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Review of Unknown  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC, Alisha. This is a great place to grow as a writer. There are a lot of fun contests (where you can win GPs, Merit Badges, and Awardicons) and plenty of folks that quickly become friends.

I see this is your first story. One of the big things WDC is here for is reviewing others, so I thought I'd jump in and review your story.

Well, I'm assuming this is a rough draft or the beginnings of a piece since I never read any actual romance between the rock star and fan. If that's the case, and you're not ready for everyone to see what you're doing, you can edit your entry and switch it to PRIVATE. That way only you can see it until you're ready for WDC to jump in with their thoughts and ideas.

To be honest, the beginning feels a bit...slow. I was looking for more action throughout the conversations. Is the cruise waiting area outside or inside (humor me, I've never been on a cruise before)? *Bigsmile* Are Caleb and Mason sitting or pacing? What do they see? What do they smell? Does one of the brothers gesture a lot with his hands when he speaks? Do they fidget with their bags? Take pictures with their phones? Show me the scene.

Also, I was a bit confused when Audriana said,
"The guy I saw definitely didn't have any security with him, just a teenaged kid." Who's the teen? Mason is obviously older since he's married getting divorced and has kids. Caleb couldn't be the teen because Audriana said she thought her rock star hero was traveling with a teen. And Caleb and Mason didn't mention anyone else traveling with them. So...??

To get the reader immediately into the adventure, might I suggest an action scene? Or perhaps some comedy? The backstory of how Caleb and Mason came to go on a cruise together can be revealed later. For now, I'd love to see Caleb somehow rescue Audriana during the first scene—or maybe her friend. Or someone completely unexpected. Something that draws attention to him that's funny. Maybe something that makes him groan with disbelief that's he's in the limelight again.
Have something "crazy" happen at the beginning that makes the reader want to keep reading. As it is, I kept waiting for something interesting to happen and when it didn't, I felt cheated.

Yikes. I know this comes across as negative. I hate that it does. I see great potential in this little snippet of a story, it just needs work (like all our stories do!). There could be a timeless romance just on the horizon with this UKNOWN story...I'll be interested to see how this progresses and how Caleb and Audriana bump into each other.

Oh, on a completely different note, don't forget to fill out your bio so folks can get to know you a bit better!

See you around!



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Review of Halcyon ecstasy  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, J.C.Keenan. This piece of yours was interesting. When you mentioned how negative thoughts can lead to health issues, it reminded me of Proverbs 17:22, in the Bible, where we're told, A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I've also read that 80% of our 70,000 daily thoughts are negative. Yikes! I agree journaling can be a good way to express our innermost thoughts and exam ourselves. Another way of combating negative thoughts, so I've heard, is to write down the blessings in one's life. Again, I can't help but think of that spot in the Bible where it says,
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. — Philippians 4:8

A couple of things:

The very first sentence has an unnecessary comma. Your third sentence also has an unnecessary comma. That sentence is also missing a word:
"There's a lot to talk about but I don't want to mention his name..."


Under The Beginning, I would take out the last little sentence: "Can't blame him though..." Feels like there should be more there. That the sentence is leading into something more. Instead, I'm left hanging.

If you're looking for a more "essay" approach to this subject, you could research how keeping a journal helps control negative thoughts. Oh, and give sources as to how health is linked to negativity.

You know, depression and anxiety can sometimes be cause by poor diet. I get that social anxiety is different than "regular" anxiety. I have a friend, I'll call him...Steve...and while he's comfortable with his immediate family and has made a few close friends, he struggles with meeting groups of people. Personally, I grew up pretty shy, myself. It wasn't until I got married that I lost some of my social anxiety. It's not completely gone, but it's not nearly as bad. I think having kids also forces one to "get over" that anxiety.
But I digress.
As I struggle with anxiety, I've done a lot of reading on it and much of it is triggered by diet. Does Jon drink a lot of alcohol? Eat a lot of foods with sugar? Take in too much caffeine? Is he low in Vitamin D and Magnesium? Those are all depression/anxiety triggers. Since many of us don't absorb nutrients like we should, it could be that Jon is just lacking in that department. Worth looking into at any rate, as it could be a simple fix.

