovely time together." He said jubilantly before setting her down gently. — How does one say something "jubilantly"? Show, don't tell.
As an aside, I wanted to point out the many adverbs in this piece. Some authors have no problem peppering their stories with "ly" words (I'm reminded of the book, Redwall). Other authors say "ly" words create a lazy author and that there are better ways to phrase a sentence. I have to admit, I lean toward the latter camp. So this is just my opinion but your story could be improved by cutting out some adverbs.
"You are absolutely right(,) dove," he bowed deeply, making the girl blush(,)(.) "William Hale, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you."
"My name is Elizabeth Winter. I am just dying to learn more about you(,) William."
The last paragraph in the prologue leans heavily on telling, rather than showing. The reader wants to experience the story as it progresses, through Elizabeth's experiences and memories, not be told what will eventually happen. I would take this last paragraph out.
I know from experience how overwhelming it can be to get an in-depth review. I've had several stories that almost covered my stories with that dreaded "red ink" When I have the time, I go back and fix my mistakes. I'm still learning (commas are my kryptonite!). That said, I'm only reviewing your prologue for now for easy "digestibility". I'll send a separate review for Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 later.
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