Alrighty, gettin' off my soap box now.

I've enjoyed looking into this topic and your thoughts on it.
Hope to see you around WDC more! Oh, check out some of the contests here. They're a lot of fun and you can win GPs, Merit Badges, and Awardicons!
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Review of Almost Perfect  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Aw, that ending! I knew you were building up to something, since the character was eagerly counting down the hours to see her love. While I suspected he might be a big, fat cheater there was still a piece of me that thought it could be something else. That perhaps he would die before 3pm. Ah, well.

As an aside, you left the ending in a way that could be interpreted several different ways. For example, it could be the woman is his sister, cousin, or old friend. And since the kiss isn't described as being romantic, it could be that he gave her a friendly kiss on the forehead or cheek. All of which would still lead the character to think he betrayed her.

I liked how descriptive you were at the beginning. Later, though, I felt the description of the character's clothes didn't add anything. Though the comment about the specks of gold in her eyes, so says the boyfriend, adds to the future drama and heartache.

Something I would cut out:{c}
I smile as I imagine his bright blue eyes in my mind. His smile filling every section of my brain. — Telling us she imagines his smile is enough. Adding "in my mind" feels redundant. The next sentence you mention her brain again. It's too much. Instead, I might say something like: "His smile flooded my heart with giddy joy."

Can I say I enjoyed this story when I know the main character ended up heartbroken at the end, or is that just mean? *Laugh*




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Review of Teriam  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC, caitlin!
I'm trotting around the newbie area, checking out the writings, and came across this piece of yours. I thought I'd toss out some pointers, take them as you will. *Wink*

First of all, when you list your genres you should rarely, if ever, use "other" as your first choice. Reviewers often search for stories, poems, etc. to read based off that first choice and "other" doesn't tell us much. I would list "ghost" or "death" first.

Secondly, you don't have to repeat the title in the body of your work.

As to your actual story, the ending was pretty creepy. I certainly wasn't expecting Kate's killer to be Anna's step-mother!

Just a reminder...make sure you have your capitalization in order. After someone speaks, the first word should always be capitalized. Sometimes we can get in a hurry to post and miss that, no biggie. It's easy to go back and edit.

I would take out
Later that day and 30 minutes later, in rose garden park. It takes the reader out of the story. Instead, transition to the new location using the character's movements or words. For example,

"You have to come with me, I can't do this alone." Kate said as she left the room. Anna followed her best friend to Rose Garden Park. The thirty minute walk left her wondering what kind of help Kate needed. As they entered the park, she saw why Kate had brought her there...

*QuestionY* Question: How is it Kate can hand Anna a gun but she can't pull the trigger herself? As a spirit, could Kate even hold a gun?

*Questiono* Question: Why is Anna's step-mother in the park?

*Questionr* Question: When Kate was killed, was the house searched for a murder weapon? Look into how a crime is investigated and give us some more detail in that area. If Anna's family is ruled out as suspects, then it leads to a bigger reveal at the end.

Also, most people (especially a teen, as I'm assuming Anna is) would have a hard time walking up to a stranger and shooting them. I have a hard time believing Anna would just go up and kill someone that easily. Does Anna really believe Kate is there and that she's not hallucinating? And if the spirit of Kate is real, how does Anna know she can trust her? Human nature dictates there would be a measure of doubt in Anna's mind. She might even think she was going nuts. That there would be hesitation...

I could see this being fleshed out into a longer story. A little backstory, some insight into Anna and her mom's relationship, maybe even a hint as to why Kate was killed could really add to the drama.

On a completely different *Music1*, you should check out some of the contests. They're a great way to earn GPs, Merit Badges, and Awardicons and the different prompts really get the imagination flowing. Also, if you set up your bio, we can get to know you better.

Later!




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Review of Kitty  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Howdy! I'm not much of a cat lover but I found your short story very sweet. I love how Loki "betrayed his brother" by placing his paw on Tony's head when the vase got broken. And how cat-mom asked them who did it. *Laugh*

The ending was unexpected and sad but I thought it fitting that Loki would adopt the new fella so easily. In honor of his brother. *Sad*

I read you wanted this to be a short animation clip. I'm not sure how that whole system works...did you send this out as a pitch? I think with a few more twists (I'm thinking of the Pixar short Feast) this could be a winner. You could always put this on WDC's
 
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page. With the note that you're hoping to turn this into a short, you could get some good ideas on how to flesh it out more or how to present it to Pixar or something.

See you around!{/size]


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Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC, newbie! I'm making my rounds and spotted your short story. One of the great things about this site is the ability to learn and grow in our writing. I hope my thoughts will help with your work.

So, I'm not sure if you're a non-english speaker (which reminds me, if you take the time to fill out your bio we can get to know you a bit better *Smile*) but this short story is hard to understand. It reads more like notes than a story. As I read, I found myself getting more and more confused.

At one point you wrote
I am only survivor of this earth. If Mr. S is the only survivor, how would he know he was telepathic? If he's the only survivor, where did Mr. Rayan come from?

Overall, I had to go back and re-read this "story" 3-4 times and even then, I'm left wondering what this story it was supposed to be about. As notes, it's great but as a story? Well, it needs work. But that's what we do as authors, right? Write, write, and rewrite!

Hope to see you around at WDC. There are a lot of contests to enter and friends to make. *Bigsmile* See ya later!





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Review of The Crop  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC! I was poking my head into the newbie section and came across this piece of yours.

I find myself seeing this allegory in several ways. My first thought was of Matthew 9:7, where Jesus tells his disciples,
"The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few." It is good to be reminded that there are others out there that need Jesus. I know as Christians, it's too easy to stay in our own, secure bubble and not reach out. As we're told in 1 Corinthians 3:6-9, we each have a job to do to get the harvest ready so Yahweh can make it grow.

On the flip side, if we are the harvest, the good wheat (or corn, in this instance *Bigsmile*, then we can't be lost by the wayside. John 6:39
And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day.

At any rate, I love the allegory and I love how you got me thinking and delving into the Word today. It's amazing how we can see the work of Yahweh around us in simple, everyday things, eh?




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for entry "My Cinderella Poem
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is for I Write.

I tried this form of poetry recently. Not sure if it's just that I'm not good at poetry or what, but I found it hard to get the rhyming scheme down. You did a marvelous job following the "abacadaba" rules.

I was wondering, though, did you write "hell-a" in a different blue font on purpose? Or was it supposed to be bolded and you forgot? The difference in color/boldness makes the word stand out more...draws more attention to itself.

Also, the line:
She served like a slave but would never tell-a I don't "get". Tell-a what? If you don't mind me sticking my fingers into your work, I'd change that one line to something like, "She worked like a slave, singing a Capella". Because we all know Cindy sang while she worked, right? Or was that the dwarves in Snow White? Hmmmm....*Bigsmile**Laugh*

At any rate, I liked this poem. I can't even tell you changed it from free verse to rhyming (I didn't see your original version). Looks like you wrote it the correct way the first time. *Wink*

Good luck in the contest!




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Review of Through the Mist  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is for I Write.

*Leafo* This poem reminds me of when I lived in the country with my dad. I can almost smell that crisp, morning autumn air and see the fog resting on the mountains.

My favorite part is the third stanza. The way the cold spreads like a "screech too shrill" gave me, as Anne of Green Gables says, "such a thrill!"

No spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors and I couldn't find anything else to nitpick. Loved it all! *Leafr*




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Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is for I Write. I apologize for the lateness.

There was a lot of great imagery in this poem. I especially loved the lines:

A greenish tinge turns the clouds to a sinister hue
and
And it is vindictive.
Like an angry child releasing its vengeance


I can just imagine a tornado acting like a cranky toddler. Maybe that's why my house can become a wreck so quickly: the tornado toddler!

Spelling looked great. Ditto for grammar. The punctuation felt off. For example, the above verses? It feels like it should flow like this, instead:

And it is vindictive(.)
Like an angry child releasing its vengeance
(.)
I'd either take out all the punctuation or go back and check it over again.

Besides that one little nitpick, this piece was marvelous!




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Review of I Write In 2018  
for entry "The Cabin
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is for I Write.

I think you did a great job with the prompt. You really drew me in to the story. I found myself trying to rush my reading to find out what had happened to put Frank and the main character into a life and death situation.

A few punctuation fix'its:


I got the fire started(,) and filled a pot with snow. — No comma needed.

"You aren't making any sense(.)," I told Frank when he jabbered. — I believe there should be a comma after the main character speaks, instead of a period.

Being hurt made it worse(,). but aAs I curled myself around Frank's big body to keep us warm I prayed morning would bring help. — This sentence seemed off to me. I think it would sound better if it was separated into two sentences.

Yikes. All I can think is that a dirty, old bear trap would probably cause tetanus! Perhaps a newer trap would have been a better thing to get caught in! Poor guy!
Good job on the story. I enjoyed the read!











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Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is for I Write.

I hadn't ever read or heard of a Sheshire poem before. It has an interesting rhythm to it. Reminds me a bit of beatnik poetry. I can just imagine the snapping of fingers in between stanzas.

Great imagery. I, too, am a dog person. Kittens are cute and all but cats? Cats are ornery beasts! *Laugh*

Punctuation, grammar, spelling are all spot-on.







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Review of I Write In 2018  
for entry "Unexpected Visitor
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is for I Write

Good use of the Flash Fiction prompt. A few things:

Then, kicking off her slippers she pulled on her boots(.) lLeaving them unlaced(,) as she trekked out to see who it could be. — This part should be separated into two sentences.

That got her in motion, anger flashed through her as she moved forward(,)(.) "wWhat do you want Lance? I don't have anything else you can steal, so you might as well go back to the city.”
— This story seemed to end rather abruptly. I get a good sense of the main character's life and a great build up to her jerk of an ex and then...nothing. I feel like part of the story was chopped off mid-action. Perhaps add to this? I'd love to find out if Lance is back to con his ex!







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for entry "Billow
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write.

Spot on with the syllables and a great use of the prompt word.The punctuation was perfect, as was spelling and grammar.

Now I want to go lay in the grass and watch the clouds float on by. *Bigsmile*


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Review by Genipher
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is for I Write

What a wonderful use of the prompt words for Stormy's contest! I don't "get" a lot of poems but I can definitely feel and see what's going on here, in yours.
I can't find any grammar or spelling errors. Punctuation is perfect for the flow of this piece.

Seems mankind is becoming more and more oblivious to the past, eh? Though I suppose it doesn't help when the people in our country try to erase what happened in America's history, all for the sake of being PC. *Sad* Hard to learn from our mistakes when we 1984 them.

At any rate, loved the poem. It's a perfect picture of the times we live in.







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Review by Genipher
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ruwth—

My kids would LOVE climbing that tree!
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for entry "Problems Are What???
Review by Genipher
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is for I Write

Okay, let's try this again. Second times the charm, right? *Laugh*

I've been struggling to come up with something for this card but here you are with several good answers! The only thing I'd tweak is the last one:
...problems are a measure of sanity. The extra after "sanity" sounds...clunky.

I'd say my favorite among the four is the second one,
"problems are a sign of life." So true!


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Review of Family Gathering  
Review by Genipher
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm reviewing this piece for I Write.

I love the images this piece invokes. Reminds me of the family reunions I attended as a child and the pig roast the family had when I was a teen. So much food!

My favorite line is,
"We are the flowers growing in the garden of divine love."

Your third stanza doesn't flow very well, mostly because it looks like there should be an "of" between the word "smell" and "cut". If you rearranged it a bit:
Smell cut grass,
inhaling
we wait for the food to cook.

*Think* Hmmm. There's probably a better way to reword it. Anyway, it wouldn't feel so...bumpy...at that part if it was tweaked a tad.

This was a lovely reminder not only of past family get-togethers, but how we (as one large, human family) all grow together in love.




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Review by Genipher
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review comes compliments of I Write

I must admit, the title of this piece gave me pause. It's not something that would normally draw my attention. However, once I started reading, I got sucked into the story. I felt like I was there, watching the scenes unfold. You showed Dwyer's character well.

A couple of things I noticed:


*Police* Dwyer looked at her skeptically. “I’m not included to believe it either.” — I'm assuming you meant "inclined" and not "included"? Might want to fix that.

*Police* After Dwyer leaves at the end of the story the POV changes, without warning, to Kish. You need a page break or some indication that the POV is changing.

*Star* Great story! You really reeled me in on this one. *Bigsmile*





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Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


*Star* Wonderful imagery. I especially loved how the first line and fourth line in the second stanza rhymed.

*Police* Whoopsie! Looks like squirrel is missing an "i"!

*Police* Commas are my kryptonite so I might be wrong but...isn't there supposed to be a comma in the last line, after "no one close"?

i.e.
He chats through snow, no one close(,) 'cause it's winter here

Ignore if I'm wrong about that point!




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Review of Facial Hair  
Review by Genipher
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ah, what a load of delightful nonsense! I found myself chuckling throughout this poem as I remembered all the times my husband has grown out his beard, cut it, grown it, sculpted it, shaved it off completely, and grown it out again. He's had compliments from complete strangers, "Dude, what an awesome beard!" and criticism from co-workers, "That beard makes you look so unprofessional."

Of course, he's not the only one with facial hair. My kids often tease about "mom's beard and mustache". Ah, the joys of getting older and gaining unfeminine facial hair! Thankfully it hasn't gotten so bad that I've had it smothered in peas or, you know, have had to join the circus.

Ahem. But let's talk about your poem, rather than my furry face...

Great job with the spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

I'm not much of a poet, myself. Unless I'm reading a Haiku or limerick, I tend to falter. If you were to ask me about rhythm or meter, etc. I'd just look at you blankly. But I did notice that your first, um, stanza (?) had 8 lines, the second had 6, the next had 8 again, and the last 4. The layout seems a bit...inconsistent. Then again, I suppose free-form poetry can be inconsistent, eh?

Thanks for the laugh!

--Genipher


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Review by Genipher
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Aw, the good ole days of Calvin and Hobbes. This was one of my favorite comic strips growing up.

*Star* So I learned something new, today. I had never heard of a Nonet before. Poetry often eludes me, but this style? This I can understand!

*Police* Hmm. Is Calvin a "ginger"? Being a redhead, myself, I tend to disagree. The picture you've included shows him as a blond. I double checked online and, yup, Calvin is a blondie.

*Police* Something about the last word, er, line throws me off. At first I was thinking it should have ended with "Forever" or something similar. And then I discovered how a Nonet works and realized that idea was "right out". Maybe, "Boys!"?

*Star* I loved this walk down memory lane. Calvin trying to thwart his babysitter, his box that duplicated himself, aggravating Susie...so much fun!
As as aside, have you seen the strip where Calvin is grown up and married to Susie?? I don't think it's drawn by the original creator of Calvin and Hobbes but it's still pretty cute. It's on a site called Pants are Overrated, if you're interested in checking it out. *Bigsmile*






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Review by Genipher
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This interactive story has a fairly interesting beginning. I like the idea of the main character shrinking. My nitpicks would be:

1) The tense. Unless I'm writing a script, it's rare for me to write in present tense.

2) Instead of using the onomatopoeia, "RING RING" in the future I would suggest describing the sound of a phone ringing. That way there's more "showing" rather than "telling" in the story.

3) It feels like the first chapter is too . . . abrupt. Not much building up of characters, etc.

I followed through a vein of chapters and, I have to admit, most of the writings seem a bit jumbled. For example on one path, all of a sudden, Jake, Alex, and Max are in a spaceship. But besides finding a powerful battery and speculating that it could be aliens, there's no mention of actually seeing a spaceship. So while the idea (aliens!) is a fun one, it seems some pertinent story plot got left behind.

At any rate, I added a chapter (hopefully helping to iron out some inconsistencies). Most interactives here at WDC seem to be about gaining weight or turning into a muscled freak of nature. It's nice to see something a little more original.
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Review by Genipher
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Alas, I don't have many interesting or exciting stories to share with my kids. I was a pretty boring kid/teen! I think the craziest thing I ever did was try to walk home from strawberry picking, with my sister. We had gotten bored and I figured since it only took my step-dad 30 minutes to drive us to the fields and drop us off, we should be able to walk home in 45 minutes to an hour. Ah, naive old me!

Oh, but I do love hearing crazy stories from other folks. My family and I are friends with an older gentleman and whenever he visits he has us all rolling with laughter over his boyhood stories. We keep telling him he should write a book, but I'm afraid he never will and his stories will die with him.

I think it's wonderful that you have this story recorded and would encourage you to write more. Even if it doesn't become published for the world to see, your grandkids, etc. will certainly appreciate reading your adventures!

So, I have this thing about fireworks. I hate them. *Angry* See, years ago a preteen made a homemade "bomb" out of fireworks and tossed it in our car. It set the car on fire, which set the carport on fire, which spread to the 4-plex we were living in. So this story of yours hits a little close to home. I'm so glad the fire was put out quickly and nobody was hurt!

I also love that you had your son "scared straight" by the police!

Now I'm eagerly waiting to hear about the counterfeit money! That sounds like quite a tale!

Long story short:

*Star* This story flowed well and kept me interested.

*Star* I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes.

*Star* Your kids aren't the only ones who want to hear about the, "crazy things you've done". . . I do, too! Write more! *Smile**Laugh*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Winter - Part 1  
Review by Genipher
Rated: E | (3.5)
This story, er, novel? has great potential. It's a unique idea that many teens and older would love to read.
However, as all authors know, there's always a big "but" that comes with rough drafts. That's to be expected, right? So here's my big ole but. Take from it what you will. *Bigsmile*


Prologue

The dove alit upon a branch close to the young man and sung sang sweetly. The man turned his eyes to her and smiled warmly. — How does one "smile warmly"? Show, don't tell.

"Hello(,) little dove. How are you this fine morning?" He asked her. — The "he asked her" isn't necessary. Coupled with the dove's actions, the reader clearly knows who is talking.

That may seem crazy, but trust me, I am very used to crazy by now." The man informed the bird in a conspiritual conspiratorial manner. — How do you inform in a "conspiratorial manner"? Does he wink? Lean forward and whisper? Wiggle his eyebrows? Show, don't tell.

This should be the start of a new paragraph —
The bird laughed again in her high-pitched chirp and before his eyes changed into a beautiful girl . . .

Uh, oh! You changed POV! — As he stared, shocked, into her eyes, he found that they were the same blue as the deepest parts of the ocean. . .

"I very much understand you(,) sir. In fact, I believe your uncle to be right. We'll have a beautifully, warm summer yet." She told the man. — Again, we know dove-girl is the one speaking. "She told the man." isn't necessary and the readers can immerse themselves better if it is left out.

Now, I see that dove-girl reprimands the man for swinging her around but I found myself a bit irked at this part. The reader wants to believe a story can really happen. They want to be the character. It is difficult to believe a man would swing a strange, beautiful girl around in his arms. It is also difficult to believe that the woman would accept such an action, no matter how handsome the man!


"Oh(,) my dove, I think we are going to have a lovely time together." He said jubilantly before setting her down gently. — How does one say something "jubilantly"? Show, don't tell.

As an aside, I wanted to point out the many adverbs in this piece. Some authors have no problem peppering their stories with "ly" words (I'm reminded of the book, Redwall). Other authors say "ly" words create a lazy author and that there are better ways to phrase a sentence. I have to admit, I lean toward the latter camp. So this is just my opinion but your story could be improved by cutting out some adverbs.


"You are absolutely right(,) dove," he bowed deeply, making the girl blush(,)(.) "William Hale, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you."

"My name is Elizabeth Winter. I am just dying to learn more about you(,) William."

The last paragraph in the prologue leans heavily on telling, rather than showing. The reader wants to experience the story as it progresses, through Elizabeth's experiences and memories, not be told what will eventually happen. I would take this last paragraph out.

I know from experience how overwhelming it can be to get an in-depth review. I've had several stories that almost covered my stories with that dreaded "red ink" *Blush* When I have the time, I go back and fix my mistakes. I'm still learning (commas are my kryptonite!). That said, I'm only reviewing your prologue for now for easy "digestibility". I'll send a separate review for Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 later.






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